Daily battles

Today I'm at six weeks free of the hydros. As most of you know, I've had the depression, zero energy, CRAVINGS, migraines, and other fun things to deal with. But to my utter surprise, I've beaten them all. My question is to you more experienced recovereds: What can I expect next? I have a semblance of energy back, I'm not crying constantly, I actually don't have a headache today, I've decided cravings are something I'll just have to live with and battle as they appear...but what's next? I actually feel best when I am helping others, so I plan to stick around. Every time I tell myself I'm through the worst, something else pops up, but I've made it through so far (by the way, I did not have withdrawals after taking Lortab for two days for the migraines last week, although I was sick as a dog to my stomach). Now I'd like to know what might be coming up....

One positive thing I'd like to point out is that the chronic pain (pelvic) I was in, the reason I started down this crazy road, is all but gone. I never would have known that if I hadn't quit using. Just a thought for those of you starting out.

Y'all are some of the best people I've been privileged to know, and I thank each one of you for your support and presence. While I wish I never had to deal with addiction, since I do I'm glad I have all of you beside me. Thank you.

[tex3]

I just realized I'm actually at 7 weeks today -- wow, I actually feel proud! There is light at the end of this tunnel...

[lifeisbetter]

One thing that happened to me when I was about 5 monthes clean was that I had a ridiculous thought one day. I was in a crabby mood and it just occured to me out of the blue that it would be ok to take a pill so my kids would have a really happy mommy. It made total sense to me at the time. If you would have asked me one day before that I would have said no way will I ever take an opiate again. It was really strange I totally believed I could take just one. I forgot about the chemical change "just one pill" can cause in an addict. That was the start of a 6 week relapse that eneded in the most horrible nasty detox yet. Now I think of my disease as a STALKER its out there waiting to trick me into making another bad decision with awful results for myself and my family. I never thought I would make that mistake but I did. Dec. 23 was the last time I took a painkiller but I am still scared. If I relapsed then, how do I know I won't again. I feel like I won't ever be that stupid but then again I said that before. I think I am finally understanding the true meaning of one day at a time.

[OxyDout]

you can't know if you will relapse again, you just have to keep up what your doing, I mean look at yourself..........your doing/or you did what everyone here is trying to do, and your name "lifeisbetter" come on!!! give yourself credit your amazing, you don't want to go back, EVER AGAIN, trust me, Although I'm ok today, i know I have a long road ahead of me, I wish to god I was where you are, so please, do it for yourself, and remember, the reason a lot of us are here is becaue "one pill won't hurt"


GWH

[tex3]

I've had that exact thought, and the truth is I probably would be real happy...for about one dose. Then the whole ugly cycle would start again. I know that logically and hope I can continue to stay the path. I think I can, if for no other reason than the fear of another awful detox. But you sound like you are doing great! Thanks for the story. Sometimes I'm in such a crabby mood and I have those "dragon whispers" that my kids would like me better if I were high. Lately I've been talking to my old boss, friends, anyone and everyone about what a flake I really was when I was using. As my boss said, "You would forget whole pages at a time." And that is very true. So I know my kids are better with me like this, warts and all. Anyway thanks for sharing.

And GWH, how are you today? Staying clean?

[angst]

Tracy,  life goes on.  the children continue to grow as sure as sunshine.  you will write your book.  monotomy will set in at times.  but this is the better life.  you won't take things for granted.  once you are over the w/d's, humility sets in.  i am so thankful that i do not chase the dope man daily, steal, and lie for more money to get more drugs.  i am in a better place today.  i appreciate all of you posting.  if i was not an addict recovering as i can, i would never had the chance to read Skipper's prose or meet great people like you.  i'll keep posting.  you will have experience, strength and hope.  God Bless,  Ava

[tex3]

I'm with you. I know life will seem unbearably boring at times. That's the cross we carry. But it is also incredibly beautiful, and that is what I cherish. I remember toward the end everything was so numb. Of course, that's what I wanted at first, and I guess I had to go there to get where I am now. I will do everything I possibly can to never go back to that life. As bad as it was, it still calls to me at times...but again, that's just what I have to deal with. Even with all the pain and other BS, the almost total ruin of my career and reputation, I don't think I'd change anything, not even being an addict. As you said, I had to experience that to be the person I am today and I really kind of like this person!
Thanks Ava, as always you are the best. tracy

