Cravings are unreal

My cravings are so bad for vic. It's all I can think about. Does that ever get better or am I going to feel like this forever. I'm on day 9 (2 slips) of w/d c/t and I was using for 2-1/2 months 4-5 a day. Before that it was 10 per day for 9 months. Toward the end even though I was taking 10 I could not maintain the level of high functioning I needed so I know it couldn't last therefore stopped while I was ahead of the game. But i really want some but have no access to any. Do the cravings die down?

[beachtowel]

How are you changing your life so that the cravings of addiction can be dealt with in a positive way.......

[dsm3kidz]

any imput on this?

[kyjobr]

the cravings do suck.  What I'm going to do is make a list of all the reasons I want to quit.  I've found that the actual high is not as good as the thought of the high.  Don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else but me.  Hopefully the list will help with the motivation.

[dsm3kidz]

So far just logging in here and flusshing my supply so  have nothing to tempt me. I am a stay-at-home mom so I don't have a way of getting my hands on it. It's just the feelings of craving I hate and scare me.

[dsm3kidz]

[lady_m]

It does get better.  I know I can say that over and over but it doesn't seem like it right now.  I'm on day 7 (right behind you) so I keep telling myself that, too.  Look at how many people around here have weeks...months...etc behind them and say they are happier than ever.  Look at how awesome FLaddict is.  She's got a month behind her and her posts are so inspiring.  But I would bet anything that she felt exactly how we are feeling right now.  Like this is it.  This is as good as it's going to get without the pills.  But it's not.  I promise you that.

You are so right about losing that high and constantly having to up it and continuing the chase.  Pretty soon you're just taking them to feel "normal" or not sick.  If that's why we're taking them, it's not worth it.  We can feel normal and not be sick just by NOT taking them.  Only that way we have a lot more time and money on our hands.  Just like with any other drug, you never get those first highs back.  You keep taking more and more and it's an endless fight.  It's just not worth it.  For something that we think makes us so happy actually makes us pretty damn miserable.  Think of how we're feeling right now.  You know why we're feeling this way?  Because of the pills.  THEY are making us feel this way. We think of all the things we remember it doing - energy, motivation, feeling like it was the only way we could get by.  Well I could easily get by without feeling the way I do right now.  And once I get through this - and you get through this - we won't have to do it again.  There are definitely times I REALLY crave the vic.  But I'm thinking about the boat I'm sitting in right now and I don't want to sit in it one second longer than I have to.  By giving in to that craving I'm just keeping myself here.  It would just keep me moving backwards and having to either start over or be stuck in limbo of never really quitting and having to deal in a blah world all the time.  Either that or becoming a full blown user again which would destroy my life.  I don't like either outcome.  

We can do this.  We all can.  And we all want to - or else we wouldn't be here.  So if you want something - fight for it.  Even when you feel like you can't.  It is during those times you have to fight your hardest.

[pastAndFuture]

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Do the cravings die down?
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Of course they do. It may be that you could use some contact with others that have been in the same situation. It will be extra hard to stop thinking about it if you are by yourself. It's even harder during the early part of recovery. Day 9 is not that long, and is entirely normal to have cravings. I am a firm believer that email and chat is insufficient contact to get anything done for real. It help a lot, but is no substitute for any kind of get together. Look, even if self-help groups and recovery programs are not for you, at least consider going during this time. It will, if nothing else, keep you busy, and safe, while the days add up.

-----------------------p&F

[lady_m]

kyjobr reminded me of something I wrote to remind me of one of the (many) reasons I'm doing this.  I don't know if you saw it, but I posted it on the forum about a week ago.  I actually printed it out for myself and continue to read it.  Every time I read it I know exactly why I can't give into the cravings.  You are a mother so I think you'll understand where I'm coming from.  This is what I wrote (actually from two different posts).

