Day 11, emotions and pain HELP

[road2recovery]

I don't even know where to begin...Triggers are hitting me in every way..First off, Sleep is none,, RLS is still not good but getting better..
But to be honest with everyone here, i am having some really bad cravings, someone tell me it is going to get better...My house is a mess..i wash cloths dry and it stays on the couch..i used to iron and put it in my kids closets.
now when they look for cloths they have to look on the couch, even for socks!!
For every mom here , please tell me it gets better than this ****..
i hate this..i just need some support right now..
i know it is late and i might get some tommorrow..That is ok..i just need some moms to tell me that they did that too....So i dont feel like such a bad mother...
i hate this, lately i pray for energy, not sleep, just energy to do what i am suppose to do for my kids...i feel like such a bad mom being clean
thanks r2r

[angel47630]

I am on a massive taper.    I had let so much go because of these dang pills.    I used to think the pills made me super mom and then after swallowing so many of them I realize I am supermom withOUT the pills.    

I have not stopped using yet as I am in the midst of my taper.  I am however down from 20 to only 5 and I feel like a new person.   I am very sorry for how you feel and the guilt we have as moms is overwhelming, isn't it??    

I look at my son, who is 14 and think he was only 11 when I started this mess..........I started on all this legit and only this year did it spiral, but still, it is very, very hard on me to know I am a mom and an addict.    

There is one thing I can tell you,   I come from an extreme emotional abuse situation as a child.    My parents called me names, made fun of me, told me I ruined their lived, the said I made them physically ill to look and would go for periods of time when they would totally ignore me.   It was horrific.    Yes, I have gotten into a mess with these pills and so have you, but you and I have NOT abused our kids nor have we destroyed them in anyway so if your kiddos have nice clean clothes, be it on the couch or in their rooms, they are loved, supported and happy as mine is then we will all be fine.

Best wishes to you and reall, it will be ok!!!
I am proud of you,
Karen

[FLaddict]

Aw honey... just breathe.... relax... It will get better.... your body is just wiped out right now.. it just went through hell getting all that sh it out of your system... .. Do you wanna talk??  I am home alone right now if you wanna call me.. you have my number..

XOXO

[road2recovery]

You just brought tears to my eyes...Thanks for saying that at least they have clean cloths..

But oh my what you have been through,,i am so sorry...how could parents say that about a child??
Girl have you went through counseling? that is terrible...Abousoulty terrible..
But it seems that it made you a better parent ..I can't imagine what you went though??I fell bad when i am i going through w/d's and get moody towards my kids..
girl, thanks for making me feel better~
But right now i can't help but think about what you just posted
how many kids do you have?
if u don't mind me asking/
And how are u doing?
my heart is greatfull for what you just said.....i am so sorry for what you had to go throught
r2r

[marcatj]

sweetheart... Day 11 was my WORST. i was a depressed disaster... I even posted here that day asking the same stuff you are...

with every day, you will feel better.  and the cravings definitely get less... i think today and yesterday were really only the days i had them.

the sleep takes a while, but slowly gets better.  the L-Tyrosine is really helping with energy -  on day 11 I had ZERO.  now on day 18 (19 now I guess) - one week later - it's like night and day.

Just hold on sweetheart.  i bet ya feel a whole lot better tomorrow....

xoxox
with luv,
mj
ps - you can do it!!!  keep going!!!  :-)

[road2recovery]

i will keep going but damn it is hard..The sleep is terrible...but i thank god everyday for the job i have that i don't have to work if i don't want...When someones post about they cannot work it breaks my heart because i cannot imagine having to go to work like this...i really mean that..i can go to work but never give my all..
When someone post about they cannot take off of work and go through this breaks me..Because i can't imagine..Even on day 11...Much less when they are trying on day 2 to 5..i admire everyone trying to do that...when they have to support the family..That is why i am so gratefull and i mean this , that i don't have too...And sometimes on here i get upset when someone says you need to go away and get help and work comes later?  i do understand that ...But how do you do that???
i mean having to support the family and kids??
it has to be so hard
so anyway got off subject....But i praise any man and women that has to support their family going through this...
thanks mj you are one that i love to read your post....always.
steph i would call but you are an hour ahead and i hate to keep u up,
But i may anyway..lol
stehp you ( any many) are why i am here on this 11 day..Thanks from my heart.
love u all
r2r
still scared i won't lie, triggers everwhere i turn....

