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Core Issues
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Core Issues

When were very young and our brains are immature things happen to us that we are not old enough to rationalize........
My core issue was my father.......
My first memory of my life was my dad carrying me away from my grandparents house where I lived for the first four years of my life.........
I remember kicking and crying and screaming that I didn't want to go and still remember the look on my grandfathers face as neighbors all walked outside to see what all the comotion was about........

My father was very cruel and mean......he beat the hell out of all of us including my mom when things in his life didn't go his way.........

I was terrified of him for many years and at age 13 when I smoked my first joint with my friend found relief from my coward and helpless feeling that I lived everyday with........

I hated my dad growing up and used to pray to god all the time to save our family from him........
watching my Mom get the living **** beat out of her for no good reason........all the time or watching my dad beat my brothers or sisters *** for trival things.........
at the dinner table once my mom served all of us tomato juice for dinner I didn't want to drink mine and my dad threatened me so I had no choice but to drink it.......I thought it would be best not to sip it and just down it .......well half way down my body and mind rejected it and i threw it all up on the dinner table ........my father immediately with his fist hit my right in the face and knocked me in the air where I landed in the living room and the chair broke all to hell.........
he then attacked me and threw me headfirst into the wall of my bedroom screaming that if I came out of my room he would smash my face in.......all I could do was cry my Mom tried to come in and help me, to hold me and my Dad grabed her by the hair and threw her down in the living room and started screaming that if she went back into my room he would smash her teeth in........

I was always afraid as a boy. I was always very nervous about everything...............
Finally when I was 13 my dad picked me up and threw me down the basement steps where I broke my wrist and collar bone.......at the hospital I was so afraid but when the doctor kept pressing me for the truth I would only say I fell down the stairs it was an accident........

I started smoking more and more pot then started taking downers.........I finally started to loose my fear of him and could finally laugh and not shake when I went home............

My addiction ended and recovery started at age 49 when my father died of cancer...........it was like a gorilla got off my back...........
If i would of saw a counselor of some sort and could of talked to someone maybe I could of healed at an earlier age.......but drugs were my best friend and learned that when I was high pain from many things or depression etc.......would go away........I thought drugs were my friend my saviour........

As an adult I should of been able to get over him but everytime I would visit my dad would always try to make me feel like sh*t and put me down with vile comments and he didn't care if he destroyed thanksgiving dinners etc... I hated him and that fueled my addiction for decades........

HIs death was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life......I stopped using went to college where I now have an Associates in Social Work and now starting at U of D mercy college with my major in addiction studies...........

Core issues for very young kids effect them for many years and need to be dealt with by proffesionals......if I would of got professional help sooner I know I could of reached recovery much faster............

Core issues are a big problem if any of you sought drugs to find that safe place in life where you could get rid of pain caused by your surroundings get the help you need........drugs will only make everything worse...and distorted and if any of you have suffered simular things like I have talk to someone who can help.........

Michael
Tags: Addiction
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21 Comments Post a Comment
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190466_tn?1215888454
i really dont know what to say, but i know from your posts that you turned out well and you are an overcommer, keep up your great attitude. Clay TX
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Avatar_m_tn
thank you but I wasted so much time and now have to try to make the best of it......
The positive from all this is I love college and finally know what I want to do with my life.........
In this year of college I will get my CAC (certified addiciton counselor) then hopefully my CAC1...

I do a lot of speaking now and N/A some highschools.....and recently to get accepted I spoke in front of 800 people at U fo D Mercy where I had a blast..........

Yes I have overcame my core issue of my father my only hope is that I still have time to try to save others from the incredible amount of wasted time in a life that is so short but I am 100% commited to what I am doing and hope everyone here finds something in there life that there good at and can do something that makes them happy to make a living..........
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Avatar_m_tn
I was 49 years old when my dad passed with cancer and  I can finally talk about my core issue........

While he was alive I kept everything bottled up inside of me even begging god for help to save our family........but all I ever got was his voice mail...........

Thanks for the kind words and I totally understand where your words are coming from.......

The best of luck to you I truly mean that from my heart...........
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Avatar_m_tn
I knew we had a lot in common. I had no idea how much. It is funny how we are ruled by that scared child in our adult lives. It is funny how many people in our adult lives wear the face of our father, how we will put that face on those who we need acceptance from. I have been getting better at removing Dad's face off of my current tormentors. I wish I could get rid off that altogether. Thanks for your honesty, I still have a ways to go before I can get that honest. I have no doubt you will get your CAC1 in no time. Keep on tearing the face of your father off those who cause you pain in your adulthood. It amazes me how I seek out older abusive and toxic males as my role models. I am getting better. Thanks. Wow. You made me break my silence with this post. Good post!

