Dealing with Stress and Conflict during recovery

[Lucy825]

Hi.  I'm recovering from a 5 year addiction to pain pills.  Right now I'm weaned down from 200+ mg's per day to 25 mgs per day and tomorrow I'll be down to 20 mgs. a day.  I do celebrate my accomplishment in solitary.  I've come a long way and by the end of the month I plan to be off of them completely.  I am, however, already, worried about relapse.  Here's my question and worry:

I think one of my biggest triggers to use is my relationship with my husband.  He constantly wants to do nothing but start arguements and is an extremely stressful person.  He will come home and constantly spout a litany of the things we (meaning I) need to do and constantly brow beat me about our financial situation and anything else he can think of to stress me out.  I honestly think he feels this constant pressue, which is what I think got me started on the pills, will motivate me.  It does nothing but depress me and make me want to use again or more so that I can try to be super woman and do all that needs to be done immediately.  He knows I'm trying to do this.  He's aware of my addiction and that I'm trying to stop.  I've tried over and over to explain to him how the stress and arguements affect me but he's very stubborn and just won't listen and keeps it up.  There's no point in talking to him.  The only defense I've been able to come up with thus far is to tell him, "I'm not doing this with you" (meaning argue, etc.) and leave the room.  So far it has worked but I'm afraid it's losing it's effect, but I'm just too weak to duke it out with him on every single issue.

I know that the marriage is bad and most likely after I get over this and we get our finances straight we will divorce, however, for financial reasons, right now we are stuck together.  Does anyone have any advice on how to best handle conflict, stress or arguements while working very hard to or once you are off of opiates?  

[road2recovery]

I second what j34 has said...Also, YOU are one strong lady...There are very few people that can taper from that amount , me being one of them...Much less under the stress you are going through...I do beleive you need to give yourself all the credit you deserve..
Focus on YOU!!  I know where i live there is free counsouling , maybe you can check around...For me stress was a big trigger, and I had to have counsouling or I dont think i would have made it...I know marriages are tough, but i do know for me, when i was clean, things turned around really fast..Maybe it was because I was happier with myself , and was able to be happy with others...But no matter how it turns out, just keep doing what you are doing...YOU are doing a fantastic job...I am praying for your sobriety, and only worry about today...God bless and good luck to you!!
r2r

[heather_r]

You sound like a very strong person to be doing this alone, it must be hard without support . Take care of yourself now and get better then you can better deal with the marriage. Best of luck to you.

[bobby139]

You sound like a very strong women and going in the right direction for sure! Be proud of yourself cuz even if he is he is not going to let you know it. He is scared that u just might stick up for yourself when your clean and strong. and yes remember the reason we used is not to feel the pain they r dishing out It took me along time to realize i cant please a man like that so do what pleases u cuz he is going to find something to yell at you about no matter what u do! Just like you said they get mad if you dont leave the house in yet if you do they get mad or you clean the house good its never good enouph. So please yourself and hope he will come around as he see's you become the strong women u were before the pills, and remember it takes time you have a long road but ur doing great so far keep it up. Remeber too how important it is to get away when he is in his moods in bedroom or where ever you feel safe so he dont mentally make u weak. if you want to PM me that would b great. hang in there, your going to make it and things will change for you in a great way. god bless

[Lucy825]

Hi Bobby -

Just got the response after typing my first one.  It's nice to know there are some kindred spirits who have the same issue.  I think that my husband actually liked me better when I was taking more, in some ways as well.  Isn't it funny?  He still expects the pill fueled superwoman that I was but doesn't want me taking the pills at the same time.  It just isn't possible and with him I can't win.  If I don't leave the house he complains, if I leave the house he complains.  Just last Sunday, I couldn't stand to be in the house with him, so I went for a drive.  When I came home, I heard about it.  He accused me of lying about where I'd been (which I didn't) and then tried the guilt thing because I could take this ride but not do other things he'd asked.  I'm starting to see it for what it is.  He thinks he can motivate me with guilt and stress and in the past it has worked very well for him because I would buy into it.  Over the last few days I'm seeing a change though.  I think he's realizing that it isn't working and he needs to change his approach.

