Day 15.....really confused

[CantFail52]

So the majority of my WD are over I guess. I expected cold turkey to last longer after 10-15 years of use. I still get dizzy if I get up to fast and I seem antsy at night so I take Tylenol pm and sleep comes. But now I have a whole new issue. Last night my daughter said Congratulations on day 14! I smiled and said thanks. But in my head all I could think was BIG EFFING DEAL! What's wrong with me now? Is this some trickster stage? My usage increased greatly the last year when my Daddy died a year ago. Now everything I see or hear or smell makes me miss him and I just want to sit and be sad when I was hoping at this stage I would be getting my energy and motivation  back. I thought being clean was going to make me happy, but I'm not, so ya, what's the big effing deal? Somebody please help me.

[Stoney3300]

any updates for us?

[Stoney3300]

Hi, I just wanted to check in and let you know I am thinking about you and your progress. I hope everything is going ok. I know how sometimes this struggle can feel like it has its ups and downs forever.

[jifmoc]

Hey! What a Evolver said I totally agree with!!!! My mother passed just 5 months ago. I got clean 2 and 1/2 months ago (75 days.) Sometimes I've wondered if I should have "waited" to get clean since I just lost my Mom. What addict thinking!! I have taken my 30 day chip and my 60 day chip in meetings and have said "SO WHAT??!!" I have shared that over and over. From reading your posts I can tell that your expectations are way WAY to high. You are 15 days into having a clearer brain. That is great. BUT, it is SOOO early. We are such addicts: we want to feel good NOW.  Life doesn't work that way. We've done years of damage, but we wanna feel good NOW!! So, now that you feel physically not bad, get aftercare. I would be screwed if I didn't have my daily meetings. That's why it is said over and over. We cannot stay in our own brains and expect to recover.  So please choose one:)

[Sonrissa]

I understand how you feel. My downward spiral stared when my dad suddenly died.  I never grieved properly for him. I just masked all my feelings. When you stop doing that, all those feelings come out. It's ok, let them come. Take things one step at a time. You have to work through them, and you will. You have been given some great advice and support above. I just wanted to add mine as well. You are not alone.

Hang in there and take care.

[Jinx_777]

hit enter too soon.

so sorry about the loss of your dad.  :(

[Jinx_777]

awwe.  don't be so hard on yourself.  what you are going through is absolutely NORMAL.  

opiates blacked out all your emotions and feelings for so long and now they are all hitting you at once.  is it possible to seek a counselor or cognitive behavioral health therapist??  they can do wonders in helping you figure all this out.  hard to do on your own.

don't forget to pamper yourself, to be kind to yourself.  you have done an AMAZING job.  

[CantFail52]

Thanks for the encouragement. I just really don't want to feel like this. I have an app with my counselor later. Maybe that will help.

[Stoney3300]

It sounds like you’re doing a great job. There is nothing wrong with you. Even though you are through the immediate (most painful) withdrawal period it can just take longer to stop feeling off, grumpy, and down before getting back to your normal self. You will get back, but it just takes a little more time.

[EvolverU]

Hi there & Congrats on Day 15! :)

Your poignant post really resonated with me. I think sometimes that our expectations of what detox will immediately do for us can cause us heartache & frustration. A couple of things:

Although acute w/d's will not be significantly longer b/c of your length of use & age, the aftermath -- undoing the neural & spiritual damage that has been done -- does. The longer we've used, the more we've relapsed -- the longer it generally takes to recover our emotional, intellectual & physical equilibrium. A mistake a lot of folks make is to seek the sort of 'energy' or false emotion that we experienced on opiates. Detox & healing is not the straight vector that many believe it to be. Some people become disillusioned because they think they should be feeling better each day after they're over the 'acute' hump. Like many things in life & nature, it's not that simple. Instead of a straight line, it tends to go in cycles & dips. It does get better but it's gradual. Exercise, hydration, a consistently determined attitude ['eye-on-the-prizeness'], a healthy, unprocessed diet, the right supplements, learning new & healthier ways of finding pleasure & of dealing w/ your impulses & true emotions are what will help you. Outside support & interacting with positive, clean people who will 'feed' you are key -- especially while you're going through the extended healing.

Please, understand that what you're going through is completely 'normal' for many of us. You used for quite a few years so it's only reasonable that healing should take a little longer. X'ing the drugs from the equation is a great first step but is not an automatic guarantee of happiness. (Spoiler alert: There's work ahead! :) I promise you that with more time under your belt, you will start to see exactly how far from your real emotions [good & bad] these drugs kept you. Right now, your system is in shock. The outside endorphins you flooded your body with shut down your own & skewed the normal ratios of neurotransmitters that helped you function emotionally & physically prior to your use.

Try to think of this whole journey as an unpleasant initiation into a life of possibility & strength that was impossible on opiates. If you stay the course -- if you follow through with this -- you will not be the same person you were before, you'll be wiser, stronger & more appreciative of the 'smaller' things. The unpleasant changes in energy, emotional 'fire' [my term for it] & restlessness &/or depression are the difficulties we have to bear with temporarily on this path of ours. @ a little over a year & 8 mos of a very difficult detox, I can tell you that I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The good news is that the brain is 'plastic' & can heal but I believe after my own experience & talking w/ others on MH & locally, that we must do everything in our power to help it along.

So, please, Jenny & Cantfail -- Hang in there. Get the support you need & be good to yourselves. You deserve it! :)

[ActingBrandNew]

Getting clean is more than just stopping the use of a substance. Getting clean means that your working through issues that got you there in the first place. Working a recovery program of some sorts. What your feeling about your dad seems very normal. You probably didn't have a chance to grieve sober and now your feeling it all. If you do NA you need to get with your sponsor otherwise you need to talk to someone that can help you process these feelings. Having said that, it's not recommended in early recovery to deal with issues like the loss of a loved one. It can be a key cause of relapse. Hang in there and know what your feeling is quite normal. Start setting up your aftercare plan because not ingesting the drugs is the easy part....dealing wiith the emotional aspect is where the real work starts. God bless

[JennyP34]

Oh gosh....I feel your pain completely.  I've unfortunately been down the withdrawal road more times than I care to admit....including right now, I'm on day 4. What scares the hell out of me every time is knowing that the stage that YOU are at right now is coming....to me it's completely unbearable.  Mentally and emotionally at that stage two things always happen to me....I become extremely blank...no emotions over ANYTHING....it drives me insane because that is so not me, and watching my 2 young kids play together and do something super cute where if I was normal I'd be videoing or at least taking pics....and instead I sit there, totally blank, no feelings at all. And second is like you described the "big f*cking deal" mentality....about EVERYTHING.  It's completely horrible,  every single time I have relapsed, it's been because of those two things....I cant bear to live life feeling absolutely no emotions, and to be annoyed about everything,  I'm going to be going to a counselor this time around who I am hoping can help me to work through those feelings (or lack there of)