Completely Addicted and Completely Lost

Question

Hey there,
Well I am new to this forum as well as admitting let alone talking to strangers about my problem, with the exception of one amazing person in my life that is nothing short of Godsend. I am truly blessed to have an amazing man that Im about to marry and who deserves to marry the real me. I am also the mother of two beautiful children who need their mother now more than ever. Well that being said, I am addicted to hydrocodone and ambien, which started innocently enough but very quickly grew into something far beyond pain management. Since I was 21 its been one addiction or another. I smoked meth for several years and one day hated myself so much that with Gods help I walked away clean and never again had so much as a twinge of want for it again. Half way through my second pregnancy I completely lost the ability to sleep, to even fall asleep, and that has continued for almost six years now. I have had every med under the sun and ambien is the only one that will even buy me two hours of sleep. Problem is 30 only lasts about five days or so. Last April I started having excruciating back pain...ibuprofen worked for awhile until it didn't....all of which got compounded by lack of sleep. Now I spend most of every day in what I call the "scramble" which is a sheer panic attack to find a way to refill and flat out make ok with myself how many mg of pills I continuously throw down and wash down with copious amounts alcohol to top off a bad situation. Rarely am I lucky enough to have both of my meds at the same time because of the way I screwed the pooch on that one. During my nasty drag out divorce I spent some time on xanax which helped but quickly became an addiction also. I was able to lay that one down too.  I really don't wanna be high everyday all day but the thought of a sober day in reality terrifies me and the thought that sleep just doesnt come at the end of that day sends me over the edge.  dont know what to do

allformykid · Answer

hey texgal...

ive been reading many stories on this forum but yours really struck me due to the large amounts of alcohol you are also ingesting with the drugs.  i too did this: 6-8 shots of vodka a day coupled with 10-20 lortabs and 4 tylenol pm to sleep at night.  three weeks ago i started having what felt like severe heartburn, the urgent care doc thought bleeding uclers due to vomiting blood, but no... after a trip to the er it turned out to be pancreatitis, gall stones and liver malfunction.  all very serious and all as a direct result of the cocktail i was taking daily.  i spent 7 days in the hospital, where i was forced to fast the entire time, while the docs bombarded me with questions about my drinking and drug habits.  i lied through my teeth to them and vowed to myself to quit.  after i was released from the hospital i completely turned my life around.  i am now completely clean (5 days) and i have cut my drinking down to 1 shot of vodka every other day... mostly to help with the wd symptoms.  i now have to have my gall bladder removed as quickly as possible so as not to end up in the same situation as before... since all my drinking and drug use has FILLED my gall bladder with stones.  

bottom line... it took a life threatening situation for me to snap to it.  dont let this happen to you.

by the way, i am a young (36) single mother of one incredible child... i have everything to quit for!  AND SO DO YOU!

ann

mindovermatter10 · Answer

You can do this...but you have to want to do it...it sounds like your on the fence as was I for so many years....addiction is a scarey thing!...Like so many say 1000 pills is never enough we find ways to get more and the "scramble" gets harder and harder and exhausting every time. We dig ourselves so deep while life flys by especially us with children...i don't want this for them...you have to really want this and think how great it will feel to put your energy into good things like hobbies you enjoy or being healthy....i am here for you and I really pray that you think this over the pros and cons...you can do this...Big hugs!

IwillDoThis · Answer

Hi & Welcome Tex Gal- I have no insurance either and it can be done from home - I did it.  I'm 66 days off Hydros and 36 days off ambien/xanax and various other meds.  YOU CAN DO THIS but you really must want it more than anything else.

Stick around for support - I'm gonna send you a PM with more detail so check your inbox.

We do understand, we have been there and we'll support you!

minn66 · Answer

Hi and welcome! I quit hydrocodone cold turkey back in November. The physical wd is awful. I told myself I had a bad bug. We've all been sick and the only way to get better is to suffer through it. After about the fifth day I started noticing incremental changes. To make it through, I stocked up on Immodium, Gatorade (Powerade or Vitamin Water is great too). B12 supplements. A heating pad and hot showers and baths in Epsom salts. Homemade chicken soup hubby made for me, crackers, and fruit.  Also, you will need a plan for when you have pain. 

I am not familiar with Ambien but someone who is will chime in. 

I shared my story. Some people can successfully taper but it takes a lot of discipline. Also, I had to accept that I need help. I joined an NA group with a close friend who is three years sober now. I am also going to counseling. 

I do hope my story has helped and please keep posting. This site has helped me make it through many a rough day. 

