Deaing with Wd now death

As you all know from my earlier posts today I'm feeling really down and am having trouble with  my mental Wds...To the point of takin a couple of pills a day for the last 4 days bc my head is just in a bad place.  I stayed home and opted to work Sat to see if a long walk would help...knew it would. Its sunny here in Pgh and we've had the worst Feb and March I can remember...gray cold rainy days. I came home feeling better and decided to stop at the store and pick out some nice flowers to take to my neighbor Alexis. I became friends with her almost 2 years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and since I was diagnosed 9 mos earlier we became friends. Alexis was just diagnosed with brain mets...2 inoperable tumors last month. I sent a card and note as many people need a little time to adjust to finding out they are going to die so I waited. I forgot my wallet and passed her house thinking I'll go back out and wait till after dinner. I just went to get my mail and my neighbor ran over to tell me Alexis died an hour ago. God bless her. She's only in her 40s and her daughter is graduating from highschool this year. I've wished that it was me so bad since I found out hers spread. She had every reason to want to live and was happy. She did all she could to help others and I can't even get my life together and I really don't have any reason to feel anything but happiness. Half the time I don't even want to live and I dont appriciate the good things and people I have. I wish to God in heaven that it could have been me and Alexis could come back. Life sucks..Its never fair and maybe that's why so many of us have to use pills to get up in the morning and try to pretend it will ever make sense or be close to fair. I,m not going to take any extra pills to make me feel better from this so don't worry. I need  to be sad right now. Corey

[cathy5841]

I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOOS COREY...SHE SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME PERSON.  please use this a motivation to stay clean.  what an honor to her memory.  and you can also be there for her daughter.  you can do it.  dont give up.

[worried878]

Stress and depressive events do cause cravings..like Cathy said...do it for her...it is not gonna help u nor her for u to take pills...and the down side afterwards is the pitts...unless u start using everyday again and that is the pitts too...be there for her..mentally and physically :(

[bandnmom]

I am so sorry for your lose. I am dealing with something so similair myself. My Uncle whom i was very close with passed away yesterday morning. It was cancer that suddenly spread to his brain which we only found out about 6 days ago. It happened so quick but that doesn't make it any easier. I know exactly how you are feeling. Believe me. I have been clean for 116 days and  i so wanted to pop a couple pills to numb myself but i know i can't and that i won't. Stay strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk PM me.

[NautyOne]

I am so sorry about Alexis.  I have felt the way you described many times.  I think God takes people like Alexis to remind us of  what we have and are taking for granted in life.  How else can we explain it.....I really loved your post.  I can tell your sad......and, you may take more pills or you may not.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  I can't tell you one person that doesn't have some kind of addiction.....whether its coffee, food, sex, people, obsessions.......whatever.  Ours happens to be pills.  You will make it.  maybe not today or this week, maybe not this year, but you will.  I can just tell.

My sympathy's and prayers are with you, through this difficult time.  Maybe not the best time to say this, but I don't think people enter our lives out of chance.  I think that God sends us many messages that many times go unread.  Tap into your soul, and you will be amazed what you might find.  Its not easy because we live in a self-indulgent world.

God bless,

Luv,
Nauty............

[toxictome]

I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself during this time of sadness and grieveing. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[candy74]

Corey, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I'm still dealing with my mom's death last year from cancer...she was only 54. There she was sick as hell fighting for her life while I was perfectly healthy & doing everything I could to destroy mine. I was feeling that I was the one that deserved to die. Now I know, that the best thing I can do is become well bc thats what my mom would have wanted---& I know thats what Alexis would have wanted for you. I know it hurts so bad like a pain you can't even put in words. You have so much to live for with your family...show them how much you love them by being kind to YOURSELF!

[newmanagment]

corey, i feel your pain in this post. and im so sorry for your loss, and alexis's families loss, especially her daughter.Please quit wishing it was you that this happened too, God makes those decisions, even when we disagree. All we can do is hope that someday we are deserving of all that we have. You will come thru this, and be the person that He wants ya to be. and all the things you said you are not are proven wrong by the fact that you are a caring , loving individual!! if ya werent you wouldnt care so much for a neighbor. so quit being so hard on yourself, when we love ourselves, life will have a way of loving us back...