[lifeisbetter]

I guess thats why I keep reading and posting here. I want so much to help you guys. I'd like to come in to each and every one of your homes and nurse you through it. (I was an RN before the pills grabbed me, I got so lost for so long I actually just let my license lapse.) The truth is that I read these posts to remind myself where I've been. I heard addicts described as having a light switch in our brain that doesn't work right. Everyone has this switch but ours doesnt know when to turn off. So I can't tell you how much everyone here has helped me to stay clean "just one more day". I am far from better though. Lately, I have been "fantasizing" about margaritas. Its so weird I'm not even a drinker! but, if you tell me I can't have something I want it even more. I feel so ridiculous being a mom sometimes. I think to myself when my 3 year old is having a tantrum, "Sweety I know just how you feel", and I want to join her and say "Life is not fair! Life is not fair." Then I use the grown up part of my brain and think Phewww I'm glad life is not fair,because if it was I would be in jail or been dead a long time ago. You know what I mean? Hang in there, it feels really good when your able to help someone through this nightmare. Its a far better feeling than any pill I've ever had. I do miss it sometimes but the feeling always passes.

[hippy]

i was clean in for 14 years , totly clean.
enthauasim is something seek.it's like gasoline to recovery,
the best way to get is to help others, even if is found in coaching a soccor team, or helping an addict just getting clean.
or just doing what really make's you happy.
the more i got involved with such activeties the better i felt through my recovery.
looking back, all those years ago, life just got better and better
as i stayed clean.

i think i remember the orgins of the word enthuasism  is  greek and its meaning was GOD

peace

[angst]

i also was a nurse, mostly oncology, for 10 years until i got caught during a random uds for morphine and another drug i had
a script for.  it was easier to surrender my license.  i did go to 3 rehabs.  the latter 2 for the nsg board.  the docs were treating the regulations of the licensure board and not me.  i've been on benzo's for 22 of my 36 years for valid reasons.  i've taken all but valiums.  they take my mood way down.  i cannot take them.  rehab had me on a slow phenobarb detox off xanax, i did not have a seizure, i had an anterior infarct.  they could not keep the heart attack from happening.  i held on to my psyche also.  i was so glad to get out of there.  i'm on methadone for the 2nd time.  this time it really saved my life.  i do not advocate methadone to other addicts, with its long half-life, it is a ***** to w/d.  welcome to the forum.  it is good to have another ex nurse.  good luck, ava

[fishman59]

I,ve been "hooked"for 26 years I used to tell myself its only codeine but now I can see its running my life. I have tried a couple of times to quit but the pain is unbearable.I don,t know of any drugs that can help me quit but if anyone has any ideas PLEASE let me know.Keep in mind that I live in Canada and availability is somewhat different here.**

[angst]

you  have a dilemma for sure.  i empathize with you.  i am an addict also.  dilaudid was my drug of choice.  i was a nurse and married with a daughter.  the drugs took away my nursing license,
my marriage, and my relationship with my daughter.
there are doctors who specialize in addiction medicine.  they can help you detox with the use of a cocktail (clonodine-for bp and keeps the drugs from rushing out of your system all at once, a long acting benzodiazipine (careful here because they are addictive, but they will help you sleep), immodium or lomotil {to
stop the diarrhea}, and the doctor will probably taper you down instead of going cold turkey.  That is probably a really good way to go.  Post back and let us know how you are doing.  Also, get plenty of gatorade.  My first time kicking methadone, I bought the jar of gatorade powder.  You do not need to get dehydrated.  Good luck and Blessings.

