Core issue for using

[worried878]

Does anyone here know why they used in the first place?  can u go back and pinpoint the reason or was it just a vague void that needed to be filled...or a chronic pain thing that slipped up on u?...I identified my trigger after quitting...one major one...but i do see now that i feel lows that i do not like but it is de ja vu...i felt this way before and used pills to stay happy and on top of things...chronic pain...yes...but i will take responsibiltiy for abusing for the high and the happines it brought,,,getting alot done....chronic pain breeds depression tho so it is hard to know for sure which came first.....i wonder about my mental status before pills...where was i at exactly?

[mustanginhouston]

I can't remember a time when I was not using since I was 14 except being pregnant and breastfeeding for six months. But at that time I was with someone who was using. I have always thought there are two different kind of addicts one- who gets messed up to forget (you know can't walk or talk) or two- who gets high to function. I have always stayed high but I didn't like being out of Control. Since 14 I have tried everything but heroin and crack. I quit the hard stuff when I got pregnant and after my son was born found this wonder pill that made me so happy. No matter what feelings I had prior to taking that pill. I really don't know who I am anymore. Today is day one for me and I am really praying someday I can be comfortable in my own skin.

[corey411]

Great post. I actually started using one spring day when everrything in my life was finally coming together. I had used drugs recreationally in the early 70s but hated opiates. Did mostly amphetamines and drank on weekends. I went for over 20 years through a divorce, the loss of a child, put myself through school to become an Occupational Threapist and didn't use. I was running 7-10 miles a day and was probably addicted to that but at least it was healthy. I had a house built, moved in with Joe who I had been with for over 12 years at the time, kids finally left home and I had a granddaughter I adored. I had just got promoted to Rehab Director and got a nice raise. The thing that happened is I was alone in a house and someone told me their MD put them on Oxycontin. They picked up the bottle and shook it and said you know that stuff that is always on the news. The person went to the bathroom and I was alone in the room with the bottle. I had never thought of using or even wondered about them before. I am not the kind of person who would take something that wasn't mine but it was like this was destiny. I took 2 pills to try. I felt so guilty and actually opened the car window to throw them out. Second mistake, I didn't. After trying them that was it. I was addicted and getting pills regularly in no time. I had an injury at that time also and was no longer able to run and I am starting to believe that the drugs were a substitute from the high I missed from running. That's my ugly story. Corey

[narkz]

started taking b/c of legitimate pain.  loved the feeling.  this is the "IT" that drugs give.  never took anything before that, was totally clean for like 30 years of my life.  i even wouldn't take otc stuff either, thought it was weak to do so.  but surgical wisdom extraction is something else pain-wise, and dental surgeries and broken bones require stronger pain relief.

then, i just ended up having so many of them around that, hey, feelin bad today?  got 3 or 4 bottles full of pills...had vike ESs, percs, OC 20s, u name it.  i had like 4 types of stuff.  i'd take one every other day or every few days, whatever.  then, it became sort of why should i ever have to feel bad or stressed?  there's a pill out in the car, bottles full.  

that developed into a dependency.  the usage never hit more than 3 pills/day on average, b/c i am not an addictive type personality and i have a high degree of discipline and the worst is b/c they just stop fking working unless u take 10 of them and i did not want to go down that road.  i have some legitimate pain but the narcs were for emotional stuff and just coping with life.

i'm sure everybody here has pretty much the same story.

[taytay90]

My usage started with back pain but then i started using to numb myself from my husband. Like toxic said, he has always been my biggest trigger. I've been doing great for months now but we are going through a hellacious divorce. I want to go find some pills right so very bad but i know if i do the whole cycle will start over again. I'm just ready to find someone who is not judgemental and will love me for who I am.

