Can this Relationship Really Work?

Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months, and he is close to 6 months clean. Doing the math, we met early in his recovery. I have fallen in love with him and he feels the same way. Everything was going well until last night and today, he is questioning the fact that he loves me too much and if having our relationship and working the program is possible. (I think he is hitting the 6 month freak-out, as he has never been this clean this long, willingly) I, of course, think it is possible, given the facts he does not have the urge to get high and is mainly concerned with how to deal with all of the emotions life brings as a sober person. I am a strong believer that I can be a good support, not a crutch, person for him. He does not rely on me to stay clean nor do I want him to, and he understands he needs to keep working the program to remain clean, become spritiual, and work on himself to be a better person. I do not keep him isolated, and strongly encourage daily meetings, which he attends religiously. I also encourage his participation in H&I and his other commitments and will continue to encourage him to work the steps, which he already does. He has a wonderful home group and a sponser he speaks with mulitple times a day. He is doing everything right and nothing horrible is happening right now, but is still freaking out. Again, I think it is the 6 month point, and his thoughts overwhelming him. I would really like to hear that a stable and constant person (me) being in his life will be good for him. But everything I’ve read cautions us against our relationship. He and I are both unsure as what to do, but do not want to lose each other in the process. I believe our HPs brought us together for a reason and would really like help/wisdom/knowledge/advice as to what we can do to maintain a healthy relationship without jeopardizing ourselves. Thank you, T Smith

tsmith730 · Answer

Well, any members who have read or resonded to my concerns, I would like to give an update.  

It's working!  Our relationship is really working and it is the best relationship I've ever been in.  I was able to get transferred to Florida and we are now living together and creating a healthy and happy life together.  We are going on 7 months together and he is going strong at almost 11 months clean.  Everyday is not the easiest as we all have ups and downs, but I want to voice and reassure to all those concerned that being in a relationship with an addict (a recovering addict) is possible.  Please keep in mind that honesty, respect, understanding, individuality and patience are all key factors in maintaining this type (and any other type!) of relationship.  

Thank you to all those who gave me their time and advise.  God bless.

tsmith730 · Answer

Thank you!  I need to hear all of this.  I know I can't force this relationship, but I need to hear it.  I will give him his time.  I love him and he loves me, and if were meant to be it will be great.  

It's hard, you know, to come face to face with reality that you may lose someone you loved the most and best in your life.

Thank you again, you gave me some really wonderful advice :)

wannabefree330 · Answer

I think he is wise in taking some time to really think about what is going on.  That shows that he really does care, not only for himself but for you as well.  Just let him know you support his recovery and are there for him.  Him being and staying sober really is all about him and his wishes, and not about you.  (don't mean that rude) If, God forbid, he does relapse, it is in no way your fault.  Don't think that he can't continue living a sober life without you, he can.  Sounds like he is taking all the steps necessary to stay sober.  Just because he gets advice (potentially) to end the relationship doesn't mean thats what he'll do.  If he really loves you and wants it to work, it will happen.  He is learning about living all over again and a new, serious relationship is no doubt a huge stressor.  Encourage him to take the time he needs.  Don't push or rush it.  Otherwise he'll back off because he can't deal with the immense emotions.  Let him know you love and care for him and are willing to take as much time as he needs (if you are willing).  Don't hold yourself accountable for him staying sober, you can't do anything about that.  What you can do is maybe attend some Al-anon meetings.  Come face to face with others who have been affected by loved ones drug or alcohol abuse.  You can get some great advice there.  I think you are a great person for coming here for advice too.  Shows how much you really do care.  Just don't get to caught up on making things work the way you envision them.  Let life unfold as it will and it will work out the best for everyone involved.

broknbck · Answer

Well you have totally analized your relationship, now enjoy it!!

Things around us are continuously changing. Nothing ever stays the same. We are also growing  and changeing. And our relationships too. So I have always been one to grab it when you see something good and enjoy it! You two have at least one very large thing in common. And you need to make that #1 first and the relationship second. and so no worries. huh? 

I can't help but be a little suspicious of how careful you are being. Like maybe you are convinced that he is not going to succeed? And you are worried about being pulled down? In that case , run.

It is all your decision. Be happy.

tsmith730 · Answer

Does anyone have any additional advice/stories?  Been in or seen a similar situation?  I'll take anything I can get right now.....thank you!!!

tsmith730 · Answer

I think you are right about him fearing he will mess up, because that is all he knows.  He is afraid he will hurt me, and caring and loving me the right way is new to him, although he is doing a great job...I don't think he sees it all the time.  He decided to break for a few days to clear his head and get as much advice from his sponsor and home group as possible.  I have to add an additional fact that is huge, I live in IL and he lives in FL.  I also think the long distance and worry is a root cause coupled with the fear of hurting me is overwhelming to him.  So the break I speak of, just means we won't talk on the phone for a few days.

I have already requested from my firm to be transferred to FL and am searching other career options in FL so I can be closer to him and be geographically happy for myself.  I believe being closer to him will alleviate the worry and will help him focus more on his recovery all with the comfort of knowing I'm near.

He does need to learn who he is without drugs, and honestly I think he has been.  He has commented on how brighter life is, how much he laughs and truly enjoys life without the worry of getting his next fix, and he is feeling all types of emotions for the first time.  But he is still very concerned as what to do with all of these emotions (the unhappy ones), and everyone and myself assures him these are normal emotions.  I've suggested several avenues of how to alleviate the crazy thoughts/emotions from a non-addict perspective and I'm positive his sponsor and group have given him numerous tools and advice as what to do.

What I am afraid of is that some of the suggestions he will receive will be to end the relationship (as he was cautioned at the beginning of our relationship) and if he takes this advice, what potential damage it could cause him because of how deeply he cares about me.  I am worried for obvious reasons, I really want this relationship to work because I can see it working.  I pray he overcomes these anxieties and realizes it can work.

Thank you for your sincere advice

usarmymedic1 · Answer

I don't think it is the 6 month scare I bet you he is thinking "here is a woman that the best tihing that has happened to me If I mess up it is going to tear her heart out" the fear of hurting you can be that hesitation you are seeing in him all the what ifs 

Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. ... Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.

Does he really know who he is without drugs?? 

this said you should talk with him about what he is feeling Fears and dreams wants 

this all said in trying to help you see what path you need to take you are at that fork do you take the path of struggle and hardship to were in the end you and him bet it together. or the easy road to were there is no end in sight 

I wish you the best of luck and may your dreams with him prosper and bloom into a lotus 

medic1

tsmith730 · Answer

Thank you GoingToMakeIt and r2r.  I really needed some assurance from people saying it is ok to have a relationship and remain sober and true to the program.  I hope to get him involved in this forum because I think this will be a good outlet and resource for both of us.

road2recovery · Answer

IT sounds like he is doing everything he has to do to stay clean...And so are you..So i guess i am a little confused??   I am married and could not have done this without the support of my husband....It sounds like you are giving him his space to work the steps he needs too, which i know may be hard to do sometimes, because it may take some time away from you..But since u don't complain, i don't know...
Maybe like you said, it is just hard enough to learn how to live sober, and may be over whelming for him...
Maybe this forum can help him too, as well as you!
wish you 2 the best
r2r