[lifeisbetter]

The good news is that heroin detox is very much like oxycontin detox and the worst of it should have been yesterday, today and tommorow. Its the weakness and depression that will follow that takes most of us out. And there are people here that swear by "the recipe" so when you feel able to, you can go get the things they recommend. Methadone takes way longer to shake so thats why people have to go back to the heroin. Most people say whats the point of methadone, your not really clean and your not getting anything out of it. It does work for some however, and has literally saved some lives. But like I said, the good news is your coming off heroin which is a shorter acting opiate than Methadone. So at day four you should commend yourself for being able to get up and write legibly on your computer. I don't think I got out of bed for a week except to run to the bathroom, isn't it amazing how fast you can move if you really have to?  I hated hearing this but, some of the withdrawel can be overcome if you keep the right mind set. I mean think about it...how many times were you feeling really shitty while waiting to get a bag but as soon as you knew you were gonna get it you already felt better? I used to make myself so sick just worrying about getting sick. Now thats sick! Just don't pick up. Whatever you have to do don't pick up. Sit on your hands if you have to, take a bath, rock like a baby, play the music loud, I prayed alot and at the time I didnt even know who I was praying too! It doesnt matter he's just waiting for you to ask for help. Just remember you don't ever have to feel like this again. You've got a four day jump on alot of people, you can now be the one who helps the person here who is panicking cause they will be out of stuff tommorow. Stick it out it feels really good to help other people beat this evil disease. I've been clean since Dec. 23 and the misery I went through is like a blink in my mind. I can't believe sometimes how much I gave in to the fear of withdrawel but wasn't really all that afraid of jail. losing my kids or dying for that matter. I PROMISE IT GETS SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!! JUST DON"T PICK UP!!!!!

[tex3]

Where is everyone today? Write please. I know people have jobs and aren't bumming around at home like myself, but I want some contact here! I'll stop whining, but if anyone's around, write please!

[GOD]

Well, Howdy!

Yeah, I'm at work, but I'll talk to ya....

So, How are you doing today? I'm feeling pretty darned good myself, but that's because I'm happy about the upcoming 3 day weekend! So.... How's the weather in Texas where you live? Pretty hot? I'm up here in Nebraska where we are having PERDECT weather [about 75 degrees with NO humidity] Usually, it just goes from winter to sumer here with NO spring, but this year is different.. I hope you are feeling good today, and try not to be to lonely... We ALL care about you!

Bye,
Jess

[fishman59]

Thanks for the info and the encouragement I know this will be an uphill battle but I will beat it !!! all the best to everyone! I will be on this forum from now on and I,ll keep in touch. My only other problem is waiting for an available doctor up here in the great white north we can wait between 6 months & 2 years for a specialist!! Guess I,ll try this myself and see what happens.

[Kee]

I'm in the 4th day of what i expect to be a 10 day physical withdrawl (withdrawal). I've used heroin for over 10 years I've had a few short periods clean. but never more than a month. i've been on meth a few times but always went back to dope. I've never gone cold turkey now here a am feeling like i'm going to die.  I am lucky enough to be alone with out any distractions. I haven't eaten much at all and have zero energy.  I'm just lying around and drinking lots of water ,hoping to flush my body out. I've read some good advice but I have no way to get any supplements or anthing else that may help.  thanks for sharing

[tex3]

First, Fishman how are you doing? I know codeine is available OTC there so that would make things difficult, but then again alcoholics face that every day so there is hope. Have you seen a doctor? Please let us know how you're doing and what you've decided.

Angst and Life, thanks guys, I am really starting to feel better everyday. I know there will be bad days. I am still weepy. But I also feel human again. For many weeks I didn't want to talk to anyone who wasn't a family member, unless it was just over the Net (I can write my feelings but have trouble speaking them often). But lately I've had lunch with friends, gone to activities at my kids' school, talked on the phone to old friends, all kinds of stuff. It happened somewhat slowly but it did happen, I just had to recognize it. This morning one of my old friends paged me. I was tempted to just send him an email but instead I called and we had a really good talk. And I'm not even tempted to spend my days in bed anymore! Wow, that's a good one as it was really scaring me. I wasted two years of my life, more if you count the time I was "drug seeking" but not actively addicted. I even went out to dinner last night with friends! So I know things are slowly improving, and when I compare today with how I felt six weeks ago, or even three weeks ago, life truly is better (sorry, just had to steal that one!).