[lovemysobriety]

Darlin, you will be alright! Keep going! Put as many days as you can between you and those life suckers! I know you can do it. Your energy will return. You have to heal yourself. Take a multi-vitamin and some B vitamins. Drink LOTS of water, and take hot baths or showers. Get some aromatherapy oil and use it. Candles, whatever you like. You are a wonderful mother for wanting something more for yourself and your children. I raised my kids addicted. On and off, but I'd give anything to take it all back and be sober. ANYTHING. I know you feel like hell now, but you feel so much better soon. I promise. Just remember that all your "Feelings" are normal. This a normal process the body has to go through to heal itself. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm living, breathing proof. As are so many of us on here.

Prayers to you.

[FLaddict]

Girl I overslept this morning... I am off tomorrow... don't you dare think you are keeping me up.. Its only 115am here... hubby won't be home til after 4am.. so if you need me or just want to talk to get your mind on something else.. I am here... my phone is on..

You are doing amazing hun.. don't let dirty clothes bring you down... if you saw my house right now you would be appauled..and i am not even on day 11... i am 3 months in and my house is a mess.. so what.. those things can wait.. you are taking care of you right now... the kids can learn to do their own laundry.. I learned at 9 yrs old... or take it to one of those Wash-Dry-fold places.. its only 75 cents a pound.. don't let it get you down.. you are doing great and you should be damn proud of yourself.. I know I am so very very proud of you...

XOXO

[marcatj]

we're all scared....  i know how ya feel, punkin.

but together, we can do it.   and you're doing everything you can, so feel good about that... really.

xoxox
mj

[road2recovery]

Thank you...it is good to know i am not alone...you are right together we can do this..
I am so happy i have found you all..
love you all
r2r
And like you said very scared, buut every day is a new day ., and 11 days is great for me..I know it is not alot...But it is alot for me.
can't wait till i can say a month, are a yr...and help people..that need like i do rght now

[FLaddict]

You need to fill out a profile so we can send you private messages here... that way when i am on and i want to tell you something i dont' have to log into my email...

C'mon girly make your name blue... everyone is doing it..LOL  and it will take your mind off everything else for a few minutes..

XOXO

[road2recovery]

Thanks so much for you post..u have no idea how you help me tonite, u and the rest here..
i wish we can all get together one day.  that would be great...
r2r

[lovemysobriety]

No problem! You're a sweet soul. You've come so far. One morning very SOON you'll wake up and realize you've slept through the night. Another small milestone. Celebrate every single one of them.

hugs...

[willruthie1965]

The worse thing about addiction is when you are clean all these bad feeling are right in your face.Everything you did or didn't do for your children is magnified. It will get better promise.. Yourchildren love you and I am sure they dont mimd finding their socks.. RUthie

[catrunning]

Hi - I'm new to posting, but have been lurking for sometime.    I am now on Day 10 CT, and there is absolutely no way I could have gone this far without the inspiration from this Board.   Withdrawals are such a lonely thing to go through - its not like you can just talk about it and even if you do, most nonaddicts have absolutely no sympathy.   I just can't imagine going through this with young children - road2recovery must be a very strong woman.

But it was Angel's parents that really struck a bell with me.     My parents were also cold, critical and very unloving.    Except....when I was sick, or so I thought.    My mom would give me a pill or two of Emperin Codeine along with a shot of brandy.   Now, her real motiviation was probably to knock me out so I wouldn't bother her.    But  I confused the warmth and just the really good feelings from those codeine  with love and security and to this day still seek that feeling.

