Day 9

[comfortquinn]

Not such a hot night for sleep.  I quit my job, so I can learn how to sleep again.  I felt like I was going totally crazy thinking about having to be at work at 7am.  I fell asleep around 8pm and woke up at 9:30pm and was up until somewhere after 2pm.
I had to tell my significant other what was going on.  He had no idea I was on Suboxone and I was so worried how he would react.  We were together for 12 years.  He lives in Portland, OR.  I lived with him in Florence, OR for 10 yrs.  I loved it!  Except for getting high and us breaking up and getting back together all the time.   Very tiresome.  

I am here in Virginia living with my brother.  I've been here like 6 months and started taking suboxone 5 months ago.  Before that I was getting Fentynal Patches.  

Anyway, my significant other sounded to be alright with what I am doing.  I just get a little worried, because he sometimes will come back a day or two later not happy with me, so that is making me a little anxious.  I was so anxious about telling him that I was going to quit my job.  He was ok with it.  I told him I have to take care of me.  He said, it's just going to take a little longer for me to move back in with him.  I need to get a job before I move out there to. I've been trying to fill out job applications on line and I get so discouraged.  I have 2 felonies.  They are from 1997 and 1999.  When it comes to getting a job, I feel like a hamster in a hamster ball.  That is a reason, I was so afraid to quit my job.  My boss, told me to keep in touch with her, so I have a feeling she will give me a good recommendation or hire me back when I am ready.  I just feel crappy leaving, because the other people there have to take up my slack.  I FORGIVE MYSELF!!!!!! I FORGIVE MYSELF!!!!!  I FORGIVE MYSELF!!!!!  IT'S OK!!!!!!  

ANYWAY!  I AM GOING TO GET OUT FOR A WALK TODAY AND NOT WORRY ABOUT ANYONE BUT ME.  I JUST HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND, I AM GETTING BETTER, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T "FEEL" LIKE IT!  MY BODY HURTS AND WILL FOR A WHILE AND MY ANXIETY IS PRETTY BAD, BUT I HAVE TO KEEP GOING!!!!  NO LOOKING BACK!!!

THANK YOU AGAIN, EVERYONE THAT IS SUPPORTING ME ON THIS SITE!

[Innerstrength67]

Girl, you are doing awesome. I know it doesn't feel that way at times but keep being honest. Addiction thrives on lies and secrecy. All we have is the moment that's right in front of us. Our minds can really trip us up but we get to choose our thoughts. Are we going to be hard or easy on ourselves. We are addicts and chose to stuff our feelings down with drugs. Putting down the drugs is the easy part even though I was terrified. Staying clean takes reall work and your doing it!!!
I'm so proud of you. Your courage gives me strength.

[dhodge2000]

I tried suboxone, and that just didn't work for me. But one thing that did, was understanding that I got myself into this &^%$ and I had to be the one to get myself out. This is a personal life lesson that is unique to you. Getting clean, yea we all say we want that, and we try and sometimes fail. But in the end, you should be working with your Dr to find out if maintenance or detox is the best way for you. For me, I would not buy into the sub maintenance thing because I just wanted to be off the opiates, period. But everybody is different and that's a personal thing between you and your Dr. Please be careful with Sub, it is no magic thing (I was a suppporter when I got on it) but the withdrawals from sub are much longer lasting. Figure out what YOU want to do with your life, make a plan, and start the motion. It all starts with a plan...God Bless