I'm writing this in hopes that someone who is starting down this road will have hope. Hang in there even when things look their bleakest. I don't think anyone really understands what drives us to do the things we do, but accepting that we will always battle this makes the fight not quite as hard.

[Mammacita]

I have been on one type of pain medicine or another since June, 1987.  It started out initially for migraines, then I had back surgery, a hysterectomy, hand surgery, etc.  The worst is the back pain that still exists.  I can't sleep at night without something to take the edge off - - the vicodin or darvocet allow
just enough relief to sleep. Thankfully Morphine makes me violently ill so I don't have concerns about using it because I can't.

I keep wanting to stop taking these types of medicines, but when I do the pain is so bad I have to take something.  I think the most I've taken in one day is 8.

[angst]

Hello and welcome to the forum.  There is nothing about chronic pain to be ashamed of.  There are pain specialists all over the country.  These doctors are ususallty anesthesiologist with special training in treating chronic pain.  It makes your life liveable without you feeling a stigma about taking what you need.
There are many here on the forum who are suffering from chronic pain.  
I am a nurse who lost my license when I failed a UDS.  I surrendered my license, which was much easier.  I am currently looking for another career in management, shipyard - pipefitting, or anything new.  I've applied at a convience store.
I just have to go to work.    I am on methadone and do not recommend that for you.  The pain specialist would be a far better choice.  
I'm glad you posted.  Keep posting and let me know how you are.
Good luck and blessings, Ava

[Mammacita]

Thank you so much for your response. I have been feeling so alone in this battle.  To top things off, my 20 year old daughter was in an accident which broke her neck at the C2 level last September. She is paralyzed but regaining movement daily which is a miracle.  She initially was on a vent and a feeding tube and we were given no hope whatsover of her ever eating, breathing, or moving on her own.  She went to the Healtsouth Rehabilitation Hospital in Monroeville, PA and they were absolute miracle workers. She was off the vent in two months, the feeding tube in 1.5 months and her trach was removed on Christmas Day.  She can lift her legs, wiggle her feet and toes, grasp my hand, and other things.  Through it all the emotional pain was devastating and I didn't know if I was taking the meds for emotional, physical or a combination of reasons.  Now that things are improving, I realize it is physical pain.

I'm going to check into a local pain management doctor and see what I can find out.

Thank you SO MUCH for responding.  You've made my day.

Mammacita

[angst]

Tracy,  you sound good.  i'm glad you are venturing out of the house to socialize with others.  i am also glad that you are feeling better.  you were at the point of it couldn't get any worse.  i have a couple of kids i'm trying to keep up with.  i'll email or post again soon.  ava

[tex3]

Hi Jess, sorry I gave up and got off line yesterday. I am so jealous of you being in Nebraska! God, it's hot as hell down here. I am unfortunately living in the country right now, on two acres. It's beautiful but I am just not a country girl and there are BUGS. Last night while folding clothes I felt something against my slipper, screamed and kicked the thing across the room. It was a 4-5 inch, inch-long centipede! I mean this thing was huge and very, very poisonous. Wouldn't kill you or anything but hurts like hell and is disgusting. I'm already dealing with increased scorpions as it gets hotter outside. Told my husband to move me to a damn subdivision or I'm heading to Montana, this is ridiculous. I freaked all night.

Sorry to vent but that just killed me. A centipede sting is worse than a scorpion and last time one of those got me I just about cried, it hurt so bad. I'm a wimp, I'm the first to admit!

The point is, can I move in with you in Nebraska? Just kidding I love good ole Texas, just hate the bugs and hate being stuck out here in the country. Give me a nice subdivided neighborhood and I'm a happy girl.

I feel good; migraines gone and energy is climbing daily. Plus, after 7 weeks, I think the depression is gone (for now). So things are looking up. Hope to help some of the others here who are suffering as I did a few weeks ago.

