Couldn't even post on first one. Quitting dope.

[sayl_3m]

I tried quitting the first time, I'm too scared to look at the date on that. I'm down a lot more weight and my circulation is so bad my hands are blue typing this. Today I had to stop. I didn't know I how much I was doing was wrong. I was not only mistaken, I was lying to myself. The pain I am in right now is unreal. Eating again is like teaching myself how a jaw works, it gets sore like legs would after a run after the first bite. I can't eat a portion bigger than half my first. I get sick. It's only been since about a bit before my last quitting. I'm scared. I'm 22. If this keeps on I will die very soon. I'm not ready to die. I need tips, ideas, advice. I don't even want to eat sober because the weight loss feels so amazing. I can't go to a doctor right now or hospital, out of the question. I AM away from meth and unable to get any. Please.. I don't know how to genuinely ask for help right now.. The last bowl I forced myself to smoke and it made me sick. When I can see a doctor I will, until then unattainable and in need of someone who has quit this before to speak to me. Again.. So. Scared. Gotta run hit water on my hands..

[Jerry198]

Glad to see you back I wondered what happened to you hoping for the best!! so you got off the meth and have been clean off everything with the exception of your slip?? that's great considering all the stuff you started with , where did you end up with the father? hopefully getting away from him helped with the sobriety but I have to say getting high to do normal tasks will only end bad the reason being is you will find pleasure in the substance and the brain associates that with the activity and the longer it goes on the harder the pattern is to stop so do yourself a favor an drop your connection or you will slowly fail and I know thats not what you want..

[norcomonster]

Although this website and NA are great, neither will provide the initial intensity and focus you clearly need to get clean. It's like putting neosporin on a bullet wound. I'm not telling you to stop reaching out in these formats - but I encourage you to be honest with yourself and take real steps towards recovery and health.  Everyone is scared of rehab, but it wouldn't exist if it didn't work. At some point you need to realize your value. You're Important.  Just imagine if the way you felt after 1.5 hours of perceived success was a feeling you had at all times.  It seems like unobtainable bull sh*t right now, trust me,many people can relate... BUT, many people here can also relate to that feeling now as a constant. The only way to feel that sense of accomplishment on the regular is to create a new regular. You're the key to that, and I hope that soon you fine the courage and see the value within yourself to seek real help. For me it came down to 5 days in a hospital detox, inpatient rehab, followed by out patient rehab. I will tell you this simple fact: the amount of support you feel here will be met 100 times over in a real human to human setting. You need those people. You need that intensely focused atmosphere. You need that help understanding how to truly love who you are. You clearly don't love yourself on drugs, but that doesn't mean the lovable person is gone... It's right there just beneath the surface. Give her the opportunity.

[sayl_3m]

I have been working on and with NA but last night was my first relapse genuine relapse. But it throw me off that I am still high and I just walked and got a job made breakfast cleaned the house and actually made my boyfriend happy all within an hour and a half. I mean I managed to get a job. I know it gets worse and I am going to stop it is just the initial energy and happy that keeps me wanting more. I've kept track of my heart rate though, it was 180 for two minutes. Initial quit instincts kicked right it. I have none with me or any paraphernalia and no current way to get it. Can initial withdrawals start again after a one night binge relapse?

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl......well as you can see 1 is to many and 1000 is never enough....this is a progressive diease that only gets worst with time if your not up for rehab you can try N/A it has helped me and countless others it is free the meetings are only a hour long and with time you will loose the very desire to get high witch now drives you to use...you dont even have to be clean to go.....you just need the desire to get clean  please use this option if it will work for a old dope fiend like me it will work for anyone...........Gnarly

[sayl_3m]

I just managed to create a new password. I hate my email..

