Can't stop crying!

I've been trying to wean myself off of pain pills for 3 months, started this whole thing six months ago. I know its not that long, but i have a history of opiate abuse, haven't been addicted in over 7 years.  I was taking 6-7 vicodins a day and thursday i weaned down to 1 1/2 - 2, basically, I take a half when i can't stand the pain in my legs anymore and i can't stop kicking them.  I'm also diagnosed with depression, bipolar type 2, I'm having a really hard time right now. can't stop crying, i feel really bad about myself, like I'm never going to feel like a normal person again. My daughter has been away with her dad on vacation with his parents for the last week and couple days. thought i would use this time to totally kick, but I'm still on 1 1/2 -2 have to work tomorrow night, I work nights, 12 hour shift, 3 nights in a row, then I finally get to see my daughter. I feel panicky, scared, guilty, depressed, angry, not sure if I'll ever get my **** together, when I was clean I was still going through depression, anxiety attacks, mood swings, these things don't seem to go away. I'm tired of being mentally ill and a drug addict. I feel like I don't know any other identity. I don't want to be a loser. I know I am capable of more. Why am I so afraid to live life? I feel like a walk on a tight rope, but I'm afraid to jump. I don't want to do more drugs, I just want to feel normal. I take medication for depression. I'm taking it like I should. I just want to jump out of my body for a stretch, if that makes sense. I feel like a loser. and that I am weak, and don't have the balls to jump into life. I don't know what to do.

[Boo_Boo79]

I know how you feel. You feel like you just want to know the REAL YOU...the one without drugs...(prescribed or street). I am on pain pills and I smoke pot all the time. I think the pills are worse. It's hard to choose a different path when the wrong way is all you know. We just have to do it for our children. Their faces show us what a pure life is like and we need that purity and serentity. Just pray to God....he knows you are hurting....and remember; you are not alone....there are many mothers out there who are feeling the same pain and sadness you are feeling. We just need to stick togather and try to do all we can to fight this disease we call addiction!

Love always,

A friend

[tweekie]

Mother's aren't supposed to be this way, right? thats what i was raised to believe. I wish i knew more mother's that were dealing with this monster. I'm still crying on and off. I can't stop, just had dinner with a neighbor, and broke down, I think he suspects I'm dealing with drug addiction, but he was so nice, just there, non judgemental, he's older like 76, i just told him i'm depressed and anxious, but i think he knows. it ***** to be an addict. i work in a health care setting, and i always think i'm better than the crack heads that come in, in a way that i'm not selling my *** and living on the street. i'm functional, but i function at the bare minimum. this is not living. i never want my daughter to go through this. she see's me cry sometimes and it breaks my heart, i don't want her to feel that she can't depend on me cause i'm weak.  i'm tired from crying, i'm going to lay down and watch the tube. thank you so much for your words. i've taken 1 1/2 vicodin today, and i'm trying hard not to take anymore. my body is weak, but i don't have the jumpy legs yet. hopefully i can't get through these next few weeks and finally be off the pills. I'm so tired of taking them, even though they bring me energy and relaxation, must find it in other ways. thank you so much i will pray to God tonight.

[Texanaddict]

tweekie sweetie, I was on 12 to 15  10mg hydro a day for 5 years. I tried  4 times in the last year while I  was alone and had time. With  no support and pills in the house
honey you are doomed  for failure.  The most I ever got was 2 days and  went to the pill
bottle.
I just finished day 8 today because last weekend  when I ran out on purpose I was forced to spend  time with no pills.
This forum helped because no matter how bad you are someone is much worse and there are so many wonderful success stories to draw encouragment from.
The fear of WD are just as bad as actually just getting over it.
Good news after 8 days most of the misery is gone just total extreme exhaustion.
Hate to be hard on you but as long as you have a pill in reach you will not quit.
I know  after  4 times of failure. It's the nature of the addict.
Good luck to you girl, get started on getting clean, and think of that beautiful little girl
of your's who's going to need her Mom    

[avisg]

The withdrawals from the opiates are going to make the bi polor symptoms worse it would be a very good idea to see your doctor so he can adjust your bipolar meds I bet that would help soooooooo much.its is going to get better look how far you have already come

[tweekie]

Thank you so much for your support.  I couldn't sleep but I made it far without taking another half. I don't have pills on me, just one, which i'm saving for tomorrow to take before I go to work.  I have to work 3 night shifts in a row. 12 hour shifts and then I'm off the rest of the week. I also have my daughter. I'm really thankful for this forum.  I prayed to God today while taking my 5th hot bath of the day. I'm going to keep praying.  That's all I can do. I want to be a mom to my little girl, and she is beautiful, she's a star in my sky, the biggest one. I hate to say this but I live for her, but i have to live better, i have to take care of myself, to take care of her. Thank you so much, I wish you light, love, and peace in your sobriety.

[tweekie]

I don't take bipolar meds, i used to but i stopped taking them because they make me feel slow and my doctor is okay with that because i haven't had a manic episode since.

[wezejan]

Scared.  Sick.  Out of control.  Hey guys I just found this website and I have been reading all of your posts and balling uncontrollably.  It's nice to know I am not alone.  I need advice.  What is the best way to start my road to recovery??  I have been taking morphine, oxycodone and vicodin daily for about a year and a half.  Can I do it without the help of my doctor (cold turkey) or should I ask him  for help??  I don't know what to expect as far as withdrawl (withdrawal) goes because this is the first time i have ever been serious about quitting.  It is ruining my life.  Finally my desire to quit far outweighs my desire to get high.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you all for any feed back.  Really.  I'm terribly scared.

[wings444]

Hi
My advice from what your taking PLEASE get help thats alot of meds to go CT...
Its not an easy road....It will get better but please follow some of the wonderful advice these people will give you!!
Good Luck
God Bless
Wings