[LIZZIE LOU]

aaawwwhhh sweetie...sorry you're still struggling.

a little story...

when my dad passed away 16 months ago...it was the worst pain i have ever experienced.   no one that i had ever really loved, had left me before.   after i took care of everyone else and their pain, i basically collapsed...depression set in and took control.  i became physically ill...unable to function.   i stayed in my pajamas most of the time and only left the house when i absolutely HAD to...but then i came home, shucked the clothes...and back into the jammies.   thank God that i didnt work and that my boys were grown.

i could still be like this...16 months later...if i had not decided to work on myself.   i woke up one morning and said, "enough is enough".   it was on that day that i made a conscious decision that it was time for me to live again.   it was sooooo hard sweetie...and my psyche fought like hell to keep me down...but i wanted to live.   like you, my life was a wreck...so i sat down, with phone in hand, and started the process.   it went something like this...mini maids...manicure and pedicure...color and cut... and a little shopping trip for me (always makes me feel better).  this was the start of working on "me".

i know that you are physically not feeling much better yet, but dont forget the mental aspect of your process.   the depression will make your physical symptoms much worse.  so...what i am asking you to do is to take a step, each day, to work on this part of the process.   do something...every day...for you.   dont cave into those gloomy feelings...but instead think about all that you have been through and what you have accomplished.   get up...right now...and go and look in the mirror.   if that person you see is not smiling at you...then smile at her...because she is a beautiful woman...a loving mother and wife...and she is clean from opiates.  now that's what i'm talkin' bout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one more thing...go to stephanie's profile and read what she has written about being happy.

big hugs sent to you my friend...and you know i'm always around to talk. :)

kim

[angel47630]

Hon, you can ask me ANYTHING.    I love being here and am open to discuss it all, that is the only way to get well.

I don't know how a parent destroys a child and then blames the child.   My father was violently abused as a child and it turned him into a monster.    I suppose he just cycled the abuse.   His were words.   He is the meanest person, as is my mother, I have met to date.    

I have been in counseling for almost 15 years, thanks for asking.   The abuse showed up in many ways...................anorexia ( which I;ve beaten).........severe ocd ( which I;ve beaten)..............then horrible panic attacks and full blown agoraphobia ( which I've beaten)............now it is rearing it's head as drug addiction................which I WILL beat!      I am a winner, but this past of mine keeps nipping at my heels.  

My son is 14, and the light of my life.    Even though I have suffered a lot in life with all those struggles, I am proud to say I stopped the cycle of abuse in my family history.   For that I am happy.    

I will always struggle with the way I was treated, it was too awful to just get past I suppose but I have learned wonderful coping techniques, I just loose sight of them when in emotional pain.  

MY husband is the most supportive, loving person and I should just turn to him instead of other ways but I read this article that when you are terribly abused as a child, you most always end up abusing your own family or yourself.   I am just glad I chose myself!!

road, that is why I say, don't worry about the laundry or if mommy is a bit grouchy or if the dust piles up a bit til you get on your toes, your kids will NOT grow up to eat pills because of those things, they will know they are loved and that their mom was there for them.    

Can I ask about your kids?   :-0     How many and how old?      I am a stay at home mom and even homeschool my son and always have.     My life is wonderful, it is me who keeps choosing to mess it up.      

My counselor once said that a person can get in such a cycle of pain as a child that as an adult when you are away from all that pain you then have to find a way to inflict some on yourself because that is your norm........................makes sense, huh?

Just always keep that guilt at bay about the little stuff.    

Thanks for caring.................and again, I am so proud of you and have been following your story.  

