DENIAL AT WORK..AN UPDATE

[corey411]

As alot of you know I came onto this forum 2 weeks ago while beginning one of many wds from Vics. I posted everyday and despite the help of so many of you got more pills from work on the end of day 6 from temptation and poor will . This was Friday and I posted since I only got 10 and already took 3 I was not even going to fight with myself and try to flush...just take 3 Sat and Sun...would have a better Easter and didn't want to be jittery..after all I wouldn't have bad wd just jitters and would taper for mental ease.( I was sick as a dog all 3 days) Monday I got 16 Percs and said i knew I needed to get a new job where I'm not around pills to end this- and was only taking 1-3xaday to help with the rest of the week.( This is the first I've been able to hold onto pills and only do small amounts so that is 1 progression) Anyway all week I've been anxious over finding a new job quick. Im going on vacation in 4 weeks and thoughts like...well your doing good just taking 3..who says you can't mentally taper?? If I could get enough to make it to the end of April I will have 10 days off work.....but what if it takes a few months to find a new job?? I can just keep takin 2-3 pills a day to "mentally taper"...for months. I would be using 10 a day by next week if I didn't catch this.These thoughts are so suttle that they go unheard most of the time. I really believe I started hearing that unconcious devil with my full ears and mind somehow this week. How do we bullcrap ourselves like this. I have 2 Percs left and I'm going to try not to need them to work 1/2 day tomorrow. I'm planning to use only if I have some physical symptoms to wean from 1/2 at a time. One of my goals is to flush the last one...you know the last one that really won't matter. I know day 1-6 won't be as though i didn't relapse but I won't be as bad as 2 weeks ago. I feel as though I'm looking forward to it in a strange sort of way. IEven though I messed up and started using again I think I gained alot of insight that will be helpful to me as I travel this road yet again. I made it through my friends funeral wo taking any 4 hrs. before going. I was listening to a Buddhist book on CD while I was driving for work and its about how we get hooked(not in particular to drugs but anything like anger, ect).

She used the analagy of being a child with scabies...we keep itching them and they get worse. When we go see the doctor and he tells us..you have scabies and scabies itch..If you scratch them they will get worse and worse ..they will bleed and you will suffer. You have to learn to live with the feelling...the itch.. and learn to be strong and not to scratch it for it to ever get better. At first resisting the urge to scratch is merciless...we think maybe we can just scratch a little or scratch lightly for "temporary relief of the pain"......Isn't that what that one pill does...This never works . We just make the urge to scratch stronger. We give it strength everytime we give in. I need to learn to live with my itch and not fight it anymore... Aknowkege and accept it as a part of me. That way I'll be OK with the feeling and learn how not to scratch and make me suffer.

[usarmymedic1]

corey I know it won't take you months to find a new job trust me it won't.. took me a few weeks at the most.

[enemy48]

Hi Corey~

The plan of action to seperate yourself from the job is probably the most rewarding decision you'll ever have to make.

Sometimes it does take awhile to find a new job.  I don't know what you do, but can't you start sending out resumes now and schedule interviews at lunch or after 5:00?  Businesses understand when people cannot take time out here and there for interviews.

[cathy5841]

corey hun, you can do this.  you do posess the strength deep within you.  the key is digging deep enough to find it.  and sometimes there is a lot of muck and mire to dig through.  search your soul and find the reasons you use and deal with them,  once and for all.  dig deep and you can win.  i am here if you need to talk or need any help
many prayers
cathy

[usarmymedic1]

go to my journal and red the words of wisom by Daisaku Ikeda good stuff in there

[usarmymedic1]

think about this

Often the biggest obstacle in meeting life's challenges is actually our own fear of failure. But it is not failure that we should fear. The only real failure comes when we allow our fear to prevent us from taking on new and unknown challenges.

Just about every important figure in history has in fact lived a life marked by one mishap after another. But these individuals rose up again after every setback, prodded on by a spirit that refuses to concede defeat and relishes challenge, to eventually crown their lives with victory.

Even if you have problems, even if you have done things you regret, or have made mistakes, your whole future still lies ahead of you. If you can just keep moving forward, telling yourself, "I'll start from today," "I'll start afresh from now, from this moment," then a whole new world of possibilities will open up before you.

[confused456]

I am glad to hear that you have hopes in flushing at least one of the two pills. That will prove a lot to yourself. You will have the feeling of accomplishment, or at least I did when I flushed a LOT of them. Glad you are setting your new plan into motion and getting back on track! Life free of these demons really is a good life, even with all the BS and headaches of everyday life, it is so much nicer to have control in it. Best of luck to you! I am here if ya need!!