How I feel today...day 31. sober, ******, depressed. HAVE YOU EVER felt like this..Imagine being poor and putting a quarter down on black jack and winning 10 million dlrs. That would be great and all, but you'll never have a day so great the rest of your life. or Imagine being so hungry that you have starvation pains, then you eat, but only to find that you still feel empty and pains...maybe realizing it's drugs that your body is longing for and not food. damn damn damn...Another day, If only I could just sleep, I would sleep the time away. Just knowing that I'm prob never going to feel as good again in my natrual state as I did when I was high makes me hopeless...I'm never going to feel that good again in my entire life. Of course I know thats because that feeling isn't normal, its unnatrual to feel that great. At least I lived through it...I sometimes wonder if thats actually a good thing. and knowing that there is a way to feel that good again, all I have to do is get high..makes this sober thing all the more hard. I've been off oxy's for about 5 months, but only of Suboxone for 31 days..which is what I actually consider my sober time. Sorry for being such a downer, I used to be a happier person, before the drugs....but I honestly think that person is gone forever. I'll never forget the high. I just forget to play the whole tape out and to remember what happens after the high is gone. I've already lost everything though, so don't a at least deserve to feel good. I understand what I'm doing to myself, putting myself down so low and not being positive..but it's these two voices..one telling me to fight it and take charge...then there is that other voice.."you have some money, you have the number..just one more time"..but we all know how that turns out. Well, at least today is another day that thus far I have choosen to keep being miserable over being high..and honestly after these 5 months..i'm not sure how much longer thats going to last. just saying.. it's not so much the withdrawl that was actually the worst, although so horrible as it was..it's this damn CONTINOUS RELEASE of the after effects..the depression, anxiety, restless legs, sleeplessness, hopelessness and the realization that I'll never feel that good again in my entire life....unless I use. God, I hope I'm soo wrong.
You are wrong, trust me. You will feel happy again. Naturally happy. Exercise, eat right..start doing things that make you happy. You can produce your own serotonin again, it just takes time. That is what makes you happy. Exercise produce endorphins, endorphins produce serotonin, and that makes you happy. You may not be high, but you will be happy. You don;t need the high. That's your body and mind craving the drug. Get through it. It gets better and easier.
Here if you want to talk.
(Oh and FYI to our mods..its about time we got spellcheck in these threads..lol)
Man I totally get what you're feeling. What's the point if you can't feel as happy as you did when you were high? The thing is that happiness seems so much better than it really was when you're looking back on it. It wasn't that good and it won't be that good if you go back to it. I remember once when I had relapsed for the fricking umpteenth time wondering when the wonderful happiness was gonna kick in and feeling kind of annoyed that it wasn't there. It wasn't that good and it won't ever be even as good as it was.
It's similar to the feeling I get when I think about having a cigarette(I quit smoking about 6 months ago). When I'm day dreaming about smoking I think how wonderful it would be to sit outside and have a smoke. I actually had one about four months ago and it sucked. Hurt my lungs and tasted like crap. (Thank goodness I haven't had another since.) The smoking wasn't great when I did it but my mind tricks me into thinking how wonderful it was and would be if I started again.
The mind tricks us into thinking that the only way to be happy is to use. It's not true it's just the pills or the addiction etc. Once a long enough time goes by I think the mind relearns how to be happy, content, satisfied etc. without the drugs.
Hey Troy well what you got is 2 fold your craving using and your experiencing P.A.W.S
you might want to look it up in the health pages to the right of the screen...first off we need to adress the cravings to ketch a buzz ...you need some sort of aftercare to teach you how to deal with your feelings...weather it be an N/A meeting or a substance abuse conslor but someone to talk things out with....first its a thought ...then its an obsession
then it turns into an action...you need to break the chain b/4 you wind up using again
you got to much clean time now to give up...as for the P.A .W .S there are things you can take that help get rid of it or at least minimize it there also in the health pages
right now you need to become proactive in your recovery aftercare is not optional it is a necessity and will help you out of this dark place your in right now ..so take some incentive to do something b/4 its to late....at least give it a try....most people feel a bit aquard the first time but once your there you will see the people are understanding and friendly...it will really help you out...good luck and God bless...Gnarly
I like so many others know exactly what your feeling and trust me I know it's hard to turn that little voice off that tells you to go out and use but look at your progress thus far. By the time you read this it will have been 32 days. You deserve a pat on the back! Believe me I know it's hard to not do anything but I can tell you if you keep yourself busy your mind will start to feel natural happiness again. I'm not going to lie, you might have another 2 weeks or so of being in this state of mind, but I would bet anything that in the next month you will wake up one day and say to yourself, Hey I don't feel so crappy anymore. At least that's how it was for me. My stupidity got the best of me when my friend passed but I had a couple of great months not on any drug. You will to and more. I believe in you, believe in yourself, reward yourself for your progress. I wish the best for you and please I know it's hard but try to get out of that negative hole you dug yourself into, remember tomorrow is always another day down.
Just think of how depressed you'd be if you did relapse. When I was on Methadone I was more miserable than I am now. If someone made me mad I'd have fits of rage and I always ended up with slit wrists or a broken bone. Now when I get mad or depressed, I can at least rationalize, which I couldn't do on opiates. Just try to think things through completely, which it seems you are regardless of how you feel.
I'm on OxyContin right now and it *****. I know in the back of my mind I have to deal with this very soon. I'm scared of what is coming for me, I wake up depressed every damn day until I get a pill down. I totally envy you as you're over the major hurtles and on your way back to a normal life. If you exercise and eat right you'll be well on your way to feeling great in no time. I guarantee that you are in a much better place than I am.
Its just like the end of an emotional relationship. At first you cant get that person out of your head for a minute. You genuinely believe you will never find that kind of love again, or that no one will ever fill that void. After some time goes by you start to fill your time with other activities and thoughts, then realize you havent thought about that person in a while. Then its days, weeks, etc. Then when you arent really paying attention anymore you find a better love, less turmultuous and more secure. The passion is there but without the frantic efforts to hold on.
I have been in this situation in my life and survived to love again. I truly believe that my recovery will take this same path. I will be happy again...and without al the drama.
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