[kimmieb]

girlfriend, still one of THE best posts/threads i've ever read....and yes, YOU needed to get that out....and i was happy you did....made my heart very happy for you....know you are gone today enjoying the weekend....look forward to our e-mail chats next week and always....keep up the good fight....you are one awesome lady....and i only wish the best for you....now let's work on getting you on that flight up to chicago :-)

love & blessings.....
kim

[ILoveLukey]

Arthritis pain and torn rotator cuff got me started but I only took them when I needed them. Then some guy I worked with said "Hey you want to feel good? and gave me two hydros.  Man, I loved that feeling. Great buzz. Got all my work done, cleaned my office, felt incredible on them. Then he told me the internet website where he ordered them from and I placed my first order.I got used to that great feeling that made my life seem so much better that I ordered and ordered and ordered.................the rest of the story needs no explaining.

[Mikeinthesouth]

Broken back then off to the races. I find I have always had that addictive nature though and drank the same way until it stopped working for me at all. Then I found the new love of my life. Hopefully now I have lost that addictive nature, please hold one second while I light a cigarette and eat some more chocolate. LOL

[worried878]

Funny how we seem to meet the same type of partners over and over...like we have a sign on our head or something....faith, u have lived thru alot but u do have something in ur 40s...u r clean....it helped me to pour all that out and at the first i was just gonna touch on it...then i saw others really going into detail and it felt good for me to get that out so thanx for reading/listening......and Reign...18 hours is almost a whole day!...good 4 u!

[Reign30]

I lost control when my ex left.  She was my restraint..her daily comments about me being an addict curb my usuage or at least kept them in check.  We had a fallout and when she left..any restraint I had..left with her also.

I noticed that I was taking them to only feel right, but even then, it wasn't right any more.  I was taking more and more and not getting the same feeling...my energy was sapped and my work has been nonexistent and i just didn't have the energy to do much any more.  This is my second attempt..18 hours so far and counting.

[faith_hope_love]

I don't even know where to start.  Mine was back pain BUT the "root" that led to abusing the pills had been there since childhood.  My dad is an alcoholic.  Although he lived with us until mama divorced him when I was 11, I don't remember him much except the drunk times where we would have to ride around all night until he passed out and it was safe to go home.  I could write a book just on what he put us through but I will leave it at that.  Because daddy didn't give a ****, mama had to work LONG hours just so we could eat and wasn't home alot when I was growing up...had sitters when I was younger and then stayed by myself in my teens. I do have to say that my mama was like superwoman and she made durn sure we never lacked and alway's showed me and my brother alot of love almost too overprotective.  Her bad habit, she worried all the time and about everything so guess what behavior I learned at a young age...to be worried all the time and about everything and I learned from my father at a young age to be scared all of the time.

Then when I was 11, I just happened to mention to my friend that her 20 yr. old brother was cute.  Remember, I was 11 years old and really had the mentality of a 9 yr. old since mama kept me so sheltered all the time.  My friend told her brother...just in a joking way..we were kids.  A few days later he asked me to come look at something in his bedroom and ...well since this is the first time I am saying it..he attacked me and you all can figure out what happened.  

So, I already had learned to have worry and fear in my childhood and this **** just escalated the feelings and I began to withdraw.  I slowly throughout my late teens and early adulthood had learned that it is better to stay by myself where I am safe.

Around 18 I met my son's father.  He was a nice man, but I would learn as the years went by that he was an alcoholic.  We had a son who is 20 now and he is the best son I could ever hope for. Me and his dad never married because of the alcohol and went are seperate ways.  He died a few years ago at 39 due to alcohol...he would binge and then go to detox and he did that like 5 times back to back.  One day he was found dead in his livingroom.  

