Daily activities without dope...

I went thru yesterday, and today shopping, and doing regular things without the use of dope. I think that is one of my HUGE triggers. Both days have been especially hard on me. I'm not use to doing things without dope in my system. I remember thinking I couldn't even clean my house unless I was high. I always had a plan to be atleast "well" during family functions. I would rashion my H for Christmas with the family, birthdays, or just get togethers. My son's school birthday party is tomorrow, and I will also be handling this sober. How is it that every activity I've done in the past has been done on drugs? I'm floored. Even driving thru my town, or the surrounding towns- I'm realizing that I've used or scored dope almost everywhere. I can't wait until I'm finished learning all I can from rehab, and then attempt to do normal things again. Maybe then I wont have that nagging pull on me to go use. I do feel strong everytime I overcome the feeling. It's really like a war within myself. It doesn't matter what anyone says when I'm having the urge. I have to be the one to fight the urge. I get so mad at myself thinking about the first time I picked up heroin after 2-3 years of not using. Most of you don't know, but I had a problem with Oxycotin in high school. I went as far as to get married, and move away with a sober person thinking that this would make me stay away from the drugs. It actually worked, until he left me. My son's father is the one who initially introduced Oxycotin and methadone to me. We got pretty bad, but not even close to as bad as I've been the last year. My son's dad ended up getting on Methadone, not to kick his habbit of using, but because it was a legal way to use. Boy did he end up paying for that. He use to give me some of his methadone when he started getting take homes. I remember how much we liked the fact that we'd be high for a couple of days off the stuff, as opposed to just a few hours. He's told me several times that getting off methadone took months. I can't even imagine. I came clean to my Mom that time too, and she took a week off of work to take care of my during withdrawls. I thought they were bad at the time, but nothing close to this last time. I could atleast sleep... infact other than vomitting, that's all I did was sleep that time. Fast forward a few years, my husband just left. I started drinking heavily. I had gained about 20-30 pounds during our 1 year marriage. I met Nate at a bar while heavily intoxicated on Cherry Bombs (cherry vodka and red bull). That was my drink of choice. Within a couple of weeks, he had moved into my home. As we got closer I opened up to him about my oxy use. He had friends who were "recovered" dope addicts, and he invited them over. Thinking I would have a lot in common with the girl, I became quite good friends with her. I wasn't all that surprized when she told me she still used. Infact, I was very excited that she could get me some. STUPID STUPID ME! We started off snorting it. We'd each do a bag, but only to half then later do the other half. I use to love the taste of it. We'd stay up all night on the stuff. The next day, we'd sleep like crazy after I got off work, and we wouldn't use that day. Our habbit became every other day. Until the dreadfull day when we gave them our money to get us stuff, and they came back with black tar. I had never seen black tar heroin before, and had heard stories of people getting parasites using it, because they didn't get heroin, but actual black tar they make streets out of. I was scared to shoot up. My stomache was in knots... I almost backed out a zillion times, only opting to go first to get it over with. Once again... STUPID STUPID STUPID! My friend tied me up, and before I knew it, it was over. I didn't even feel the needle! The rush was the most insane feeling, and I was forever hooked from that moment. We went back to them everyday for months. We ended up getting our own hook ups, after realizing that our "best friends" were ripping us off. We actually let them live at our house (along with their son who was my son's age). They were hiding from the law, and the purpose of them moving in was for all of us to get clean. Our friend Matt didn't want to go to prison, and have to go thru sickness there. He said he'd rather die than go thru that in prison again. The first night they lived there... we didn't quit... we had it all planned out for the second night. It's hard enough staying clean if you are in a relationship with someone who uses. Try having two relationships with all 4 people using. Needless to say... after 3 months, no one stopped. The only thing that happened was that they made money off us while living there. They were selling us caps for way more than they actually were. We not only were helping them out, but supporting their habbit without knowing it. I'm actually still hurt over the fact that they watched me get sick so many times, and still would overcharge us. I remember only having a certain amount of money like $100.00, and they didn't have any money, so I'd get us all one... when turns out they were both getting 2. I mean even though I'm clean right now- I'm still really mad about it. We finally kicked them out, and got clean. We had run out of money, and I came clean to my mom about our using. We detoxed, and stayed clean for a while. We had a party at our house- just drinking, and decided to invite our old friends over. We wanted to show them how good we were doing. We got back into it that night. We got our own hook ups, and went our separate ways from that couple. Every now and then we'd get together, but for the most part... we kept to ourselves. I don't know why I just typed out my whole drug story, but I feel better now that I have. Even if no one reads this- it felt really good to get out. This drug has distroyed so many lives. I'm sickened by the help we receive from the government. I tried to get help before going to my Mom, and Crisis Care gave me an apt. for methadone amonth away, and told me to use as much as I could up until that date to insure they would give me my methadone. I walked into that office sick- thinking I would receive help right away, and that's what I was told. I walked out with my tail between my legs, scheming to score dope for the day. There must be away to make it better for other people. If someone truly wants help- there should be help out there for them. There should be immediate help. A dope addict may not have a month left of using. The system is not working, and I pray that someday I'll be able to make a difference. Drug addicts are not bad people. Bad people are bad people. Drug addicts are just sick. Unfortunately a lot of us don't ask for help, because it's frowned apon to be an addict in the first place. It's not like someone who breaks their leg, and they look for medical treatment. This is humiliating. Heroin almost stole my life. I'm still in it's dark cloud, but I swear somehow I will be a success story. I'm ready for tomorrow's daily activites- bring it on. I'm ready for yet another day of being a Mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a recovering heroin addict.

