Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Day 1 oxycontin withdrawal
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This community is a place to share information and support with others who are trying to stop using drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, tobacco or other addictive substances. Discuss with others, the symptoms of addiction, addiction recovery, ways to quit like tapering and cold turkey, and withdrawal symptoms. If you are interested in general "chat", please visit our Addiction Social Community.

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1641357_tn?1322528430
Not YET?  NOT EVER!  You are not going to give up.  There I made that decision for you :)  One less thing you have to worry about.  You can do this Harper, don't tell yourself that you're not.  You refer to yourself as a drug fiend "and that's all I am" you say, so not true.  If you were you'd still be out there doing them and not here wanting to get clean.  Everyone screws up, the part that differs though is whether they do something about it.  And you are.  I know it's hard when you're by yourself.  Especially without your family and friends to help you.  But consider us friends, close friends :)  I've grown to love you as a person and I don't even KNOW you really.  That says a LOT.  If your family and friends that you have now can't see what's inside, screw them.  I don't say that in a mean way, but you know what I mean.  You do this for you and only you.  You WILL have a better life and you will prove them all wrong in the end.  If your "friends" are telling you that's all you'll ever be and you can't be something more they aren't your true friends.  You're better than that and you KNOW this.  Otherwise you wouldn't be here now would you?  Keep your head up!!!  Go to the mirror right now and tell yourself OUT LOUD "I CAN DO THIS, I"M GOING TO DO THIS!!!"  Do it over and over again until you don't have any doubts anymore.  Your mind is going to be against you.  You have to be stronger than the addiction side of it though.  Get some index cards or a journal or something and start writing down your life goals and what you would like to accomplish, whether it's long term or short term, rational or not.  It will help you succeed.  Your life is what YOU make it, no one else, and you're going to make it AMAZING :) I so wish I were there to help you right now!!! You're in my thoughts and prayers!!!
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1198664_tn?1368651412
Hey I screwed up too and i had over a month. Just don't do anymore and if you do then do very little. Makenit like a precentage game. This week I did 90%less than last week. It's not 100% but it is PROGRESS. JUST DO NOT GO BACK UP TO YOUR OLD LEVELS. keep progressing. We ALL go through this EVERY ONE. do not feel bad. Do not EVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Harper you had a slip! It's not the end of the world. Just keep going and don't beat yourself up too much over it. And I'm sure Back2Me has great intentions and I commend him for being able to just do a pill here and there, but I tried that..and my pill here and there after my last detox led me back to full blown use at an even higher level then I did before!!! It's a slippery slope if you start that let me tell you. Now you know that you need to keep certain people away. Your freshly detoxed and need as little temptation as possible, not some jackass throwing them in your lap.

I am 12 hours in now. Today is my day 1 and I woke up feeling just horrible but I threw some cold water on my face and said screw it, I'm doing it! I feel a lil better now but I know what's to come. Harper don't let 1 slip take you back into addictive hell. Just brush yourself off and keep moving forward ok? Get rid of people, places and things that are triggers for you. Think back to why you needed to do this in the first place. There are no happy endings with this addiction if a person keeps using, it's just a dead end...literally.

Stay strong and keep posting. Get rid of any pills you might have and change ur number if you have to. We've all been through this and no one here would ever judge you. You are STILL an inspiration to me and for the first time in a year I have 12 hours clean now, not much but a start!! Pick yourself up, brush off and keep going ok?
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Avatar_n_tn
Don't worry about relapse, it's happens. This is not a sprint, it's a marathon

Back2me hope you are doing well. I remember when you quit your job.  Do you still get WD if you only use for a day after some time off? I'll message you, this thread is way too long to search on iPhone. Takes me 5 just to get to the bottom :)
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Avatar_m_tn
Just a slip up man.  I've relapsed several times.  That doesn't mean you aren't doing great.  And if you only used one day, your withdrawal should not be near as bad this time.  So keep that in mind.  It is just a bump in the road, not the end of it.  You accomplished A LOT by going so long after such heavy use.  You know you can do it, because you pretty much did.  You just have to stick it out.  I wish I could give some better advice, but I'm no therapist or doctor.  Just another guy trying to get off pills.  But I haven't given up on myself, and I haven't given up on you.  Hang in there and don't run off on us.  We are here for you.  
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1697690_tn?1329127238
thank you everyone so much, i am still ashamed and mad at myself from my decisions yesterday but i will not use again today, i dont want to throw away this week and i still want to be sober in my heart. thank u so much todays a new day thankfully, back to day one but i wont mess this up. thank u everyone so much u r so supportive its so nice,

and tgtiffany, thank u for that post from last night, you are so positive its contagious haha (in a good way!) thank u it helped a lot to hear that

everyone thank u the support means so much, i will not use again today i will keep trying to get my life back and learn as much as i can from wat i did yestrday
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1283286_tn?1312915566
Ok, so you had a setback..No big deal..Learn from it and keep moving. It isn't going to throw you back into the pits of wd. If anything its going to make you feel like you've failed as you state above, enhance that feeling of hopelessness, which ,on turn, eleveates some of the depression that comes with the early stages of withdrawal ..And hit preety hard during the first couple of weeks. This was what I was trying to help you be prepared for back on your 3rd day when I initially posted to you..

So throw out all that talk about how everyone is going to look down on you, yell at you, consider you a failure, etc,etc,etc..That does not happen here. I can think of a few drug treatment centers that practiced actually jumping on people for relapses in the way your jumping on yourself,,but that doesn't happen here nor is it tolerated..