Good luck, 

Minn

Tom86 · Answer

i pray that you are able to put a good plan into place.  and I hope you can taper.  I encourage you to try for your self.  you have to want this.  Again I know addiction very very well.  Ive been thru rehab twice and relapsed again and again.  this is a life long disease without a cure only a treatment.  I wish you the best of luck

texgal69 · Answer

I understand your point of view and really do appreciate the help....but unfortunately the rehab option is very expensive and not an option for me financially or location wise....we live in the boonies....way into the boonies like bfe

Tom86 · Answer

I dont mean to scare you.  In my experience with my drug addiction is that yes some people can and do get off of the drugs on thier own.  that is a very few people.  The fact is this.  The sooner u get help the better it it for your brain.  The longer you use the more changes happen in your brain.  Relapse happens to all addicts.  It is normal.  It is not about will power.  If it were there wouldnt be as many of us addicts.  your first step is to detox safely.  that takes care of the physical part of the disease.  the second part is the mental disease.  you deal with depression, cravings, PAWS that can last a year.  in my opinion she needs an assesment right away.  from what she is saying compulsive behavior, obsessing about having the pills sounds like she needs a doctors help.   I can say this because ive been there.  im 11 days clean and my mind is still thinking about using all of the time.  how can someone deal with all of this without the educational part of a drug program.  im really just trying to help

texgal69 · Answer

I am so sorry you got that response, I am fortunate enough to have the freedom to be completely honest with my man and he still loves the same and even thanked me for being brave enough to be honest with him. But he doesnt struggle with anything like that or ever has so he doesnt completely understand either...anyways Im hanging

Allscrewdup · Answer

My wife has been an insomniac for 5 plus years, she also doesn't sleep at all without the ambien, Maybe you should check into a sleep disorder clinic to see why you can't sleep, maybe you have something like sleep apnea, When I quit these pills the first time I told her about it and I got "you did this to yourself " deal with it, until she saw how bad I was struggling then I got a little support, Hang in there

texgal69 · Answer

it is refreshingly nice ...really nice to be able to speak freely without getting the look of empty empathy from someone who wants to help but doesnt understand at all or someone who just judges you

texgal69 · Answer

Well my intention is to jump off this hydrocodone roller coaster at full speed and pray for the 19th to come quickly so at least I can refill my sleeping pills. I am not so addicted that I buy them off the street or doctor hop..so I guess thats a good thing...I have only had a consistent script for the hydracodone for three months but im at 12 - 13 a day so I want off before I dont wake up one morning..Im just scared because there is not a lot of help out there especially in this tiny town.

Allscrewdup · Answer

Hey really glad you are taking the steps to get off the hydro, I never thought I could get off them either, I also have a very addictive personality, once you get through the worst of it you'll be amazed at how you think and see things differently, I know you can do this, if I can anybody can, just keep telling yourself after the w/ds subside things will get a little better everyday. There are a lot of good people on here that have been in your exact situation and want to help you. So keep reading and posting and you'll beat this.

texgal69 · Answer

Lol.. I dont scare easy...I was honest.My doctor is a **** and I dont have insurance anymore. He wrote another script and told me I have a month to figure it out or deal with it and that no pain doctor will see me because of insurance. I live in a tiny town and we have exactly 2 doctors so the pickins are kinda slim

texgal69 · Answer

I was not planning on quitting cold turkey but just filled my script and went through all of them in a week. I have 5 left. I average about 12 or so a day of the 10/325. Ambien is a sleeping pill

hisgirl885 · Answer

dont scare her. You have to be encouraging . 
Texgal, I am on day 2 and is it easy.. no, but I am doing it, and you can too!  We are all here for you, and believe me, If I can do it so can you

Tom86 · Answer

welcome the first think u have to understand is that you have a problem with substance abuse, I take it u do because you are here. you have come to the right place for some good advice. Substance abuse disorder is a complex disease of the brain. in your case you have multiple drugs of choice. that wont be easy to fix and almost impossible to stop on your own. you need to go atleast see your primary physician and be honest about everything. Im an pain pill addict of 17 years. that was the hardest thing ive ever had to stop I tried on my own and always failed. one sure thing that will happen is that your tolerance will increase and your situation will always become worse go get some help asap thats my advice good luck people beat this every day. it will not be easy

hisgirl885 · Answer

I know its hard but you can do it, theres so many people on here to help you and will be here for you.
Its sooo hard... Im quitting cold turkey off vicodion and I am on day 2... I feel like poop but I am on here just reading and it helps alot. I dont know what ambien is, but I know hydrocodone so I know what u are going through. I was taking 13-15 pills a day..... I didnt taper, just went cold turkey but its hard...
Maybe you can taper too? Or are you trying to quit cold turkey?