[steveewonder]

Sounds horrific! Keep living life one day at a time always with sobriety on your mind!!!!!

[natalile]

Your doing fab hun. How many ady's are you clean now?. I'm on day 4 & this has got to be the hardest, Why the hel did i relaspe for a week?.
I don't even no what triggerd it of?. & that's 1 thing i'm learning & have been for a while my trigger's.
I have a dealer live in the next square & i thought i would be really hard but to be honest it dosn't bother me. I see people coming & going. Sometime's looking gutted as if he has got enything. & i think i'm so glad that's not me.
But i no i can get clean. Sorta i have been for a while on & of. pelaspeing then back to day 1.
This time i've had it. I've got enough energy to fight the getting clean. ( there's plenty of that in me ). But i carn't fight been an acitve adict enymore. I have finally lost the will to even think about scoreing. Doe's that make sence lol?. Honestly hun your been to hard on yourself & the reason you have just sat & wrote your life story on your addiction is coz you to have had it.
I put a poam i wrote age's ago in my journal. & i plan to write my drug story also. But i just don't no where to start. It's not just the 13 year's i've been a herion addict. I've been using drug's since i was 12 i had my first joint then progressed.
I'm so glad your embracing the love & support of your mum & dad. I no it can be really hard you feel smotherd at time's.
My fella's mum did it with me & in the end i rebeled & thought f**k you & used, There's tough love then there's her way, She dosn't like me for everything i've done to her son so she made it even harder for me. My fella was in jail & i had no where to go. & she loved it.
Enyway that's a whole other story this is about you.
Your right why the hell do they just think methadonwe is the answer, I have a bigger addiction to methadone than i do herion. & when i for help. I was turning trick's, Shoplifitng ect. So i went to the comunity drug's team a single mum as he was in jaikl. Looking like hell about 5 - 6 stone & that was wet p*** wet through lol. Enyway i though ye i need helop & now. Only to be told there was a waiting list of 18 month's i walked out in tear's. I could be dead by then i told them. Not from an overdose, As i didn't inject. I have twice in the 13 year's but overdosed i front for my first son who was 4 at the time, He's 10 now & still remember's it break's my heart. I never had eny intention for him to see. I was in another room, He was looking through the key hole. That sdcared me to never put a needle in my arm agin. I nearly died right there in front of my 4 year old son NEVER AGIN i said that day.
If only i said that about the herion aswell, I was only using £10 bag every day sometime's having to steach it to two day's as i only got £66 a week benifit's. So if i wanted to use i woukd have to go & turn a trick. God how i hated doing that. I've had counselling due to it. Talk about scrw my head up.
I'm so lucky my man understand's, Well i don't think he doe's. I just think he get's on with it he was in jail & undertsand's i didn't want to go back to jail & leave dylan again. It would of killed him.
I've never had social service's involed in 13 year's & that i'am proud of & i have alway's got clean with both my pregnace's. Which i wish i could keep up once i've had the kid's, Instead i use the day i'vwe had the baby. I see my body as an icubator for the 9 month's. It's not mine it belong's to the unborn. I do smoke. I no i shoudn't But i dobn't no many other woman who live around here that do that. They all just keep useing then have addict baby's.
I have seen a newborn w./d & gone through w/d myself so could never do that to my unborn.
Take care hun & message me well chat propably. love you hun
All the best nat xx peace!

[anotherfinemess1]

wow.  that's quite a story.  And you're so young.  I am proud of you, without even knowing you.  It takes amazing strength and character to do what you're doing.  It's hard to do the very things sober that we did using.  With time, we will be able to get high on life again.

[Lotsatrout]

Wow is right!  I hope you and Natalie type fast.... Whew!  :)  Maybe this isn't the right place to ask this question but I'm going to ask anyway.  Pardon my ignorance but....  I have never even seen heroin in my life.  I've never directly know anyone who uses it either so I am about as unfamiliar with it as someone can be.  Here's my question....  How can someone inject "tar" into their veins?  How can they even get it into a needle and I would think that some clump of tar traveling through your veins would stop somewhere along the way.  Is it really black tar like what our roads are made of?  I'm sorry... I just don't understand.

That was quite the story and I truely hope that this is all coming to an end for you.  You have obviously been through a lot and you came to the right place for support!  Keep posting and keep in touch!

Trout