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I was just sitting here second guessing myself about going through this and quitting.  My biggest question was “If taking these pills makes me happy and fun to be around, and a good mother to my kids, what is so wrong with taking them?  They deserve a fun mom who plays games with them and takes them places and is happy.  Why quit?”.

I had to really think about that.  Then I thought back.  Those were only some of the times.  I forgot about all the times I ran out of pills and couldn’t get off the couch.  I forgot about all the times I spent hundreds of dollars at a time buying them off the street.  I forgot about all the times I wasted hours in ERs and doctors offices trying to get pills.  I forgot all the times I screamed at them because I was going through withdrawals and couldn’t get more pills.  I forgot about the last time my daughter stood by the door as I was getting ready to leave wanting to go and me telling her no (because I was going to go buy more pills), only to have her say “oh, do you have to go to the doctor to get medicine so you can get better?” because I had told her that countless times..  Most of all, I forgot how much my children were seeing me do this over and over and not realizing how much they knew – my daughter’s words cut me like a knife.

And there was my answer….

I have chosen to live my life the way I have.  Even my husband has chosen to stay with me and work through this.  But you know who hasn’t had a single choice?  Them.  They haven’t had a choice when it comes to having to live in a world of addiction.  They were just put there.  

I will never take another pill again.  It is just a different way of putting a bullet to my head.  I swear to myself, to everyone here and to God that I will never rob my children of another single second because of my addictions.  I have stolen too much time from them already.  I’ve taken two such innocent and beautiful things and forced them into an ugly evil world.  Never again.  They need their mother, their REAL mother.  And I need my babies, with all my heart.
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I just have to keep reminding myself of that.  Those feelings.  The desire to be everything I can to them - and to myself.  

[kyjobr]

that is so true.......my poor kids have to deal with a mom who can't find the energy to get up and snaps at them when she's high.  It's a toss up between whether I will be in a really good mood or a really bad mood when I'm high.  I wish I could say that my life was great and I was really happy prior to the abuse but it wasn't.  I was depressed before and I guess that's why I enjoyed the pills so much.  So the plan I guess is to get on some anti depressants and quit the vics.  Just typing that sentence made me start to rationalize again.  If anti depressants are ok why aren't vics?  How come some drugs that make you feel different/better are ok but not others?  Of course I know that is like comparing apples and oranges but it just shows how the addicted mind thinks.

[lady_m]

I completely understand what you mean.  I have always had issues with depression (even before the addiction) and thought hey, if I'm happy what's the problem?  I was taking a drug to be able to deal with any situation and be outgoing, funny, etc.  The problem was I wasn't always like that.  Like you I was moody and I had to keep taking more and more as my tolerance grew.  The truth is there is a big difference between taking an antidepressent that helps you with the depression and is safe.  You don't have to take more and more of it and abuse it to keep it working.  It does it's job without putting us through the hell vicodin does.  So to deal with my depression I can take 40mg of Lexapro a day or 30 vicodin.  Once I'm over all this the Lexapro will keep me balanced and for that matter alive.  I'll deal with the depression without killing my liver and myself.  And I won't have the constant roller coasters or live my life chasing my next fix.  I can be honest with my doctor about what I take and not have to worry about buying it on the street or doctor shopping or going broke just to keep enough of a supply.  The list goes on and on.

But like you I have that first instinct to rationalize and make it "ok".  I think a lot of us have done that for a long time.  But over time that type of thinking will change....

[fishmeal]

For me, I had to meet the drug half way..... I couldn't taper to save my life so I went with suboxone.  My life has improved dramatically.
Best
fish

[mom2rachie]

Perhaps you need to treat the mental aspect of this disease as well as the physical.  Quitting is barely a quarter of the battle.  You need to work on staying sober bot just clean.  I suggest NA/AA whatever works for you but if you rest on your laurels and don't treat the other side of addiction, you are sure to relapse.

[dsm3kidz]

Thank you for sharing that with me. It really makes sense that our kids don't deserve this. I want the best for them.