Coming off Subutex, scared ********.. What can I do?

[YoungNLove]

Its this same fear that drove me to seek help for opioid addiction, being so scared of laying awake at night, shaking, cold sweats & stomach problems.. I kept hearing a commercial for "turn to help" website and thought "WHAT A DEAL! getting off pain meds and not having to go through a DAMN thing!? Only problem is, I was horribly informed and now not only am I terrified of whats to come, i feel betrayed and like ive just delayed what I think will be coming...

Looking back and reading nonstop on subsux.com Im deeply regretting not going through withdrawl for 3 days because it looks like im going to be coming off sub for months.  Even typing this im welling up in tears because im so ashamed and feel so stupid.  I wasnt even taking that many vicodine to begin with but it was the fact that my whole life I had been SO against drugs/drinking that the fact I was even getting cold sweats drove me crazy.  I was on 500mg vicodine and I would get 120 which would last me two weeks.  Granted I know thats a huge amount but it sure isnt herion or oxy.. I explained all this to a doctor I found on "turn to help" and not only did she start me on 8mg of suboxone right away, she made me come every week, $60 a week and $100 for 4 pills.  That was on Oct 17th 2008.  It is now Oct. 24th 2009 and had I not stopped going on my own last week, she would still have me on 4mg a day til God knows when.. After a month of taking it I was ready to get off but had horrible back pain (it is legit.. got rocks thrown at me in 7th grade, ran so fast I tore a couple ligimits and did some damage to my mid back that I can still feel when I walk.. ) so she would UP MY DOSE! ...FOR PAIN!  not prescribe me something else.. or give me exercises... nope... just upped it so I was on 8mg a day.. then id taper myself to 2mg, complain about pain and shed put me back up to 4.. It has gone back and forth for the past 10 months.  Now, im just fed up.  I posed a question on yahooanswers and got the subsux link and have just been so terrified ever since.  Had I known this information before or knew about PAWS.. I would have gone through 4 day detox and go from there.  I was informed "the longer your on subutex, the less youll need it" (btw, im on subutex cause suboxone made me very ill)

So now.. I dont know what to do.  I had 1, 8mg pill left when I decided to stop so I cut it into 4s then 2s then 1s and took that for 8 days.  I took my last tiny piece yesterday and now, 15 hours later im starting to feel the effects of w/d. Its not horrible but im very weak, as soon as I eat im running to the bathroom. The only thing helping is that I have a prescription from my dr for vicodin 5mg/500mg, 90 for 30days.  Ive already taken 40 pills in a week, not because Im wanting the feeling, but because I was w/d from sub.  Im so terrified that im going to be miserable for a month or 2.. even 3 as im reading.,  I dont know what to do.  Please give me any advice/remedies that you have?  Do you think it will just be kinda bad the first few days and then I can cut the vicodin or am I just delaying withdrawal?  Im probably overreacting but I just want to be normal.. I dont want to do this.. Please help me.. I feel so lost

And yes, I understand its like switching from one addiction to another but in all honesty.. after going through this **** for a year, i just want to be normal.  The only readon I have this prescription for vic is so I can workout and loose weight and get some weight off my back.  I know it wont make me painfree but Im ok with that.  Ive just made a really stupid decision in the past and am just ready to let it be the past.

[avisg]

Welcome,
I agree doctors need to be informing to there patients about what they are really getting themselves into. In some cases for longtime hard core users it can be a good tool towards soberity or in cases when we people are taking like huge amounts of tylenol that can cause liver toxicity when the benefits out weight risks .
You have done great tapering down the sub but the taking vics again to get off the sub it just going to keep you on this roller coaster it time to jump off .Talk to you doctor about some meds to help the WD clonidine is a blood pressure med that can help alot something for nausea and muscle relaxant .All could make WD easier for you and so you can get off the roller coster once and for all.

[LateAugust]

I want to share a different experience with you,  I am the mom of an oxy addict that was using at her "prime" smoking 6 to 8 80mgs of oxy per day..  throw in some meth,  coke  a joint or any other drug she could get her hands on...  truly a miracle she didn't die.  3 times thru rehab   finally after the last relapse   she went on Suboxone  with a very good doctor that held her to a contract of responsibility for getting clean.  Using the Suboxone  to facilitate her chance of living sober,  to allow her mind to truly grasp and follow thru in a responsible manner for treatment of sobriety.  I am sorry I will tell you right now I do not agree with the "trading one drug for another" Suboxone debate,  if that were the case  she would still be lying stealing manipulating   etc etc   rather  she has completed in treatment,  and intensive out patient, goes to NA or AA on a weekly basis..  and sober living (still in sober living)....    I was with her thru multiple oxy w/d's  and it scared the heck out of me to see her so sick,  but she could handle the physical,   the mental a few weeks after the physical w/d  always bit her in the uh-huh, and she would relapse.       She was on Sub for approx 4 to 5 months, and taken off with a taper   and her w/d  was minimal at best.  She is still sober  and has been since February of 2009....  amazing.    
I hope you want to get sober more so than the fear of w/d....  and I hope you are getting your liver checked as the amount of Tylenol you are taking is as concerning as your hydro addiction....  I don't know hun,  I can only share what my daughter went thru  and I have been there with her all the way.....  the Suboxone w/d horror stories were NOT what she experienced in quitting Sub, but again she had a good doc  and it was used as a tool in  conjunction with extensive treatment,  not a magic wand to erase her addiction to the oxy,   so it was an all encompassing plan...  
I can hear the fear in your words  and I hope you will talk with your doctor about your concerns    or if you do have insurance check into some other doctors that will help you thru this journey.  Trust me, we did a whole lot of investigating before going the Suboxone route  and then checking out those doctors,  please educate yourself on getting the best treatment available to you.  
I hope you will find some peace soon, and a healthy mind body and soul.....

