Day 11 clean-Just came home from a meeting & got a phone call that my son (very close to 17) was drinking Friday night

[lookingtofuture]

I will make this short-looking for suggestions-besides the obvious not to let my son over this kid's house again! They have been friends for a few years-never any troubles-always stay here on weekends-so I know what they haven't been doing!! Anyway, I get a phone call from another parent that wasn't happy as her son was at this kid's house too-and she was upset as well. The "flip switch" anger kicked in-(going through the emotions.)
Talked to my son with my hubby for over an hour-swears he only had a beer and it was "nasty"-and a shot of vodka-he was in tears. He is obviously grounded. We talked a bit about addiction and the fact that it runs in families-and starting young is a bad sign.
This kid's house he was at-the mom has always rubbed me the wrong way-goes to bars on weekends-different boyfriends-holds a job but can't say much more about her that I like other than that.(her working)
My "anger" tells me to get my crutches and head over there and give her what for-my son said she wasn't home at first-but did come home while they were drinking (girls there too). My opinion is she should have picked up the phone and called that night-or at the very least the next morning. My son had his moped there-what if he decided to go home? What would you do-besides obviously wait til I can switch off the anger mode?

[lookingtofuture]

I agreed too about not making it a "big deal"-that could backfire on me!!  That balance with teens is a tough one! Teenage years are tougher with some than others-just have to hope you did the right things, said the right things-taught them the right ways,the list goes on. Thanks for responding, and I hope your "teenage years" to come are easy ones!! Thanks again!!

[kimmiek]

I agree with lonote and lurker - they both seem to be firm but kind in dealing with the teen age stuff.  I know that parenting teens isnt easy.  I am right on the cusp, as I have a 14 and 12 yo/ 12 about to be 13 in december.  So i cant give any advise.  My sister, though freaked out about her 17 yo son having a girl friend and so worried about them having sex that she banned them from seeing each other, that they evidentually got preg. and got married.  so its a very tricky time to find a good balance so as not to drive our kids to the things we dont want them to do.  Best of luck to you. I hope things turn out good for you and your kid.  

[lookingtofuture]

I did go and "speak" with the mother. The mom that called me also insisted on going-so she could get her two cents in as well. I think we definitely got our "point" across-that there will be NO next time-that we spoke with police and she could end up in more trouble than she can afford. She came off a bit "so what" like in the beginning-but not after we said that to her. Seems to me she thinks this is "okay" since they were in her house!! My response to that was-"did you ever think we as parents did not think this was ok?" She was very quiet in the end-but maybe she will THINK before she allows that again. I know my son won't be there to give her that choice. Thanks for the advice/encouragement!!

[dove3053]

I agree with talking to the mother. Many parents think it's ok to let underage kids drink--my brother and his wife being one of these people.
They are good parents but don't seem to see any harm in it. They are highly educated and should no better.

Talk to the Mother. It can't hurt and only help.

Dove

[Summer123]

Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this when newly clean.  Sounds like you handled it very well though.  I would talk to the boy's mother for sure.  Tell her it is not only illegal, but if something happens to one of the kids, she can be sued and have her wages garnished forever.  Perhaps that will scare her.  Sounds like maybe your son has already learned his lesson.  It is a great sign that your son's friends like to hang out at your house.  It is time for someone to tell the mother.

[lookingtofuture]

I did not take that the wrong way!! And I apologize if my response to you made you feel that way!! I appreciate everyone's responses-I sent you a message to make sure you got my apology. Thanks for your advice.I hope everyone has a good day today!!.

[lonote]

I never ment you were controlling, or even was implying that, so I think it came out wrong. Please
don't think that. I was just thinking back ,but never ment to compare the two.. So I didn't mean it like that. Okay?   lonote

[lonote]

I never ment you were controlling, or even was implying that, so I think it came out wrong. Please
don't think that. I was just thinking back ,but never ment to compare the two.. So I didn't mean it like that. Okay?   lonote

[lookingtofuture]

Thanks for your response-we are by no means "controlling"-his friends actually like to hang out here-he never wants to stay at someone else's home. We always make them feel at home, and they eat us out of house and home-but-I have always looked at it like this-I know where he is and what he is doing. He has always been a level headed kid. That is why I posted-still going through the emotions, and I have to say even as I calm down-that this woman needs to KNOW she was wrong!! Basically making sure I am not way off base here because I am newly clean. I know I am going through some strong emotions. I have ALWAYS been against kids drinking young-even before my problem with oxycodone!!

