Cravings and obsessive thoughts of using

I have been clean 233 days now. I had kidney stones and many complications during the first week of April and in 3 weeks was admitted to the hospital 5 times. Once the doc went up to break up the stone and he didn't see it so removed the stent. He actually pushed it back into my kidney and the pain was horrific, They sent me home like that I was back in the hospital in 3 hours. The stent also malfunctioned and the doc wouldn't listen. Said the pain was normal and to hang in there. I had so much pain I couldn't walk for 3 days and told him that...finally went to the ER and kidney was swollen and stent clogged. I was in alot of pain and had to take pills. Joe held them but I had to take alot at times for a 3 week period except for 2 days. Some days I only needed 2 depending on all of the complications. I was twilited 3 times and under general anesthesia twice. The had to give me alot of Fentenyl and Dilaudid in the hospital.

I was so worried when I stopped and even thought that I might need to save pills for a small taper. I never want to feel those chills and rls again. It was OK. I felt a little down and out the first day but was so surprised and happy that I was OK. Well after a week of not needing pills I had my stent removed. Twilited and just 4 pills in 1 day. I felt wds although very mild. Since then the cravings and obsession to use have been growing stronger by the day. I am feeling like I'm depressed sometimes and low energy....but not all of the time like in wds. Thing that's strange and worries me is it keeps getting stronger. I'm having alot more trouble coping with things at work...which was big when I used. You never know what this freekin addiction is gonna do. I can feel it trying to get me again.

[dominosarah]

Corey you are stronger than these cravings.  You had to use the pain meds for a very painful medical condition.  Now your brain is playing games with you.  You have 233 days under your belt.  You can do this.  Get your mind busy, get out and get some fresh air and exercise.  Feed your mind and soul all the good things and these cravings will pass.  Am glad you posted.  You dont want to go down that road again.  Keep talking to us......Stay positive and stay strong........sara

[bethinime]

ahh Corey you have been such a rock for me. Please stay strong. You are stronger and better then those cravings. Just think if things are hard to cope with at work now and that was big when you used..then those problems that are now will be even bigger if you start using again. Please stay strong. I am sure I can speak for so many on the board when I say you are such an inspiration so please stay strong, Your better then those pills!

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

You have already paid your dues with this - - sorry to hear of the problems.  Some people maintain that the craving & triggers are actually neurotransmitters trying to fire. As you say "you can feel the addiction trying to get you again" - - fortunately, you are stronger than the addiction.  We already know that.  And as you recognize whats been going on you can deal with it.  This is just a speed bump on your road...................stay strong -

[outotown]

Hey im so sorry you HAD to use some pain meds, it sux being an addict and really needing meds im there and it is so hard not to use when you really need to, you had to,and you know that ,now that you are well, you cant use and you know that too!! stay strong my friend you've come to far to turn back now, were here for you Aaron

[corey411]

Thanks guys, You made me feel better. My family knows about my addiction but they don't understand. I really need you guys when I am going through hurdles. I know how easy relapse can happen.  I don't want to get pulled back into that hole.I took off work today to get my paperwork straightened out. Since all of this happened I am messing up at work. Your right Eagle...I believe it is the neurotransmitters in my brain. They were getting better but not fully. All of those opiates just messed with them and there confused. Try to tell that to your boss lol.
That pressure that everything is piling up and your brain is not working right just makes me go into that kinda trance every once in awhile where my brain thinks of a way to get pills and I start making plans to do it. Fortunatly I've come out of it before I acted. I hate these thoughts. My son stopped getting them. I know the meds I had to take caused this but it's scarry.
Thanks Sara, I'm going to get out of these pjs and do something happy as soon as I finish my paperwork. How about the treadmill with headphones? Better yet outside! Thank you so much for your heartfelt support.
bethinime...I guess I have to stay clean so I can prove to you that this can be done. I'm so proud of you for staying clean for your beautiful family. Please know that it does get better. I felt great before I needed these pills. I will be strong and remember all of your words if it tries to be stronger than me.

[dominosarah]

Music has always been my saving grace.....put those headphones on and put some upbeat kick a$$ music on and get that treadmill movin.  Get your transmittors going the other way.......You can do this.  Keep talking to us.......I am proud of you and the obstacles you have overcome.        sara

[worried878]

coery..u hang in there  k?  member we r sposed to message each other in 2011???  do not forget....i still have those times too...I have had to use after procedures here and there as well due to may f-ed up spine and neck....and also remember everyone gets down sometimes and u have had alot on ur plate..even a non-addict may would feel down and out..it is just that when we feel blue the pills call our name...it may not even be wds or anything to do with the pills u had to take during the painful stuff...and it will pass like it always does..a typical craving lasts less than 15 mintues....how r u feeling now?