Manonfire
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Avatar_m_tn
It seems that I want to just pretend it didn't happen, instead of making him answer. Why is that?

At the time when this stuff happens to us were so young and our brain cannot handle it.......
Sometimes it never can as in my case.......the funny thing is I loved my dad ...he was my dad......

So bad I wanted his love and wanted to love him but he slammed that door in my face so many times...and in my opinion he enjoyed it..............

Dont beat yourself up about it if you can afford it or have the insurance you would be surprized how much talking with a professional about it can be so uplifting......I remember I finally broke down and cryed uncontrollably that is how much I kept it all inside for so many years.........I always thought I was a pretty tough kid but realized how deep the hurt was inside of me........

Something very profound in my life my oldest sister who I am very close with sent me a letter just before my dad died saying to me " Michael soon we will all be free"..............

I cannot tell you how that hit me and she also thanked me for always having the courage to step in when my father decided to beat the hell out of the family I would divert his anger to me so that the rest of the family would be safe......you cannot believe how much that meant to me.........
Hang in there and never feel that you are soft about this........don't let it make you feel small........
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Avatar_m_tn
Mine isn't dead yet, but I am dealing with the effects of my childhood, not with him. I hope I have the strength to deal with him before he is dead. I think that will be the only way I can truly heal. I have the opportunity, but my little coward is still alive and well. It seems that I want to just pretend it didn't happen, instead of making him answer. Why is that? Thanks, I have made it a long way since March of this year, but have a long way yet to go. You would think at 41 I would be there, but not yet.
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Avatar_f_tn
WOW!  its amazing what we as children had to endure just to "survive"  i thank god everyday for putting me i my first foster home, had i not already been into drinking and drugs at that time i probably would have made different choices, BUT being in that house "alone" taking care of myself and little sister (which i was not qualified to do at age 10) doing laundry , keeping the woodstove going,and cooking dinner for my mom who says she was at "work" sitting in a bar was her job i guess, came home only to look at dinner and throw the plate across the kitchen because she didnt want "pasta again", always criticizing me, my hair, makeup (when i was old enough to wear it), clothing you name it, always telling me i need to be more independant (at age 10?), or asking me why cant i be more like "whats her name" or "the other girl", they arent like you...they are so much more independent than you, they enjoy "normal things"...throwing me out of the house then calling the cops on me because i was gone for 3-4 days and telling the police "she ran away!" first foster home here i come, stayed there for quite a while, got caught with weed and thrown out of that one into a hell hole which i did run away from...grew up with my grandparents...who i owe my life to (more than once)...(and dad abandoned us when i was in 4th grade) dad lives about 17 miles from me and i still NEVER see him, probably a good thing, although i did hear from some adoption agency a few years back, my dad wanted me to tell the adoption agency what a great father he was? i replied with "no comment" and hung up, he has now adopted 9 children with wife the same age as me...i wonder when he will be sick of that life  after all hes on his 4th marriage.i was also molested by a neighbor when i was 5-6, never told a soul until 3 years ago, then onto an alcoholic, violent boyfriend from 6th grade until my handicapped son was born in 1985, then finally had the grit to leave town with my child and away from him...havent seen or heard from him since my son was 4? (i think) goodbye loser, he was always drunk and if i said the wrong thing i got my *** kicked,but i did try to kick back, usually lost that one, so 17 years old now standing at the police station with my baby, while policeman take pictures of the cuts and bruises from my LAST beating..that was it for me, i enrolled in hairdressing school and moved away...after hairdressing school "the fun began" and here i am...and i have vowed to NEVER be a parent like mine were, although i did fall into the trap of addiction, i was still a very attentive loving parent and my children love being home with me and their dad, thats a huge compliment right there!!!, i tell them every day how much i love my 3 boys, we are together all the time, they always have their friends here, so i am always with them loving every minute of it...and starting to heal at age 40...I know how you all feel...and does the self esteem ever come back? will we ever be pain free?
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Avatar_m_tn
That was a very compelling post and to your question yes one day you will be pain free once you understand why you were so hurt and try to understand why it happened to you.....that you were the innocent one and had nothing to do with the illogical conduct that you were put in.......

As in the case of my father I learned of his bizzare childhood he was beaten like an animal....lived in numerous orphanages and foster homes where he was treated like an animal..........

