Day 3 - And the depression is going to do me in

[percikindoguy]

I'm on day 3, and of all the times I've had to go through withdrawal this has been the worst in regard to depression, weekness, and fidgetyness at night.  My meds are legit (from a pain treatment center), and I'm prescribed 4 10/325's of percocet a day for neck pain.  However, my tolerance has risen, and instead of 4, I'm doing 6-7 a day.  Well, you got it folks.  That leaves me short every month - which leaves me with withdrawals every month.  This has been going on for a year.  My wife is in another state working a job, and I'm here alone trying to sell our home.  No wonder I'm depressed.  I so much want to be with my family again.  So now I'm sick, and missing my wife's loving bedside manner.  I walk this house alone wishing for my wife and just one pill to lessen the intensity.

Every time I get to the middle of the second week I start counting what I have and try to figure what I'll have to take to get through the month.  But every time, I never follow that calculation.  Just not enough will power I guess.  What kind of drug is this that is so powerful that it seems to have dictated my usage for me, and then slams me to the ground when I run out.  I know, it's my fault.  Why don't I just quit and let it go?  Because it really does work on my pain, but I also know I can't go on like this forever.

This withdrawal has also been bad in the way of cravings as well.  I tend to stash several pills in different tiny places throughout my office at home.  But just before I run out I already go and collect them all with the hopes that I've forgotten a few.  This way, in my true desperation, maybe I'll find one.  This time, no luck.  I've been praying to god all mighty to perform a miracle and just let me find just one to take the edge off.  But no go.  I'm stuck here crying and believing that there must be just one somewhere around here.  Maybe this sounds kind of immature, but that's the grip these blasted drugs have put on me.

There's no question here.  It's just me sharing my experience.  God, I hope tomorrow is better.  And I also wish the memory of these withdrawals would not go away so easily.  Even when I reup my script and take my meds again next week, I need to remember the feeling of these withdrawals and try harder to stay within the dosage allotted me.

Thank you for your ear.

[percikindoguy]

Thank you all for you warm thoughts.  I really wasn't expecting a response, but now that some have come my way, it does feel good and consoling.  However, I'm in day 4 and I wish I can say I feel more alive and less sad.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

I've re-uped my ambien, which I don't take a lot, so sleep was a bit better last night.  I must get off of this yo yo.  It's only getting worse.  Even when my supply is getting low too soon I swear I'll do just one a day till the end of the month, but sometimes I feel helpless and I can't do it, forgetting what the wds will be like - and I drown in my own stupidity.  You know the people that have never been addicted to anything, and can't understand what the grip is?  Sometimes I see their point of view.  It's then that I think that maybe I am stupid, not desperate enough to quit, or perhaps incredibly victimized.  Perhaps you can feel my sadness.  But I don't want sympathy.  I only feel the need to say my piece, even if no one is listening.

There was someone here who mentioned that they got consolation from a band called Seether.  They left the YouTube address, and being a musician I had to check them out.  If it helps one of us, then I guess it could help me too.  Well, there's a song called "Broken" and I can't help but relate.  The power and majestry feels like with every listen that I'm getting heeled.

Thanks again to the ones that have written me.  I'm very grateful.

[prayformetoo]

I know what your going thru with the Pain of Depression. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. Day two for me and I never cried so much in my life. If it helps please feel free to send me a message. You WILL nake it God Bless Steve

[PainKillsMe]

Gosh I'm on day 2 and I really believe its time for me to get completely off my pain killers.  Its effecting me and I think since I lost my mother in March I have been taking them more and its stopping me from grieving the proper way. I even quit my job blaming my grief on the situation, but now its time to get back to work because we can't meet our bills due to me quitting my job.  My neck pain is mostly under control and there should be no need for taking pain meds anymore, but now I'm addicted.  I also stopped taking them to pass a drug screen although I do have a script for them.  I just wanted to start a new job with a clean slate.  So my point is that, do you think that maybe if you got off the meds you would eventually feel much better and be able to handle what life throws at you?  I'm hoping it will for me.  I hope tomorrow isn't any worse than yesterday or today.

[Lisa034]

Wow hiding pills  that sounds just like me and my boyfriend!!!!  I thought we were the only ones that did that.  Just like you I would hope that maybe just maybe we would find some when we were out.  Since you do have real pain and you need your meds this is my advice   Be honest with your doctor. I know percs are different then hydro but maybe if he would write you two scripts a month?  Instead of all at once.  Or even script every week?  That way you are giving the control to them per say. It is just toooo hard to have control over something that is controling you.  Just tell your doctor they are not stupid and when you are honest with them they are actually very understanding.  Well anyway maybe a stupid maybe not.  I do know you have come to the right place   We will help you in anyway we can.  
Sending thoughts and prayers your way
Lisa034
Jacksonville,FL

[troubleinohio]

its so heartbreakign to read these stories, day after day here. And Ive been on this forum for well over 2 years now. But I have suffered the same and want to help as many people as I can, (IF i can). I so know the pain you are going through, Ive experienced the same exact things you wrote about and totally know where you are at right now. What is the longest you have ever gone without your pills since you became addicted? And how long have you been on the meds for?  Have you tried any other modes of treatment for your neck pain? Surgery? STeroid shots, Therapy, anything?   when we get addicted like this, we really have to try other things because you cant go on forever like this. I have found , much to my surprise- that my back pain IS tolerable after Ive been off the opiates awhile. I never in a million years thought I could survive without them, but once my brain started getting used to not having its vicodin overdose everyday, it finally ''gave up" on sending exaggerated pain signals from my back and the pain level went way back down to a tolerable level.  Dont get me wrong, Im certainly not running around doing cartwheels or anything and I do have to take motrin 800 every single day, and I do still have some bad days wehre I cant do anything...but overall- i can function and do my chores and housework etc without having debilitating pain. You may be surprised to discover you can too if you give it enough time..  Hang in there, and keep reading and posting here, please!

[tooklastdose]

Welcome
Things will start looking and feeling better after day 4 or 5.
I to keep looking in my drawer over and over for a pill.  None there, but I keep looking??
Addiction sure changes our behavior.  
I'm at day 9 off 15-20 vics a day cold turkey.   YOu can do it.
Praying for you