So brush yourself off and get back on the horse. These helpless,worthless feelings will past in the next couple of weeks. You have to focus on that and believe it..And the biggest reason to believe it is the fact its true..By my 3rd week everything was brighter for me. Coulod small the air, taste my food, and got off on these crazy breakfast binges eating things I hadn't cook in years much less ever ate breackfast while under the grip of the oxycontins...

Everything your describing is normal for most everyone who has made the jump..The lack of esteem, selfworth, depression,,all of it..So talk away..No one is going to judge you for your slip. It was a mistake, you've learned a valuable lesson about how vunerable you are in certain situations (ie: friends with pills), so start working on a plan to keep yourself from getting in that type of situation again....Dav
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1641357_tn?1322528430
No problem, did you do the mirror thing?  If not, doooooo it!!!  

I hope you're doing well today :) Don't forget to eat something and still keep drinking a lot okay :)
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Thank you for all of that Dav125, read it a few times andd trying to take it to heart. And thank youtgtiffany havent eaten yet but ill try something later, i just have no appetite, but i know its important, ill try and eat something. I havent done the mirror thing yet, I have said it in my head if that counts lol, I will do it though, thank you. Todays a little better, not nearly as sick as the first few days, but this mental stuff is tough, I am trying to stay positive though and I gues I just need to be patient and do my best to get throuh this.
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1641357_tn?1322528430
No!!  It doesn't count!!!  Well, okay, it does a little, lol, but saying it OUTLOUD really helps!!!  And please please please do the mirror thing :)  No one ever believes me on this one and no one does it at first.  There's been too people on here that actually did it right away and messaged me saying that it helped them soooo much!  I'm telling you!  At least start saying it OUTLOUD not in your head.  Hearing yourself actually say it will make it more real :)  Eat something, even if you don't feel like it, while you can hold it down at least you'll get something from it.  
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1641357_tn?1322528430
two* people ---- wow what a blonde moment!
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Thank you I will do it I promise!! :) and today has been better I got out for some excercise and kept my mind distracted feeling a bit better physically. My grandmother flew in for the day and stopped by to see me and sat and talke with me for a few hrs its been so nice she's taking me out to a nice restaurant for some fancy meal now even tho I told her I can't eat lol.she's leaving late tonight just stopped in and it felt so nice to see her goin to dinner now sry haven't been on much but I hope everyone is still fightin today and I appreciate all the support I will come back tonight I'm just very grateful for a day that's been good and I haven't had to use so I am thankful.
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Avatar_f_tn
Go out and enjoy your dinner, even if you don't eat much it's nice to have a visit with your grandma. It'll do you a world of good. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Yes today was relatively good. Getting out and keeping my mind distracted helped. Things arent great but they are do-able, i dont have to spend the day over the toilet at least so ill be grateful of that. Trying to keep my mind focused and not letting it wander to using or OC at all. Ive got some hope, just going to keep trying i know theres a long road ahead, but im just grateful today was okay.
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1283286_tn?1312915566
Now your finding part of the key here. Distraction as a key to get those reoccuring using thoughts out of your mind.

In many ways this is like a cigarette addiction. It becomes part of an ingrained pattern of daily activity and that alone is a hard habit to break..Like if I get ready to drive somewhere, virtually everytime I pull out of the driveway,, I light a cigarette..Just a bad habit that's got to be replaced with some sort of countermove..

Its a struggle at first trying to get that thought pattern to stop making so much noise in one's head but it does get better and better the more you practice it. It could be taking a walk everytime the bad thoughts come at you, deciding to sweep the floor, move some laundry as I stated above in one of my other posts before,,just anything to distract you and get some distance from the thought when it hits.

On food, really try some of the "Garden vegetable variety" Progresso soup..And a grilled ham and cheese sandwich if your up to making one..At first I could only get bites here and there, but after a couple of days I was eating half bowls with half a sandwich many times dipping my sandwich in the soup, And a few days after that found myself eating a whole bowl with a sandwich..

I guess maybe some of this had to do with my taste buds coming back alive and actually tasting the food...Then the cravings for sausage, biscuits with gravey hit..Man! I couldn't seem to get enough of that with a bunch of scrambled eggs mixed in..:).Then soon after around the 12th to 14th day, I was back into grilling some boneless chicken breasts which I might make into sandwiches, add to the vegetable soup, or eating them with homemade mashed potatos.Basically light foods. .

Theres also another cute thought that a girl named Kimbo out in California came up with..She was having difficulty and was talking with a friend that was part of an AA or NA group she had been going to meetings with..He said "Well Kim?,,It sounds like your ready to join our other club"..To which she asked "What club is that?"..In response he said "The No Matter What Club!"..Meaning ?...No matter what,,we will not pick up another one of those nasty pills..No Matter What!..

That was so neat to hear her story about it and it makes perfect sense..When things feel down on you,remember that thought..It sums everything up so very perfectly and helps your mental resolve everytime those little demons attempt to play tricks on your mind.

You still have some mental swirling days ahead of you but it is changing ever so slightly each day..In another week and a half you will really begin to notice the change.Spurts of energy will start to happen more and more. You really will find yourself thinking less about the oxy and more about things your wanting to do....

I wish I could pull up a few posts for you where people started posting that after about two to two and a half weeks that they never believed they would start feeling so much better considering the way they felt during that first week and a half. There are a bunch of those posts in here and many of these individuals were far more sckeptical than what you have expressed..