Thanks for writing and don't work too damn hard!
tracy

[angst]

it sounds like you have had a go of it.  someone divine was with you to make it this far and well.  you have a plan, and you can change your life.  even though your daughter requires a lot of your time as do the children, you deserve a life.  i give you permission.  you sound like a wonderful woman.  keep posting and let me know how you are doing.  Good luck and Blessings,  Ava

[fishman59]

Getting off this somewhat depressing subject: does anyone know if bupenorphine is available from a doctor in canada or do I have to travel to your beautiful country to get the treatment that should be available in this tax burdened country (Canada). I don,t mind the travelling but the questions at the border since 9/11 are unreal (understandably).best of luck to all of you heres hoping you all succeed with your battle, i,ve tried 3 or 4 times now and need medical rx help!!!

[tex3]

Thanks! Almost without realizing it, I've been doing more every day. Was at my kids' school each day this week, out to lunch, just different things. I feel great. I do realize each time I venture out in this somewhat small town that I need to get away. It's our home, yes, but I screwed things up so badly there while using, and I have to face that constantly. In a way that's a good thing, because I guess it reminds me of my mistakes. But at this point I don't need reminding and am ready to move on! We are seriously thinking of moving to San Antonio, about an hour and a half south of here. My mom and sister live there. It would be a drive for my husband but not that bad, and at least no traffic. It's a joint decision and one we are carefully considering. I think it would be good for all of us. Someday I will tell you why; when you hear how badly I f***** up, you'll understand, but it might blow you away! I feel like a completely different person but at the same time I never want to forget; I just want to move on, you know?
I hope you are well and thanks, as always, for writing.

[tex3]

Hi Mamma, hope you are doing well today. You've been through an incredible amount of turmoil and I commend you for your strength. As Angst said, while of course you are consumed with your daughter's recovery, you also should focus on yourself. As many of us can attest, you will be best for her (and yourself) when you are well. Chronic pain is a beast that brought many of us here. Once you work through this, I hope that eases for you. There are solutions, but dealing with chronic pain and addiction, if in fact that's what you have, is doubly hard. I tried it and failed miserably, until I was ready to really tackle it. I finally got my pain under control and dealt with my addiction. I still have pain issues but I am managing them.
I wish you the best and hope you get the relief you deserve. Please let us all know how you are doing.
Tracy/tex

[AlexisN]

This is my 5 day sober from many years of hydrocodone addiction.  I HAVE THE WORST headache I've ever had.  I want to cry.  What could help (besides the obvious?)
Thanks!

[tex3]

Hi and welcome! About 8 days after detoxing I got a migraine that repeated itself almost daily for more than a month. You will have to deal with it now or later, later if you take a pill as it will come back. Best to get through it now. You're too early in your detox to take one as you will go through all the **** again! That's a big deterrent for me.

I'm almost to 8 weeks. I took aspirin, Advil Migraine, Excedrin Migraine, Imitrex (the only thing that really helped), and decongestants. It was a daily fight. Finally last week, after spending $300+ on Imitrex, I took hydros again for two days. Luckily I was far enough along, and didn't exceed the dosage, that it didn't have any repercussions for me. But I'd dealt with the headache for more than a month at that point. I guess more like six weeks, actually.

Try some of the above meds. Don't overdo the aspirin, though (I did, as I take almost everything to excess) or you will feel like **** and can get toxic. Is it a migraine or some other type of headache? Describe it and I'm sure there are some of us here who can help. I hope you feel better as I know how bad it sucks. Mine came back today, but took some Imitrex and feel fine now...

[tex3]

Also look up the "recipe" as your brain and body are probably stripped of nutrients. This really helps, with headaches, energy and depression. You should start it right away. Details are in some of the other posts or ask here and someone can give it to you.

[AlexisN]

Thanks for the post on HEADACHES.   I would like the *recipe* whatever that is.  

You say describe it.  Well, I wake up with it and it doesn't go away until I sleep again.  It just feels like my whole head really hurts and aches and it makes me very irritable and tired, can't do a thing!

[AlexisN]

One more thing on the headaches......it's alot of pain in my temples.

[lifeisbetter]

The recipe is down at one of the very bottom posts. Did you use Clonidine for your detox?

[tex3]

Did you find the recipe? Also, I was wondering if the headaches are migraine, cluster, tension, or what. Have you had headaches before? I'm still getting them off and on. Had another one today, but they aren't near as bad as they were a week ago.

