DAMNIT..I slipped..NOW what?

[this_big]

Im SO ashamed to admit this but ,last night I found a 7.5 hydro, snapped it in half and down the hatch it went.WTF?I made it almost 11 days and was feeling DAMN good.Lil' to no cravings,past pretty much all the bad w/ds.Then the day before yesterday I go to my old mans house for lunch(a 7 yr cancer survivor)....Well soon as I walk in the door hes taking his meds.No big deal..The first thing he tells me is he has stopped all of his pain meds because he didnt want to end up like me. I knew he was lying,but to be honest I really didnt want any pills.That felt great to go to his house and not be there for pills.I used to offer to go grocery shopping for him just to get his bank card,and get money for pills.I noticed his lil' med bag was not just lying around.Well it wasnt 15 mins when I noticed in his lil' daily med container in the am and pm slots there were blue pills(10/500 lortab).I couldnt keep my mind off of them.When he was talking to me,it was like I couldnt even hear him.I kept thinking he was tryin to set me up or something..IDK??After almost 4hrs of mind f%$#ing myself.I got the hell outta there.Got in my truck cranked up the radio and after 5-10 mins was fine, and just realized I was going to just have to stay away for a little while longer...

SO I get home.My fiance had just got home and fed the animals(dog,squirrel)And the squirrel (long story.lol)comes running up my leg as it always does,and sits on my shoulder.I go to give my fiance a hug,and shes like what does pockets have?...I'll be a SOB if it wasnt a hydro7.5...Are you kidding me??WTF?...Luckily she was there and flushed it before I cound even THINK about taking it...We kinda laughed it off.No big deal.Seriously... what are the chances???Later that night I couldnt help but thinking about where that little sh!t found it.(I used to hide 10-12 pills from myself for when I ran out,so i'd have at least a days worth to find more)..Well i made it through that night.Woke up yesterday and was fine...Well it came back..I just knew there were 10+pills in this house somwhere..I finally started looking,and needless to say I found one( In her nest box along w/ several other things i'd been looking for..chapstick,matchbook,)..It was a little chewed on the edges,but for the most part whole.I took half right then and half last night around 6.My question is..Will I have to go through the damn w/ds again??I really dont want another one,but cant stop thinking that there are more here SOMEWHERE.I feel like such an idiot!!! 11 freakin days...down the drain...It really didnt do anything for me at all..Now my fiance thinks im sneeking pills..I feel like this whole thing was a test and I FAILED...Imtrying to stay busy but cant stop thinking about it..AARRRGGG

[fallenrainycityangel]

Congrats on the 11 days, you've come further than many have ever made it. You can't give up and give into the cravings inside of you, you can and will beat this.  My old boss used to say about his past of smoking "there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about running to the store for a pack, but I don't because I remember the self hatred, the feeling of being controlled and the B***h it was to stop"

You're making progress, I only hope I can be a strong as you and make it to 11 days when I'm done with my taper!

[handofdoom66]

you fail when you die,until then keep fighting and dont give up. we've all been there .

[HR_PuffnStuff]

ditto all the above but I have to say...I'm a little worried about the squirrel. LOL. Is he the one that chewed on the hydro? Could be he has a little problem, too. :)

[dominosarah]

Dont really have anything else to add so just want to say Congrats on 11 days!!!!   sara

[corey411]

I used to relapse constantly because pills were around me on a regular basis. You can't beat yourself up over this, just move on. I just used to get more mental stuff when that happened because I was so mad at myself for picking up again. I used to get the same way....I would be in someones house and couldn't hear the conversation I was having with them because I saw pills right in front of me and my mind went into chaos.

