Day 7 and caved in

[TS8777]

I have had probably 2 maybe 3 hours of sleep in 7 days. Well I got dressed went to class, class went ok even though I was not all there. Well when I left there I went and picked up a few valium .5 mg strength. I just need a break from this anxiety. I refuse to take another pain pill. I only got a few because I do not want them to become a crutch. I feel guilty for getting these, but I am truly losing my mind. I had a mini stroke back in September and when my chest starts hurting and my neck and then my left arm starts tingling it brings on more than anxiety, I start to go into a full blown panic attack because I am scared it may be a stroke. Well that's my day.

[weaver71]

I don't think any of us are disappointed about you taking valium for legit reasons, but the part where you diagnose, prescribe, and ingest valium without accountability. This is part of the addict thinking, not the excuses, those sound like legit reasons, yet you didn't get legit meds, you got them in the street. I may be wrong, but I believe that is the stand for most of us responding.

So. you don't have insurance, well, you either qualify for the Affordable Care Act insurance or you can make sacrifices to afford it. Buying drugs on the street is not cheaper or better for you in anyway, not in the long run, which is what I am most concerned about. Looking at the big picture and finding a way to maintain a long life of progress, that is the goal, imo. Look into it, find a way to cope that doesn't require you to treat yourself however you feel necessary. Find accountability and real help, no more bandaids for a severed artery.

[TS8777]

Thank you for the advice. I have no insurance so really my only choice is to go sit in that long dreadful er. It is something I may be doing real soon. Thank you

[kellygirll]

there are so many medications for anxiety that are non narcotic and non addictive just go to your doctor and tell them whats going on they will help you and keep up the good work this is just a little stumble in the big scheme of things!!!

[TS8777]

Thank you to every one for the advice. Yes I did make a bad choice to get a few valium, but I will be honest yesterday was the first time that I did not have chest pain and neck pain and the tingiling down my arm. Yes I know this all sounds like excuses because we as addicts that what we do, make excuses. I only took 1 .5 mg valium and then I also took the valerian root that my husband bought me. I ran out of melatonin a day ago, gotta get to cvs to get some more. I am so sorry for letting anyone down on here and yes you are all right clean is clean. I was actually diagnosed at the age of 19 with anexiety and panic disorder and was prescribed xanax. I never liked how they mad me feel. I only took them when I went into a full panic attack. Then I just quit getting them precaribed to me all together because I did not want them. For what ever reason I just pray that doing all these pain pills has not triggered the anexiety and panic disorder again in my life. They prescribed me klonopin back in September when I had my mini stroke. Evaluate they said it was stressed induced. I got them filled twice and just did not want them. Maybe I do need and anexiety medicine but reading everyone's posts there is no way in hell I want to ever become addicted to something again especially benzos. I wonder if there is something they can give me that is non narcotic and non addictive. Thank you guys so much

[refills]

Hey there. You've been doing such a great job I would hate to see you let it all go. WE have more in common than you might think. We all have gone through the no sleep and horrific anxiety. (not an over-statement) Yeah I have to agree with my friends. Don't just get rid of the valiums, get rid of your supplier. Having him/her around only makes your sobriety a lot more difficult to sustain. So ok you wanted  some relief, no one is judging you for that. Dust yourself off and lets roll. I to had a stroke, around 2 months after I started with detox. My second one. The first they found 6 years ago as an ole stroke from an unknown time.   That's a real kick in the pants to be sure. I struggle with the feeling of anxiousness of having another one and other thoughts. I know your scared, I understand. You're doing such a wonderful job to date. What do you say we keep it going. Remember these guys around here really know what they are talking about. We can do it! Take care.....ike

[weaver71]

I think it was day 19 of an hr of sleep or less a night that I was ready to cave. I was hallucinating and felt like I may lose my mind. What I did, I used my accountability. I wrote here and talked to friends in meetings and decided to follow their advice and to wait it out one more day. Day 20, I slept for the first time. So that saying, don't give up right before a miracle, I believe applies here. I agree with IBKlean, this is not a time for self-medicating. If things are bad enough to take street drugs, then they are bad enough to go to a doctor. Problem is, you are early in, so your instinct is taking you back to your old ways, maybe not your old drugs of choice, but your old ways of coping. I'd give this some serious thought, if you really do want to stop self-medicating some day.

[Cricketk92]

So glad to hear that class went OK!!!!  Its OK that you didnt feel all there...next week will be better!!!  As far as the valium....its just another drug youre putting into your system!  Please be very careful of it and dont start hanging with your street contacts again!  That will get you into trouble!  Especially with all the issues you are having with your husband!  Your addict brain will start to tell you that its OK to use one more time and then you will be in real trouble!  If you start going to meetings they will help you with the mental part and help you find other ways to escape the pain and feelings!  Like IBKleen said, maybe go to the Dr and see if you need to be on any medication!  But give meetings/recovery a chance to work for you!!!!  Keep hanging in there!! XO Karen

[IBKleen]

You need to get to a doctor and get checked out. Let them decide what medication, if any, you need to take. With your history you should NOT be buying drugs on the street and self-medicating. I hope you take my advice and get yourself to a doctor. Let us know how you make out.