Day 27 clean off opiates

[Krissy_123]

Starting to feel like the detox at the beginning was the easiest part...and that's funny,cuz heck that was hard. Last few days I feel so lost,almost like walking in a dream world. I hate Christmas,it's making me feel suffocated instead of good inside. I've researched all kind of aftercare. Some I find weird and not me. A few ppl did suggest other things that I've looked into and I think I can handle,I feel it's time I pick one or I'm going to fall. I don't like feeling like this,I can't shake it off.

[Krissy_123]

Junip:did you have to talk?? Do ppl stare at you when it's your turn to talk? Do you have to talk on your first visit? Or second...third? What if you're not ready,do they force you too or you're not allowed back?

[Junip]

Hi Krissy,

I just wanted to share with you that I was terrified when I went to my first NA meeting.  I, too, had the perception that everyone there would be hardcore junkies that were completely different than me. After all, I am a successful professional and mom of two young boys.  Well, it WAS scary. BUT, it was also incredibly enlightening and uplifting.  There was every age group, every socioeconomic class, etc.  The biggest surprise to me was how warm and compassionate everyone was.  And nobody was judging me; they were all supportive and kind. To be in a room full of others that know exactly how you feel is so amazing. I was completely humbled.  I, as you know, relapsed and next Friday is my jump date. I will be going back to meetings because I NEED that support. I would encourage you to at least try one.  You are doing so great, it is motivating me!

[gnarly_1]

Hi Krissy good to see you great to see you clean...in the begging when it was just a thought of getting clean I could make it 90 days even 6mo but could not get past that...your disease will scream at you to get loaded and thats when you need a progam some times it nit even that little things can do it also for me I tryed my pastor at church a substance abuse conslor  even a shrink  but it wasent till I hit the rooms of NA that I finely seen growth the meeting are only the start  get to as many as you can you will develop some really true friends that care about you and your disease once you get comfortable ask some one to be your sponcer and work the 12 steps  it truly will set you free   just because where off of the drug does not = recovery  will still left with addictive behaviors the steps will also give you structure in your life  something very few addicts have if your true to yourself and honest it will work for you  if a old dope fiend like me can stay clean it will work for anyone so get to a meeting  this is a critical step  I still go to 4 a week it is a cheep price to pay for recovery..............Gnarly

[Chels44]

Just checkin in to see how you're doing today. Hope all is well. :)

[weaver71]

Awesome post motye, it is surprising just how un-prejudice drugs really are. They pretty much treat everyone equally and are very tolerant of every kind of person. Drugs give everyone a fair, egalitarian and cares nothing of material things. Drugs welcome everyone and so do most 12 step  communities. They don't have those diverse meetings here, but I have been to large gatherings and see suits shaking hands with bikers, hippies swapping howdies with hillbillies. I think a Grateful Dead show is the only more diverse group I've seen. To quote Miley Cyrus, "Pretty Cool."

[motye51]

You know, your not the first person I've heard to say that about N/A.  There does seem to be a bit of a stigma with it?  In fact, it's what I thought before I went as well.....but honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth.  It's not for everyone, so I'm definatly not going to push the idea.  I just wanted to give you a bit of heads up that I learned after going to N/A....I have insurance agents, nurses, teachers, school board members, doctors, housewives, private business owners, under a bridge junkies, hookers, etc....at my meetings.  But we all did the same things to get there????  In my area there is a good mix....and honestly, the more I hear people talk, the more I realize that my area just has a KICK *** N/A group!  I was scared of N/A and anonimity, who was I going to see there???  Me personally, I was seeing a counselor/doctor before going to N/A and they actually scare me b/c I don't want to be medicated anymore!  I know some people need it, not taking away from them, but some of the ****** up thoughts going through our head are just that.....thoughts?  Think through them, don't act on them, I think it's normal to be "fuzzy" headed for awhile after detoxing?  Again, just what worked for me....

[VICourageous]

Time & Patience Girl.
It took me over a yr to come around a bit but to be honest it took almost 2 yrs for the Brain to finally find it's balance. I think this happens mostly to long time users. For yrs now I have gone to all sorts of Support Groups. I had to UP and change my Support around a lot too because of some Heart Breaking things that had happen as I was getting clean..Just go with it and take it day by day and do whatever it takes to stay clean.  Wishing you the best!!!

Bless

[weaver71]

Churches have free conference space that is empty and donate it to the cause. They are at schools, hospitals, churches, community centers, city park buildings, AA/NA is not affiliated with any religion or outside organization, they simply use whatever space is cheap or free and works for their meetings. Christians tend to be against drug abuse too, so they tend to want to help be part of the solution. It is natural to be afraid of the unknown, the more experiences we have and the more we know, the less fear we have.

[Krissy_123]

Haha oops. I ment "heroin* it's not that I'm scared of them, I'm scared of the unexpected. I've been taking my sister to meetings for years,but I've never gone in. And why are they all in churches? Not that it's bad thing of course. But I'm just curious?

[weaver71]

Oh yeah, just wanted to let you know AA is a fine alternative. I found I like AA better in my area, and many people there have had a run in with prescription opiates. Again, addiction is addiction.

