Day 3...rough, rough, day already...

[GaGalblah]

Today is a struggle...I've cried, asked God Why?? Why?? Then as I put ny visine in so.I could walk into work...I saw myself in the mirror. It's my fault. No one but me. So, who can I fault. Who can I blame. I've read others post that this is the hardest thing they've ever done....that's a gross understatement for me today. I question my strength....cravings haven't hit today...just a bout of depression. I saw a co worker this morning. She was high as a kite. I was jealous. But then I thought about how empty those pills left me, & I felt so bad for her. Before I left the meeting she pulls me aside and told me her VA dr had given her a higher dose & told me she would bring all her other bottles (she stock.piled for months after her injury b4 getting hooked).  I told her the pills had made me sick & I was now allergic to.them...then got in.my car & cried...where I am right now. Last week, I would've  thought that was the BEST day ever! But today. I just can't. & I'm so depressed.

[littlebit667]

Hey hon!  Hope you are doing well.  If you aren't...it is OK...post so we can help one way or the other!

[WantMyLifeBack2010]

just checking in on you to see how your weekend went?? Haven't seen you post and I just want you to know WE are ALL praying for you to beat the pills like you did at work last week....
I know this road is SO hard to walk when you have SO MANY obsticles in your way?? Please remember they do not have your best interest they want YOU TO FAIL they want to sabatoge you...
Please just post we are not here to judge you!! What ever we can do for YOU is why we are all checking in on you because WE want you to succeed, WE really do and even when one of us falls we will pick them up its ok to be human...

please try to post back,
Kim

[Ann2497]

How are you doing?  We haven't heard from you in several days.

[littlebit667]

Wow, very good and honest post.  It takes a village to help one another!  We have all been in pain and at time quietly tried to live with it.  Getting it out in the open here makes such a great difference.  I am glad the article helped.  It really helped me understand how our brains can make us ill.  And make us well.  We just have to give it time to adjust.  Life w/o the pills is so worth it.
Clarity is worth it, true happiness w/o needing the pills is worth it.  You are worth it and so am I!!

[Ann2497]

Glad to hear you are doing ok.  Do you know how many pills your coworker takes to make her act like that?  I feel the same way you do - I hope I didn't act like that.  I had my use from my husband so I didn't take many pills at one time.  If you are close to your coworker - I wonder if you can ask her if she realizes how she acts.  Not sure of the politics or your situation so I can understand if you can't say anything.

How is the depression?  I hope it isn't getting any worse.

[donewitis]

What an INTENSE day..OM! God Bless you for getting through in the midst of w/d..temptation..meetings..WOW. How powerful is that though; seeing your co-worker acting the fool? What a lesson there. Anytime I was around people I wondered..were my pupils like pinheads..was anything giving me away..what a way to live! I don't even call that living..just surviving. Lot of lessons learned today..I would think. The beautiful part is that you are continuing..and that it will get better. You won't be chasing the pills..you can start chasing your dreams..going back to school and whatever life has in store..you can show up for it..clean. It's a good feeling. In the last months of my 'dependance' I often thought..what would happen if these pain meds. barbs, benzos were not so readily available..if something happened that nobody could get their DOC..I imagined a scene from "The night of the living dead'...do you know what I mean?..people walking around..stumbling in pain throughout the countryside..the cities..all suffering with w/d's. Crazy thought but it is so good not to have to think or be concerned that my supply might end...
I am so grateful.

[Innerstrength67]

Gaga, I can totally relate. I was like a kid in a candy store when I would get my pills. It's like I was holding my breath and when I got my pills, I would breath again with relief.
It's amazing how freeing it feels to go through the day not wondering, how many, when, why...etc....
Your doing it even though you had a gutt wrenching cry and feel so down. It has to get better without pills. Because we know it stinks being in active addiction.

