Day 2 - Sort Of

[Sean5110]

Yesterday morning I took my last hydro and then went to start a detox program using buprenorphine (I took the two too close together and for a few hours there, it was mighty scary). But things calmed down. The clinic also gave some supplements and a couple of these came in handy last night for a pretty restful sleep: clonidine and doxepin (others were given but I didn't use any: motrin 800, flexeril and donnatal). I will go and get my second of five doses of bup this morning. By Friday, the bup doses will be done but I'll still have some of the other meds mentioned above for following days.

But here is what I want to say: I just know that now is the time to quit. period. I do not doubt that this is the moment and I have to seize onto it for all it is worth. It is true that the mental part of withdrawal is the hardest. I remember on a recent post bmac (Bill) mentioned that during the first days he was always on the brink of tears (he wasn't proud of the fact, nor am I given that I am a 37 year old man with a job and family and just can't live live on the edge of emotional gushing). But I know exactly what he was talking about and I'm there again.

It is difficult to do anything at work, and frankly, that doesn't go over well here. My body is a lead weight and theres a damp towel stuffed tight into my head. I apologize for these downer posts but this is the only place I can concretely communicate my situation to others. Thank you all so much for your support. If you are the praying type, please remember me in the coming days.

Thanks,
Sean

[Chezz]

It is also a bumber since I can't do the things that I love.
I am a pilot. So I can't go flying until I get better.
I also like to Mountain bike, and I can't do that either. We just bought a new 4runner cause I can't drive our sports cars. They sit too low, and the angle of my legs when I am in the seat puts too much pressure on my back. It doesn't even take 5-10 min. of driving before I am in bad pain, plus the numbness now.
So it has affected my life pretty bad.
But I just try and keep my head up and be thankful I have a new doctor who is going to work with me to get better.

I an just hoping the epidural shot will work the 1st time, this time around. It took 3 last time. Plus physical therapy everyday for 3 months. But that is when the pain went down both legs, and I could hardly walk. The same time when my wife almost passed out in the doc's office while I was doing the "back pain" tests. LOL I still tease her.

I'll get through it. I always have. Just have to stay strong and do all of the exercises and stuff that helps it heal.
Chezz

[Chezz]

I am doing better now that I am back on the meds. I have my 1st appt. with this new doc tomorrow. She knows my situation and is going to be doing the epidurals and taking over my pain management.
She also doesn't just keep you on the meds. She knows I have never been on them for an extended amount of time. And that I want to do the same this time.
To be honest, I am kind of scared. She is going to put me on oxycontin. I have heard so much BAD about it that I am afraid of it. But as far as I know it is the same as percocet without the Tylenol. Plus I will only have to take it once or twice a day, so that will be nice. I hate having to take my meds every few hours.
I am really happy that I am finally getting treatment and am going to see someone that cares.
I have been in so much pain the last week, it is refreshing to finally have relief.
Last night I actually slept the whole night, and didn't wake up with the pain in my leg. It is the strangest pain. I have never had pain below my knees. So this is new to me. The numbness really sucks. Plus it makes it hard to walk.
Plus, at night is when I wake up with the pain in my calf. It feels like somebody is SQUEEZING it so HARD.
I'll get through this though. I walk everyday(the best I can). It is just so embarrassing to walk in my neighborhood. I don't like people to see me like this, and then go "What is wrong with him, he looks like he has a stick up his a@#"  
But walking helps, so I do it anyway.
I really just wish I was healthy. It is hard to be 28 and have this type of stuff going on.
So the sooner I get better, the happier I will be.
Chezz

Sorry to hear about GWH. I hope he gets a handle on it. He will come around in his own time. I just hope for his safety.

[groovygirl]

yep, still on the bup in small doses...it will be awhie before i come off it totally.  how are you feeling?

gwh is acting very strangely...i have no idea if he is lurking - i would assume that he is.

[Chezz]

Groovy,

How are you doing BTW?

Haven't really been keeping abreast of everyone since last week.

Is the bup. still working?

Are you going to try and get off it. Or is it better to stay on it for the meantime?
Chezz

P.S. What happened to GWH is he just lurkin' now?

[groovygirl]

ooooh, body bender/yoga...i get it...duh!

[Chezz]

I was referring to you being the one that she was thinking about. That you are the one that does Yoga, and that she was thinking of you when she couldn't remember who talked to her about it.

Sooooooo your the other body bender! :)
Chezz

[groovygirl]

are you talking about me?  what does that mean?