[lookingtofuture]

My Drug of choice was oxycodones-not alcohol-but it is the same as far as I am concerned. Alcoholism is in the family-and you are right-he needs to see some of the poor souls wandering-looking for their next drink, drug. I just read an article in the newspaper with statistics-this past week of kids who started drinking at a young age-the percentage of those that would become addicts/alcoholics. Little scared straight ride-kind of. Thank you. Also going to check and see if I threw out that paper!!!

[lonote]

I know my son didn't drink that I know of till graduation time.  I told him if there were going to be partying I wish they would do it here, but they did it at a best friends house where the parents took all keys from the kids upon arrival if they would be drinking. He is in the Navy now and been around the world allready, He turned out good. I lucky. I told him about addiction a long time ago. Chances are if dad and I liked it , you prob. will too and its all addicting. Becareful my mom and dad were soooooo controling, the way I turned out, I am responsible for, they they might as well ran me to it.I coulden't anything, so I kinda went wild. But being a teenager in the 70's and now, the kids are so much wiser now. You sound on top of it tho. I'm in my kids buisness knee deep, always have been. Inqirry minds want to know and so do I damm it. I'm pretty tight with all 4 of them. Cool down a bit, then assert yourself with her. Give her what she obviously has coming. Good luck.  Cathy

[lonote]

I know my son didn't drink that I know of till graduation time.  I told him if there were going to be partying I wish they would do it here, but they did it at a best friends house where the parents took all keys from the kids upon arrival if they would be drinking. He is in the Navy now and been around the world allready, He turned out good. I lucky. I told him about addiction a long time ago. Chances are if dad and I liked it , you prob. will too and its all addicting. Becareful my mom and dad were soooooo controling, the way I turned out, I am responsible for, they they might as well ran me to it.I coulden't anything, so I kinda went wild. But being a teenager in the 70's and now, the kids are so much wiser now. You sound on top of it tho. I'm in my kids buisness knee deep, always have been. Inqirry minds want to know and so do I damm it. I'm pretty tight with all 4 of them. Cool down a bit, then assert yourself with her. Give her what she obviously has coming. Good luck.  Cathy

[lookingtofuture]

I am cooling off-it is tough. I have NEVER allowed kids in my home to drink-and if I came home and found they were-I would let their parents know, whether that night/latest next morning. To be honest-I am not sure that SHE didn't get them the liquor-again she rubs me the wrong way-and does hang out at the sleeziest bar in town every week.
I REALLY feel like calling her tonight-but since it would only be my "anger" kicking in over the phone-going to wait til tomorrow evening. What is wrong with people. Most of these kids were 16 and 17. Not one of them was of age. And bottom line is I just don't trust that she knew it ahead of time. Thank you lurker-sometimes that "anger switch" makes me think first!!
He has always been a good kid-don't want that to change-hence the honest talk about addiction!!!
I told him I have always trusted him-and it hurt to feel like I won't be able to for a while.

[notmenow!]

You did the right thing by talking to your son about the genetics of alcoholism, that he may become alcoholic through no decision of his own. How would he feel if you were to pick up tomorrow and begin to drink again, I am sure he has witnessed difficult situations that took place in your home during the time you were active. And the fact that you go to AA now buy no means you are cured. You are struggling everyday to fight your disease and if he would like to spend the early years of his life developing a lifestyle that could land him in jail or worse within a car full of drunken friends out celebrating life one minute to possibly attending a funeral of a close friend the next. If he has big plans for the future he has already taken one step backwards and each time he chooses to drink with his friends he will continue on that downward spiral, Take him for a ride one day to the worst part of the closest city you live in and show him the proof of lost souls who had a chance at a real life but threw it away. You know the bad areas of time where the homeless wander looking for their next drink for high. In this day and age it is very hard to rescue our children from  what has become a nationwide problem.----------------------------NOAH

[lurker]

Eeek = I have lived thru teenage girls but not boys.  I know that they drank on an occasion or two but they always ended up telling me about it.  Both are in their own apartments now and don't drink.  However, they have had the same addiction runs in families talk your son got.  I would do exactly what you've done.  I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it - by that I mean you've talked about it, he won't be allowed at that boy's home again and he's grounded.  Try now to focus on the positive things he does - keep close track of him when he is out of the house and make sure he knows that ahe has to re-earn your trust and that you'll be checking up on him until you can trust him again.
Now, as for that mom.  I'd cool off a bit too, but I would definitely call and advise her that she broke the law by allowing your son to drink in her home and that while you didn't call the police, you certainly were tempted.  She needs to know that you and other parents know and if anything like it happens again, you will call the authorities.