He was deeply effected and treated his family like he was treated........the great thing about your post and it is exactly how I feel .........I would never treat my own children or anybody else for that matter the way my father treated me........They say if you were beaten and treated like an animal you will do the same.......I disagree 1000% and would never act like him under any circumstances............and I never have.............

Your post means a lot to me and thank you for your words I enjoyed reading it......

good luck to you and yes one day you will be free of your tramatic past and yes your self esteem will grow but that will depend on the effort that you put into it........fight to get there and you will.......

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Avatar_f_tn
i also agree 1000% about the statement that you will treat your family/children in the manner you were treated, being utterly false!!! or my boys would be elsewhere right now.....i too was touched by your openess of your past and not afraid to say, that you felt free the day your dad died...that says ALOT... best of luck to you...do you ever speak or lecture in N.H.?
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Avatar_m_tn
I mentioned this before but I thought it pertinent to mention it here again.....

I little while ago I was watering my front lawn........i had pulled the hose out and it crossed the side walk........
coming down the street was a little boy around 8 a fat mother and I guess to be a boyfriend........

Somehow the little boy wiped out when his front tire hit the hose..........the mother had to hit the skids to stop....
She immediately started to scream profusely at the little boy who was bleeding from his arm and was tangled up in the bike with the handle bar sticking him in his ribs.........
He was trying to get up but could not.......
I ran over and helped the little boy who I noticed was desperatly trying not to cry while now his mother was very belligerent with her language and screaming at him to get up.........
I looked into the little boys eyes which were tearing up but I knew and could tell he would not cry.....why? because I believe he would of got a beating for crying.........
This hit my core issue and I looked at her and told her that if I would not go to jail I would like to smash her frigging face in.............I looked at the guy who was standing there and wished he would of opened his mouth but he sat there as afraid as the little boy............
She was a fat big mouth trailer trash piece of sh** and I wish I could of smashed her face in and made her cry...........
Instead I helped the little boy up and helped him back on his bike.........
AS they left I could here her screaming at him for about two or three houses..........this little boy growing up with a piece of garbage like that who called herself a mother will probably have all kind of problems........
I do not understand how full grown parents treat their children like animals.........
That is why I got a degree in Social work and now major in addiction studies.............