[Chezz]

LilMermaid,

Groovy is the body bender. ;)
Chezz

[athena]

Glad you feel more human today.It only gets better from here on.Dont worry if you still have crying spells.I still do it.I think the dam has been held back for too long.I also think tears help flush out our system.I dont do yoga but I should.I think it would help.Sometimes I go to a site called Ishaah.There are breathtaking water and snow applets.Wolves,cottages etc. The music with each applet is really calming and peaceful.If you enjoy the site,I can give you a lot more.I also have a screensaver that is a coral reef with fish,whales turtles etc.It has the most beautiful whale sounds.SOOOOOOOOOO soothing.I absolutely love nature,it helps me get lost in my own thoughts for a while.Your doing great.Im here if you need someone to talk to.

pixi

[lilmermaid]

Hi Pixi, So far going pretty well today. Hey I'm not crying. :-) Just finished a nice long soak (I have my own recipe for soaking using epsom salts and oils), cleaned myself up and I feel better today! Hubby's coming in and that makes it good. :-) Only had 20 mg. oxy. today so far. I used the Thomas Recipe this morning and did surely feel alittle pep of energy! It didn't seem to bother the meds I had to take this morning. No counteraction. I'm still waiting on the Yoga tapes I ordered to come in. Was it you that told me you do Yoga?  Day 8 is feeling just okay today and that's a good thing! yea baby!

[athena]

What can I say,I have a very talented cat lol She is soooo jealous of this computer.It never fails,when I start typing,she wants attention lol Hey,maybe your cat can type my cat a message...What do you think they would say about us other than the obvious......Were NUTS

Maybe they would say GO VOLS!

pixi

[bmac]

Did I read the post right,you have a cat that types?
UH!!!!I didn't know you could teach a cat to type.Amazing animals tonight,pixi's typing cat.
Oh now I get it,your cat hit the 'post it now' button.Man,I need
to stop smoking this crack stuff,lol
Anyway I thought it was funny as I was watching my cat type this out to ya!!!
                  'Roll Tide'
                      bmac

[athena]

good morning to you also.I hope it really is a good one.

pixi

[athena]

lol,still cracking me up.I love it that you dont take things too seriously.When I read your posts,I would almost think Im reading my own words.We probably were sisters in a previous life,and developing a good friendship in this one.Some things are just meant to be,dont u think?Ok here goes.I worked on neuro unit at the hospital from 89-99.I stuck myself with a needle from a patient with hepatitis.I got B and C lol I always have to do things in a BIG way! I thought i just had the hong kong flu,so i didn't go to the doc for 7 months (IM sooooooo intelligent)by the time I called my doc,I had had a temp of 105 for a month and couldn't get out of bed any longer.To make a long story even longer I let it go for so long that I had some serious damage to my liver.I started taking the hydro for pain and soon realized that it gave me energy and generally made me happy.Untill that time,I just didnt realize how good opiates could make you feel.Thank god I didn't know this while I had access lol I have a 13yr old son who is the joy of my life.he is always asking when I will feel good again....lol I thought the hydro was making me feel good again.the funny part is that for the past year i was only taking about 2and 1/2 mg about 4 times a day,just to keep away those evil w/d.OMG,i've written a book!lol Yes! you are paranoid lol No really i bet people love your cheery posts.Dont stop!Soooooooo your in the land of 10,000 lakes and 1,000,000,000,000 mosquitos lol I lived in up of mich. most of my growing up yrs.I still miss the snow.Anyway.I cant even consider returning to work with my desire for hydro! Im sooooooo weak lol

LUV
DEBBIE

[lilmermaid]

Goodmornin everybody

[peaz]

I should be getting some stuff done, but I wanted to say hi. (I say this EVERY morning--get over it, Diane!!)  Hey--I wnated to point out to you---pixi/peaz----Debbie/Diane (didn't I see that name in one of your posts?) I just think that is SO cosmic, man!  I'm sure we were sisters in another life...  Anyway, I live in Minnesota now, lived in Alaska from '75-'82.  Met my first husband there, had a girl (now 22) and remarried and have another girl (now 15),  So that's a brief history.  There was so much of Alaska I didn't get to see in all the time I was there--it's just too big, and one has to fly in to so many places... I did hike aroung some glaciers, though, and it was awe-inspiring. I was SURE there was a God that day...One more thing---I liked it when you said you like my posts and they crack you up, but am I too flippant on this forum?  Do people wish I would take things more seriously? Should I not post so much?  Should I get treatment for this paranoia?? (A handful of vikes would do nicely.  DON'T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT!)  Fill me in on your nursing gig and what led you to leave.  How could you not have been tempted w/ the narcs????  Luv----Peaz

[athena]

I think I need a shirt that says 'HELP! im talking and I cant shut up! lol I just couldn't leave out my favorite fellow hillbilly this morning lol I cant wait for THE GAME! You know which one lol

