Dealing with the pain and loss of dignity associated with addiction

[zoe1]

I hope that I don't offend anyone with this posting.  That isn't my intention.  I just feel that this story is worth sharing.  And, I do also have a question that directly relates to addiction.  

I myself am not an addict.  I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand.  I feel that I know you.

For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs.  We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married.  He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life.  But inside, he was always struggling.  He fought the addiction.  He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA.  Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him.  He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together).  That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment.  After that he came back to work.  He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol.  His work suffered A LOT.  He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go.  He got several DUIs.  

On March 3, he didn't show up for work.  His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed.  He'd shot himself in the head.  I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.  

This disease kills.  Now those left behind suffer.  Please don't allow it to take more lives.  -J

[Lilylamb]

Hi Zoe1
I know this thread is almost 10 yrs old (!) but I couldn't at least try to make contact with you after reading your terribly sad but inspirational story. I have been through something similar to you and identify so much with your story. It is very sad that the victims central to these stories are rarely given compassion and understanding and then their support people even less so. It is so tough being strong and loyal for someone you love who is hurting you out of fear. Just like the fearful dog who has been let down by humans... Ugly and vicious on the outside but really just scared and damaged on the inside. Still, so very hard to live with. If you happen to see this I would be so happy to make contact with you. Lily

[KimH]

This has been interresting, I'd like to share how it is for me. I used just because I am an addict. No pain, no med explanation, Just seemed like a good idea at the time!I have learned that it is alot more devastating than I ever imagined! After a long long run with drugs (and i do mean just about everything you think of)I got sober 4 yrs. I had a med situation, my doctor gave me a perscription, and I got addicted to the non addictive drug ultram. I think someone who dosen't understand drug addiction would say,"Why didn't you just get off them? You know what you went through before, why would you want to do that again? Obviously, with rationalization, I wouldn't, but once that drug enters my system, and my brain chemestry changes, my rational goes out the window. Alot of people think drug addiction is a moral thing. Why on God's green earth would people "choose" to loose their house, family, career, self, life ect and "morally" to do it again to see how much more we could loose? Juat listening to haw hard everyone struggles to get off drugs spells it out. KimH

[bmac]

Thanx Doll!
Unconditional?  I am a lucky man! Bill

[percsnomas]

Hey True, I remember you posting a lit'l while back.

I came off a 20+++/day percocet habit of many years last August, after tapering.

I'm glad you have such determination, because that will definately help you get your life back!!!!

I understand wanting to feel the pain and all, but if you are going to use nothing, please keep yourself hydrated!!! I would still suggest some Immodium, but hey its your call.

I want to tell you, getting control of my life again(after so many years on percs), has given me a much better appreciation of life period.  It is sooooooo worth it.

Please keep posting, as you continue in your recovery(ie. share the hope)

percs

[jack daniels]

i could not have said that any better.....thank you...Jack

[truehead]

I will keep you posted.. I don't know how much access I have to a computer after today.. I plan on staying outside for most of the w/d's.. last time I stayed inside the whole time and thought about how bad i felt.. not this time.. i want pain.. it will make me human.. and i want to be active.. it helps to take my mind off of my heart beating fast.. but honestly.. i dont feel bad.. and i know i wont.. its all in my mind.. everything is in my mind.. and my mind is made.. i am ready to experience whatever i need to.. to get myself back..

today is the first day of my life.. i am reborn..

one love.. thanks for the support..

i love you guys..

-true

[jack daniels]

That is how I felt when I went c/t 19 days ago

[truehead]

I have been on percocets for the last two-three years.. big time.. 10-20 a day.. fighting.. trying to stop.. tapering only to break and go back..

Life sucks.. but today is my first day.. pill free.. and I am not the least bit scared.. I have been through withdrawals before and they suck.. bad.. real bad.. but I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am losing myself.. losing my soul.. I have gotten to the point where I think if I can't be my own.. be myself.. I would feel better dead.. now bear in mind this is not a suicidal message.. but the exact opposite.. i am coming back to life.. i am going completely cold turkey.. no benzos.. no immodium.. no l-tyrosine.. not even hot baths.. i want to feel the pain.. the pain will let me know i am alive.. let me know that i used to deal with it.. the pain.. but for the last 2 years.. i have been hiding.. not anymore.. now i see the light.. now i want my life back.. now i want to stop lying.. and sneaking.. and pretending.. i want to feel.. i want to heal.. i want to be me..

i just wanted to share that with you.. i am the happiest person alive today.. the way i see it.. bring on the w/d's.. bring on the sleeplessness.. bring it on.. fear is my friend..


Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

[pammy0690]

You have lots of ladies who you can talk to bout whatever you want that love and care for you unconditionally.  Pammy

[bmac]

I wish you wouldn't say you don't belong here with us. You do. I wish my soon tobe exwife was on here telling you about my addiction and how she thinks I should handle that. I really would like the person that said she loved me to talk so freely about how she felt about addiction. All we did was fight and scream and now divorce. Your input is worth alot more here than you realize I think. I know I did not do a good job at replying to your original post and it sounded agrumentative. I didn't mean it like that. So stay and talk to us and tell us why we are ******* up,LOL Thanks  Bmac

[AlexisInTx]

Yes, I can relate too.  I used to work full time - managed a nice home, 2 beautiful kids and a demanding career as an Analyst, and tonight, I was huddling in my bedroom with the lights off at 5:00 p.m. sobbing because of the intense depression (I'm weaning off of Norco and benzos).  I'm still taking a small amount of buprenorphine and lowering my Klonopin dosage ever 1-2 weeks, but it's hell.  I KNOW that it will be worth it for you and I both.  

