DRUGS HEROIN COCAINE

[stilltrying1965]

My name is James some of you know me well i was a 13 year heroin addict started to c/t and got a lot of clean time behind me now well me and my wife beat the heroin Kim is doing awesome and im proud of her but me not so good a was down deppressed and a so called freind came to see me he was not into drugs or so i thought he knew how down i was and offered me some coke like the addict i am a had a few lines and felt so happy even Kim was like are you ok james i said yes i think my deppression is lifting but i had lied so it started with wee bits now dont no what to do a will pay this debt with my life and  i would just like to say how easy it is to fall into the trap i cant eat for the worry and a just think the world would be a better place without me a thought heroin was bad but coke is more mental thing and its playing tricks with my mind and can coming of coke make you see things that are not there ie as in writing on bits of paper im convinced i can see them. They arent big sentences or anything they are just very lightly small words that i think i can see but no one else can. I actually take a pen and write over them, they are the same names all the time that i see over and over again. Can cocaine cause this as they are small words (names) that make me very paranoid James

[dominosarah]

This is great news James!!!  Am so glad you made that appt.          sara

[narla]

This will be the first step in a new life-I know it will be hard but you can do it,You have to do it you'll never come to terms with what happened without counselling-Good Luck  I'll be thinking of you  Hugs  Denise

[stilltrying1965]

Well iv took my first big step to my recovery i go see my counciler next week i just hope i can get it all out wish me luck please this is my first step to raising that 12 year old boy james and i will have to let it all out witch will be hard at times james

[10356]

I'm very proud of you James..

[stilltrying1965]

avis im really sorry i have no words to say how sorry i am i will get my life back i have made the appointment to see a counciler i had to let you know on the forum why drugs came into my life from now on this is about my recovery kim is going strong and im proud of her for that but it must be about me now i know you only want me to get my life back you are all so kind and very helpful and i am so sorry for what happend in your life you have all been there for me and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart i have stopped feeling sorry for myself you were right it only gave me an excuse to use drugs well no more or i will lose everything i love in my life thank you for not being offended and i think kim is going to pm you tonight there is a song i know by the verve called the drugs dont work how right he was they dont work for me not anymore avis

[dominosarah]

You dont have to live the victim anymore James.  That is what we are trying to tell you here..............

[avisg]

James you did not offend me. I know what you have been threw was horrible .I could tell you some stories about my childhood that would turn your stomach as well .I let it destroy my life for years I never finished anything I ruined every relationship I had used drugs .There came a time when when I realized I had a choice I was going to contue to let these people (in my case there were more then one ) or I was going to stop letting the victimize me .Therapy is so important too get over this like this .So what I was trying to say is you can take back your life because if you dont its going to take what you have left and what you love the most .I hope I explained myself better.I just want you to get clean and live your life happy.:)
xxxxooooo

[stilltrying1965]

i did not mean to offend avis but these people are pedophiles they are not people or persons it was so hard for me to say this on the forum but if i want to heel the truth is were i must start i have to tell it from the begining why i used drugs and i did that Gizzy and it was so hard i thought that if i did not say why i used then i would never be able to recover avis i am really sorry please except my apoligy you have been there for me on many occasions James

[gizzy32]

James I am so sorry you went through this, it's not right or fair. I think what avis meant was it's your choice to get some help for this and to become happy again. That's all we want to see and it's heartbreaking to us, when someone is hurting. Don't give up and talk to someone, your a good guy that has been to hell and back, but can work your way through, but you can't alone. Be strong James and when we are ready to quit and heal, I agree with avis, there are no excuses. I am deeply sorry for all that you have endured, we are here for you:)

[stilltrying1965]

avsg you called the ******* that sodimised a 12 year old boy a person im 44 for32 years he has destroyed my life cosed me to take drugs you said there is no excuse for useing well that was my excuse do you think pedophiles are what i wopuld call a person well i dont i hate the ******* i wish he would die and his wife who rammed a sock in my mouth to keep me quiet these are not persons im sorry if i offend you by saying this but i was the only person in that room i would not repeat what i would call them and yes i am not the only person this has happend to but one person is to MANY James

[narla]