I used to have a squirrel too. My son found it in the woods after a really bad storm and we really didn't even know what it was. We fed it from a baby bottle and it grew up in like a week. It used to climb up our pants and sit on our shoulder. There really cool to watch. Mine didn't use drugs though lol. Congrats on being clean the 11 days. Forgive yourself and move on. God bless, Corey

[Sunnyd210]

Most everybody has a set back now and again. I have to agree with Giz that sometimes we just have to keep ourselves out of certian situations and it sounds like your dad is a trigger for you. 11 days is AWESOME and you just need to keep plugging along. I think getting off pills or any addiction for that matter is a process it just takes time to see what works for us!!

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

I have to say that the squirrel story should be published somewhere. I will let you know when I figure out where it belongs. I have a few myself I thought about writing up - - but no one would believe they were non-fiction.  Truth can be much stranger.......

You havent done anything that most of us havent done. And you are dealing with it properly. The other meds laying around are hair pin triggers to get you involved again.....not sure about the squirrel? Possibly Satanic!!?!   Just stay out of Parks with large populations of those squirrels - - - -  and have family keep meds out of sight. Out of sight is more out of mind. And you dont need to think of them for awhile. You have done well facing this test by yourself......many would have caved entirely...you are both strong and intelligent....you will be able to do this.....best of luck - - -   eagle

[this_big]

Thanks guys(and girls).Im not giving up.It just stinks.Those first days were SO damn hard,and then I let myself forget that....Beleive me I flipped this house upside down,during those first few days.There CANT be any left here.I actually got rid of all RX bottles in the house on day one cause I kept finding myself going back and looking.Im just so dissapointed in myself.When I went looking for them,I really didnt think I would find anything..I mean REALLY what are the chances??I guess its one squirrel findin another squirrels nuts...lol..I just picked my son up from school(sick),and I have him all this week ,so hopfully,he'll help me keep my mind off this ****.He just cranked up the PS3(game system).Were gonna play this for a couple hours im sure. I feel a little better now.I was just freakin out about the damn w/ds.I think i'm gonna be ok as far as that goes.SO...Hr17 and countin..At least I dont hurt this time....I talked to everyone I was getting them from and asked them not to sell me anymore no matter what.And my fiance called my DR.Im going to call my dad right now and ask him to put everything up when I come over.I think i'll be fine as long as they are not right in front of me,and my damn pets dont try to give me anymore..lol...THX again..i'll keep you all posted

[HelpinUtah]

Gizzy and Cathy are right!  

DO NOT GIVE UP!  You did not fail, you made a mistake and now you just have to fight your mind more and keep yourself in check!  Ask your fiance' to look around the house to find any more pills and throw them away for you. Ask your friend to hide his pills when you come to visit so they are not there in front of you to tempt you!  

I agree - do not beat yourself up.  I know for me if I get discouraged and beat myself up that's when I have the most trouble.  Just stay positive and keep coming here.  And, don't forget you are WORTH it and God loves you and will help you too.

Hugs,
Janet

[gizzy32]

Being around drugs and seeing them is a huge trigger for almost all of us. You did not fail, but you set yourself up for this. Once those thought patterns change and cravings begin you need to learn how to get through them and get EXTRA support. I wish you would have posted this the first night, we could have helped. I went out for a bit this morning to have coffee with a friend and wanted me to go ice fishing. Ice fishing consists of a couple bottles of booze and what else is there to do when you don`t catch much fish, lol. I just got back home and I want to go, but all of a sudden a couple stupid thoughts entered my mind and said to myself it`s ok to get smashed. It`s not cause I will crave coke, i can`t go today:(. My point is we have to protect ourselves and you did not, you let it grow into that obsession.

Do not beat yourself up and I don`t think you will have much wd`s, but the mental part will be tougher now, you just fed your addiction and gave it more power. I hope you learned from this. Get back up and let it go, but make sure you are getting aftercare, wd`s are the easy part. YOU DID NOT FAIL, only if you give up.

[cathy5841]

NO your 11 days are not down the drain.  NOW, you stop...the w/ds wont be your problem now.  the mental part will be hell for a bit, because you reawakened those receptors.  you have to be strong.  are you in any kind of aftercare?  it is vital to long term recovery.  you can do this, bit you have to be strong.