Anyway, I wish you the best, Bobby, and thank you so much for your encouragement.  I feel much stronger today just having read these responses and getting through another day!

[Lucy825]

Thank you both for the responses.  They definately help.  I guess, yesterday, I was fearing an arguement when husband came home, but it was fairly peaceful.  He's just known as a very aggressive confrontational person.  I know this and I'm taking steps to protect myself and my recovery.  I know it is a 'selfish' thing, or more, something I must do for myself and I'm expecting him to respect that, however, he doesn't.  I've taken the attitude that it is okay if he doesn't and I'm learning to set boundaries.  I guess that's where I was faultering yesterday.  I was anticipating something that didn't happen which is usually something that will trigger me - fear.  Last night I just prepared myself as best possible and dealt with it and it was okay.  That alone made me feel much stronger this morning when I woke up and realized I'm still here, I didn't mess up my plan and actually waited even longer this morning before taking my scheduled dose.  I keep trying to push the time by even 15 minutes later and I do recognize my own accomplishments.  Husband would not, even if I shared them with him, recognize or acknowledge them so I don't bother.  I'm happy in my own success and working everyday to be free.

As far as counseling - for me, yes.  As soon as I can afford it and get back on track I plan to enter counseling.  Marriage counseling - well - I think we're beyond that and husband doesn't, "believe" in it so he says.  I tried over a year ago to get him there but it just won't happen.  Perhaps things will be different when I'm fully clean and I've not totally closed that door, but I'm skeptical.  There were so many problems before this addiction that I don't see them being overcome.  Actually one of the things that keeps me in the direction of being sober is that when I am I can finally be free of him so for now I cling to that.  He's controlling and extremely mentally abusive which is part of the reason I turned to the pills in the first place.  I do have to give him credit for sticking it out with me in order for me to get through this.  We've both agreed to put the 'relationship' on hold for now and that's what is needed.

I also see, now, thanks to you, that I was, somewhat putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.  In anticipating that conflict, firstly when it really didn't come, and in worrying so far ahead to how I will handle it going forward.  I keep telling myself one day at a time, but sometimes it's hard to stick to that mantra, you know and not think ahead because that's just part of how I'm wired.  I'm a consumate worry wart, something I inherited from my Mom, so that's something I need to work on, I guess.

Thanks again for your responses.  I'm still working on my sobriety slowly and I'm very confident in my success this time.  I'm going down from 2.5 to 2 pills per day starting tomorrow and coming from 20+ pills a day this is a HUGE accomplishment so I'm feeling good about it!

Thanks Again!

[bobby139]

gosh this sounds like i could of written it, i am so sorry you are having to go though this, my husband was and is the same, mine finally admitted he liked me better on them cuz i wouldnt argue back with him. You have to just tell yourself that if you relapse he wins, its hard i know but stick to your guns and once you are clean its so much easier to put up with them, and they tend to not give you so much **** after your clean for awhile. Get help if you cant do it on your own, i leave the room and go to my bedroom when mine starts up or a drive if you can. good luck sounds like your moving along good. god bless

[gizzy32]

Fearing a relapse before you quit is scary, but part of those addiction thoughts. Triggers play a key role in relapse and only you can decide if divorce is best. Just continue tapering down till your off them and go from there. A lot can change when we are clean and maybe some of these issues could be resolved. Have you thought about marriage counselling if you wanted to fix things after your clean? I just wanted to wish you luck and keep posting, this is a great place for support although you don't want relationship advice from me, lol.

[j34]

Suggestion is to get some counselling for you. You are the most important just think with your mind clear and your recovery first no body or anything will not have that control over you .Recovery is a self fish thing but so rewarding.instead of worrying about relapsing try to live in the moment and look at the positive in your accomplishments for me my recovery is one day at a time and when I first cleaned up it was sometimes one minute,You can also set boundaries with husband, me i had to go to a course and learn how to that!. Look to others for help and don't believe what hubby is saying you are worthy and worth good quality of life no matter what you have done in the past Just for today give yourself a break and keep your chin up. All the best j