[enough170]

i am so sorry you have been in pain corey, you are such a good person, always there when i need picking up, you can beat these cravings, i agree with sara, music always helps me, when i feel down i stick on the ipod, and head out for a long walk.  you can get over this hurdle!!! love and hugs emma xxx

[corey411]

Thanks Aaron, I know that you have chronic pain and I feel for you my friend. I hope that I don't have to use pain meds often as I get on in age.. Thank you for your support.

Sara, I'm getting off the computer, F@ the rest of my paperwork. It's beautiful out and I'm missing the whole day. I'll finish it tonight. Bring on the music:

Worried lol how could I forget our date so soon. Mid May 2011.Want to have 2 years + 233 days and not 20 relapses. Your so right about just being normal stress. I always let them pile it on  me.As I was reading your post, 2 more referrals came over my fax. We were told to prepare for alot of evaluations that will have to be done over the holiday weekend. I'm back to working 12 hour days and feeling like the company is kicking me around.. Might be time to move on.

[SophieShine]

Ooooh Corey, You have helped me soooo much!!! You are not in the NOW!!! Get in it asap hon'. LOL. You have been thru so much already...Get some sun, crank up the music. All my love and hugzzzzz. xoxoxoxo. sophie.

[WDsRawful]

No one would blame you at all if you relapsed or popped a few to get you by after what you've been through.  Having said that, you can do this.  You know you can.  Dig deep.  It's there - the will not to do it - it's definetly there.  Stay strong.  I know this sounds silly but when the cravings are really really strong close your eyes, breathe deep and thank God over and over and over for what he's done for you.  Just say "thank you" "thank you" "thank you" over.  Silly I know, It works though.   Stay strong and God Bless You.

[gizzy32]

Sorry you have been in pain and now going through these cravings. Addictions is a sneaky, hateful disease that will jump on the first chance it gets to take us down, but I know your stronger then it, you have come so far and have always been honest when you had relapsed in the past, but that will not happen again:). What about going back to some N/A meetings or are you still attending? Right now you need all the support you can get and these feelings will pass. When i craved, i also got very depressed and i would just start obsessing about using. We have to change those thought patterns anyway we can and talking about it does wonders. Hang in there and let us know how you are. STAY STRONG!!!

[corey411]

Hey Sophie, Thanks hon, I'm back in the now....for now....Don't know what tomorrow will bring. These feelings keep jumping me. I think it has alot to do with work. I need to create a balance and find more time for me and use it better. I'm waiting for that book you recommended to come in the mail...looking forward to it. Much love to you.

Thanks WDsRawful, sounds like from your name that you've been down a few. Thing is I didn't take any xtra pills. I really didn't feel high. Not iin a good sense. I was in the hospital with a fever and other problems most of the time. The pain that was always still there trumps any high. I like your idea about closing your eyes and thanking God. I have some songs that I play. Mostly George Harrison and they talk me down some. Thanks for your support.

Hi Giz, That's what's happening to me. It's not just cravings but a strong desire comes over me. I'm jumping from feeling OK to depressed and majorly stressed and unable to cope with it all. Sometimes I come home and have to do paperwork until 9:00 and they still complain.I'm getting paid better than I can with other jobs and I need to make the xtra money for awhile. I'm planning to start going to an NA womans group.....funny cause at the meetings I got along with the men mostly better. I'm just hoping that it's just supportive and not die-hard stuff. Thanks for your support.

I walked 3 miles and feel great right now.I drove to a resevior  that people walk at and that has trails and lots of nature. I thought about how Sophie and Lesa take pictures and took my camera. . You really look at things when you want to take pictures. Kinda stop and smell the roses. It was great. I just took my time for me. I loved it. Maybe I should do that after work and before my paperwork. Sounds like a try. I just hope that desire quits visiting me. Well, off to finish paperwork....with a better attitude. Thanks everyone, your support has helped me more than you know. GBU, Corey

[corey411]

Enough, honey thank you too. I didn't see your post up there. See tables turn. Now your helping me. Thanks luv, Corey

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today??

[corey411]

Hi Sara, Thanks so much for thinking of me today. The cravings were not as bad today. They were there but did not grow into plans. Everyone's support meant alot to me and I thought about all of you as I drove around at work today. How could I let you all down after all of your caring. I wish you could print the whole post out ...I'd take it with me and read it as another tool.
I gotta get back to exercising. I'm going to take my dog for a long walk tonight since the other one is not here. (Can't handle both by myself  and can't leave one behind) I'm going to try this women's NA group on Monday. Maybe I can meet some people who will support me even if I don't want to do the program. I did like the meetings most of the time and you do just have to have the desire to stay clean. Thanks Sara and everyone. I don't know what I might have done without you guys.