[GaGalblah]

Wow!  I just read all of your messages. Today was the hardest & the busiest at work. 1 meeting to the next..building after building. The plastic smile, hand shakes. But inside I'm so broken. What I didn't say was that when I told her about this "newly developed allergy" my face got so hot, as soon as the words came out I felt like I would vomit. Literally. I was nauseous. Like "why did I say no"?!?! I acted as if my cell.phone was vibrating...put it up to my ear. Did the head nod like "I have to take this" and turned & quickly walked away..almost tripped over my feet a time or 2. As soon as my back was to the building, I cried the HARDEST, DEEPEST, cry I have ever cried. It came from the pit of my soul. I had no idea where I had parked but I was clicking my keys, & following the beep so fast. I stayed up pretty late last night. Reading the forums. Everyone comes on here, not bc they're forced but bc they realize there is a problem & want to change it...I knew I could not cone back on & say I had slipped, I couldn't go back to day 1, & I didn't want to feel that emptiness again.
Freeov_itall, as I sat there broken I thought I should call my dr. I couldn't catch my breath. But then I didn't want to Exchange 1 pill for another. LilBit recommended an article.to me about the brain & its chemicals...dopamine & all...I didn't want 10-20 gates (if u haven't read it please do, its posted on my first post). I'm going yo get vitamins & tea today. The Kavi tea. I can't go back.
Just getting home, but the last meeting involved a group interaction type setting. My co worker had whispered to me that she had taken her "happy pill". & for the next 1.5 hrs she made a complete & utter fool of herself. She was loud, inappropriate, laughing at inappropriate times, clapping. It was awful. & I sat back & thought to myself, "was I like that"  "did everyone know I was on something while I sat there thinking j had it all together?"
That was my defining moment. I should've went back to school & graduated 2 yrs ago. Co workers around me had done it. I wanted to. What happened to my dreams? My dreams were trapped in a bottle. I looked forward to refill day but could rarely tell u when payday or a holiday was. Today was rough. I feel so depressed. But I am holding on to these words you guys have posted for dear life. & if I have to print them out and sleep with them tonight, I refuse to go back or start over. I pray blessings of prosperity, health, & peace today. Bc I.promise you, ur words saved my life today!

[all_alone1]

Wow I have to agree with everyone......turning pills down when you were feeling so...well that takes a lot of strenght, courage, and determination. That show that you can really do this you are stronger than that little pill.....you go girl.

[Innerstrength67]

Hang in there darlin!!! This is hard stuff. Why you, why me, why everyone??? Because this is a disease you were destined to get. Seriously, it ***** but being an addict has given us the opportunity to dig deep about who we truly are. We numbed and know we are feeling at heightened degrees.
This is such a di-ease of the mind, body and spirit. We put down the drugs and then need to stop beating ourselves up as to why and what we did so we can embrace and nurture that wounded part of ourselves. That's a gift:)
Your doing awesome. Depression is part of it. We don't get out of this without ant scabes. But the scabes will heal.
You can message me if you want. I'm 37 days clean and never thought I could do it.

[Ann2497]

I agree with Freeofitall - I was on an anti-depressant before taking the pills, during and after and the anti-depressants aren't helping me.  The depression from withdrawals is tough - I really feel for you. I have struggled with depression of and on for many years and believe me when I tell you that you will have some very bad days but it will get better and you have to push through those days because there are people in your life that love you and need you healthy and pill free.  

The fact that you turned down those pills was amazing.  There are not very many people that could do that.  I don't think I could have done that!  You should feel very, very good about yourself.

Alot of people have suggested a supplement L-Tyrosine for depression. Others have said that this has worked for them.  I have not used this do to my anti-depressent.  

Also I am sure you already know exercise and eating healthy will help.  Read the posts here and post often on how you are doing.  Hang in there!  Ann

[WantMyLifeBack2010]