A lot has happened. Physical abuse from said boyfriend only once but enough. Withdrawal from my klonopin so severe my heart rate was unbelievable, and then super mega relapse last night. I never craved it I felt the dependence my body had, but it was a one hit won't hurt kinda thing. 1.5g later here we are. I missed this on top of the world feeling. My heart rate concerns me as it isn't going below 130 even while laying and breathing correctly I just figure it's from the amount ingested. I didn't want to type this but now I feel as if I have let way more than myself down.
It ***** I've gotten more done in the past couple hours than I have in a month, and considering through withdrawals and not drug induced heart palpitations I ewllwws still being torn apart for even bring sleepy, withdrawals and getting three hours of sleep a night while freaking with this abusive thing. I don't know right from wrong anymore but I know I can not get back into this like I was and I'm worried for myself..

[jethro733]

Just some words of support.  I can't say anything that hasn't been said really.  Take care of yourself.  Please do.  It breaks everyone's heart reading this I'm sure I can take the liberty of saying.  No matter how alone you feel God will always love you (or the universe, whichever is your prerogative :), the only thing that judges us is ourselves.  Spirit is unconditional love and love does not judge.  Please know this.  You are worth living.

[VICourageous]

Sending some Prayers YOUR way!!

I agree with the above about staying away from your user friends. Misery loves company. Please seek some kind of Support. Go and see a DR NOW!!!

I am a 50's child and used it all..(not proud but feel dumb) However, this is a Disease which affects the brain and the organs and so forth..I ended up with 2 stents in my Heart and I know it had so much to do with my DOCS which were the ones that kept me going. PLEASE get out while you can. You do not want to wake up one day older and wonder what happen to all those precious years. YOU are young and have so much to look forward too! Seek help it is really worth it to live a nice clean and healthy life.

These types of post really tear me up!
I will be praying for you.

[winthewar]

Hey there Sara glad to see you checked in.  But and I mean this in the nice way you need to get away from those who are feeding you the meth. Is your dad back in your life?  You think no one notices but they notice trust me.  If you could reach out to a women's shelter for help maybe you need some support some in person support.  Your the only one who can make that choice, I hope you choose life.  

[nonights]

Honey I want you to know that you can have a happy life. Bad things have happened to you but you can still have a happy life. But you have to seek some type of face to face help. When abuse happens early in your life it takes hard work and a willingness to do whatever it takes. It is so worth it. To make good come out of my situation I am determined to break the cycle for the next generation. Please seek some face to face help.

[NeverAgain127]

I'm not sure what I can say to you that hasn't been said before honey.

Your brain is not working properly because you are still actively using.   You cannot see this and it is obvious from what you write.   We are trying to help you, but it seems you are just spinning your wheels.    

Please do not take this as harsh, but sweetie, what do you want?  Do you want an end to this madness, this insanity, this pain?  

If the answer is YES, you're going to have to take some advice here and trust that while it is going to feel uncomfortable, it is the right thing to do.  Of course therapy messes with your head...your head is not in a good place, and it can't get better until things change.   Recovery is possible...do you want it?  

[jifmoc]

Your situation is heartbreaking. I hope you write again. I notice you write and then disappear. That is why I ask how can we help you now. What you wrote about psychiatry and NA is completely incorrect. You are justifying staying in your comfort zone and using.

What will you change to get out of this situation?

[refills]

Keep posting. There are no judges here. No one gets help unless you post. You're not alone either. So many people have been where you are right now. So many people make it through to the other side. You are the only one who can say F**k it. I'm going to do this. It's not easy being where you are at and it's not easy getting away from it. I can tell you, you don't want to die. I thought I did at one time, now I realize I want to live. I have cancer that may be spreading through my body and I know as sure as I believe in God, I want to live. Now is the time to ask God for help as I know he will answer you. Take your stand and I'll say a prayer tonight for you. My Best Wishes to You..

[jifmoc]

Hmmm. That didn't make complete sense. Are you high now?

What is it that you are looking for? How can we help you?

[Kristen2015]

glad you came back here.  what did you take to OD on?  i wasn't clear on that.  have you tried to stop the meth?  can you just flush it?   sorry for all the questions.  you need some support from people that don't do drugs and want to save your life.  can your fiance help you?

