DO YOU THINK THIS IS TRUE?

[beenthere2]

I have recently read a great book titled "Junkie:  Confessions of an Unredeemed Drug Addict" by William Lee (aka William Burroughs).  The book was written in 1953, however sadly, the subject matter is timeless.

The main character is wealthy and develops a tremendous heroin habit.  But his take on it is what really struck me.  He states:  "Junk (drugs) wins by default.  You become a narcotics addict because you don't have strong motivations in any other direction."  For Bill (the main character, the great irony is that he gains the motivation, the need for money, only after he becomes a junkie.

So do you think this has merit?  Have you examined the motivations in your life?  Is there a link between boredom, ennui and addiction?  Personally, I can see the correlation.

[Rex1]

So there may be some truth to this, but I think more people are not in this category than are in it.

Most people likely had some sort of pain, went to their general doc, who then, rather than spending the 30 minutes we all know they don't have diagnosing the problem, they wrote out a script and WHAM! it worked - the pain was gone. for a while....

Then the "machine" took over. For me the machine went something like this "Hey this stuff works on more than just physical pain! Boredom, Fatigue, headaches, anxiety - it's a miracle drug. More must work better than less!"

At that point, if you have the right gene combo, you have just checked into the Hotel California, and as you know, you can check out any time you like, but.....you can never leave!

If there is truth to this article/story, then perhaps part of getting out is figuring out what got you in and then fixing that either first or along the way to the exit.

Rex

[Rex1]

Thinking about you today and praying as well.

Two things in my life are absolutely true.

1) God has ALWAYS answered my reasonable prayers
2) He has NEVER done it in the timeframe I originally asked for

How are you?

Rex

[Rex1]

So, for all who accepted the challenge, and have stuck to your schedule - congratulations! Your first week is complete!

It is extremely important for you to look at your dosage today and compare it with a week ago. If you stuck with your first week schedule, you are winning. Follow the same plan, and you will be to zero in no time!

FOr those who are ahead, adjust your schedule accordingly, and see if you can complete your arrival at zero sooner than expected.

For those who may not have stuck to it, start over this week. There is still plenty of time.

To all - let's use the new year as the resolution to end all resolutions.

Jan 1st - we arrive at zero together - no matter what! Do anything it takes to make that happen. Do not throw things,inlcuding family members or pets, or break large pieces of furniture, but maintain a positive perspective.

There are so many veterans on this board who have used this method and have succeeded. This is why I thought the challenge concept would work, it has a proven track record...

Finally, if you accepted the challenge, please report your status in this thread..........

Rex

[hippy]

.i can relate,  being a junke at 19 i worked 50 hours a week,
i stole cars on the side, and was a a copman.( ps. a nice way of saying drugdealer the thought sickens me.
in the next 5 years of my life i lived 20 years worth of life
on the very edge.
at twenty four i had 3 choices go to jail for ever,
blow your brains out or get clean and get as far away from the
sreets as you can.
sounds like a good book.
there is one about an addict getting clean. its called
saint mary blue by barry longyear

[Rex1]

Hey man, where you been?

Thanks for all of your help during my first week or two! (I am on day 15, hating my body and wishing I could excise my entire back from the rest of my body)  - othwerwise, life is but a dream........;-0

I owe you.......

Rex

[hippy]

day 15 very nice. freedom is a nector from the god's

peace!!!!!!!!!

[diso]

Hey Rex, just wanted to throw out my own congrats--15 days--outstanding!!  Today is day 29 for me.  The bad days have become increasingly infrequent.  My body is getting back to normal. My energy is increasing and the pain is dissipating. I can sleep.  The fog in my head is clearing.  Life is good.  I got a little discouraged around day 15 because I still felt shitty.  Around day 18 I really turned a corner.  I still have my moments but it is easy to see past them now because the good days definitely outweigh the bad ones.

Keep up the fight.  You are far past the worst physical part.  Take one day at a time and realize that each day it does get better.  I have found that finding activities to keep me busy has been great for me both physically and mentally.  I try to wear myself out during the days so that I can rest at night.  Also, when I am busy I can't dwell on the pills.