And hey! Time is starting to move faster for you,,is it not?...First it was the first day. Now I think your near 10 days almost?..Hang on..Before you know it you will be at 20 days going Wow!  Then your thoughts will statrt saying " I am so glad I I decided to end that nightmare"..Because you will really begin to feel the benefits of finally letting go...You will actually begin to smile about it...:)
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Avatar_f_tn
OCHarper, what you have done is just amazing and good. you are using your sheer will to live and look at how far you have come.  You are an inspiration. Keep going!  Keep going!!  You are headed for the light. Blessings.
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1694436_tn?1311423061
I trully hope today is  amuch better day for you, i know it does get easier physically, then there is the mental part, as i am 10 days clean, i find i have to keep busy but also it seems to be certain times that are the worst, i use food to help, not recomended to all as it can cause other problems but it works for me, I wish you all the best, you CAN do this, jsut keep positive
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Hey guys, thanks for checking and all the support. Today is okay, not great, tired, legs hurt, depressed, weighed down, etc. but im  trying to be more positive, if i just focus on those negative things then thats all im gonna see in my day. I slept a few hrs last night thats progress, i havent thrown up thats progress, my mental state is a true roller coaster but every now and then i get a few moments of happiness, and i feel alive for the first time in so long. To me that feeling is worth fighting for. It is finalyl sunny todayy, i am going to try and get out go for a walk and push myself to move around. Things are not great but I can see progress and thats what matters. I know i have a long long road ahead and lots of work to do but i am just grateful that there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.  I feel ok right now, i know that in an hr i could be depressed and craving but i am just trying to focus on right now and do everything i can to stay away from using.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Also, i think it was gnarly that said u have to be ok with not being ok and thats so true for me right now. Its like yes half the day i am miserable feeling and it is a struggle but what i think of as a "solution" the drugs is no longer a solution. I know if i used id jsut start feeling bad again and have to detox again at some point, yet how i feel now isnt great either. At times it seems there is no solution, but the way  I see it, is if i stay on this path, even if i dont feel good now at least there is hope that the longer i stay sober the better ill feel and the more good days ill start to have, whereas I KNOW that if i go back to using i may feel good at first but eventually it will just take me backwards ill start to feel bad and at somepoint ill be right back where i started deep in WD's dope sick, drug addict, and miserable, so at least this way there is hope for a better life. Just trying to find ways to think about this to help me stay sober and fight thru this mental part..
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey there.   I'm not sure if I've posted on you yet but I have been reading and what you are going through is totally normal!    Those moments of happiness you get every so often are a sign of recovery!   Your brain is starting to work without drugs.   Eventually you will have one of those moments and it will stay!   This is the best feeling in the world!   I've relapsed a bunch of times but I'm still doing better than I was when I was using a lot.!  You have to stay positive and wait for the happiness to stay!  You'll feel as if you were in a fog and all of a sudden everything will be clear!   Great job and good luck!
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1641357_tn?1322528430
Hey girl!  I hope that today is super awesome for you :)  You're doing great!  Just remember that okay?!  Keep it up!  I'll check in later :)
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Avatar_f_tn
I think you have alot of support here and I myself am trying to get off pills after 6 years of taking them for an injury ... I don't feel I have the strength to stop because of the situation I can't take time off work to sup idk what to do
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1641357_tn?1322528430
Hey, how are you doing???  I hope excellent :)  Going to yard sale today so won't be back til later!
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Avatar_m_tn
I just read your latest post. Wow! You are doing great. I know it may not feel like it, but your thoughts are definitely moving forward. Look back at where you were at just a few days ago.  Real progress, I think.
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1641357_tn?1322528430
Hey, haven't heard from you today?!  Hope all is well :) Keep your head up okay!!!
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1697690_tn?1329127238
hey! i just got home i was gone all day today but for the first time  i think i had a decent day today lol. i mean the depression is there, idefintely have to fight to feel happy lol it doesnt come easy, and the tired feeling and the weighed down feeling and the legs, but besides that like i felt like a person today. Was at the beach all day with friends and the sun and water was great. For this moment i am okay and that is really nice. I am really trying to work on my thinking, i know if i sit around and let myself think about using and be dperessed i will use. Thats exactly what happened on day 7 so i guess in some ways i am trying to be really active because im scared of just "being with myself" and having nothing to do. I am hoping that one day i will be content with myself and my thoughts but for now im not. I am scared of using, its like one second i can be okay and the next im not and it happens all so fast and then bam im using. And i dont want that to happen again so im just trying to stay busy and be around people and be out doing things and moving around. I dont no if its a very good approach but at least it worked for today, i didnt use and thats good. thanks for checking in and sry if that made zero sense. my heads a mess