For the first time in 40 yrs I have finally told my whole story to my doctor my counsellor my daughter and my husband,My doctor and counsellor both explained that the things I did as I grew up were due to the warped introduction I had to sex,When my abuser,(my brother who was 10 years older than me and his friend sexually abused me from the ages of 7 to 10)He left home and I tried to have a sexual relationship with my other 2 brothers both older than me,they wouldn't they said brothers and sisters don't do that.I felt hurt because I didn't understand,I felt rejected,at age 12 the worst year of my life I actually touched a much younger boy inappropriately I was baby sitting he was upset I thought it would comfort him,after I realised how wrong it was and I thought I was becoming just like my brother who abused me I tried to commit suicide,By the time I was 14 I was drinking heavily I met a woman who was 28 I used to baby sit for her (and no I never touched another child again)She introduced me to many men aged between 25 and 55 they all had sex with me including her,often more than one at a time, it was concensual and I felt loved and I was getting attention again.This went on for approx 2 yrs,then I met my husband at 16 of course I was going to have sex with him the first time we went out,but he wouldn't,he wanted to get to know me as a person not just someone to have sex with,He said he wanted to love me before we took it to that level.Yes we're still married 29 yrs this year.Partly because of the abuse I became a heavy drinker at 14 was an alcoholic probably the whole time,and I became addicted to codeine by age 26.In the end I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1 litre bottles of bacardi per week and 18 to 24 x 10 mg codeine per day.I was sent a post that really pissed me off, they said there's nothing wrong having sex with your siblings that it's only society's attitudes that make us think it's wrong.I am dealing with everything at once,the abuse,the alcohol and the codeine 100 days clean.  If you want to talk  send me a PM I am now in counselling if you go to my profile I have written down how counselling is going,It's not nice reading but It's reality,please get help or it will just make staying clean harder,I'm now 108 days and never felt better-I'm also a good listener and easy to talk to whenever your ready,Best of Luck  Denise

[Holliee]

James YOUR NOT A BAD PERSON AND YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Those were the bad people not you, they hurt you and took your childhood from you and they had no right to do that at all. The man should be in jail and have that done to him. No how it feels. You were a child that didnt no better an they stole your innocent from you. Please dont blame yourself for what that man and woman did to you. Your wife loves you and you can get to where she is at, Thank you for being honest and I will keep you in my prayers. Please go talk to someone and take care of yourself.
YOU CAN DO IT
Holliee

[avisg]

James bad things happen in life its happened to many of us.You have two choices you can either let your past ruin your life or you can take your life back and not let some other person or event ruin anymore of your life .This is YOUR CHIOCE.!!!!! Stop the excuses
there is no excuses to use NOT ONE instead of TRYING to get clean its time to get clean.YOU do your part seek help.Stay away from anyone that uses and you know your friends that use . We will support you  everyway we can but its time to get to work. Each and everyone are here to help.


PS kim if you would like to talk plz PM me . I would love to talk to you.

[10356]

Thank you Corey.. Love you too :)

[corey411]

You did a great job raising that lil girl Lesa. Love you.

[10356]

what corey says is the truth james. I had to go back and nurture that lil girl and raise her all over again.. When my physc first told me I needed to do this I was like yeah right how on the hell em I suppose to do this ? but the more I thought about it the more I started to remember the joys I did have as a child. the thing that made me Happy.. I started from there and incorporated them into my adult life. doing this I was able to replace many of the bad memories with good memories that the bad has swallowed..  now my good memories have swallowed the bad.. it is a process and one you need to begin with the help of counseling.. push for it james do not let the system stop you. Do not let anything or anyone stop you from loving yourself and Healing the child that was hurt so badly.. I'm here for you as are many of us. hugs

[corey411]

James none of this is your fault! You are an innocent victom and that lil boy that all of this happened to is still hurting inside. Your right, you have to get it out but to a professional James. The fact that you went to be with the person who victomized you is not your fault. It does not mean you consented to any of this You were a child and had noone responsible to show you the love that a little boy is deserving of. How precious you are.. You are a victom and Lesa is always right....you should not be ashamed. Much love goes out to you on this forum but this won't be enough to heal you and give you inner peace. You are the one who has to take care of that poor little boy who was so hurt and confused so many years ago. He is waiting for you. Please find help so you can have the strength to finally care for him. Corey

[10356]

