Day 1, Again! Why do I keep putting myself through this?!!

Here I am again starting all over and I'm really getting tired of all this.  This has got to end.  I am tired of detoxing, I am tired of relapsing, I am tired of using I am tired of the cravings........What am I doing wrong?  I have detoxed enough times to know that the WD's are brutal but I go back again and again.  This is my fourth time since October and maybe onother 4 times in the past 8-9 years. The longest I have been sober in that time has been 30 days but now I cant get past 2 weeks.  I have done the AA and addiction counselor and it doesnt work.  AA is not for me and I am sorry but I cant talk to some teenager fresh out of college about my situation, there is no way her inexperienced little soul is going to help me.

So here I am again on day 1.  I sure know what to expect in the next few days and I am prepared for the brutal feelings I will be experiencing its just after that that keeps tripping me up.  Any advice will be appreciated.  I want this to be my last detox!  Thanks in advance.

[vicki595]

Hey...honestly, the only thing I know of to say to you is to get the right kind of recovery support. It's fine that AA is not for you, there are other places and programs. You'll need to look around for something you like. You definitely need help with that!  A lot needs to come from deep inside. Do you know why you keep going back to the pills?  Can that be worked on? I think that needs to be your focus. Most can just white knuckle their way through withdrawals...it's the time after that.

Start by speaking with your doctor. It wouldn't hurt and he/she can be a great resource!

Keep in touch!

[CATUF]

just curious . . . you say that AA doesn't work and that AA's not for you.

how did you determine that AA doesn't work?  

how much did you go to AA and for how long?  

what about it isn't for you?

as far as addiction counselors, why don't you find one who your age or older?  i was 47 when i got clean and i had no trouble finding a counselor who was my age.

CATUF
2260

[quitinoxys]

Quinn---You asked the question "what are you doing wrong" The one thing that comes to mind is you don't seem to have a support system or plan; am I correct? You need to find some sort of aftercare as it teaches us addicts how to succeed on our journey to sobriety. Getting passed the first 3-7 days of detox and w/d (the physical part) is the easy part. Staying sober is the difficult part. Aftercare is essential part of recovery and is a must if you want to stay clean. Once you learn the tools you develop in therapy you can then figure out "what you are doing right/wrong". God Bless---Rick

[mookie377]

Hi Quinn,Bre its not that you are doing it wrong,Bro you are doing it ALONE!!.WE all use pills,coke,alcohol to get out of ourselves.I personally went to Inpatient rehab for 90-days,that will physically detox you,plus psychologically get you clear in the emotions of addiction.In my opinion,its not that we cant stop,its we cant stay stopped.I am in a non-spiritual program of group therapy,or i should say non religious. A.A. is not theoretically a religious program,but many of the members are affiliated to religion.My friend you have to have a desire to be a non-user.All else is just denial.goodluck john

[quinn1970]

Just to let everyone know the AA does not work for me because of the spiritual aspect of it and as far as getting a therapist my age or more seasoned that is something that I will do if I can.  I've been through two young girls in the past and I can never click with them.  

Thank you for the responses though and I hope they keep coming....I'm beginning to see a pattern forming.

[freshstart01]

Try the rehab section. Is sober living an option???

[quinn1970]

Rehab facilities are not an option, I have a wife and two kids, I wish I could get away but its almost impossible.

[mookie377]

Quinn you had no problem getting and using with your wife and 2-kids.But getting better is out of the question.Heres something to think about,if you keep using you will end-up in       Jails, intitutions or Death.Brother they are out-patient programs,i know .Now you will say that you Work!!! BLA,BLA. Addicts in use have all the reason to use,but noJAM to man-up and get better. I only telling out of Caring for a suffering addict.

[gnarly_1]

HEY Quinn your cycle of getting clean then using getting clean then useingf has to stop we as addicts take our selves for invicable sooner or later this out of control drug use is going to kill you or wind you up in the hospital with complications there are many forms of aftercare available to you I agree with the above posted it shouldent be a problem if you ask for someone age appropriate this is nothing to mess with your family is going to leave you
you will loose everything to thsi drug the problem is it happens slowly and we dont even realize its the drugs that are causing it be for you know it your along penneyless and in need for a fix this story has paned out many times here on the forum it time to buck up and do something about it you cant just keep riding the merry go round it time ti get strait once and for all if I can leve behing 16 1/2 yrs of narcotics anybody with the will and more so the want to can leave this behind ....it up to you but it dosent have to be this way time for some tuff choices do you want to live or die....this ant a game where playing people die every day doing this...good luck and God bless...    