I recently heard something from a friend.  Pain pills by their nature take away pain.  Without pain one cannot experience joy.  I could experience euphoria when high on the pills but not true joy.  As I have got off the pills my pain in my back (and my whole body) has returned.  Now that I feel pain again, I have begun to reexperience joy.  That is what is so cool about being clean--I now actually feel joy.

[Rex1]

Rex

[Rex1]

Thank you.

Hippee, man, when I hear "peace" from someone named hippee, it takes me back to the 70s in Miami, where I can still smell the aroma from the hippees at the park across the street (real, live, true, authentic, hippees), I can hear the Doobie Brothers singin "Oh black water, keep on rollin, mississippee moon won't ya keep on shining on me......." The Dolphins were 17-0, summer has just started, the sun is shining, south beach is waiting, girls are pretty and tanned, and life is but a dream....

Today, my back hurts, I supporting 5 people in Southern California, my job is hell, and I got a two hour round trip commute"

thanks for cheering me up.

It could be worse - I could think that rap music is actual music by real musicians, and enjoy listening to it.

A famous line direct from the 70's (ya gotta picture a hippee standing there with the long hair and long mustache with a harley in the background and a doobie in his hand)

"Do unto others - then split!"

peace back at ya...

Rex

[hippy]

answering your question , from early
i have been working a lot, we just got a 10 in snowfall
more work.
i love miami, in jan or feb or march.
it's 18 degrees here.
this is philly  south street where all the hippies meet.

count your blessings , and focous on the positive.
remember the things normal people do for pain like
a hot bath , ice, tylonol extra strength. and  my fav
strecthing a little yoga. lay on your back lift one leg up
hold 8 seconds , lift next leg same thing.
lay on your back knees up , knees to the right side down
stretch arms left.
then the other way.
those two took back pain i had for 2 years away.

pax'''''''''

[southernbelle]

thanks for checking in on me.  right now i'm trying to adjust to this medication.  i'm truly depressed, so i feel like i'm doing the right thing.  i see the psychiatrist again tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.  i got a lot done at work today, tried to stay focused.  the thought just keeps running through my head "what's the use, what's the big deal?"  basically, it all boils down to me feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.  how do you work , have a career, raise good kids, be a great wife, manage your pain, manage to not be stressed?  i feel like i'm just fading away or something.  nothing of the old me is around.  nothing.  i'm just blue right now.  i'm sure i'll snap put of it. my biggest fear is ending up/being like my mom.  oh goash, if that happens.....i remember so many problems when i was young....suicide attempts, electric shock therapy.  it was pretty rough.
BUT I am trying to stay positive, or at least mellow. if a pill helps ease my pain and help my mindset at the same time, then why is it so bad????

[southernbelle]

my mom's the one who attempted suicide and had EST , not me, didn't want you to misunderstand that.  i just don't want to end up liker her.  it's a constant fear i have.  she made our life pretty hard when we were young.

[hippy]

hey belle i hope your doing ok, my prayers are with you.
everything take time, stay on the positive tract
it will get better, your doing your best.
thats our job , to do our best god does the rest.
sometimes we try tyo do the rest, and thats not our job.
sometimes our best is not so great, we just have to keep moving in the right direction. small steps in the right direction
will get where we need to get too.
so take it light.
one of our biggest problems is we focous to much on ourselves,
we judge ourselves to harshly , we need to get our foucous off ourselves and on
our higher power,

peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lisabet]

Hey Rex - Miami '72 - perfect season!!! Love those Dolphins, although they haven't done anything astounding since!...smile.  for your info - started the tapering - plus no Jack Daniels; had a little "slip" for a few days during Thanksgiving, but then got back on track.  Got news today that I was laid off from my job; feel so wiped out emotionally, but I'm still trying to keep the hydros to a minimum.  I actually scared myself today coming home on the interstate; thought it would be so easy to just "slide" into one of the many tractor trailors; I've never had thoughts like that before, and it really frightened me because for a half second I actually considered it. Only the thought of my son jolted me back to reality.  Some days life just seems too hard. Hope you're doing well.  Love/Peace, Lisabet

[Rex1]

I know those thoughts you are referring to, but you're not really considering these seriously, are you?