Blessings to you,
Karen

[VOsRose]

Hey, girl.  I'm sorry to hear that day 11 was so hard for you...I remember when I was on day 11 (the detox I did in April...this time day 11 was okay).  On Day 11 back then I still couldn't lift my arms in the shower to wash my hair...I felt like I had 50 lb. weights tied around my wrists...it would take all the strength I could muster just to take a shower...then I had to rest for an hour before I could even think about drying my hair, which would wear me out and I would have to rest before I could even think about putting on any make-up or getting dressed.  But...I did it every day.  On day 11 I hadn't had anything to eat in 11 days!  I had lost weight (and become totally dehydrated) to the point I looked anorexic...my skin looked like it was hanging on me.  I looked in the mirror and saw an 90 year old woman...a glimpse into the future that was frightening...let me tell you.

I had to FIGHT to get my strength and motivation up.  I began forcing myself to eat...it was hard.  Every bite was painful and every thing I did took all the strength I could manage.  But each day got better from there...by day 14 I rode my Harley, with Tim, across Houston and went to dinner at a steak house and forced myself to eat a whole filet and baked potato.  As soon as I got mad about feeling so weak and helpless, I began fighting back and it only took a few days to get my strength and motivation back up to a managable level.

You're doing better than I was...I would wash clothes and we'd have to wear them out of the dryer!  LOL  I never made it to moving them to the couch...that took too much strength and energy.

Here's the deal, girl...You're feeling down on yourself and like you're a "bad mother".  You couldn't be more wrong...you're a great mother and getting yourself clean is the BEST gift you can give your kids, your husband and most of all, yourself!  So...hang in there...IT DOES GET BETTER.

Love you!

Rosie

[beachtowel]

you have to change your life girl........May I ask you what your doing for after care since you stopped using?
What are you doing about recovery.....are you going to meetings? are you seeing a counselor?

Your brain was effected with your drug use and needs time to heal.....it took me 14 months to sleep 8 hours after I stopped using........for many month two hours was the max I could sleep.....

depression comes what are you doing about that?

Just curious did you make a plan for your after care?

[beachtowel]

How old are your kids I was just wondering I wonder if you were honest with your family and let them know how you feel and what your going through.......
You mention washing clothes and they only make it to the couch.....are you kids old enough where they can help mom with the wash.......even do it for her if need be........
Why can't hubby lend a hand for a little while and help out with the wash too.........

Does your family know whats going on?

[VOsRose]

Oh, yeah...beach's comment above reminded me of what else I wanted to tell you...it was during this time that I finally taught my 15 year old daughter how to sort and do laundry...something that, by being an addict, I had been remiss in doing...along with a lot of other things I should have been teaching her.  When I was using it was always just easier to do things myself.  I was always edgy and very short on patience, so I never took the time to "teach" anything.  I'm not the most patient person in the world, anyway, and really wasn't when using pills!  Just another way I failed my daughter as an addict...I can't go back and change those things and the missed opportunities, but I can make them up to her by never using again and being a super present mom from here on.

I'm lucky in that she's an awesome kid and, despite the fact that she's almost 16, still thinks her mom is very cool and loves hanging with me.  She calls me everyday, sometimes more than once, since we've been gone just for a "check-in" and to let me know how school is going, etc.  

I'm thinking about you and hoping today finds you feeling better if not great!

xoxoxo
Rosie

[beachtowel]

road this is when you need your family more than ever to help and be in your corner...........

[Savas]

They're right. Have you explained to them what you're going through? Are they old enough to understand and "help"? Just telling them "Mom's gonna be sick for a while, but if you all chip in, it'll help ALL of us." can be very cathartic AND a relief for you, in many ways.

As long as the kids are clean (reasonably!), fed, and not off joining gangs or the republican party, you're doing okay. Heck, you're doing better than most, luv!

[marcatj]

Angel - you are an amazingly strong woman.  An inspiration to all...

Lizzie - you probably have heard this 1000x already, but a dear friend of mine had the same diag. as your son.  It's 10 years later, and he's the picture of health.  But you likely already have this kind of info.... (but wanted to make sure.)

