Day 4

[Amaryllis1974]

Today is day 4 of my tapering from the Lortabs. I have made it to 2 pills today so far...hopefully only one more.
Today I was faced with something that I didn't want to deal with yet. My boyfriend went thru my phone and found out I had been doing some things I shouldn't have. He has been trying to support my detox, for he is a recovering addict too, but he tends to not know what to do,or how to react without anger. So today I have spent the whole day explaining that I can't make a sincere apology, I can't stop doing what I am doing for him, and I can't make a decision if I want to stay with him until I am done with the detox. He doesn't get it. He texts me one minute that it's ok and we will be fine, the next its crazy talk about how I just need to make a decision...I cant even decide if I want to stay clean right now, so how in God's name can I decide the other...
Also, we have been broken up for 2 and a half months because of some issues the HE had...so not wanting to just take him back because I feel so bad at this moment,  ya know? Want to make sure...
Feel like I am being forced to have all my answers now when I can't be sure. Feels like I am also being forced to face guilt and shame before I should. Don't know. What do you guys think? I want to use more than I should right now. Will stay close to this site.

[Amaryllis1974]

Right...
You are absolutely right...if he truly loves me, he would want to love me as a whole, not a torn apart woman. He would want me to finally have some peace. He would accept whatever outcome there may be. He would want to work on himself so that he too could be healthy. I do love you Fresh...you know it. Thanks for researching and trying to do the right thing.

[fresh1969]

You definitely are right to concentrate on yourself right now and on your recovery. Stay close to your higher power, your sponsor, and your family. If your boyfriend truly loves you he will give you the time and space to heal and find your way. Whatever is meant to be will be, and I am sure he has some issues of his own he can work on while he's sitting, waiting, wishing. XOXO

[mtgoat911]

my last detox, i didnt want to stop drugs, i wanted to die!
i would go back and forth, one minute i wanted to get clean, the next minute i would be on my knees begging for more drugs
thats why it is so hard for people to get in treatment, there is a wait in most cases, by the time the tx center has a bed, the addict is back to wanting to use
dont feel bad because you want to use, everyone and i mean everyone who is in recovery wants to use at some point
after a while the obsession to use will be lifted, all this means is that i may think about getting high, then it passes, i dont spend hours upon hours thinking about ways and means to get more drugs
you can do this, take it one day at a time
get yourself to a meeting tonight!!!

[Amaryllis1974]

Hey,
I am sure I want to be clean, but as I am sure you know, when you detox it's hard so you go back and forth...didn't mean I don't wanna be clean...just meant during this time it's hard to do...so how could i possibly be in a place to make decisions. On that note I would like to say this: I made my decision to get clean because I was tired of being a prisoner as well as tired of the wreckage. I come on here to vent, and feel completely supported and comfortable. I do not usually edit as I type. I just spill out my words so I dont get high anymore...but thru every one of my posts there is always someone who says something like what you did..."one part stands out"...blah blah...I am not using the correct lingo or not being so healthy with my wording right now, so please let me get thru this without having to answer for myself, I am doing it for me....not anyone or anything else. I appreciate the comments, just wont be answering to any of the mistakes i may type until detox is over...
Much love to you.

[Amaryllis1974]

Thanks...he really is trying. I did things to hurt him...did things to make him not trust me. Things that I have done in the past and truly believed I would do no more...
So it's quite hard, I am sure, to deal with his pain as well as be supportive...I don't think I could do it...that's why we need a separation. However, we have been on sabbatical for 2.5 months already...it's frustrating. I don't want to lose him, but i am afraid i we will both lose ME if I can't get it right this time.
Thanks all for support. This place rocks.

[Florida_Guy737]

Hi...being a guy, I understand that he cares about you.  But...he's going about this the wrong way; if you love someone, set them free; if it was meant to be...etc.  Your primary concern should be yourself right now. If you can't take care of yourself, you'll be no good to anyone else.  I also tapered and now at almost 11 months clean, the pills are almost a distant memory.

Keep going, minimize your stress, take care of yourself...it's all good.

Guy

[wannabefree330]

You are really in a fight for your life here.  Your continual obsession and dependence on lortab is clearly the #1 most important issue to deal with.  If there is no recovery will there be a relationship at all?  Decide if sobriety is what you REALLY want.  If it is, you will have to get a little 'selfish' for a while.  Your boyfriend will have to wait and if he really truly cares for you, he won't have a problem doing so.  In fact he should be calling you and inviting you to meetings!  First, make your choice on addiction/sobriety.  Then, if sobriety is what you want, put yourself and your needs above all else.  It won't always have to be that way, but for a time it's got to happen.  Once I became sober, I was able to see the relationship I was in (15 yr) was a total disaster, and 5 years ago I left that behind.....as well as the person I used to be.......the active addict.  Now, I'm alone......sober......and happier than I've ever been.  Sometimes we don't see how f'd up our lives are until our minds clear out the fog we've been living in.  Its then we are able to see the true story, and the best thing,...........we can change what we want and throw out what we don't.

[worried878]

one statement in ur post stands out to me "I dont even know if I wanna be clean"   that is a bit scary for me  and a relationship when I am this unsure of myself is never healthy..for me anyway...

[mtgoat911]

i took a 2 month break from my marraige when i got clean
its what needed to be done
start working the steps, all this kinda stuff will fall into place
by the time you get to your amends step, your sponsor will help you through it