DEATH OF A FRIEND

[intothedarkagain]

I found this website 10 days ago.
I was in the middle of withdrawls and it was a real drag.
Over the course of the last 10 days I have gotten to know a few of you, and for that I am thankful.

This morning I got up and I felt pretty good.
As the day wore on I started to lose focus of the goal and my mind started to slip.
I could hear that faint voice calling.
With every minute it got louder and louder.

There came a point in the day when, if I would have had drugs, I would have taken them...no doubt.
I could already feel my mind starting to draw up plans on how to score.

Then I saw my little brother.
He had came down from Northern Oregon to visit my parents.  
We hung out on the back porch and talked about life.
At the end of the conversation he added,
"Did you know that ________ died." (For the purpose of this post I will call him Matt)
My heart stopped.
I had known matt for a long time.
I had also, in my dealings with narcs, crossed paths with this tormented soul.
He was trying to keep the monster at bay, the same way most of us are.

I heard he called his son and told him he was feeling bad, and needed to go to the hospital, but his son missed the call.
His wife came home and saw he was in bed.
She made dinner and was getting him up to eat when she saw something was wrong.
She tried to wake him, but he was already dead.
We live in a small city, and by all accounts he was a well respected citizen.
The papers were nice and said he died of a heart attack.
I think, because he has a wife and son who still live here.

The news of this rattled me.
Everything just got real.
I do not want to die on the floor of my bathroom.
I will die if I don't stop.
That is not a question.

I can not keep letting this control me.
We can not keep letting this control us.

How sad.
How very sad.

Joshua From Oregon  

[sway1]

sway here, on day 10 right along with you, my heartfelt symathies. i'm not good with death. a close friend of me and my hubby had a bad scare recently while out doing his job as a long haul trucker and now has a colostomy bag that he'll have to wear for 3-4 months. he's 6 or 7 years younger than us. i have already begun taking better care of myself both mentally and physically with trying to stay off opiates. i am going to try to quit smoking now too, in fact i just came from the doctor. it's strange. he was the one prescribing me the drugs and now he is helping me stay off them. it's a fine and delicate thread that holds us to this life and it's a shame when our eyes must be opened by tragedy. please keep posting as you are missed when you don't. like i said before, don't make me come all the way across the country to whip your tail. let's get 11 days, k? peace.   sway

[10356]

I would also like to add my condolences.. I'm very sorry for the loss of a friend and in such a tragic way.. lets all learn something about the life and death struggle that is Drug Addiction... I wish you well on your journey.. lesa

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

I am sorry for your loss.

[scaredmom330]

I am so sorry for your loss, it is a real eye opener. sometimes you just don't realise what you are doing to yourself or your family member when you use. I am so proud of you Joshua, yes you are doing it. one day at a time..keep fighting those urges my friend.
take care

[intothedarkagain]

Thank you so much for you kind words.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I am not the one who lost here.
I can't help but feel so bad for him.
He was just as lost as we all are...he just couldn't find help fast enough.
If anything I am the one who gained from this situation.
Today brought me from wanting to break, to scared straight.
I can't tell you how much I was altered in those 5 seconds as my brother told me.
Everything I knew about his problems, flashed in front of my eyes.
His death helped bold the concept that "this is for real, there is no second change, make it count" in my head.

It is a sad thing to lose someone.
It is sadder to lose someone to such a terrible sickness.
In a way it is way sadder than cancer.
At least cancer isn't voluntary.
When I see someone like my friend kill themselves trying to numb out what they don't want to remember, it breaks my heart.

You all are so great.
I love each and everyone of you.
We are doing it right now.
day 10....clean.
Looking for another.
See you tomorrow.

JOSHUA FROM OREGON

[Holliee]

So sorry to hear about your loss. That was a nice thing that the papers did for his family. Yes it is a smack in face and I want to live also and get old w/ my other half and we are trying have child I am to young to die. Lets all stay strong and do this for ourself and the man that didn't make it to get clean...

[VicAddict26]

It hurts my heart to hear this,, it's these moments when we are scared and weak,, and that demon tempts you with a little relief, but he is only hurting you,,, will the weaknesses we have ever go away?? i hope they get easier if i stick this out...

Love you,
Lisa

[jt808]

hey buddy im so sorry to hear that man i had to go to a funeral the other nite for a 21 yr old kid diff reasons but man it just suxs. and i hop eu stay strong and keep doing what ur doing. i havent heard from ya in a while a few of us were talkn bout ya the other day. well keep ur head up bud and ill be around if u need anythng im at my side job and boooored outa my mind. k josh do what u do and ill talk with ya later

[ejwilson]

Hi Joshua, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your friend. But thankfully your brother got there when he did or you may have listened to that voice. And all the hard work you've gone thru in the last 10 days would be for nothing. Keep reading and posting here. There are many posts of hard working people on here to help you. Everyday will get better. And it's good you have family around too that makes a big difference. Take care.  elaine

[cathy5841]

i too am sorry to hear of your friend.  that should really motivate you to keep moving forward and beat this demon.  you are doing this...just keep moving forward.

[dominosarah]

I am really sorry to hear about your friend.  This is the reality of this addiction.  May you find some comfort in this tragedy.         sara