As hippee says, just keep moving forward Ok, and look at your lower dose compared with last week.

Post if you need support...I'll be praying for you...

Rex

(If you are interested, I will be happy to tell you more about something that will help you, but it really involves looking past this life, and to the life God has planned.Not everyone here believes in that, but I do and always have, so if your interested, just ask. Hint: This life is just a drop in the bucket of eternity, and God has everyone's life planned out if we just ask....)

[Jennibean]

You mentioned in a post that hydrocodone in high doses can cause Heart attack and stroke? Would this then also apply to oxycodone and where did you get this information. I have never heard either of those things. I would like to read about that somewhere as you said it could be quite motivating reading. For the most part my Dr's have said that oxycodone is alot safer than teh tylenol that is added to most opiates. Mine doesn't have any tylenol it is straight oxycodone in liquid form. I am starting a taper, started today but woudl love to read some of that scary stuff to keep me going in the right direction. Also you are quite motivating yourself, good luck to you!

Jennifer

[groovygirl]

I am searching (desperately) for a faith I can believe in...how did you come by what you now believe?  I feel like the only way it will happen for me is to get struck by lightning or something.  Like I said in another post, you can't just make up your mind to believe in God...right? Have you been born again?

[groovygirl]

Hi - I haven't really been following your progress...are you totally clean right now?  Is that what is causing the extreme depression?  I know all about depression...I feel like if I could only just get back to where I was before I started with the drugs I could be happy.  I didn't think I was happy then...I've always struggled with depression.  In retrospect, those were the happiest times for me.  Happy pills (Zoloft and the like) don't seem to work for me...I wonder why.  I've been trying different ones since my early 20's, and nothing has really worked.  There are some that I haven't tried that cause you to gain weight, so I've always said no thank you.  That is another issue for me...I've always been thin, but I have a fear of being overweight.  I'm one messed up girl...sometimes I say "why bother" too...if I didn't have my family, I might not be here right now.

[Bodymechanic]

Since you have started to do step work, look at first part of step twelve. It says "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps" It means that if you work the steps you will have a spirital awakening. Also, I hate to sound like a crazy person but, the god spirit is already in you. It is you that have totally supressed it by ego and pride. This is not my personal judgement on you, just the rules of the game.

Once you get into the principles of the 12 step programs you will realize that it is no different than the basic premises of all major religions. Much of the AA program was taken from the bible, Mathew, Sermon on the Mount.  You might want to read the book Sermon on the Mount by Emmit Fox.  Drugs or no drugs, it changed my life.

[southernbelle]

i'm clean right now, even though life sucks.  i am taking prozac and a couple of other things my psychiatrist prescribed, nothing narcotic.  but i feel like ****.  i can't stand things right now. you sounded a little like me in your post....love to you.  i'm sure things will get better for us.  God knows they have to.  LOVE to you!

[Bodymechanic]

I can relate to what you are both saying about being depressed.  I have been that way my whole life, long before I started using drugs for it. I remember being 9yr old with severe neck pain and an irrespressable fear that I was going to die at any minute. Those are not normal thoughts for a 9yr raised in a good home. My parents knew something was wrong, they just did not know what to do about it. Neither did the doctors that they brought me to see. Nearly forty years later it it is still pretty much the same story.

The question for me and possibly for both of you is not; How are we going to get clean? But rather; What type of drugs are we going to take and how can we take them responsibly?  I am taking buprenorphine right now and I feel normal. Not great and not at all high, but it is as if the fog has lifted from my head. I have never felt normal before, drugs or no drugs. Even after being clean for years I was like the walking dead. No emotions, little joy only pain, anziety and depression.  