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Avatar_f_tn
so glad to hear you had a good day we were all worried about you!  i think keep yourself busy with healthy activities is an excellant way to move on, just being with people who don't use is a great help!  Good job today and you had a little break thru you had a few moments of peace!  thats great and so glad to hear from you!!!  good job today!
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1697690_tn?1329127238
ya but now i get home and the second theres nothing to do all i want to do is use. it su cks. its like if im not busy then im wanting to get high. this su cks. sometimes i wonder if ill never be able to escape this like i will always have a voice in the back of my head and i will always have this urge to use.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
i feel like im  minimizing my addiction or something thinking like oh things werent thhaaaaat bad i can use every once in a while and then im like what??? am i crazy i know i cant just "use every once in a while." i feel crazy honestly, like im in constant battle in my mind im trying to just accept these as my thoughts and not let it control me but the second i am not busy they start dominating me and its like all im thinking about again. its frustrating.
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Avatar_m_tn
You need a road trip or vacation.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
todays rough feel like i weigh 3295736 pounds, physically feel sick all over for some reason maybe cuz ive been trying to do to much lately. so tired and depressed and deee motivated... mr new hope i think ill get on my vacation today haha where should i go
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Avatar_f_tn
Well you could come ride the rollercoasters at the amusement park with me!!! ;)
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Haha ok yes please!!
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Avatar_m_tn
You guys are SO gonna vomit all over the place on that ride... I'll pass on the rollercoaster. Yuk!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
HarperOC, when you say you have nothing to do.. just some input.. there is so much to do.. and so little time... can you get some art books and draw (even if you are not an artist), do you like to do any hobbies, any crafts, (do you like to clean?), can you pick up a guitar and learn the chords, or listen to albums and sing.. or dance around the living room (salsa, zumba, whatever).. of course, you may not feel like reading but a book can take your mind away from things.. and lots of good movies from the golden era of hollywood.. watch fun happy funny movies.. Just a thought to help you when you feel bored.  
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1641357_tn?1322528430
Haha roller coasters -- since having my daughter I can't even get on a ferris wheel without feeling like throwing up!!!  How lame right???! lol Harper I read your post on tigerlily's thread, you seem to have this all figured out and everything!!  SO proud of you girl!!  
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1697690_tn?1329127238
i know this sounds lame but i cant stop thinking about using i think about it every day. i have said on other posts to try to control my thoughts and wat not but its just like all i think about. i get some relief if i do something but then the thoughts come back. i see lots of people say theyre done for good and thats wat i thot for ymself but maybe sobrietys not for me if i cant even stop thinking about it....this just kinda su cks. i feel like im about to just give in
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Avatar_m_tn
HI......ITS tuff in early sobriety you havent gotten the aftercare you need yet to fight back
I would highly suggest a N/A meeting to you as sooon as you can you will learn how to deal with cravings and such there///,,,,,,I have said this a 1000 times on here its not about the pills its about the excape the pills take you where your brain wants to go you have to retrain your brain....as addicts we hneed to change the very way we think and reason to beat this thing all persons places and things associated with using have to disappear my Lord girl I watched you fight it out to get clean DONT GIVE IN   ....YOU CAN DO THIS you just need to become pro active in your recovery many think If I could just quit the pills I will be better and can move on with life...im sorry to say it dosent work that way your addiction is alive and well it up to you to choose recovery and it takes work getting clean you will find was the ez part staying that way takes work if you all alone call someone that doeset use if you more alone then that pray to God to give you strenth to get past this the cravings will go away with time not to say I never get one but there few and far between hang in there tuff it out tonight dont give in it not worth the guilt and shame it will put on you message me if you need to talk I will keep an eye on your post also ......good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  
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Avatar_f_tn
STOP IT!!! You are such a strong girl and you are the very one that has talked me into controlling my thoughts, as you mentioned above. And just like you told me, they are YOUR thoughts. And you can control them. And they are just thoughts. Now, if you sit there and just stay stuck in your thoughts it will become an obsession and possibly an action. Or they can just be a passing thought, this are the words YOU told me.