[vicki595]

"I've been through two,young girls in the past..."    What does that mean?

[cleangimnow]

He means two young therapists that he can't relate to. It's a popular major and more women than men are graduating these days. I know because I work in higher education. My wife teaches a freaking class about addiction but really has no idea what it REALLY means to be addicted. Dude, you can do this. I'm at 30 days today. I know what you mean by cravings being the hard part bc I've done this too many times. You need care but seriously MAN up. That's what keeps me going. My family won't tolerate it any longer.  So what you gotta do for the long haul. This isn't a short term fix and bam you are all better. You know that. Keep posting. These folks help and know what it takes.

[vicki595]

Clean: Okay...thanks!  I agree with you here. It's a long term fix but once you reconcile to that fact, it gets easier and it's doable.

If this helps I'll tell you some of what I've learned: You need to change your thinking and you need to change up your routines! That really works!  Do something you haven't done before or learn something brand new. Learning creates NEW pathways in your brain! Pick an exercise that you can love just a little. I'm active but don't like exercise. I do love to swim so though and that's helped me, Exercise is a feel good solution to many,many issues. The mental storm can be so difficult but when you learn some coping tools it's much easier!

[quinn1970]

Thanks for the comments and Clean is right about the two young therapists (sorry i wasnt more clear), it seems as if all their knowledge and advice comes out of a text book.  I can go out and buy the same books for myself. I'm getting the message from you guys though. I'm going to call my doctor today and make up an appointment to fess up. Although he wasnt my source for the pills I have never told him about it because I would occasionally get a script from him once in awhile.  Thats a start though, you guys are right its time to man up.

On another note its day 2 for me, half way through the wds, last night was a rough one, alot of hot baths and heating pads, I did manage to get some sleep from 5 - 8:30, we shall see what today brings, thanks for the advice, keep it coming and wish me luck.

[vicki595]

Good luck!  Talking to your doctor is the right move. We all need help with this nightmare!
He/she can probably give you some clonidine. It's a b/p med and it helps a lot! He may also be a good resource person as to where you can get some recovery support that will fit!

[dominosarah]

If you dont have the time to be sick, make the time to be well.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  You said you are seeing a pattern here so what are you going to do differently?  You dont have to be a prisoner to these pills anymore.  Get honest with yourself and others.  You hold the key that will unlock those chains.  The answers lie within you.  Reach out, you can do this~~~sara

[CATUF]

there are lots of people in AA and NA who "have trouble with the spiritual aspect."

it really doesn't need to be that big of a deal.  no one will try to shove anything down your throat.  

i like what NA has to say on the topic:  "There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way."

that made a big difference to me.  I was living by sufficient spiritual principals if I was simply willing (or willing to be willing) (or even willing to be willing to be willing) to be Honest, Open-Minded and Willing.

Honest, Open-Minded and Willing . . . it's H.O.W. we get clean and sober.

"what could be wrong with trying to be like that?" I thought. i was sick of lying (my WHOLE LIFE was a lie).  i didn't want to be closed-minded.  i certainly didn't want to be un-willing.

seriously, how cool is it that all i had to do to "be well on my way" was to try to be Honest, Open-Minded and Willing.  i didn't have to be perfect at it ("we seek progress, not perfection"), i just had to try.


CATUF
2264

[raven78]

I'm going through the same thing, so i know exactly how you feel.  I always try to remember how lousy i feel during WD but i never do and i end up on the same stupid merry go round.  I think the reason people like us relapse all the time is because we have yet to find anything to replace our current addiction with a healthier one (e.g. art, sports, working with animals, helping other's less fortunate than ourselves, learning an instrument, etc.)  The trick is trying to figure out what gives us the same "high" feeling as the false high... except it's a true high.  It's hard trying to decide what that is, especially in between detox and the first 6 months of recovery.  Our brains are still very much accustomed to our old patterns and we can't imagine anything else that could possibly replace the great feeling we get from the drugs.  We may feel good after detox, rehab, etc., but most of us don't reallize that it's only the beginning....the real task is applying those tools to everyday life.   We also need to give ourselves ample time to change our old thought patterns and try not to put so much pressure on ourselves to let go of them too quickly...(hence...one day at a time).     We just can't beat ourselve up whenever we revert back to our same patterns...all we can do is get back on our feet,  keep trying, and never give up.   Once we get past this part, we then can replace our old addictions with something better and healthier....most of all...something that gives us a true sense of pride...not a false sense of self.