To stay "clean" before meant taking 2 types of antidepresants, an anti anziety medication, something to make me sleep and then something like vioox for pain. These medications are every bit as addicting as buprenorphine if not worse. If you don't believe me, try kicking a paxil "habit".What I am saying is that if my life is better only taking one medication, buprenorphine instead of than four, why should I fight it.  So then we are left with the issue of abusing it. I don't in my head see this as being much different than the challange of total abstenence. All the same rules apply except that after the morning dose (I only take it once a day) you are done till the next morning.  If I have to have my wife lock it up till the next morning, I will do that. If it means going a monitored program (if we ever get some). I will do that (assuming it is much less restrictive than methadone).

I am rambling but what I mean is, don't stop until you find what works for you.  That may be total abstenence or it may mean using the right drug with the right monitoring.  There is an answer out there for people like us. Let's not give up until we find it. Above all we are not freaks, dope fiends or hypocondriacs.  We just have a problem that is poorly understood and charged with negative emotion.

[FINISHED?]

Belle,
  I feel your pain. I have been there myself but it was over 120 days ago. The difference between myself & you is that I was too "proud" to express my true feelings. I want you to remember this even though it's been said a hundred time or so before: IT WILL GET BETTER!!! Now the question I know that you probably just said aloud is, "WHEN?" I can't answer that. We're all different. Myself, I'm a strong believer in mind over matter & although I'm not very spiritual, I talk to the stars at night. When I felt depressed, I'd walk my sorry little butt outside & look at the "happy" people around me & say that'll be me in a few more weeks. Happy & most importantly...CLEAN. The world is at your fingertips right now. Reach out & grab yourself a little piece every single day you stay clean. I can go out right now & fill one of the many open Vicodin ES scripts I have in my wallet but to do that would be throwing whatever chunk of life I've reclaimed. I'm a 29 year old man that asked myself the same exact questions you've asked here; "If a pill makes me feel good, whats the big deal?" The big deal is that pills mask every asset of your life. We are meant to feel pain & sorrow just as we are meant to feel joy & happiness. Yours is going to seem magnified a thousand times for a little while. I remember sitting on the couch & crying during a frickin cookie commercial. I said to myself; "I'm a 29 yr old man, 6'4" & 230 pounds of solid muscle & I'm crying over cookie dough!!!" It got better with time. Get yourself busy. Write your feelings so you can look back in 120 or so days & think; "WOW...I was a mess but look how far I've come." You hang in there Belle...If I can do it...so can you!!! I have strong faith in that because you have taken a far better route than I did in posting every true feeling & emotion you are experiencing & taking what steps you need to for your emotional health. The people here truly care about you, your recovery & your well-being. Look to the more established members such as The Bodymechanic, Mariposa2, Rex1 etc. for help. They care. Do not keep entertaining the question; "If a damn pill makes me feel good, then whats the big deal?" That's just as dangerous as saying; "If I love the taste of gun metal, why not put one in my mouth?" Please stay on the right path. Use our strength & experience to remind you that there is a beautiful world out there waiting for you to join Her.

[southernbelle]

i wanted to say thanks to everybody for everything.  i've just been a wreck lately.  something happened to me today, though.  it will be interesting to see how things go after this.
i left my desk at lunch to drive down the street to grab some lunch.  i was just going to pick up something and go back to the office.  i needed to leave my desk for a minute.  while driving down the road, my cell phone rang.  my cell phone was in my purse.  i started fumbling for my cell phone, and before i knew it, my jeep was wrapped around a telephone pole.  i don't know what happened.  it happened so fast.  i just now got home from the hospital.  nothing is broken, just severe whiplash/neck strain and a sprained ankle.  i am okay, everything is okay.  the doc at the hospital gave me tylox for pain, 600 mg ibuprofen and soma.  if i hadn't had my seat belt on, i would be dead or at least seriously injured.  i'm in shock.  this has been the craziest time of my life....what the hell is going on?  fate is trying to tell me something, i suppose.  inside, i feel crazier than ever..how is this supposed to fit into everything?  what should i do about the tylox?  i've taken one....i'll be careful NOT to abuse, guys, you have my word.  but i'm a mess right now.  anybody have any words of support or wisdom?  i feel thankful that i'm okay.....but i'm worried now about having new ailments to worry about.  oh gosh, this is all too much for me to take.  i'm going to call my psychiatrist.