God I feel for you ....And I too have felt all you're feeling today..But man you did something I could've never be able to do Even through your miserable depression you were ABLE to have the strength to tell her NO even if you phrased it by telling her you're allergic & how they made you sick...That was the BEST THING you could've said because from my experience I too had a "Friend" that would get hundreds every month and WHEN I was Using- She was my back up when I ran out, so  EVERY single time I told her I was giving them up or going cold turkey she would make sure to bring them over especially on my 3rd or 4th day knowing HOW weak I would be and every time I caved in and would start all over with the Sick addiction-
So YOU took a HUGE step by doing what you did today... By being strong-So, Be Proud!
I understand how miserable the depression is, how sad you are, mad at God...sometimes I read a post and I have to look at the name to see if that was an old post of mine...I hated God and blamed him for all my pain, my depression, my entire messed up world was ALL his fault...it took me a LOONG time to realize, even after I stopped taking my pain meds even  throughout the first 3 months of my 6 months of treatment It took me that long to come to terms that "I am to blame".
You're on day 3 and was able to look into a mirror and understand it's not his fault...
YOU can beat this, because you're already accepting responsibility, you're already being strong and saying NO to an offer that I know personally I couldn't have been that strong, and I'm sure others on here will agree day 3 is a TOUGH day & it had me at my weakest..
I know it's sounds so easy to say But, Please  Be  proud of yourself for having the strength by not giving in to her offer-she just wants to sabotage your recovery-Trust me they don't have good intentions for us!!
if you would like I can add you as a friend.. accept it if you wish....Also I have some journals that I've left open I want others to read my struggles and where I am today...And if you choose to do so email me anytime I am on allot and I will reply.
Just know that you have so many people praying for you in this forum I have found so many caring people in here so stay with us I know they have helped me and reading such wonderful words of encouragement when I was so down that they would send was amazingl!!
Take care and email me anytime!!!!
your new friend----Kim

[Releaseme2207]

You've already gotten through the worst part, which is turning down a bunch of pills. That right there shows that you truly want to be clean. Tomorrow or the day after should be a turning point for you, as far as being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there, you can do it! Congrats on day 3!

[Free_ovitall]

Whatever you do, don't go see your doc and ask for anti-depressants.
It seems to be ingrained into the American mindset to pop a pill to fix whatever problems we have. Anti depressants cause all kinds of problems themselves, not only are they hard to quit taking after using them for any length of time, but they can cause permanent damage as well.

Seek out natural remedies such as amino acid supplements along with changes to your dietary habits to improve the temporary problems you are having with your dopamine and serotonin levels which got messed up from taking opiates. (see the "amino acid protocol" at the bottom of the page).

Depression is a normal withdrawal symptom which will get better in time as your neurotransmitters heal and start functioning normally. Amino acid supplements help boost those levels while you are waiting for the neurotransmitters to repopulate and heal, easing or even completely stopping those withdrawal symptoms.

Otherwise, you can expect to have a bit of a roller coaster ride as far as your emotions are concerned over the next few weeks, but they will ease considerably once you reach that one month mark. So hang in there, and try some amino acid supplements to help ease these symptoms.

[newlifeahead]

i really envy the fact that u can turn down pills u should be patting urself on ur back for working around people using and knowing u can get them at any time. Please dont give in... it is ur brain playing tricks on u u said somethign that caught me "the pills left me empty" and they do that. I ahve 23 days clean today and while i am still having ups and downs there is NOTHING better. I promise u each day gets better and when u find urself laughing for the first time ur real laugh ur real self u will do nothing but smile. When on the pills i was soooo grumpy everythign aggravaited me even being around my husbadn which he is so dear to mea nd treats me like a angel.. now i find myself wanting to cudle and miss him everyday is a new day w my almost 11 month old everything just seems differnent. the depression will subside i didnt really have a lot of it at all but i know some people do. Keep pushing forward there r alot of people to help u do that and lots of people watching ur post gaining strength for themselves to do it too weather u know it or not... blessigs to u u r in my prayers and God will get u through HE is my ROCK and if u give it to Him and surrendor He will give u the strength u need.. try not to beat urself up so much u doing this now is what matters not how u got here...

[ang_811]

So u sturned down bottles n  bottles of pills???? Wow  to me that shows a TON of strength on ur part. It does get easier n the depression will subside. It did for me. Keep pushing forward and know u can do it.....Congrats on day 3...r u doing any aftercare? thts what helps me..

[littlebit667]

I really believe that the 3 rd day is the hardest!  You are halfway there to feeling better.  In spite of feeling so bad, you did great!  You turned her down and gave her the right answer!!  Please don't go back.  I kept saying, my brain is sad because it wants pills.  It is not me, my brain is trying to fool me!
It is the best day, any day is when you are clean.