Day 38, What now?

So it is day 38 clean for me and I am sitting at work once again unmotivated and watching the clock. This is when I used to cave and run during lunch to meet up with my dealer, get my fix, then come back and just work like crazy. Now, I know this is not an option, but I just feel like the last two weeks I have gone backwards. I don't exactly crave the pills too badly, but I also just can't seem to get anything done right now. I know things are backing up, but everything just feels so overwhelming! I don't like my job, and really need to find what will make me happy, but even that scares me. I know I need to finish my resume, but it sits on my computer like 60% done. Everything I start I don't finish!

I stopped the pills after me and my girlfriend broke up. I used our breakup as motivation to change, and to win her back. This worked for a while, but ever since Thanksgiving it has been hard. To sum it up, things haven't really changed between us. Actually she is distancing herself more and more and it is not looking good that we will get back together. On top of that it is her birthday tomorrow, and knowing I am not going to be a part of it is killing me. I know I need to do this for myself, and I am not thinking of getting pills. Sometimes it just gets so hard! I guess I just needed to vent and write my feeling down. I read this site everyday, but rarely post. Today seemed like a good day to do it. Thanks to all that post and give advice. It really is helpful to know others are struggling everyday with the same problems.

[UM4Lyfe]

Hang in there buddy venting shows you got this beat now use that motivation you used to kick it to get work done. Set daily goals and cross them off as you get them done. Its very satisfying achieving even the smallest thing as that list gets done. I applaud your willpower. Just focus your hurt at missing her birthday party to get things done. I myself posted for the first time as well today. But support is an amazing crutch. I stand with you. Your strong enough to do what allot struggle with myself included I'm on day 2 of cold Turkey and it's killing me. Your story gave me hope end game is coming. You helped me with your venting if she doesn't see it her loss.
End rant

[luwanna72]

Hi stormin....I just wanted to write and say post all you need to we are here even for you to just vent!Oh and I wanted to say that I get what your saying about how you use to use to get motivated to work,I found myself there way too many times my friend.Are you taking any supplements to help get your brain back in shape and producing what it needs to?Remember it will take time for your brain to heal so I take L-thyrosine and vitamin B6 to help!And please remember to be proud of yourself!You just went thru one of the hardest things a person can go thru!BIG HUGS to you!

[storminnrmn]

Thanks for responding and good to see you posting. I did cold turkey as well, so I know what you are going through. Hang in there, the physical part will get better soon! Glad I could help even in my venting, your advice helped reinforce why I did this. I couldn't live like that anymore! I leaned on those pills for everything! I was thinking today about how we lean on the pills like a crutch. It is not all that different from when someone tears an acl or any serious injury you need to rehab. Getting off the crutches is scary. Walking and rehabbing the injury will hurt and take time, but at some point it gets easier and then pretty soon the pain is less and less, and you are walking again on your own. Hope you hang in there and fight threw the pain. It is worth it.

[storminnrmn]

Yes, I think work is the hardest time for me. Being stuck in my office just gives me anxiety, especially when things pile up. If I am home, I can do laundry, hit the gym, or watch a movie, but here I just feel trapped. Just me and my thoughts. The pills used to let me forget my thoughts and just do what needed to be done. I take a strong multi vitamin everyday, but that about it. I should look into the L-thyrosine. Thanks for the advice. I feel good physically, it is my brain that is still not working!

[Success007]

Yes get L-thyroxine, I waited till day 22 tapering , what a mistake. It's a vitamin and $7.99 for 100 and it clears the mind.   Hey I have been a mess, snapping at people more, I just pleaded with my bf to del w me, that I'm suffering more than words can say. And I apologized in advance and said it may get ugly, please hang with the drama. It will pass....and today's better.    Unlike the work ho hums, I have rentals and I have a home left a total mess, worse than I've ever had, I noticed focusing on it helps me take my mind of detox,  but no boss and working when I want helps.     Just hang in there and vent here. Day 4 for me and I am glad, altho I don't know my old me, I'd am glad I don't need that crap anymore.     I love u all, stay strong

[Pat1956100]

Hi and I am glad you posted.
Finish your resume.  You sound so unhappy at your job and you certainly have to spend a lot of time there.  You need a change and it sounds like a new job is just what you need.
You also seem to be in an unhappy relationship but only you can decide when it's time to end that.  It sounds like you still care about her very much.
Focus on the resume for now and start a job search.
Let us know how you make out.

[clean_in_ks]

Good on ya for 38 days!!!  And glad you posted today.  I read an article today on the health pages on this site that said "only when the healing occurs will the symptoms of withdrawal disappear totally".  Key word:
"totally".  Feeling unmotivated, overwhelmed easily and an inability to concentrate all STILL hit me.  Not as much as @ 60-90 days tho I read the PAWS, Part I article on the health pages & added L-Tyrosine & Emergen-C packets to my daily regimen.  L-Tyrosine is NOT a vitamin, it is an amino acid.  A very helpful one for recovering drug addicts.  Assists with many functions of our brain and its chemistry while healing.The Emergen-C daily packets deliver liquid vitamins, essential minerals and electrolytes right to your cells.  
The only thing that works for me right now is to pick "just one" thing you want to accomplish.  Just ONE....focus on it and DO it and the sense of completion and reward builds you up to pick one more thing!!  You said you were miserable in your job.  It's hard enough even when you aren't healing from drug addiction to be motivated at a job you hate.  You have mentioned this b4, too, I think.  Why don't you set a personal goal for yourself and get r done.....the resume I mean.  When I was miserable at one of my jobs yrs back, I set a goal and told myself "in 6 mos you're gonna be outta here, girl......I don't know where, but God does!"  And you know what??  I was :)  Just do one thing....just pick one and put what little energy and motivation you have on that.......build yourself up with positive thoughts and know if your gf is meant to be with you.....she will be!  The new you will ATTRACT her.  You won't have to prove anything to her, she'll SEE the changes in you.  And lastly, what about meetings, support for yourself to learn new ways of thinking and living?  Are you doin any of that?  It helps BIG time.  Hang in there and big blessings to you~
  

[NeedTheRealMeBack]

Aww man you and i are going through the same thing!!

Glad I'm not alone and nither are you.. we'll get thru this!!

[storminnrmn]

Thanks again to everyone for responding. I needed some positive reinforcement today. Just to know I am headed in the right direction.

Clean_in_ks- focusing on one thing is really good advice. I tend to think about 10 things and then get overwhelmed and jump from thing to thing, which gets me more frustrated. As far as aftercare, so far this site has basically been it. Went to a few meetings, but don't know if that is my thing. I have a few friends that are 5 plus years sober and lean on them sometmes. I have also looked into a therapist, which I think I am gonna try. I know how important everyone says aftercare is, and I don't want to fool myself into thinking I have this under control.

NeedTheRealMeBack- We will get through this and it will make us stronger! There is so much to look foward to in life, and I know I don't want to waste it being the way I was. I am sure you feel the same way. We are so busy lying to ourselves to even realize how we treat the people we love most.

Thanks again to all, really helped me out today!