[Rex1]

Sorry I couldn't post earlier on your God question.

Yes I am born again, and I won't pretend to have all the answers, OK? I know the essential stuff though as many here do.

*** Warning to those offended by Christianity talk - stop reading here ****

What has happened today to God is what has happended to everything - the word God has become highly generic - it has different meanings for different people, like Christmas has been changed to Happy Holidays and the term b.c. (before Christ) is being changed in the text books to b.c.e. (before common era).

However, there ARE absolutes. For example, there are over 1000 orginal manuscripts, in original Greek or Aramaic, that speak of a man named Jesus, who claimed to be the Son of God. Now either Jesus was a madman, or he was who He claimed to be.

Every single prophecy predicted in the Old Testament about the coming of the Messiah was fulfilled by Jesus, and was widely documented. Little things like riding into town on a donkey, big things like appearing to over 500 witnesses after His ressurection.

Now, if you are still with me - this is what I believe in - the Gospel. It is simply the death, burial, and resurrection of the Son of God as a payment for our shortcomings as humans. just read the famous John 3:16.

It is so clear in the Bible that in fact that is ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK to receive this gift and put your trust in Him, and you are born again. You must be sincere, I believe, but to answer your question - yes, you can just ask.

Now, there is a whole section at any Barnes and Noble or Borders written by sceptics with titles like "In search of Jesus" or the like. These guys went out to discredit the fact that a man named Jesus once lived and was the Son of God. Guess what the conclusions of the books are? I believe. Because they all uncovered the wealth of irrefutable facts out there (in original the manuscripts) about His life.

Stop in to any Calvary Chapel, or any Christian Church and talk to a pastor. Or read the New Testament as a way to take your mind off of the drugs. Or ask me, heck I can talk about Jesus all day.

God, specifically Jesus, is my strength, and the most amazing thing is, according to the Bible he knows me and you, knows everything including each hair on our heads, knows everything. And he still loves us! I have rejected that Love at times because I was busy drinking (7 years ago) or doing drugs (16 days ago). Yet, he promises to forgive and help us back up.

Finally, I would say this concerning God. The main thing that i have learned sinced reading the Bible and attending Calvary Chapel is that I try to do things myself and fail everytime.

I need to learn to rely on Him. In other words, the less I do, the less HE will have to undo.

.

Millions upon millions believe in Jesus but you would never know that through the media. The media wants you to believe that man is good and man can do all things on his own. This forum proves otherwise.

If you want more info - email me at ***@****

Rex

[Rex1]

Well, I am glad you're OK.

This happened to me three years ago - I mean everything just happened at once.

Someone is getting your attention.

SB, you have so much happening at once - just try and prioritize Ok. Deal with item 1 first, and don't move on to Item 2 until you deal with item 1.

Seek the help and support from your family at a time like this. Tell them what is going on, let them help.

Thank God you weren't seriously hurt.

You should be in for some good times after this year - you made it through to this point.

I will be back on the board later and will check in.

Good idea to call the phsyc.

Rex

[southernbelle]

thank you.  i'll keep you posted.  this place has become my release.  when my sister was bringing me home tonite, i was thinking how i couldn't wait to get online and get here so i could tell you guys.  thank you.

[hippy]

your above post was great.

peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hippy]

faith comes from hearing
peace!!!

[Rex1]

How ya doin today?

I know these are getting old but....

It could be worse! What if all this happened during the disco era? Then you would have all of this PLUS...

Shake shake shake, du du du du du, Shake shake shake, du du du du du, shake your booty, du nu shake your booty. Now that's pain!!;0

(Wait a minute I know that song way to good. It think it may be some sort of Virus)

Look, this may be an insult to you and if so, I am sorry. But laugh if you can after you cry. you're here, you still standing, you made it, and that which does not kill you makes you stronger. This too shall pass. You have showed tremendous courage and resiliency, which after this has passed, you will think of as a time where you, the real you, came out, kicked ass, fought like hell, and won. And you were better because of it.

You are much stronger than I could ever be given what's happened. But that's in the rearview now, OK. Disapperaing quickly and out of sight.

God's grace to you during this tough time.