Life -- does clonidine have anything to do with this? I took it for quite a while after my detox; still do sometimes to deal with the restless leg when it appears or sleeplessness (it really knocks me out). But not regularly.

Alexis, I hope you feel better! Headaches suck and will drive you nuts, I know.

[fishman59]

well Hi everyone here I'am still too chicken-**** to try withdrawal again "cold turkey". I really don't know what to do if I ask for help from my regular doctor he will assume I will blame him for this addiction. If I go to another doctor my "family" doctor will find out!! The question that keeps going through my mind is "do I keep using codeine till my relatively young body stops functioning ? Or do I find another drug to help me with withdrawal so I can get through this **** and still get up and go to work in the morning????

[angst]

if you live in a large enough city, you can find a doctor who specializes in addition.  that doctor would not reveal to your
doctor what you do not want him to reveal.  this addictionologist
can help you with some other important medications detox.  it is
one way of doing it.  
the other way is tell your doctor it's not his fault, but you need his help to get off the drugs.  maybe he will also prescribe
the needed meds to get off the drugs.
i do not know what else, at this time, to tell you.  i hope you
find a way that works.  i am behind you 100%.  good luck

[lifeisbetter]

The first time I detoxed I just told my Doctor I didn't want to take the pain meds anymore. I had been on them for over 6 monthes so he knew not to tell me to just go cold turkey. I didn't tell him I was addicted (even though I was).He prescribed a weaning schedule and some other meds to help with the withdrawel. If your Dr. is the only one prescribing you codeine and your not getting it in other ways, he should know how much it takes to become physically dependant and hopefully wean you down appropriately. Best of luck to you.

[fishman59]

Addictionologist?? never heard of one of those in Canada! thanks for the information. I suppose I will tell my doctor I need help-should he become defensive (which he has in the past) I will talk to someone else about whats available in this "behind the times" country.

[angst]

The suggestion you gave yourself of tapering with you doctor is
the best thing I heard you say.  The doctor can give you a cocktail to keep all the drugs from rushing out at once, a drug to keep your BP down, maybe a long acting benzo (careful, these
are addictive, but the doctor will not prescribe many), and something for the stomach ills.  If you will attend NA, you can talk about your feelings (get a sponsor, early in the program).
Your sponsor will help you to make it through the tough times.
You can do it.  I hope you will give it a chance.  Ava

[InPain]

Right now I take about 8 to 10 tylenol 4's a day. I've been doing thias for years. Now I want to quit I've gone cold turkey more than once. It's never any fun and I always turn back towards the pills. It al started with migraines but they went away and my pill taking didn't. When I go cold turkey again how long until the flu like system's end. The crying and depression also suck. I've made it passed these stages before but I have relapsed. I am going to try to be honest with my doctor to work on a taper system. But it's just hard to start. I always thought codeine would be easy to kick was I wrong. Any more help - I've already read all the withdrawl (withdrawal) stories and it all sounds so familiar.

[fishman59]

well I'm back at the computer,for the first time I noticed the heading "smoking,drinking,getting high" what kind of **** is that like I said it's been 26 years and its certainly not to get "high" its to stay "normal". I think I've given up on the idea of going to my doctor to discuss this problem,waiting lists in Canada are 6 months to 2 years (all the good doctors are going south for the big bucks).anyhow every time I try to go cold turkey I feel like I'm dying so rather than having that feeling at my age I figure I'll keep taking my codeine till my liver falls out of my ass. After trying to get help from doctors and getting no feedback other than we'll put you on our waiting list I think?? this is my only option.Does anyone know of doctors close to the border (U.S. side) that would specialize in addiction that have less than a 6 month wait????

[angst]

There has to be a way to get you some help.  there are doctor directories on the web.  you might have to insert the closest state, then check for specialty, you might hit pay dirt.  i will also look as soon as i get a chance. i will brainstorm some more
for help.  we can do it.  do you have na or aa meetings close to you?  you might could find a doctor by asking around after the meeting is over.  good luck.  i will try to help.   ava