Nice to be in the company of such strong broads...  and that includes you, Miss R2R... :-)

xo
mj

[angel47630]

You are so right, listen it is those warms fuzzies that felt so good.  I have spent my whole  life trying to "feel" good.   I have had the worst self esteem issues because of my parents and I am freakin' 43!!!!!!!!      You'd think I could get over it, but I can't.  Instead, I now realize I have to DEAL with it.    I never got that before.  I thought you just got over it.    Dang, DUH!  haha

When I started to take more and  more pills the better I felt about myself and the better I felt about myself the more I thought I was over it. but it's all a cycle.  

I am glad that you saw yourself in what I wrote.    Don't get me wrong, I hate that you were emotionally tattered as a child, but if you can see any connection to the drugs and your past, you are miles ahead of the game hon.

Keep in touch, please!!!
Karen

[road2recovery]

Thanks...for every word..
Steph thanks for talking to me until this morning..i am sure you are tired...But i sure needed to vent, can't thank you enough..
Beach---my kids at home are 17, 16 , 7...So yes they are almost adults..But so spoiled that they don't know how to do cloths...i know that is my faulth...And i need to teach them for when they are on my own...My 21 yr old lives on her own, but still bring laundry to me..I know that is terrible...But they have ruined so much cloths trying to wash that i just never ask..My husband told me to stop so they can know what to do when they are adults...So i am working on that..
This morning i talked with them and , to my amazment they cleaned every spot in the house, plus my son is pressure washing outside the house...he said I can do what Dad does om if you would just let me...So i did and he is doing great...i have to allow him to do this beccause my hubby is hardly home..Plus for when he is married..
He is so funny, he lit the barbecue pit, and is putting him some sausage and hamburgers on it...i had to go in the room so he would not see me laugh..he has on his dad's apron( who cooks all the time) The only thing he needs to do now is grab a beer...LOL i would kick his butt..
Beach--All my kids think is that mom is still recovering from her heart attack., yes i have a counselour..i would love to go to meetings when i can get dressed and get there...Since i am an alcoholic i have been to many around here, some i like some i didn't, but i will find my way back there when i can get off my b u t t..At least look decent enough to sit in there...i just don't have enough energy now..But i have you guys...THANK GOD.
love
r2r

[anotherfinemess]

I see myself in so many of your stories.  I am so grateful for the comfort this forum has provided in this most distressing period of my life. I am so thankful that I'm over the acute symptoms of w/d, but the post-acute **** is no walk in the park either.  To have to feel what is real  (without the vicodin providing a false sense of euphoria, confidence, ambition, relaxation,etc) is a rough transition.  Not only the emotional stuff (how dark can it get ?!)
but the residual anxiety and insomnia as the body continues its healing/recovery process.
Group Hug to all the wonderful women on here-- we are stronger than we know!

[beachtowel]

21-17-16- & 7 wow what happened there.........lol

After the first three I would think I would be done...........

[findingtruth]

I am new to posting, but have also, like catrunning, have been lurking for a while.  When I read anotherfinemess' post, I immediately realized that she put into words all of the feelings and thoughts running through my head.  I went C/T on Friday so, I am on Day 3.  I miss that "eupohira" and wonder if I'll ever get my energy back.  Today, Day 3, has been the worst yet.  

Anyway, I just wanted to reiterate how amazing I think all of the people on this board are and once again, wanted to thank all of you for such encouragment.

Btw, R2R - You are a wonderful mother and don't you ever forget that!!!

[NautyOne]

She is a wonder Mother, Wife, and Friend............:-)

[FLaddict]

Girl... I would sit up any night and talk to you if you needed me to... I don't think I was of any use at the end though LOL... I got pretty tired all of a sudden.. I didn't even realize it was after 3am LOL.. but seriously.. anytime... just call or email me.. If I am consious then I am there for you..

XOXO
Stephanie
3 months 4 days