[weaver71]

You would be amazed at how similar heroin and doctor prescribed opiates are. Adderral is 3 kinds of amphetamine, cleaner and more pure than that street meth garbage. Cocaine was prescribed, for many years, but somehow opiates and amphetamines are the FDA's acceptable drugs of choice. You may be surprised at how a crystal meth, cocaine, or heroin addict could be one of the best friends you have ever had. I truly do believe that addicts are some of the best people on earth. It's like their hearts are so big, they just want to escape this broken world. Addiction is addiction and those folks are in recovery, so you may come to look at drug addicts in a new way and not fear them so much. Just throwing that out there.

By the way, I'm still addicted to heroine, mostly Wonder Woman, just love those tights up in that invisible jet.

[Krissy_123]

I think I'm going to try the counsler first and see where it goes. I don't want to in anyway make it sound like I'm better than anyone in a na meeting...because I'm not!!. But the thought of going to one scares me. When I think of na I think of crystal meth, cocaine, and heroine users.

[motye51]

There is NOTHING incorrect with what you just said.  It wasn't until about the 3 month mark that I realized, DAMN, these people were right!  Getting clean is actually the easy part.....staying clean is the hard part.  This is why everyone pushes aftercare so much.
If not being to nosey, is there any aftercare in particular your leaning towards?  

[Krissy_123]

Thanks chels,I saw that. I might take you up on that offer after work. And I won't oxymoron35, ima keep going. I've beat tougher sh¡t than this. Just some days harder than others. I'll get through it. :)

[Krissy_123]

LMFAO thanks weaver!! ;)

[Oxymoron35]

Take it from someone who had 38 days then relapsed!  IT IS NOT WORTH IT!  Keep on going and remember you are healing.  You can do it!!!!!

[Chels44]

I just sent you message.

[weaver71]

I just cracked myself up imagining showing up at my clients house in my under ware and saying, "I'm totally ready for my day, I'm sick of waisting all my time preparing." Ha! They would probably just shake their heads and chuckle, "Oh weaver, are you sure about that?"

[weaver71]

It takes awhile for our reality and feelings to line up. You sound like you actually have a pretty good life, you just can't feel it. Remember that your feelings were numbed for a long time. Remember that the drugs are still making you feel detached. This phase is not you, it is like you 2 seconds after waking up. Then it's like you are sitting on the bed, waiting to wake up some more, so you can shower off the grime and start a new day. Then you get to where you are ready for breakfast and a cup of tea. Then you go out into the world at large. You don't sit up in bed and just jet to work, some preparation is needed to be ready for work. It is the same with recovery. You are not all the way awake yet, but you will be. Focus on getting ready and moving forward, not being ready and reaching your destination. That helps me. It won't get better all of a sudden, it will just get better and better, for the rest of your life, in my opinion.

[Krissy_123]

**tell not *fell. Stupid phone

[Krissy_123]

I guess I never looked at like that. The kids of course never knew. They knew of the cancer,or my oldest did. Little one didn't. So yes,you're correct it's deff worth it. Sometimes when I'm alone I think this is it though. This my life now,I'll always feel like this. Gosh that's a discouraging scary thought I fell ya.

[weaver71]

My first year was real rough, you are in early recovery, I wouldn't suggest upping the drugs you are on or looking for new ones. Just give it time. I know the guilt thing, I went to 120 meetings in 120 days, then there were the doctors, therapists and work. I felt like I was neglecting my kids. That first Christmas, birthdays, everything was rough for me that first year, so I was letting it eat at me, but finally let it go. Now, I look back and realize I was giving my family the biggest gift I could, my own heart, mind and spirit. I ask them today, if it was worth me being so absent for about 18 months, there is no doubt, "They all say it was worth it." Keep that in mind, it feels like you are doing nothing for the family, but you are in fact doing the best and most loving thing a parent could give, you are giving up drugs. In 10 years, you will look back and not regret any of this time.

[ScarrieAnne]

I think most Doctors don't get it, but maybe you have a good one! Im on day 51 and have no energy, but I have more than I did the first month, so it gets better. It was hard for me to even walk around the house at first. That you can work and be with your kids through all of this is amazing! I know the mothers guilt you speak of, Christmas Im more on top of things, but Halloween I was so sick and I know it could've been better, but I did my best, and Im sure you do too. Your kids will be happy because they have a mom, alive and that is present. My husband also works a lot (nights), so I only see him briefly if at all during the day, and it bums me out, so Im glad to hear yours is coming home soon. You need the support. Take Care and let me know how you are doing. XOXO. Carrie

[Krissy_123]

I know I can do it,I have no feelings of wanting to use again...I was so passed that euphoric feeling. My pills just made me depressed. But this is different,like walking through sludge almost. I haven't exercised per say,but I do go to work 8 hrs a day in a busy kitchen after I drop the kids at school,then don't sit down again until I have them in bed at 9:30pm. Don't think I have the energy to exercise if I wanted. I have a doctors app tomorrow and I am on citalopram for anti depressant. It's low dose though,maybe I need to consider upping it a little and "sigh" I don't hate Christmas,I love it. Just not this year. It's coming so fast and I have no inkling of Christmas spirit which causes guilt when I look at my babies. Husband will be back from the oil fields very soon,hoping his help and comfort will help too. Thank you for all your kind words. I won't relapse,I can't. I won't make it back out this time. I'll find someone to talk to when I see doc tomorrow,and I also find talking to him helps...even though I still think he doesn't get it.