Around 26 I met this "wonderful" man.  Remember that I already have low self esteem and the mentality that no one could ever possibly love me because no one ever did starting with good old dad. (I am talking about a man's love here)  So I totally ignored all the RED flags and married this man.  I knew he smoked a little weed and drank a little but in my mind it was no big deal(can you say denial here?) everybody did that.  So I married him.  Come to find out he was strung out on crank!  I had NO idea what that was or what I had gotten myself into but I found out really quick.  I won't list all the "craziness" here but for example after he had stayed up for 11 days, he all of a sudden decides that the DEA is in our backyard and surrounding us so he drags me under the house and made me stay there with him all night. The whole time he is freaking out!  He keeps seeing DEA agents and the police in the yard and as you all know..there was no one there.  You would have thought after this episode(there had already been others) that I would have left him but no, I stayed.  The final straw was one night when he was strung out and being paranoid and I got mad and screamed, I am filing for divorce!  and ran out of the house.  That was a bad mistake.  He comes running into the yard like a crazy person and tackles me to the ground and starts beating me in the face and all over..he keeps on and on and then starts strangling me.  Here is where I realize that I have waited too long and he is really going to kill me.  I start to go unconcious and in my head I am crying out to God to please save me and I promised God that if he did I would never go back to him and finally my ex let's up and I start screaming and his mom runs out (we were staying with them since he couldn't hold a job) and takes me to my mother's house.  I still remember her words of "please don't call the police!"  Here I am with (come to find out later) broken ribs, a concussion, handprints on my neck and my face unrecognizable and this is what she says to me!  Anyhow, I never did go back.  My ex died a few years ago.  It was a car wreck where he was going at a high rate of speed and slammed into a tree.  I don't think he ever quit using although he had his parents probably fooled that he did.

This violence was the breaking point in my life and I had a nervous breakdown.  I stayed in my mother's house and rarely even left my room for a year.  Still to this day, I struggle with my emotions because that last incident had such a profound effect on me.  I had nightmares for years.

I managed to get it together finally and even started a business, bought a home was doing ok, life was good and then once again the bottom drops out when I hurt my back.  I learn at the dr. that I had degeneration in my cervical, thorasic and lumbar spine and some arthritis and scoliosis.  In a matter of a few years, I had to close my business due to it being too hard on my back and then lost my home and all in this same time is when my doctor prescribed lortab and soma for pain.  I finally had to move back to my mother's and that brings us to today where I am finally getting off the pills and now am  starting my whole life over with nothing in my 40's.  

Needless to say, I am scared (as usual? lol) of what the future holds.  The good news is I am starting to feel like I am in a good place mentally.  I can say this, the pain in my back and in my mind were worse on the pills.  I feel I am in more control without them.  I am forcing myself to write this because I just cannot handle group meetings(my town is small and I don't need everyone knowing my business) and I know that if I want to be successful that I need to talk about my past so that I am free to live my future.  I am getting stronger everyday and I am trying to learn that I don't have anything to be ashamed of.  It is so weird how you can feel shame for what others have done to you.  I get angry too when I think of what some people have done to me but I guess that is healthy.  

Thanks worried for starting this thread, I didn't intend to write so much but at least I can say to myself  that I have finally talked about the issues instead of burying them like I alway's did and can go on from here.

[hopeful4us]

for me it was the high and how i didnt feel anything but joy and happiness. all the emotional pain disappeared, A huge part of it for me also was how it gave me the self confidence i am lacking my whole life. I have always been extremly shy (the reason why you dont see too many posts from me) and not comfortable in my own skin. Had trouble speaking with people and just relaxing and being myself. The drugs took that all away for me. I suddenly could talk to anyone and had for the first time in my life some self confidence and i actaully was comfortable around people. It was amazingly awesome for some one who struggled with this her whole life...but eventually it turned around and i became a recluse even more so then before so i knew i had to do something about getting off of these evil drugs.

