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2107676 tn?1388977459
Day 10 and scared
I had to take lots of imodium today.  My stomach is very upset and my head is aching.  I want to curl up in a ball and try to sleep. I had those crazy phone calls yesterday from someone I don't want calling and now I have to face the 4pm appt today with the addiction counselor.
I am so scared now.  I feel sick.  I don't want to go but know I have to go.  Ugh, how did I get myself into this mess?
I just feel panicky and sick.  Hopefully the imodium kicks in and the headache goes away.  
5 more hours and I really don't know what to expect.  I hope it's not another let down.
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4391493 tn?1353942627
Correct me if im wromg...  Be weary of taking a lot of imodium. From what ive heard imodium actually binds to your opioid receptors. You can have WDs from imodium BEWARE.
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2218783 tn?1357574681
Pat The Immodium will help your stomach  You were right to take it. It will help you with stomach issues fast!
and I Know you are very nervous about going to this appt. today Just breath and remember you are taking steps that will ensure your sobriety. I know its scary walking into a place like this but you are NOT ALONE Take each one of us with you put us in your pocket we will support you and  carry you when you cannot walk yourself. please just try a relax I know your stomach hurts but when the immodium kicks in and it will help get out for a walk stay busy dont sit and over analyze  your fear too much. remember you can do this .
The unknown is always scary but you have to do this to help yourself  and make the changes needed.
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Thanks so much for always supporting me no matter what.
I will keep you in my pocket today.  I am going to need you.
My stomach is feeling better and I am trying to eat some light foods.
I have to do this and I don't know why I am so afraid.  I guess you're right, it's the unknown.
3 more hours lol. Ugh.  I have been through so much worse, don't know why this would upset me so much.
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4149717 tn?1389507161
You are wrong. Its has the same chemical makeup as an opiate but its not an opiate and does NOT cross the blood brain barrier!  So it has effects on your GI tract like an opiate ie:constipation but you do not "w/d" from it!

Pat, you got this honey! Im there with you in spirit and im  proud if you! Youre going to make it through this and come out stronger!

Xo
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Good job on 10 days Pat! You can do this and we are here to support you. Let us know how the meeting goes and keep your head up girl! We are all cheering you on!
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Thanks hun
I know I'm being a wimp.  I wish it was one on one but it's not and I have to deal.
Thanks for your support.  You're all going with me lol.
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2083449 tn?1381358308
Hi Hon! Try not to be scared! Keep an open mind! This is a very positive step! We will be with you in spirit! It's going to be fine! You have worked so very hard and have come a long way! Please let us know how it goes! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Thanks so much.
I have huge pockets to carry all of you.
I am going to start to get ready.  A long shower should help wash away the negativity.
Thanks again and I will let you know how I make out.
Love to all
Pat
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1801781 tn?1461633069
Pat, I know you are determined and with all my good wishes..I hope you make it and find some help.  There is NOTHING you can tell the therapist that will upset them or judge you.  They want to help....let them....I know it is scary but, you have been to hell and back..how is a therapy session going to beat that?  You can do this!
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1077186 tn?1261168537
Dear Pat, I don't know you, but you are certainly no wimp! To make it 10 days is soooo courageous. I envy you. Keep fighting! You are worth it :)
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4271307 tn?1353468375
^^^^^^^^  I Completely Agree!  ^^^^^^

Ten days is awesome. I have such week will when it comes to this stuff. I have to separate myself from people and situations. it *****. I look up to people that make up their mind to do something and then follow through, especially something like this.  Good for you, now give that counselor something to say, "Great Job!" about.

Good luck.
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me to =/,....
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495284 tn?1333897642
The fear of the unknown is always scary but at the same time it is good to travel a different path.  Many doors open when we allow ourselves to step out of our safety zone~ You got this girl!
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I'll be waiting to hear how the appt went...

On another note...there's a way to BLOCK a phone number. Call your phone company and tell them the problem. I've done it here but I'm not sure how to do it for an INTERNATIONAL call...That guy's such an idiot!!  
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2107198 tn?1336139706
Hang in there Pat, your doing great.  Do not worry about the Imodium, you should be fine.