Rex

[southernbelle]

thanks so much for thinking about me.  i'm thankful you've remembered me over the last few days....
what can i say?  if i wanted to lie, i'd say things are okay and that i'm getting there, and that i know it will all be okay.  i TRULY believe in that for other people, and can offer that assistance to others.  but right now, as for ME, things are a little too crazy.  i'm mad, sad, pissed off, blue and eveything all at the same time.  you said you had been there, too, so i hope you understand what i'm saying.  i think i may have suppressed alot of things in my life up until now ---- now it's coming out and it's time to come to grips with alot of things.  i'm just glad for you and this place, that somebody is listening.  i sprained my ankle in the wreck yesterday and it is really hurting.  i'm going to try to go in to work tomorrow, i think that will help.  i'll just be on crutches and will have to sit at my desk all day, or i may go in and grab some things and work here at home.  it's hard to do human resources work from your home, though, so we'll see.  anyway, thank SO MUCH for caring.  you'll never know how much it means to me.

[Rex1]

How're things going today?

Rex

[saveyourself]

Thanks for comments to one of my first posts. Day 7 today, vitamins only.  That thomas recipe really helped.  I do feel so weak and lethargic, still made it to an NA meeting today. I will just be glad when a month goes by for the physical relief.

I have been reading a lot of posts for the last hour. They give hope and gratitude. I came across your post with the Jesus warning.  You are so on the money of the truth of Christ.  I have gone to Calvary Chapel in Las Vegas, Spring Valley for the last 12 years.  It took me some time to know the truth.  I felt it in my heart, but intellectually, how could this age old story be true. I did a lot of reading, Evidence that demands a verdict by Josh Mc Dowell and many others books. Thats when I became convinced. So many men that are smarter than I who set out to disprove the diety of Christ, after compling all the facts became Christians themselves.

Fortunately, I qualify for who he came for. I was such a self centered,selfish sinner.  I am a much better man now, yet still falter. I still am amazed at the power of Grace.  Romans and Eccliastes sum my life up.  Thanks again for giving your time to people who are hurting.

[Rex1]

Yes, my pastor has been saying something to me for a long time, and I never really thought about it this way before.  He says:

"Being a good person, abiding by the law set forth in the Bible, living up to God's standards, is not difficult -- it's not hard!  It's impossible...

Rest in Him. That's so hard for me to do because I am one of these type A personalities, used to busting down doors that are in front of me, hurdling barriers, etc.

I have learned though that the less I do, the less God will have to undo.

Good luck with your plans here on this forum...

Rex

[Recopiateaddict]

First, let me say that I am so glad that you are okay after your car wreck.  Like Rex said what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.  I just wanted to let you know I too have been in your same position where you feel "snake bit" and not only nothing can go your way, but it never seems to stop.  I am still working very hard with my psychiatrist to get over this. For example, in the past year I have been hospitalized 5 times two weeks at a time for a chronic illness that I was diagnosed with 2 years ago and from then on I feel that nothing can go my way.  But, now that I have gotten clean and tried to look at life as optimistically as I can I am slowly, but surely coming out of my "snake bit" feeling which has fed my depression for so long, ESPECIALLY after I got clean (2 months). After I got clean I felt that it would be all up hill from here, boy was I wrong!  In the past 2 months I have managed to be mugged twice, both times causing severe pain, which I can't take any opiate pain medications due to my recovering addiction and I can't take NSAIDS b/c of my disease. I've been in severe clinical depression, contemplated suicide, had a close friend commit suicide, and have had to deal with some very tough child hood issues (molestation) and I am only 20 years old.  But, like everyone else has said it WILL get better and hang in there.  Last, I would just like to say that I am new to this web site and I also feel that this is awesome and is much better then most of the NA meetings I have attended.  My prayers are with you and I know you will pull through these hard times.  It seems that everyone on this site has there on unique way of dealing with the mental pain that comes with your sobriety, but trust me you will see down the line that this has truly made you a stronger person!  Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!

PS: I noticed your screen name was southern belle, I am from Louisiana, what state are you from if you don't mind me asking?