[worried878]

After reading i started thinking back...i met my x-husband when i was 13...and started smoking pot..i came from a very strict religious middle class large family and had a curfew etc..he was free as a bird..he came from an alcoholic rich family who did not keep up with him at all ...anyway, we indulged in coke, pot, anything around to be honest...pregnant amd married at 16, i slowed down and quit everything in my 20s...he followed maybe closer to 30ish...i remember i asked my san where his dad was when he was like 6,,,he said "he is in the tool room smoking pot"...time to stop and i put an end to it as i had already stopped when it came to hiding it and sneaking cos ur kids are old enuf to know
I hurt my back teaching aerobics when i was 26 years old...still no drug use...divorced at 33 and did go on a 5 year drinking/partying/dating spree...i guess i was trying to make up for lost time...never interfered with my job or my kids tho as by this time i had gone back to school and had a career in nursing
Used the pills for surgeries like my neck surgery 6 years ago but never even liked them...started using them about 4-5 years ago for entertainment..It was like one day i liked them...my grandfather shot himself and we found him 2 days later...being a nurse...i cleaned up the mess..we cleaned out the cabinets later and i found tons of lortabs10 years old from my g-mothers use during her bout with cancer/she had dies years before...still good tho and gave most of them away to a friend who liked them and she said "girl...take a few..u would like them..so i did....she feels guilty now but she should not..i did this not her..anyway..she had a source and we would get 30 pills every 3 months...this went on for over a year..then i went to the doctor and got a script..it evolved from there and a break up triggered me to start using daily...i found i did not miss him when i used
then i have realized since i quit that my x-husband is my worst trigger...he started dating my best friend 1 month after his wife died last year...he has millions and she went for it...this sent me into a using frenzy..she is no longer my best friend/dont speak to her and he has dumped her since...LOL he called and told me they were dating...i worked out and talked to her daily and she failed to mention the fact that she was seeing my x-husband..perhaps i was being too hard on her but i erased her from my life
anyway...like hopsing...i was a barrel of energy on pills..a work out nut and a social supercreature.. but that slowly faded away into depression and fatigue...the pills no longer made me happy and became a source of pain for me...then i found the forum and i quit
long post but i think i needed to let this out...or let it go

[Reign30]

I got my first vicodin (5mg) because I had my wisdom tooth pulled.  I noticed that it really ease the back problem I was having.  Innocently, i asked for more to deal with the day to day back pain.  Then I noticed if i took two..the pain went away and i got a feeling of euphoria.  Work wasn't so mundane..my co-workers weren't so stupid. After my first Rx ran out, I thought nothing of it.  Went about my day.  Noticed that all my aches and pain were intensified and i didn't have the energy to do anything.  Went back to doc..got a bigger Rx with refills.  Two a day wasn't having the same feeling..and so goes the story..got cut off by my regular doc..lied to a new doc..and finally took an MRI and found out that i did have a bulging disc problem..found a specialist and then justified that i can take as many as i want..to the point that if i didn't have it within couple of hours..i will start w/d's. Couldn't sleep thru a night because i wil start having w/d's

[mimi1313]

Several dental surgeries. I always had dental trouble and had a bout a dozen surgeries before I was 8. Then later in life I needed more but since I was older they gave me pain medication. I din;t realize how much I started taking. It just hit me one day that I took 8 of the 7.5 vic's. And I was like wow, that is a lot. I did have bone and infected tissue removed but I liked how it made me feel. Plus I was always shy. But that was my wake up call. I consider myself lucky since it was months not years.

[Need2beClean]

I started the narcs about 2 years ago for a severe back pain that we eventually figured out to be a pinched nerve.  I was taking 1-2 every few hours (5/500 Vics) for about 3 weeks in a row.  Eventually the nerve moved and I felt better but then I went to only 1-2/day for every little ache and pain.  I honestly don't know the point when it went from killing pain to addiction, but Thursday the 15th of this month is the first day in two years that I've not taken any.

I used them to just cope.  Even just going to the store for milk was an excuse to take a pill or five because it was such an "effort" because of all of my "pain".  About 2-3 months ago is when I realized that I wasn't just taking them for the pain, but taking them to cope.  I would take them anytime I left the house and always made sure to have some with me when I went out.  I would panic if I realized (which was always) that I didn't have enough to last me the month to get to my next doctor's appointment and had to come up with every excuse in the book (and then some) as to why I needed them early.  My favorite one was making an appointment for something else about 5-6 days early and saying, "Can we just refill my meds now so I don't have to come in next week?"  They usually complied.