And trust me I still have these thoughts too, and what you have to do is distract yourself somehow. Take a walk, take a bath, call a friend, post on here, read a book, watch a movie, read the bible, pray, look up funny stuff online...anything to just distract your mind for now and make those thoughts passing thoughts rather than obsessions. Hmmmm do you have any fruit loops around? Worked for me lol :)


Your mind will do a number on you and Im still fighting mine daily hell hourly but thats just it Im still fighting and we are in this together and WE WILL WIN!!!!
Hang in there! It gets better! Im keeping you in my prayers!!!
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1641357_tn?1322528430
HARPER!!!!  You can do this girl.  Like you said yourself and tigerlily reminded you, they are only THOUGHTS!!  You can change them, you can think anything.  This is where the "talking out loud" part comes in handy, because it's sometimes hard to argue with yourself in your head all the time the voices all mix together and usually the bad one comes through loudest, but when you actually voice the opinion that you want to happen the other little voice is kind of like stunned and cowards down.  I know this sounds crazy, and maybe it is, but it works.  It works, and can work for you.  Tell yourself that you are amazing and better than using.  You are a very strong and beautiful person!!  Keep your head up.  Don't think bad thoughts like sobriety isn't for you!!!  Hello it's for everyone!!!  Keep posting and don't give in.  Go eat some fruit loops ;)  You are amazing remember!!! You can and will fight this to the end!!!  You already know that your mind is going to mess with you, but REMEMBER it now.  It's being lazy and doesn't want to have to make it's own chemicals and stuff, make it work!!!  Harper, you are super strong.  Out of all the posts you seem to be the one that keeps it together the most, but I know that deep down your still going crazy like everyone else is/was.  It's hard, and it's going to be hard, but don't let it beat you.  You're better than that, you can do ANYTHING that you put your MIND to, so put your mind to staying clean.  Like Tigerlily said don't use "NO MATTER WHAT"!!!  You know that using isn't the life that you want!  
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1697690_tn?1329127238
im sorry u guys i screwed up again i used. i dont no wat to do anymore. i dont no how to stay sober i put all that time into detoxing i tried to be strong and i gave in again. dont rly no wat to say i no ive let myself down. im sorry but i dont even no rly wat to do anymore. ive screwed up again. im being honest with u guys but i rly dont no wat to do now. i wanted to be sober so badly but now i dont know, ive screwed up twice i completely lost my mindset tonight it was like i didnt even put up a fight within myself. ive rly let myself down but worse of all i dont even no wat to do anymore.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
i know in my heart i want to be sober but my actions havent been showing that. my addiction is beating me right now. I am sorry as everyone has spent so much time helping me and has been so good to me and i have just been struggling and i guess i just did the "easy" thing tonight. i am upset with myself but i am also losing my fight i think. Im sorry but i dont have much faith in myself right now.
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1568041_tn?1311618812
You screwed up again? What did you do exactly? Been reading your posts and I see your struggle....
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1641357_tn?1322528430
Keep your head up girl.  There's lots of people here who have screwed up TEN times before they actually got clean.  You can do this, just get back up.  Did you change your phone number?  You have to be stronger than the addiction.  When you're feeling depressed and down like you want to use distract yourself, stay on here and post.  Last night you disappeared before I posted, I was thinking "da mn i wish I had her phone number I would soooo call her right now!"  You CAN do this.  Stop letting your mind talk you out of it.  You say you don't know what to do, just keep going.  Start again, and keep going until you succeed!  Maybe write a letter to the pills like Tigerlily did ( i think that's who it was?) Did you make goals?  Like Gnarly always says you have to be proactive !! You can do this Harper!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Harper!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG Honey, I know you feel bad, but its ok. Please get up and dust yourself off and try again! This is not my first time coming off these either, and dear I have relapsed too many times to count. But its ok, I heard somewhere its not how many times you fall down, all that really matters is that you get back up one more time than you fell down! Im here for you, Im keeping you in my prayers, please send me a message if you need to talk! Like tiff said I soooo wish I had your number I would call you right now! I feel like I know you and I know you are SOOO WORTH THIS!!!! Get back up and try again!!!
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1641357_tn?1322528430
She's amazing right Tigerlily?!!  I don't know why, but I just know that she is.  

How are you doing today HarperOC?  I hope better, even if it's just a little.  Keep posting posting posting like you were before, it will help you!!!!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey HarperOC. Everyone on this board has had setbacks. There are two things we all know: You will never fail if you keep trying. You can never quit forever, just for this minute, this hour, this day...

Also, there is no reason to be ashamed. This is darned difficult. We all respect you and we are all with you, even if you falter. No one will ever scold or disrespect you here (or we'd all be all over them like you know what!). To the contrary, we see a little bit of us in you and your posts are inspiring--even if they don't all bring cheery news.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
Thank u for the comments. I have been trying not to use, its been  2 days since I used last, (this being the second day). I am upset with myself. I felt bad to keep posting because i said all this stuff of how bad i wanted to be sober, and then used twice, I jsut felt lame and like my word means nothing. I do want to be sober still, each day is very difficult and I think about getting high a lot during the day. The nights are the worst I think. I am trying now to just worry about the day I am in, but its like I will be feeling fine then all the sudden the craving just sneaks up on me and before i even no it im in my car driving to get one or someones coming over with it. Its like i dont even put up a fight. Is this crazy?
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1694436_tn?1311423061
Please don't beat yourself up over this, i slipped at the beginning also, pick yourself back up, you CAN do this, it's not crazy, i craved realy bad, can u escape to a friend who doesnt use in a diffrent city, or a hotel in a diffrent city, someplace that makes it hard to get them? I dont have alot of time in, but i will always listen and say what i can to help, i know i am repetative, but you CAN do this
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HI.......i been following your story from the start have even tryed to give you some advise
right now im going to tell you something you need to here ....it comes from a senior member but there is no greater truth.......'''your desire to get clean has to exceed your desire to get high until that happens sobriety will escape you''....there is nothing more frustrating then watching someone go threw shear hell to get clean .....the to slowly watch them slip back into the abiss .....it dosent have to be that way you can do things that will help the first being get you butt to an N/A meeting dont talk just listen go to as many as you can get to right now your going to have to go out of your comfort zone to live in recovery quiting the pills is not enough and strong will wont work....at least for very long ....im not trying to be harsh with you im trying to save your life you liver and kidneys will only hold up to so much abuse you dont want to be on dialysis because of poor judgment please try it my way you have nothing to loose if you dont your sobriety may become a distant memory.....you need to change persons places and things and then dont look back I have been asked '''what do I need to change to make it to long term sobriety''?? my answer is always the same just one thing......everything this is not a game you are playing this only gets worst as the years where on I road the narcotic train for 16 1/2 yrs im lucky to be alive let alone living in recovery you got to decide how bad you want it if your not in this 100% it will take you back down...im sorry if im not telling you what you want to here right now....im telling you what you need to here ....you have worked hard up till now your so close you can taist it now become pro/active in your recovery and beat this thing ........good luck and God bless......Gnarly.....it maters to me that you make it !!!!    
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Gnarly's post is so true.  You gotta change everything.  My husband had to move 11 hours away to finally get clean!!!  Change your number, move, delete all bad contacts and dealers and people that you know who know where to get them.  EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that will lead you to the pills.  You can do this Harper, you just gotta put your mind to it.
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Gnarly is right, you endured hell on earth for this - don't let it be in vain. You need to take the next step and get into aftercare today. I made the same mistake when I detoxed and thought I could just get through that severely rough, early post-detox phase myself. Well since my best thinking got me to where I was, it was no surprise that my addict mind also led me straight back into hell. Without help I was a sitting duck and no match for the addiction that almost ruined me to begin with. I wish so bad I could turn back the clock and would have gotten that help before it got out of hand again. Instead I ended up going on a 2 month run and almost died a few times from OD'ing (your tolerance for the drug has come way down. What used to just take the edge off could be life ending now so be verrrry careful!)