Hi James.. I'm very proud of you.. You also have my deep respect and love.. I will write you back in the pm I just wanted you to reach out to other members of the forum so you can hear from others what I have been saying.. James you are not a bad person. You did nothing wrong. You used drugs to cope with painful memories and experiences like I and many others.. But the time has come to put those memories to rest.. I know the counseling there ***** for men.. but you need to push through and get the help you need.. It is normal to see things when you have been on a long run.. sleep deprivation with the paranoia from the coke is causing hallucinations.. There are no other men in Kim"s life. Only you. Once you get clean start eating Healthy and generally taking care of yourself these will fade. but james until you work out your past and come to terms with it You will always feel like nobody can love you for you do not love yourself.. I love you kim loves you your children love you and many you do not even realize.. You were happy james when you got clean from the Heroin. My fondest memory is of you getting the car.. You were Happy.. James you have to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the now. antidepressants are not a bad idea right now many have found they helped a lot the first few months out of wd. I'm so relived you will be doing no more coke. You will never get high enough or run far enough from your past.. stand up to it and face it. You are not less of a person for this nor less of a man. You were a victim. Please do not be a victim to this B-astard any longer. You have suffered enough and through your suffering Kim suffers.. I pray you will see yourself as I do as Kim does a Loving funny and caring man.. You know how I feel about you both.. I'm so Proud of you Kim. You have done wonderfully !! I thank the good spirits that James had met you. warm hugs letakos

[dominosarah]

James you did not deserve what happened to you and it is not your fault.  You were a victim but you dont have to keep living that horrid horrid period in your life.  Going to a counselor will help so much.  They will help you work thru those feelings and you will be able to put the past to rest.  That dirty scum has had a hold on you for too long.  They will get what they have coming to them.  Dont let your life be ruined anymore.  It was not your fault James.  My heart goes out to you as i know that had to be hard to tell.  Please dont be ashamed, you were just a child and noone deserves that type of treatment.  We will be here for you, that is a promise..........sara

[stilltrying1965]

YesA DO WANT TO RECOVER A WANT IT SO MUCH I HAVE EVEN TRYED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A COUNCLER I HAVE DEEP ISSUES FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE A WONT LIE I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED FROM THE AGE OF 12 I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THESE MEN WERE DOINGI WAS SODIMISED IN A HORRENDOUS WAY THE MAN WAS MY NEXT DOOR NEIBOUR WHY HIS WIFE WATCHED SO THE START OF MY GLUE  SNIFFING AND DRUG TAKIING















Well i will start with truth i was sent to a home at 12 years old somthing happend there that made me phsically sick lesa tought me not to be ashamed thats when i started using drugs , glue anything i could get my handson if that makes me a bad person then what is the dirty scum who did that to me and what made reasons
worse i ran away from the home to stay with my next door neibour he sodimised me infront

of  his wife he put a sock down my throat so i could not screeam hence the drug taking i am very much want to start with the trouth and the drugs blocked it out



now but if i want to get better it must start with the truth and that is what i have done told the trouth i used the drugs to black out my bad memories James


if that is to much then i am very sorry but i womnt hide no more a want to get were kim is that is my goal a will puty every bit of energy into my recovery i hope use will help me james

[corey411]

James, please take the advise from Sara and Gizzy and see a counselor. Gizzy know what he is talking about. Coke was his DOC. When I was into amphetamines I used to see things. The lack of sleep will get you farther into hallucinations. If you have been up for days you need to just crash. If you keep on using this wo any sleep things can get real crazy. I used to see people outside my home that weren't there. I would call my ex to the window and say look at the guy in the yard and no one was there. You need to get more support than we can give you on the forum. If you can get help there, please take it. Love, Corey

[dominosarah]

I am so glad to see you gizzy......

James, you cant do this alone anymore and you cant put all of this on kim shoulders either.  She has her own recovery that she has to take care of.  Get into some counseling and work on your other issues.  Dont let this self hate take you out of the game.  We are not trying to be mean here at all but this is been going on long enough now and we can talk till we are blue in the face but if you dont do anything to try and make it better we are at a stand still.  Either you want to get better or you dont.  That is the bottom line................sara

[gizzy32]

James, I am asking you to please get in and talk to that counsellor, for you and for Kim. Yes cocaine makes you paranoid especially when using large amounts, but i have never experienced what your talking about? It sounds like your coming down, please tell me the truth, when is the last time you used blow? You have a wife that has stood by you and trying to help you, so it's time to help yourself. You need to talk to a counsellor about some of these issues. Reading the pm, your self destructing and it's getting worse. I have been behind you 100% since we met, but you have to do the work. Recovery is not just quitting drugs, there is so much more to it. You can be happy again, but you need to talk to someone about the deeper issues of your drug use and self hate. I want to see you happy and hope with all my heart this did not sound mean, but it's time to fix this, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I care about you, so get better damit.

[dominosarah]

James when is the last time you used coke?