To answer the question, yes, it was initially about pain, then it was just the "feel good" that I got while taking them.

[GoingToMakeIt]

hopsing TMI but too true. Turn about's fair play, yes?

I started due to medical. Several root canals, carpal tunnel, blown out knee, back spasms and bulging discs. But I did like the feeling too. At least for awhile, then it was just to feel normal. Then just to function. It is a downward spiral on these things.

[hopsing94]

LMAO Toxic that is too funny. Funny you say that thou. I know one of the reasons I liked the pills was because of my wife. I was very active sexually and she wasn't. I wanted it all the time. Well she didn't,so when I was on the pills I didn't care anymore. You don't want to do it fine, I'll take a few more pills and I won't care. LOL no the tables have turned. She wants it all the time and I don't LOL  LIfe is funny this way.

[kimmieb]

wow, toxic, you hit that nail right on the head!!!!

to all, have a fun, safe, clean, long holiday weekend :-)

laura, girlfriend, LOVED this post....great idea to start it....just sent you an e-mail as well....hope to talk more this weekend....love ya!

[toxictome]

An unhealthy relationship.........I guess I thought it was easier to numb my feelings than to get out of the realtionship....how F***ed up is that???

Remember...
men are the #1 trigger for relapse in women
and women are the #1 trigger for relapse in men.....

LOL

Have a fun and safe holiday weekend..................

[desperate1111]

Allaboutmary I could of written the exact same thing. i was super woman and then it all came tumbling down. I even take a nap after work now. I don't pluck weeds any more either.

[joann1975]

To add to mine now that I am more awake I am with Rue and have NEVER felt comfortable in my own skin from an early age either. I don't know why...was never left with sitters or anything like that. But I remember depressed feelings at such a young age. Also, like Hopsing said years ago when I was 1st rx'd them and took them at work I was like a super CSR and was on top of my game at work and took tons of calls and helped all our customers etc.... But this time around with the pills it's been a totally different thing. Who knows.

worried...this was a great post idea...thank you!

[rue10]

I have NEVER been comfortable in my own skin from as early as I can remember.  My mother was alone and needed to work and left me with sitters during the week and picked me up on the weekend.  I was mistreated at those sitters--some sexual abuse by the sitters sons included.  I just remember ALWAYS feeling alone.  I did eventually get to be with my Mom every night after work from around age 5 but I've always had sitters that were less than nice.  Then a stepfather.  I ended up with no confidence and the inability to socialize.  But alcohol changed that........it was great to be able to ingest something that made me fun, interesting, outgoing confident.  I eventually stopped drinking for 13 years.  Later due to pain I was given vicodin and percocet and again, this mood altering substance was fantastic.  I immediately began to "chase" the euphoric feelings. I took percs and vics for over 10 years.  Like Hopsing, the last two were downward spiraling.  I no longer felt like superwoman.  I needed to take them just to feel normal.  All my energy, confidence, etc. was gone and I was spending 100s of $ every week to keep myself in that state.

[hopsing94]

It was all about the high for me. I was superman at work. I worked so much harder,faster,friendlier with customers. I was the top dog at work for 3 years. So much so that I had built a reputation for one of the best in Houston at what I do. I had job offers from other dealerships coming in from all over town. Then the last two years I started a decline into an abyss. I soon became very tired all the time,drawn in, mean and irritable. Lazy at work and pretty much worthless. I first started using when I was like 14 yrs old. It was peer pressure at first with pot. That led to coke and X and after that I had quit everything for a long time unitl I found pills. Maybe it was the death of my mother at a young age I don't know. I just know that when I wasn't using I was the happiest.

[allaboutmary]

I also wanted to say...that part of my recovery is accepting my age and my physical limits.  Instead of popping a pill now, I get a heat pack and lay down for a half hour.  I've had to accept that my house won't be immaculate all the time. I don't pull weeds anymore, I use the spray stuff. lol