Just a thought but you know if I was 22 again (I wish lol) and had no kids and was struggling with this I would definitely check into an inpatient rehab and stay there as long as it takes to get the help you need. An inpatient program really is the best option. You live in a setting where you stay clean and learn the tools to handle life in the world clean and you get time to practise using those tools and time to adjust to life sober with a ton of support. And when you leave there maybe you decide it's time to relocate if that's what it takes to help you stay clean. It really is life or death hun. The drugs take their toll. For some it takes years and years, for others the clock stops way too soon in life. My own mother died young from this addiction. Her liver could no longer take the daily abuse it had endured for so many years. We play a dangerous game, we never know when the next hit will be our last. Two days before my mom died we were talking and she was excited and happy because she'd found some new support group and was doing great with tapering etc etc. Just two days later she took morphine and that was it. I never saw her alive or spoke to her again. It's a pain that hurts me so bad, to know she didn't have to die. That it could have been prevented. But addiction is so much bigger then just the physical stuff, it hits our mind, body and soul. All three have to heal and the time that takes is the longest, hardest time in the world but with help we can get there. Please think about it. Maybe inpatient would be the answer to your prayers. But at the very least get into some kind of aftercare. You are an amazing, intelligent wonderful woman with a bright future ahead of you. Don't waste those years in addiction like I did. Like so many of us do. You WILL rise above this. You WILL succeed!! Tell yourself that because it's true.
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Thank you guys for the comments, I appreciate the honesty and support. You are all right in everything you said, I havent posted much the past few days, have been thinking about things, but ive still come on here and read other posts. I am going to do whatever it takes, I messed up a few times and let the drugs get back in my head and thinking, but ive been able to stay off them now a few days and my head is a bit cleared up. I have a drug therapist I can try, and I may check out a meeting but not 100 percent sure, but I will try to keep an open mind to everything. Every day is a bit of a struggle honestly, I cant say things are that great, I am grateful to not be phsyically chained to oxycontin, but the mental battle is just as hard. Everyday I feel so tired and weighed down and depressed and the lack of sleep is draining too. Dont get me wrong, its not horrible, things could be much worse, and I know this is the stuff i have to get thru. I am trying to be around people and not spend time alone because thats when i start thinking about using. I know there are other issues i will probably need to get down to also, maybe a therapist for that. Ive always been one to want to solve all my own problems on my own and be independent like that but i am seeing that this is something bigger than me that i cant do on my own. Anyways, i am still trying to be sober every day, its been a few days now since the last time i used and each day is pretty difficult but i am still trying. Thank u guys to everyone who has commented or posted I really appreciate it.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI.......a therapist is a good start....I use a substance abuse conslor once a week it helps out greatly ......but I got to say you will miss out on a lot of recovery if you skip the meetings just go and listen you dont have to talk although you probably will want to after a wile you will meet people that have gone where your trying to go meet new freinds ....clean freinds and get phone #s so you can reach out and call b/4 you use....go out of your comfort zone check out 3 meetings you will find one you fit in to and it will make this whole thing a hole lot ezer then its been aftercare to the addict is like insulin is to the diabetic treat the deases hang in there reach out and you will make it good luck and God bless......Gnarly    
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I havent heard from you lately, just reading now, sorry to hear but i understand it is hard each day today was the hardest, I hope and wish the very best for you, You helped me alot and i dont know how to help you, i wish i did, except hang in there you can do it,
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I wont know how to get back here, but will try again later and see hwo you are..
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Glad that you are doing okay :)  You CAN and WILL get through this!!!!  
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Morning

I was thinking of you, and hope today is a better day for you, will be in my thoughts through the day, Keep up the great work, you CAN do this really, i know sometimes it seems impossible I know this but you will be fine,,,,
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Hi HarperOC,
It's a new day and a new start!   Go outside without your sunglasses on.  It will really cheer you up the sunshine.  I found a great NA meeting that I go to twice a week.  I wish I could go everyday.  At first I just listened in.  For a long time.  I learned that in aftercare to really change your thinking you should attend 90 meetings in 90 days.  I will have past 90 days sober, before I have been to 90 meetings.  But my goal and test for staying clean on the long run will be my 90th meeting.  I took pills for 4 yeas for Fun!  Tried to quit on my own but couldn't 12 days only.  Then my habit or addiction doubled and trippled and I was taking so many it wasn't even fun anymore.  Found this site and got clean, now I struggle to stay clean using every avenue available to me.  You are so young and have such a brilliant future ahead of you.  You say you want to do things by yourself that is the best quality a person can have, but there are some things that we have to ask help for and this is one.  You are strong and willing, you can do this!!!  God Bless You!  Maybe at night when the urge is strongest you could write down your feelings about it and eventually write a book.  I could help you and others.
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How are you Harperoc???? Updates?
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How are you? How did it go? W/d???
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Hi guys,
Thanks for checking in. I have been struggling a bit. I still want to be sober but there have been several "bumps in the road" I dont even want to get into it because its shameful and depressing and upsetting and just makes me feel worse. I am still trying to be sober though, today is a new day. I dont feel very good mentally or physically but i deserve that. I have taken into consideration what everyone has said about aftercare, it seems I su ck at doing this on my own, even tho its very hard for me to reach out to others and accept help but I am going to try seeing a psychologist. Ive never really been able to stick it out in the past, i leave when things get personal but i will try it with an open mind. Today is hard, i am just trying to get thru it, minute by minute, and not use.
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Hi
I borrowed a friends computer for a moment, I have faith in you, those bumps are just that bumps, not road blocks. I should have my computer back tomorrow and will check in with you, if need be do second by second, whatever works, Still thinking of you and hoping for the best. You CAN do this, you can just stay positive
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Hey Harper, how are you doing today?!!!  POST MORE!!! lol....keep your head up girl :)
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Morning

