Check in ???

[oxysbliss]

Morning.....How is everyone?
I know lately I haven't had much to say...good, bad or indifferent.....I've just been stuck in self....
I'm starting detox all over again!! Way to go .....I slipped major with some tooth issues...and besides taking the advice of people on this board...and staying away from the script...I took it anyways! I've gone thru two scripts...I recently changed my denist...I have to.....he so willingly gives me scripts its crazy.....and it totally plays on my mind too much...and I give in...

So.....this would explain all my depression lately....and maybe a direct reflection of why I am where I am..IN my own head....Does that even make sense? lol...Also Easter...its hard to babysit..Its hard to be around kids.....but I'm going to have to get over it sooner or later...and its been a long later...Time to pick myself up and carry on.....easier said then done....

[oxysbliss]

It's so easy for me to get caught up with things in my mind..its soo easy for me to slip back...I have this stupid mind frame that I deserve every unhappy day...and feel totally guilty when I am happy....or when I hug another kid or tell them how much I love them....All I have been doing is crying lately....in everything I do...even go grocery shopping....Its hard for me to 'be happy'....Its going to take alot...and I hope I can do this without having the urges to kill myself...I know thats seems like such a pity party..but its where I am at....when I am clean...I have more urges of dying...then when I am actively doing drugs....doing drugs I am killing myself..and smiling while its happening...How sick is that...Its amazing where I have come....Look at me? My ex was right in everything he says....about me.....I made every bad thing I ever heard...a reality.....and I have to change back...

[LIZZIE LOU]

good morning oxy!
please don't beat yourself up for relapsing...that's all part of addiction.  at two different rehabs. my son went to, we were told that addicts relapse an "average" of 7 times before they finally are free of it.  you WILL get there...if it is what you truly want...you can obtain it...don't give up.
your depression seems to be on the front burner...but that's a catch 22...the drugs make you depressed and because you are depressed you are self medicating...or so it seems.  somehow you have got to get out of this funk and realize that your life is so worth reclaiming

[tink1517]

honey, dont beat yourself up, i've been there too. i wish i had more time to talk to you this morning, but i have to get the kids on a plane. i'll check in on you when i get home.

stay strong, and believe in yourself, you already know I BELIEVE in you, :)


luv ya girl,
tink

[Mis Take]

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, but I can relate.  Depression is the core issue and mine too.  I am realizing that if I don't deal with that, relapse could be inevitable.  Clarity of mind, clean body, and $$ saved should make me happy.  I watch my husband, who is in this with me, and he is doing great.  No depression issues with him.  I have tried anti-depressants in the past but I really don't know if they worked or not.  Isn't that sad, I wouldn't miss snorting a pill but I could forget for a week to take my zoloft, effexor, whatever...  
I know you can do this.  You have!!!  A relapse is not a failure or a character flaw.  You, I'm sure, are a great person and have many things going for you.  You (and I) just need to keep those in the forefront of our minds - not the pills.  And get to a dr. and deal with that depression.  Even if its a shrink!!!  I'll be here to talk if you want.  Happy thoughts!

[beachtowel]

Goodmorning, all the misfiring going on in your brain is because of your drug abuse. I was there oxy, it really sucks. Your only way out is getting sober, when your ready for that things will get better in time.
It really sucks when your mind is going 47 different ways with no resolve, depression sets in, loneliness.....
We have both been here for a while oxy, the 26th of this month I will be clean for 17 frigging months........
It is still a fight but a much easier one to manage.....
Bottom line is I feel much better about everything and I even find occasion to smile.......

I wish you the best oxy...............

[oxysbliss]

Yea....I really do have to figure out a way past this....Its been really tough...I know I have to clean up...or I will end up living an existance of worthlessness.....I know Ive been the amoungst the walking dead...Funny....I used to say I would never go back to this..because I didnt want to walk around being dead...and here I am....maybe 7 years after I told myself that......and where am I? I know we cant tell from circumstances that happen in our lives....I am just destoryed after all the chaos I went with my kids, and my ex...my family and all the battles I faced alone.....and still do face them alone....execpt for the help I get here.....really.....Its been a incredable battle for me.....I just really dont know how to live...without them....their voices....the changes they go thru.....Im so ******* sad all the time.....and at least when I am high...Idont feel that emptiness.......Drugs have filled that for me......the something missing......Ive never been sober on their birithdays, holidays....I usually take really long benders right now.......and dont stop until after Mother's Day and my birthday...since they are so close together....I dont know how to NOT miss them......but I know how to avoid the tears....and to me..thats all that has mattered to me..since we have been seperated.....

Im a walking crying machine.....I dont know how to live wihtout them....I really dont...and I dont want too....so I use.....how do you stop that?