Bryan
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Hi Pat! Im sending you big (((hugs))) and love and support today. I too was so afraid to go see the counselor. For me it was a HUGE step but when I went I felt so relieved! I realized I was scared because I was taking a step to make me better. I was so used to feeling like a piece of sh*t all the time,,used to being sick. I was scared because I had NO idea what laid ahead of me. Life. Life was ahead,,a real life free of pills and the bondage that they had over me. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Pat. Congrats on 10days!! You made it! Youre doing it! There is a life out there that is pill free! I know its hard to believe. Im so proud of you.((hugs))~Bkitty
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Woohoo congrats on 10 days lady! Tomorrow you will be setting new records :) You will do just fine at the Therapy session, you have all of us here rooting for you! Keep me posted on how it goes! :) xoxo
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2218783 tn?1357574681
Hi Pat! i keep looking at the clock and looking to see you post I Hope the appt went well I think you are going to feel this big sigh of relief once you get there and get in.
I Hope the immodium helped settle your tummy and the long shower helped ease the anxiety!
I am actually excited for you because today going to this appt. is a positive step in the nright direction no matter what happens you are opening up doors for yourself. (((HUGS)))
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Hi Pat,

It can be really hard to do anything without drugs once you are used to doing everything with them! I know that you can do this. I am amazed at your posts telling us how you have been cleaning up and making meals. This is just one more thing that you have to "just do." I always find out that seeking help is a lot less scary then I had imagined. I hope you find that out too.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Keep us posted, pat, and let us know how things went!!  Good for you for going to this appt.  This is a great step for you.
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Thanks everyone
You have no idea how much all of your support helped me and gave me the strength to go to the meeting.
There were about 6 of us and 1 guy brought his wife (which pissed me off)  I was the only female other than her lol.
The counselor was female and all she had us do was fill out papers.
I guess it was to analyze our addiction.  Some people were there for drinking, others for both.  The questions were based on both.
There were questions about if family was forcing us to be there, our relationships with our family, friends etc.
They also asked of course about our drug use, what kinds of drugs we have used etc.
I have another appt and I am going to see the same couselor on Dec. 4th.
It was funny because I asked if she did the counseling and she said Yes. I said ":Pick Me" and she said it was random.  Then she gave me my appt. card with her name on it.

I just liked her and felt comfortable with her so I think that's a good thing.  I hope so.  She must have liked me to because she did "Pick Me".

What a waste worrying about it and now it's over and it was fine.  It was really hard to go in and say I was there to see the drug counselor and then we had to wait in an open area but once we got into the private room, it was fine.
Now I can just go in and ask for her by name and not have to worry about other people hearing lol.
So I do have to wait another week to see her but at least I did make that step and I am so glad I did.
Thanks for the push ImDone.  Oh and the walk to and from there was exhausting and freezing lol.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
I am SMILING so much right now!!!  I'm so happy for you, pat, you have come such a long way and have been so brave about all of this (yes, I mean brave).  The steps you're taking now are going to carry you into your new life.  This is really exciting!  Girl, you ROCK.

And how wonderful that you feel you made a connection with her.  This means a lot, pat, so keep going.  And GOOD for you for doing the walk.  I bet you're feeling kinda good about yourself, tonight, aren't you?  Just a little I hope?  :)
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4149717 tn?1389507161
I am SO happy Pat!! I know without a doubt that ur going to do this! You're such an inspiration to me, more than you know!

Proud of you girl! :)
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I'm making believe I'm hugging you right now!!   I'm so proud of you! I think this is really the hardest thing to do after wd's are over. Coming out and taking action is an enormous step. I know how relieved I felt at the time...

Ice cream to celebrate!!
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2083449 tn?1381358308
I'm so happy, Pat! You took a very huge step today, and you lived through it! There is hope! I'm glad you liked this counselor! I think this will be key for your recovery! I can't express how proud I am of you, and how hopeful I am about the future! You are amazing! Nothing else I can say!
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2107676 tn?1388977459
I do feel good about myself and I feel like i made a huge step towards staying clean.  I need help and I found it. Poor girl, I may never shut up once I get talking. lol.  I have a ton of issues and have suppressed so much, she may regret her decision.
Such mixed emotions, even filling out the forms with some of the questions they asked.  I could have cried several times but of course too many men there lol.
I wish I didn't have to wait a week to see her but hopefully it goes by fast.
I AM READY and yes, I am feeling good and positive about it.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Right?  She may run for the hills!  kidding JUST kidding...this is going to be so good for you, you'll see.

And not sure if you've noticed this, but you sound different.  Different because I hear HOPE in your words.  And that makes me smile so thank you for that!
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I am so happy for you! I know this was huge step for you and am proud of you! You are an inspiration to a lot of us here including myself! Congrats on day 10 and congrats on this accomplishment! :) xox
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2107676 tn?1388977459
lol, she may run but she can't hide from me haha.