I hope to do some good with young adults before they wake up addicts in their late fourties or fifties.......
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Avatar_f_tn
that little boy may someday appear here on med-help...thats sad, you should have asked her name and reported her...i had a similar thing happen before my eyes..a couple and small (2years old?) boy come to my complex where i was living at the time, their car was parked directly behind my apartment, and i know 2 year olds can be difficult, but you have to deal with it the right way...well i guess the 2 year old started wining because looking at an apartment wasnt his thing, i was sitting at my kitchen table having coffee, i looked outback just in time to see "the dad" grab the little boy by his little forearm, pick him up and literally THROW the boy into the backseat of the car so hard he rapped his head on the window on the other side of the car then shut the door and walk away. i wrote down his liscence plate #, then followed them to where they were living when they left, then proceeded to the police station with liscence plate # and address and reported what i had seen, of course i do not know what ever transpired but i felt good knowing i did the right thing, next time i would probably punch him in the face...isnt it maddening?! where i live you have to pay $38.00 for a fishing liscence, but any fool can have a kid....beach...next time punch her friggin face in , then the boyfriends too for allowing it to happen...i bet it would feel good , huh?
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Avatar_f_tn
its a good feeling to know there are people like you out there to help....go for it and GO BIG!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
how old were you when you remember your moms first beating? the reason i ask is i wonder if my 22 year old son remembers any beatings inflicted on me by his dad? i left his dad when he was almost 3.....just wonder if he remembers...i have asked him and all he says is "my dad drank alot of booze" he hasnt seen his dad since he was 4 ( and thats a good thing, hes a horrible man) and my son is mentally handicapped so his drunk dad is something he didnt need in his life or he wouldnt be where he is right now, hes doing just awesome!!! how often do you go to therapy? and for how long now? do you think it is working for you? i have only been going for 10 weeks now, i think its going to be YEARS....i am glad you are taking care of your core issues and getting help, there arent too many other options out there for us....keep up the good WORK, it is a job in itself...
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sure my "core issues" have so much to do with my behavior with pain pills.  Also, the addictive personality that courses through my veins.  My Dad's an alcoholic, my Mom's an alcoholic/pill addict, and my younger sister had an Oxy habit, with a little dabble in Cocaine, and then moved onto her DOC now, Crystal Meth.
I grew up watching my Dad be a drunk.  Though, the only thing I will give him props for, is never laying a hand on my Mother.  Or us.  That was all I was exposed to after they divorced.  Almost every single boyfriend my Mom had beat the living cra*p out of her.  It was some of the scariest stuff I have ever witnessed in my whole life.  And it was hard...I wanted to help her so bad, but then the abuse would be turned on me.  Not nearly as bad as what she had to endure.
I tried so hard to seperate myself from my family, to try not to be like them.  I graduated high school.  Even took some college courses.  Been on my own since I was 17, and have made a life for myself.  But, the addiction still found me.  I have recently began to see a psychotherapist, in hopes of working through some of the horrible things I have seen and experienced.  In my opinion, domestic violence is the most horrible thing for a child to go through, and witness.  It makes me physically sick.
But thank you for opening my eyes to all this.  I am MUCH different than my family...but we all have the common trait of Addiction.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there!
I was actually...8 I think when I saw my Mom get hit for the first time.  Scariest night of my life, I had absolutely NO IDEA what to do.  Luckily, we had just moved across the street from my Grandparents (Mom's parents) and I ran over there and called the police.  So, I pretty much remember every detail about all of her abusive boyfriends (and 1 husband-not my Dad).
I am only in my....fifth week of therapy.  We have pretty much just skimmed the top of most of my issues.  I do notice, though, that I look forward to my appointments (once a week, one hour).  I feel very comfortable with my therapist, and have talked to her about everything...my Chronic Pain, my addictive personality,  my witnessing of abusive relationships, abuse (mental/physical) of my sister and I, work issues...pretty much anything.  
So, I'm not exactly sure if it's working for me yet....but it really is worth a try.  It just feels good to get things out.  And I've got a lot to get out!
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239164_tn?1207266607
It is horrible to love and fear someone at the same time...it is a conflict in emotion that is difficult for an adult, much less a child to understand or deal with.  For me, my core issue was my father's death.  That is what "triggered" my descent into addiction.  Before his illness and death, pain pills were a sometimes necessary nuisance!  I hated if I had to take one.  One day, right after he was diagnosed, I found that the "hated" pill did something different to me...it made me feel better emotionally.  What a bummer (in retrospect).  Then I found that every time I was sad or bummed out I would take some pills and feel better.  We all know how the rest of that story goes.  I'm sorry for your pain.  Have you reached "forgiveness" of your father yet?  When you do, you will truly be set free.  Keep up the good fight and please keep posting here...your posts are inspirational in that they tell us all what we need to hear (whether or not it's what we want to hear!)

Peace
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Avatar_n_tn
my dad died 3 years ago....................................
















nothing.
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239164_tn?1207266607
What do you mean by "..........................nothing."?  I'm sorry for your pain.  If you want to talk, I'll be around.

Peace
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Avatar_n_tn
i feel nothing about his death, he was no friend of mine..........
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239164_tn?1207266607
I'm so sorry.  It's hard for me to imagine.  I don't have the excuse of a bad childhood for my addiction.  Just the opposite was true.  The "trigger" for me was my father's diagnosis with terminal cancer and prognosis of 4 - 6 months.  I was laying in bed, beside him, while he died.  He was conscious and trying to talk to my mother, brother and me.  It was a horrible scene, and it haunts me to this day. He died 11 years ago and I miss him more all the time.  I still have my sweet mother, but she is slowly subcoming to Alzheimer's.  I am getting married in 3 weeks and if I could have anything in the world I wanted, it would be to have my father to walk me down the aisle and dance with me at my wedding.  Again, I read the posts of the problems children had with abusive, mean, negligent or absent parents and it breaks my heart.  Basically, my family was Ozzie and Harriet.  I was the youngest of 4 kids, the only girl.  My mother had a degree in Home Economics and my father was a Geologist.  My mother taught school, so was home with us when we were home.  We had meals together, went to church together, went on vacations every summer.  As I said, I don't have the issues or the reasons for using some have.  I guess the pain is enough of a reason if we don't find another way to deal with it.  Again, I'm sorry for the emptiness.  I wish I knew what to say.

Peace
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Avatar_f_tn
i know for me just talking about my childhood helps me in a way, some people try to pretend it never happened and i beleive thats why some take so long to heal. i never even knew i had a horrible childhood until i was older and started going to friends houses for sleepovers and saw how differently they all lived compared to me, i thought the way our family lived was "completely normal" because i knew nothing else, so for future reference just listening is a wonderful and helpful thing to do, sometimes people just need to vent, to let it out  and the more i talk of my past the more i actually remember also, i have forgotten things, some bad but also some good....
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