Can't do without, probably never will

I tried to get on the forum to talk this afternoon and as you know the station was down.  Not that it would have stopped me by talking to someone.  I had made my mind up.  But guess it is just easy to say maybe someone would have stopped me.  Ya, right.

Totally screwed up today.  Have no willpower, faith, or conscious.

Obviously this isn't going to be the cake walk that it appeared when I was tapering and there were pills in the house.  I am absolutely freakin crazy.  Sooooo mad at myself, lies.

Just being honest...don't you just get sick of it?   I sound like a broken record, a baby, a really stupid non-thinking person.  Really not liking me right now and don't expect that you would either.  \

Had to write it out.  Had to admitt it.  Going to send it...hate it.

Not much peace here


peace

[FLaddict]

ok so you used. you are a drug addict. you did what any drug addict does. tommorrow is a new day. I was going ct as of this morning until I found 4 vicodin in the lining of my purse. I too was trying to talk while the site was down. don't beat your self up. the guilt will kill you. I am here if you need to vent.

Stephanie

[Buaidh No Bas]

As FLaddict stated, and i'm sure many more will to follow...

getting so down on yourself for 'slipping' will do you absolutely no good. it happens, man. we're just human after all. these things f*ck with our bodies and minds in a manner that is extremely difficult to combat.

So you slipped. Look at it in a positive way, you hurt no one but yourself. and you can take it. you can work through it, and get by it. You've just got to get back to what you were doing before, now. slowly, one step at a time.

Breathe.


BNB

[creek]

You are right.  Maybe this stupid drug thing does F*** up the head...OR maybe thats why I take the dam things to cover up whats in my head...perfection, that'll kill you too.

Never had anyone call me an addict.  How could they...I have never told anyone, but the strangers I call freinds here.

I said it to myself..weird.  I am an addict. ******* weird.  

OK, so here is the way it goes...stop, breathe, and say I am an addict?????  Nope, nothing.  

Don't really see an end in sight.  How could last week be so good...almost euphoric in the sense I was "seeing the light" and recognizing my behavior, going to work, being productive, blah blah blah blah blah

[ArlingtonAddict]

As I said, the person who got up earliest is the one who has been sober longest. Numbers don't MATTER. The only reason (at least for me) that I report 'days' is to be able to share my expereince and the course of my w/d as I helps me VERY much and it will maybe help others too.

Otherwise, we are ALL the SAME.

We are ADDICTS who are TRYING.

[ArlingtonAddict]

Creek,

If quitting was EASY we would ALL be clean and wouldn't be here. PERIOD.

You are NOT week, dumb, or anything else. You are fighting something bigger than you, something for which you need HELP.

I never understood AA's thing about finding strength and success in surrenduring but it's true. When I went to rehab, I didn't have to accept I was an alcoholic (I, along with everyone else unfortunately) KNEW this. What I did NOT know and could not accept (at first) was what I had to do to stay sober.

You see, I started drinking at 16 (late by HS standards, quit when I was 17 and NEVER LOOKED BACK until 29, when I received my PhD and worked in the 'mental health and addictions field'. I decided I could handle it and, when it was clear that I could not, I thought I could just QUIT as I had for all those years.

But my disease had progressed and it was BIGGER than me and it was through this 'humble-ness' (is this a word?) that I became able to get better (for good in so far as alcohol and everything else but vikes--they came a year ago, 2 1/2 yrs into successful recovery).

When I got out of rehab, they gave me a really long list of **** to do (90 in 90, etc.) and I knew that, most likely, only about 70% was necessary but I KNEW (had learned) damn well that I coluldn't discern which things constituted 70% so I did ALL of it.

I used to think AA was so dumb and, after a short while, I didn't hear anything new. BUT I then REALIZED that it wasn't about 'getting something useful' in these meetings. Rather, this would be a BONUS BUt the MOST IMPORTANT THING was being able, being willing, being HUMBLED enough to dedicate 2 hours (or so) a day to my recovery.

This is a PROCESS NOT an event. You know who has been sober the longest? Whoever got up earliest this morning--PERIOD.

You can start over any time.

REALLY!

[ArlingtonAddict]

You CAN do without -- this is the LIE our disease tells us. It seems, you just don't have all the tools yet (not professing to know which ones--just mean that you can use the slip to learn this). It is not just about willpower. You WILL get this. YOU WILL.

When I left rehab, those who came in around the same time, 'graduated' (little ceremony) and we all got to speak. The only thing I could think to say is this:

"The bad, and scary, news is that they say (and it appears) that 1 in 5 of us will make it. The GOOD news is that this does not speak to its efficacy. It does NOT mean that AA (or whatever you use) only works for 1 in 5. It means that 1 in 5 of us will WORK THE PROGRAM which means that we CAN all make it--IF we follow the guidelines."

[FLaddict]

we all screw up now and again. if you didn't we would think you had super powers. when given the choice we use. I have 2 vicodin in my purse right now and i wanna chew em up so bad. but today I am trying something different.

[ArlingtonAddict]

:(