  Wanted to check in to see how you are doing, hopeing everything is going well for you and you are progressing at a rate that makes you happy, stick to it, you can do it, we all have faith in you.
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Ive been using. I go to bed each night wanting to be sober saying tomorrow i will wake up and NOT use and then i wake up in the morning and i just feel like sht and am depressed and just say whatever im getting high and do it. I am very depressed, i think using makes me happy....it doesn't. I felt better when I was trying to get sober, but yet im still using. Its frustrating i want to throw my head through a wall. i dont get this disease i dont get what the hell i am doing. I am screwing things up in my life, all i want to do is be alone and get high and have the world leave me alone. what is wrong with me???? A few yrs ago if i had seen myself now i wouldnt have believed it, my actions, thoughts, I honestly would not believe this was me. Its like now I dont even let myself fight it, i just get high and try not to think about it to avoid the guilt and shame and anger but of course that doesnt even work. Its miserable.  anyways, if anyone wants to respond, i appreciate it, but honestly, dont waste ur time on me, and i mean that not, saying that to ttry to make people feel bad. its the truth, maybe im not ready i dont no but im wasting ppls time. And i really am sorry about that to everyone.
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Dude.  Calm down.  As long as you keep trying that is what matters.  You can fall a million times but just so long as you get up one more time than you fall down.  Someone else said that in one of the threads...you gotta keep going.  You KNOW that you don't want this.  You KNOW you want your life back and the old you.  Don't say that you aren't worth it, because you ARE.  I think that you need to look into seeing a counselor/psychologist or something along those lines.  You tried to do it by yourself, but it's obviously a lot deeper.  Maybe you can get on something for the depression and that will help greatly when you try to detox again.  Read the first post that pops up when you come to this thread....it's my post saying that you are NOT giving up.  I"m not letting you.  So don't even think about it anymore.  You gotta keep your head up and not let the addiction overcome you.  Go read my story again, you don't want that life.  And you don't have to have it.  YOU CAN DO THIS HARPER!!!!!  And stop disappearing from here!!!  Keep posting when you feel down and depressed and want to use, we will help you.  I wish that I were your real life friend so I could help you more :( Just please get back up and try again!!!!
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You can do this and you are trying so hard -keep trying.If we all did it on the first or second or third that would be amazing but for some it just takes alonger road and a harder time doing. It does definatly sounds like you need to get into some kind of counseling sooner then later.And as Tiffany said YOU ARE NOT GIVING UP. You can do this!!! You can!!!!
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Hi

  Your not wasting anyones time, we are always here for you, i will be the first to admitt it wasnt easy at all, I may make it sound that way sometimes but it wasn't I just down played some of the feelings I had and some of what was going on, It was pure hell, no doubt, and today still I am depressed and don't know why. You CAN do it, it may just take lowering the tolerance to a level you can, thats what I did, and it still hurt but I did it. You will when your ready, and I am sure everyone will be here for you, Just please don't give up all together, you CAN do it, you really can.
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Morning

   I thought i would check in on you and see how you are doing, I hope and trust that you are doing okay, I have become a little worried since I haven't seen you on in a few days, if your using that is fine, I slipped up also and I beleive you said it was just a hiccup and said I could do it, and gave me encouragement. So, you can do it, as I said earlier you may have to lower your tolerance first, and that can be hard all on it's own, but you can do it. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that everyday is a little less. You can do this, have faith in yourself , we all have faith in you, and please keep contact.
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Hey Harper, hope that you are doing okay today, have you found any counseling or anything??  Please post :)
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Avatar_f_tn
Harper I hope you know how many people in here really truly care about you and are praying for you.  I was out of town for awhile and away from a computer but I haven't stopped thinking about you or praying for you.  You need to hang on to hope even if it is only a small sliver of hope that you can muster up. You can do this regardless of what the negative talk in your head says.  You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.  You do not want to be on here (not saying this is a bad place to be) when you are 50 years old and realize, like I have, how much of my life I have totally wasted!  I pray you post soon whether you are using or not.  We care about you, period, as a person and people come with habits - good and bad.  We all accept you as a whole.  I don't come on here and look when people relapse and think that they are not worth my time.  Heaven forbid that someone would have done that to me.  I would have never made it. You are always welcome on here.  This is such a fantastically supportive place.  It is truly awesome and I know you will find the love and support you need to succeed. It is not easy by any means. No one said it would be.  It is hard to think we are worth it when we always judge ourselves so harshly.  I am here to tell you that we think you are worth it regardless of how you feel about yourself.  Try and hang on to that for awhile.  Take care and I hope to see a post from you soon.      
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Morning