So nice that you hear the hope that I have.  I feel it too.  Every little job I do gives me hope.
I can't believe how I didn't notice cobwebs and piles of papers when I was high.
Dust was fine with me lol.
So much to do but one thing at a time.  I haven't even made a dent in it yet but I am doing the best that I can.

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1855076 tn?1337118903
Makes me happy to read this.  Love how you said you hope the week goes by  fast and that you're ready for this!
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Maybe she will read all the papers i filled out and think, "this girl needs help and the quicker the better " lol.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Tonight you relax.  Tomorrow you for for a walk, you get something done around the house - you get RID of the cobwebs.. (lol - believe me, I remember how much I didn't see in my house back then SHEESH!!).  But you'll get it done tomorrow.  I am giving you the night off!! :)
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4149717 tn?1389507161
Pat, I think my therapist has now started therapy for herself since meeting me!! hahaha So I understand that!! It feels SOOOO good to  talk about things I have kept hidden for so long!! Your going to learn to love it over time! Its tough, not gonna lie but extremely cathartic!
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4341997 tn?1380655144
so happy for you Pat!!  now it will be my turn next!!  i just need the energy and find the right place to go!!  thanks for sharing this with us!!  you are a brave strong woman!!  xoxoxo  it gives me encouragement!!  
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Thanks to all of you.  I know it is great to see things again but even better to feel again.  Even if it is sad feelings.  It just feels good to feel.
I seriously never realized how good fresh air felt. It's been a long time since i Just breathed it in.  Usually, I was rushing to get somewhere praying that the pills would kick in enough to get through the day and that I didn't lose it with a customer.
Clean just feels good.
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2218783 tn?1357574681
I AM SOOOO DAMMMM Proud Of You I actually Yelled outloud WHEWT WHEWT! ATTA GIRL!

I Knew once you got there and took this step it would be okay so glad she picked you :))))
Smilling Big! For You Ms Pat!
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Haha, you are so sweet.
I am feeling good too.
It was a HUGE step.  Isn't it nice when someone finally listens to advice instead of making excuses about why they can't do it.
Keep an OPEN MIND people who are trying to get clean.
It works.
Thansk sweety for your support.
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Pat.
I'm so proud of you. You've came a long way fast baby. Just keep doing the right things. It will lead you to the right places. I'm so so proud your getting help. I hope your proud of yourself. Your getting stronger every day. I promise you. I'm so so proud of you. This is gonna be the best of the best things you've ever done for yourself.

Ice cream sudaes for you......much support.
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Well it's now Day 11 and I woke up with some chocolate all over me again.
I have to move it off my bed lol.
Chocolate and walks really work for cravings.
I haven't been walking in my sleep that I know of but I still wake up feeling exhausted but it's getting better.
My energy is SLOWLY returning but I have a long way to go.
Every body part hurts, partly from the fibromyalgia and partly from pushing myself to do things.
It feels good though.  It feels so good to accomplish things.
I have a long way to go and lots to do but I am proud of what I am doing.
I will not get overwhelmed.  
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2107676 tn?1388977459
So reading over the paper they gave us at the assessment and this is what they say: We provide a range of community outpatient addiction treatment services for people who have concerns about their substance use.
They also say they provide treatment to all persons regardless of race, creed, age, gender or sexual preference.
Then and this is what surprises me,  We also have a residential program for MEN.

What about women??  I was the only woman there last night looking for treatment, along with about 5 men.
Do women suffer in silence?
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2218783 tn?1357574681
I am so proud of you Pat You will see you have many choices of programs
That is odd though about residential programs for Men and yes what about women?
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2107676 tn?1388977459
I know and there are so many women on here looking for help, it really makes me wonder if women don't reach out enough for help.
Do we prefer to do it alone?
I know I thought I could until I failed so many times doing it alone.
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2083449 tn?1381358308
Hi Pat! Day 11, Yippie Skippie!! Just a question, does the Chocolate Fairy visit you in the night? I wish she would visit me!

I find that strange that they offer residential treatment for men, and not women? I wonder if not enough women seek help with addiction! In some ways it makes some sense. I think it is much more difficult for women to ask for help! At least it is for me.

Have a great day! Carry on and move forward! And remember, "Whistle while you work"  :)
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495284 tn?1333897642
Maybe it is the other way around Pat and the men are not coming forward like the women.  Whatever the case may be you are now moving forward and have another appt.  That is a good thing!
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Yes, it's all good.  That just surprised me.  I really wish that appointment was today but I will be that much cleaner and clearer headed when I go.
I am really looking forward to it.
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