[YoungNLove]

Your words give me hope.. I lost my mom to cancer 2 years ago and have been on a downward spiral ever since... Ive been taking care of her since I was 11 years old  and when hospice took her from me, thats when I got addicted to Vicodin.  I had so much weight on my shoulders that it was the most intense amount of pain ive ever endoured.. The past hour has been absolutly miserable.  I took a hot shower in hopes of feeling better and it took everything in me to get out of that shower and dry off but I kept hearing my mom say "Your almost done.. just keep pushing youself.." The thought of feeling like this everyday is so scary to me.  Your daughter is lucky to have a mom to help her though her struggle and shes also lucky she got a good dr.  All I did was hear a bunch of commercials about turntohelp.com and got a random dr off there, being too ashamed to go through my insurance to admit a problem.  Im def. not wanting to go back to the doctor that started me on this.  The fact that she would increase my dose for pain blows my mind.  Thats not what its for and now im suffering because of it.  But I am checking my liver. I got it checked a few months ago and it was fine since I was only addicted for about a year or 2,never got anything on the street and never strayed from my prescription.. addicted for 2 weeks, wd 2 weeks lol its a weird story but after reading everything im getting more and more scared and frustrated cause i should have never been on this.  Had i researched this a year ago or had the right information given to me at the dr I would never be in this situation.  Im going to have to go cold turkey in about a week anyway cause im almost out of my prescription.. Please pray.. this is miserable :(

[LateAugust]

I am so sorry, I am sure you must miss your mom so very much....  but you know all those sayings,  they are true....  she is in your heart and your mind and no one can ever take the memories or her love away from you....     as you think of her,  she is with you,  you are an integral part of her and you always and forever ever will be,  as she is with you.    

Honey,  please, you  have insurance    don't be embarrassed,  this is your life and you need and deserve the best medical help that is available to you,  please commit to changing doctors and finding one that will help you in your goals and ease your apprehension and fears,  I am not saying it will be easy,  you know it will take alot of hard work  and some pain.....  but please make it as tolerable as possible  and with someone you have confidence in and feel comfortable and included in the decisions for your treatment.  Perhaps stop reading  the scary stories or article for the rest of the weekend,  find a good book,  distract your mind on something more pleasant or entertaining  while you worry :)   try to ease you mind,  even if it is just for a few hours.  Watch a good movie.  Call a friend, or family member,  ask them to come over... do you have someone you  trust that you can reach out to?  I know it's late   but perhaps tomorrow you could go to an AA meeting, or to church in the morning....  

Your post touches my heart,  all I can say is I care,  I will pray for you and please keep posting....  there are others here that know your pain of w/d and they will have some great advise for you....     take good care of you,  and please know you are loved.

[YoungNLove]

Every action I do shes in my mind.  Im lucky to have the memory of the love my mom gave me.  She took care of me and I took care of her.  She was not just my mom but my bestfriend.  I wish every girl was as lucky as me or your daughter.  

I know im looking way too far into this whole withdrawal thing and scaring myself, only making it worse.  My job is already hanging by a thread, if im going through withdrawal dragging my body around for a month ill be out in a second.. At this point ive just put it all in Gods hands and just taper myself off the vicodin since it gives me no real feeling and just focus on being normal.  Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel will stop looking like a train soon?  

And yes, I am very lucky to have a husband.  Its harder cause im off weekends and he works them but hes home right now and making me crack up.  He kinda understands whats going on.  All he really knew was that it was very expensive and didnt know why cause he doesnt see me as a strung out addict.  But hes happy im off and just keeps pushing me forward.  We're actually going to Disneyland tomorrow so im sure that can be nothing but great for my recovery.  Just have to get through the night :-/

Thank you for giving me hope.  You speak like my mom and keep me in tears through the whole thing.  I guess thats the great thing about moms.  They can make the biggest boo-boos feel better lol

Do you think I should go to the same Dr or should I look for a new one?  I just feel so betrayed I cant even bring myself to call to tell her what I think of her practices.. I have a PPO so it shouldnt be too hard but its new insurance so I dont want them thinking im this big addict trying to get prescription pills and dr hopping.  I cant wait til im back to normal and can go about my life.  

[LateAugust]

Welllll since you ask......lol.......   Look for a new doctor, on Monday.   You don't owe the current doc  any explanation, perhaps when you are stronger write a letter and tell her exactly why you decided to go with a different physician,  I wouldn't worry about the insurance, if they do happen to question you, be honest.

  Hunker up with your husband,  get a good night's sleep and have a great day tomorrow  at DisneyLand!!     And for now that is all you have to do.....  love your husband,  sleep well,  and get Goofy's autograph tomorrow!!!

Please let me know how you are doing on Monday. Good night sweetie....Jeanette
(ps   a good boo hoo always makes one feel better)

[YoungNLove]

Ok ill start my search first thing Monday morning.  Thank you for your help tonight.  I think ill be sleeping a little easier now :)  Have a wonderful night.  Ill let you know how it goes
-Kelly

[YoungNLove]

What is that medication you mentioned?  Is that prescribed?  I think im just going to have to start 100% fresh and just find a whole new dr and have them ACTUALLY get me OFF opioids instead of replacing them with an even more powerful/harder to get off opioid.  Do you think ill be ok by 1/1/10? That looks like thatll be my clean year.  Ive never been so ready to quit this ****