  Haven't seen you on larely, I trust everything is okay and you are hanging on, I wish you would post  even if you have used, it would let us know your alive at least, Everyone goes through struggles, I know I am and do everyday, but I worry about you, Yes you may have had a couple of hickups but you can do this, even if at your own pace, sometimes that is just easier.
  Hope to hear from you, as I said we all miss you and worry about you and are here for you when ever,,,
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I have fallen back into old patterns. Ive been using everyday as if I never stopped. I have been in this cycle for so long now. It breaks you down. I feel hopeless, like ill never be able to break this. Maybe thats just the drugs talking to keep me using. Its like I know I need to stop but I dont have the desire it takes. I need to find the strength to stop though but every night I say this is it, tomorrow I will detox and stop and then the morning comes and I feel sick and I just give in and then feel even worse about myself and even more dissapointed. This is the wost cycle. Its like i want to numb all the feelings of shame and disappointment i have and i just get high but it doesnt even work anymore. THe drugs stopped working a while ago and yet i still use. I wish i had better news. I havent posted because i dont want to involve anyone in this because it will just be disappointing, each time i say to myself i will stop and i dont. Im sorry. I know I need to stop though, the detox i went thru was so horrible and im scared to have to go thru it again and i have little hope that ill stay sober even if i do make it thru the detox.
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Harper!  You have no idea how good it is to hear from you. :) :)  I am not going to try to be mean here, but at some point one of two things is going to happen.  I too know how bad withdrawls get and just exactly how scary they are.  Been there, done that many times myself.  They suck and they aren't pretty. But back to the one of two things, you will either quit at some point or you will end up dying.  Again, I am not trying to be mean at all.  Tolerance levels grow and grow and it required more and more drugs as time goes on to achieve the same affect we once had.  Enough of that.  Please keep posting no matter what you do.  We honestly and truly do care about you and want to be there.  I would like to give you my cell number if you have a cell phone and would like the number.  Just let me know.  Hang in there honey!
  
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Hey hun,

First things first...you need to sit down and take a breathe. You relapsed, okay? Now you need to decide if you want to get clean. I don't think you would be here unless you did so you have to reach down in deep and get this done. You are not a loser--you are not a disappointment and the drugs are making you feel ashamed. Break this cycle now because you are worth it and you can do it.

How about you start off by creating a new post. This one is very long and unless someone reads every single post they will not be able to follow you. If you start a new post you can start your withdrawal.

I have so many things I want to say to you like "you will have to do it sometime", etc., etc. but you know all of this. I HOPE you want to do this now. You have the support of the members here so if you can't support yourself, then lean on the people here and get it done.

It is not going to be easy and you will need to do things different then you did before but it IS doable. I don't think you are a bad person and I have faith that you can do this.

I hope to see you in a new post, with a new attitude for a new beginning.

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Avatar_f_tn
Hey, no biggie, move on.  Listen they dont call this a battle without good reason.  Win some lose some eat some take some.  Important thing is to kewp fighting until u win.  Try mr. new hope's advice and forget it and move on!  Good luck harper!

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To everyone,
Thank you for the responses. I know this is a dead end road and I need to get off this track. I know it leads to nowhere. The darkness, shame, self hatred, that comes on this path ive felt it at all. It stopped being fun a long time ago but im still stuck using I guess.

IBK,
I want to start a new post and a "new beginning" as you said. I have little hope but your guys words help. If you guys havent given up then maybe I shouldnt either. I could try to start a new post tomorrow...I already have used today. Maybe if i start a post then ill at least have ppl to be accountable to tomorrow morning and maybe that will help me to actually stand by my word tomorrow.

This last detox was teh worst ive ever had probably and  Icant believe how easily i just went back to using, and now i have to start over. My tolerance is so high and the wd's are so bad and thinking about going thru that again just makes me sick thinkign about it. But i know i have to do it and the longer i keep doing this the worse it will be...i cant believe how fast i go right bak to where i was and how bad it gets so quickly. It feels like ive been using again for months iand its been like a week or two maybe. I wake up sick in the morning again, i think ive got he ll to go thru again.
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I will be having coffee at around 7 am and will wait for your new post. Think positive thoughts--YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

No more thinking about this tonight. All you are doing is beating a dead horse. Get some rest and tomorrow is a new day.

You are going to be okay..I honestly believe that. So we will see you in the morning!!
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thank you.
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im already getting scared and nervous for tomorrow.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI try not to let  fear into the equation its always worst in our minds then it turns out to be your going to be fine you havent been back on them that long .....yes you will feel it but it wont be like the first time you ever did this just remember attitude is everything and having a positive attitude will do morec for you then any other thing this is truly a battle one or lost in ones own mind .....keep posting for support and just know you can do this ....good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
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Morning

   I don't know what to say, as I am new to this also, except you have it in you to do, and I know you can do this, I feel it deep down in my soul, I am always here as a ear for you if you need to vent or just talk. You can do this you realy can, and like you told me, look at the positive that will come, I thank you for all your support, so I will try to do the same.
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Avatar_f_tn
My stepson just got arrested Monday night for intent to distribute and three counts of controlled pills. We found out he's been smoking Roxys. Does anyone know when he may start to go through withdrawals ? We don't know how much he was doing or for how long but he had horrible mood swings and we found straws everywhere and tin foil so he was smoking them and doing Xanax and pot and acid.
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