Please keep us updated.  been worried about you

[sayl_3m]

I am really sorry I an just now posting. I drank and over dosed and had a mini stroke? Apparently serially low blood sugar. So nearly died twice. Scares as hell, and I still can't manage to go to rehab. I feel like life will be the same as before, or worse. I'm literally killing my mother with my problems. One more attempt and I think she's done. I didn't want to die this time. Idk what happened. A little high a lot drunk. I feel like this is just life now. I look back sand it always seemed like a fun thing now it kinda supports me. And getting it for free is like a life style I have no problems maintaining. I'm still the soccer mom of your dreams daily. I've lost a serious amount of weight but people actually don't notice often. I've passed this off for so long, and I never really feel down except for the abuse e and wanting to leave.. I'm not allowed my medication anymore because that was my third attempt and I'm getting more and more afraid because of everything I just typed. I don't feel wrong. Like having a mini stroke and severe low blood sugar at 22 is normal. My hands turn blue, and my thumb cranks very seriously, can't move my fingers, I eat. Now even my fiance thinks I've quit, only my dad knows, and how I'm pretty much high anytime I'm alone hasn't been caught by now I'm nervous of what I could get away with. It's scary when I see how much worse I could get, and how much worse off I am than the first post I made. But I can't even fathom getting help. T therapy, psychiatry, always just ****** with my head. NA? God it's worse for me in there. I just can't even.. I used to tell myself I would never do it alone, that is what junkies do. Now I Wait for the moment u can be alone. It's pathetic. I'm sorry about this rant..

[meegWpaw]

Sayl  I hope you are ok. all good things to you-- Meegan

[Quince30]

This is a very worrying situation.  OP, please get the help you need.  You truly are worth it!

[winthewar]

Prayers her way it breaks my heart to hear stories like this.  I hope she finds a way to happiness and away from the evil.  Ms d thanks for being there for her!

[winthewar]

Prayers her way it breaks my heart to hear stories like this.  I hope she finds a way to happiness and away from the evil.  Ms d thanks for being there for her!

[nonights]

Saying lots of prayers. I hope she has found the strength to live! So young. So much promise. Please lord keep her safe.

[msdelight]

Guys, let's say lots of prayers for this young lady. She pm'd me last night. Her situation is really really bad. She's being abused and she tried to take her life last night. Let's hope and pray she did not succeed. I hope she is safe in a hospital somewhere. God help her.

[Jerry198]

I looked for you everyday since you posted a few weeks back, Many of us have been in your similar situation and made small steps towards recovery only to fall two steps back and give up so your not alone. you seem like you really want help but for some reason are unwilling to seek ER help well at the rate you are going things don't look good at 22 I thought FTW and it took a real good friend to help me out LONG STORY but it was his dedication that saved my life because I did not care anymore I was doing H at the time well let me tell you 30 years later I have done some amazing things I never thought I would ever do when I was high ... you get the picture life is here only once don't waste it get some help because what you are doing is digging for help so put down that wall of yours and get some real help tweakers always think they look amazing because they fit in a size 2 but in reality that's not the case what you are doing is starving and that's not pretty so take everyone advice and make it to 23 clean and sober please..

[Seanimanadict]

I also agree with everyone please go to the e.r. that is nothing to play with its Russian roulette. We are here for you but can't make you do anything. The advice everyone gives is priceless and I haven't read anyone's advice that has been negative yet. Please listen to every one and get the medical attention you need,22 is so young but its also in your favor if you stop immediately and get help. You will most likely bounce back sooner than most. I'm not an expert as is wasn't my doc but yes I have had my fair share if a lot of drugs including meth or crank.  Don't worry about the weight worry about being healthy and getting your real life back together your only 22 and have so much ahead of you. Get clean and who knows maybe you will be able to help someone who was in your position one day on here. Also please stop talking about death that is scary, your not dead but may be possible if you give in I hate to say and there's no coming back from that trip. Sending prayers and strength your way ,Sean

[winthewar]

Yes never again I truly hope so also..she seems very fragile and in a state of meth use which may be why she won't go to hospital.  We are here for you but you have to help yourselve also my dear...please check in let us know how you area