GO VOLS!!!!!!
pixi

[athena]

lol my cat posted before I was finished .As I was saying.I know your a little apprehensive about getting back in the real world of work,but it will probably give your self confidence a real boost.hope you and all the little goldens have a wonderful day.

pixi

[athena]

I know your out there lurking and reading lol you dont have to post back,I just wanted you to know that your in my thoughts and prayers.I hope today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be even better.I know your a little aprehensive

[athena]

Where for art thou girl?trying to find a better place to hide the silver?I hope this little family visit is going better than expected.I am going to spend the weekend in a cabin in the mountains with my ex and his fiancee lol and our son...A lot of people think were strange but we are still best friends and his fiancee is a sweetheart.They brought me a beautiful gold leaf bracelet last night.Said it was for being mom of the year.Almost made me start crying,thinking "if they only knew" Oh well,Im going to decorate for haloween today...I get to be the scarecrow...dummy or whatever those scarey looking things are hanging from a tree lol hope you can slip outta sis' sight to keep us up on things.Be good today cin,and for heavens sake,Go get a manicure! It will give you a new perspective lol

pix

[athena]

Good morning...Hope you had a good night.I fell out early.Is this a sign of old age or what lolYou sure hit the nail on the head when you said "when did I lose my confidence" That is exactly what happened to me.When I had to quit my job,for health reasons,I think i left my self worth at the hospital.I feel so low about not working.Of course then i became a hermit lol
back to fun stuff though.I love your Spanish.your posts crack me up.Do you live in Aklaska or did i read the post wrong?I have always wanted to hike the Yukon trail.Maybe i'll do it one day when im in a hoveround lol ok ok so that wouldnt be hiking now would it?For now i'll have to settle for Yellowstone..hope you have a fantastic day.

pixi

[Chezz]

To me the pain medicine, is just that, medicine. I need it when I am hurting. Without it I can not even think when the pain is so bad.
I am no Angel. I have been an idiot too. I have taken more than I should sometimes. I have stayed on the meds longer than the pain. It is all part of the addiction/dependence issue. If there is a chronic pain patient out there that says they haven't done that, they aren't a chronic pain patient.

But without the medicine I don't know how I would get through these episodes. The pain gets so bad sometimes that I will tap/hit my leg just to break up the "steadyness" of the pain.
When I am in pain, I get irrational too. I have called my docs frustrated and told them I would never come back and they can take a flying @#$%.
I did that last week. I was so upset that they just didn't understand. (BTW - these are all new docs to me. Sometimes I feel like they have no idea about PAIN) Then of course I had to call back and apologize. That really sucked.

Dealing with pain is a hard issue. That is why I am so happy to find this place, and all of you great people.
Chezz

Nite nite. ;)
My wife understands this place helps me. And that you guys can "understand" me. She has never had more than a headache. But she also wants me to spend time with her!!! So I am going to try and spend more time with her, and balance my posting out alittle more.

[Chezz]

The last thing I wanted out of the post was for people to think that I wanted "praise". That is why I really didn't want responses.
That isn't what this forum is all about.

I love reading EVERYONE's posts. Some I can connect with more than others. But that is why I have put my email addy out there. So people can let me know if they feel "left out". Especially when they are going through w/d's.

I know the emotional ride it is. I cry like a baby too. It is part of me. I have always been emotional. I embrace it. And I hope everyone else does too.

So to let me know they wonder why I haven't posted makes me feel good. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It helps to deal with everything that is going on.  

I will admit, it is a lot of work. I try to post as much as I can. The reality is I can't post to everyone.

But I can answer emails from the people that want my help. Because then I KNOW they want to hear. They need my support.

I am here for everyone, including myself.

BTW - I didn't flush it for a while. I let em' sit in the bottom. They made a pretty BIG mound. It is funny now. But I was hurtin' like a banchee the next day until it got worked out.

I am brutally honest with my docs, just as I am here.

One time I ran out of my meds in 4 days. Soooo, I went to my pain management doc and told him I took all my meds already. I told him I tried to get rid of ALL the pain. I was frustrated and pissed it wouldn't go away. He couldn't believe I was so honest with him. I was like, well the @#$#ing pain never really ever goes AWAY. The meds take the edge off, and help me function. But I wanted it ALL to take a hike.

Needless to say he had a good laugh. Then told me not to do it again, but he understood. He was just surprised I came to him.

I never knew people took this stuff for fun. It's not naivity, I just couldn't imagine how you could get them unless you were in pain.

Of course I know better NOW. LOL
Chezz

[CinCee]

Ok.

Now before I give the neck a rest, just one (i swear, it's the last one) thing:  Sometimes I read posts during the night when I wake up and can't go back to sleep, but I purposely do not post because that would jazz me up too much, and then for sure I wouldn't be able to sleep.

You were smart to get rid of fiorecet;)