About an hour or so after this 'episode' (my kids were at the pool), I got a call from our re-financing agent that our closing was approved and our mortgage is now almost $200 less per month than it was originally, plus we have an extra month that we don't have to pay.  I know that has nothing to do with withdrawals, but it made me feel a little better.  

The depression is really horrendous, but with time, you'll begin to feel like yourself again.  I can't believe that I'm going through it again, but I know this time I don't have a choice.  It's hard to put into words, but I have a very deep feeling that the choice has been made for me and there is no way I can ever go back to that way of living again.  It's from here onward, not backward.  Please just take it in daily increments, or even hour by hour.  Cry if you need to, scream into a pillow, have a positive outlet (exercise is good if you can manage), drink lots of water to flush your system.  Know that you're giving yourself the best gift you can, and that a certain amount of suffering is natural (Oh, so easy to say and so hard to go through).

I came here tonight (can't sleep again) because this depression is just overwhelming and read your post and just felt that commonality of what so many of us here go through and it's just so hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's just my body re-adjusting itself to normalcy, as your's is.  I have to remind myself that I cannot be in self-destruct mode anymore, and that after I'm clean I have to be REALLY aware of the dangers of relapse.  Take care and know that there are others out there that are going through this and can totally empathize with what you're going through.

[AlexisInTx]

Wow, a thread that hasn't reached the maximum comments allowed, so I shall post a miniature post (yeah, right). ;)

I'm taking bup, and really decreasing my dosages drastically.  I honestly want to be off of ALL of this **** as soon as possible.  I had the most horrific stomach flu last Sunday (started at 7:00 a.m.) and is still somewhat there, although I don't know whether it's from the withdrawals or the remnants of the flu.  I've been really, really nauseous and have been trying to keep an open mind.  I'm running this mantra through my head over and over and over...."I'm not in this for short term gratification that will lead to long term consequences, I'm in this for the long haul that will eventually lead me out of the open door on the other side of a life filled with joy, as I once experienced it."  So I'm going to stifle the short term pleasure (it really doesn't seem so pleasurable after taking the Norco's for 2 years now - I've become a recluse, a hermit, a redundancy (ha) and a withdrawn angry person - this is NOT me.  I need to realize this, and I won't unless I'm off of this ****.  I've said this TIME and again, but I have to to do this NOW, because the longer I wait, the longer and harder it's going to be to come off of these pills.  The only reason I'm writing this is because I was once a lurker (and still am) and I know that others out there are and need to know that people here do care about you A LOT and understand what you're going through.

I had a true moment of clarity this weekend while I was so sick I couldn't keep anything down.  Since I'm on benzo's, this didn't work out so well so I had some strange goings-on and I KNEW deep down that (and I read this here just recently!) karma, or whatever you want to call it will follow you.  Every time I get a script, I get a big dose of bad karma.  Every time I do the right thing, I get rewarded by seeing my family happy and I see that my world shifts into a better place - things start looking up.  I feel like I'm constantly living with a dark cloud over my head when I take those pills, when I don't, I can see that silver lining (so much for the short post - I don't do those, though).  Yeppers, I've said that I've had enough of this **** way too many times to count (I've been on this forum for a year so this song with my tiny violin has been played too many times), but I know that I can't keep on doing this to myself ANYMORE.  I was thinking the other day (because of my clearer head) about the time my Mom took me to a wonderful little cafe when we lived in NC - it was all cherry wood inside and made THE BEST hamburgers and milkshakes.  I was only 10, but I remember it well.  I had lots of good childhood memories, but I just had such a joy inside of me - that pureness of heart that only comes from an un-altered state, and of course being a kid - but I did get those joys without these pills, and all too soon you forget what life's about when you take them.  I'm looking forward to reading a book, traveling, putting that money away for my kids that I formerly spent for drugs.  I know there's a long road ahead, but I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour if I have to.  I have no choice at this point.  I've already cut my benzo dosage in more than half, and am on a small amount of bup.  I'm not going through this again.  I just wanted to thank ALL of you guys (you know who you are - there are so many that I've talked with who are incredibly special people) who have been so instrumental in helping me.  It's not an overnight occurrance that you can combat, it may sometimes take YEARS (2 years in my case - this is TAKING those pills, not coming off of them), but this volleyball game is ending NOW.  I know my posts lately have been so self-involved, and I apologize for that, I just don't know quite what to say to others when I'm going through what I've been through these last 2 weeks.  

My mom has also just been diagnosed with possible colon cancer after having a stroke, which my Mom-in-Law just passed from last year about this time (colon cancer), so it's been really rough, although I know some of you are going through very hard times yourselves as well.  But there are so many positives when you feel like you're giving yourself and your family the best 'YOU' you can give them - can't change the current path, only can change how you react to it.  That's my goal now.  Take care, all. (my apologies for taking up too much bandwidth)

[MethMan]

Hey hippie,
You said, "just like when we plant somthing it takes a season to grow."
Um... were you referring to a good hemp crop?  Cause about every three months, it's time to harvest. :)
Just doin' my share to help "stick it to da man".
Peace,
Methman

[doner]

God I feel so stupid for having so much self pity after I read everyone elses posts. At the top part of the thread there was alot of talk about depression.It helped to know Im not the only one going through it.Its really bad though.I scare myself.i am naturally a very strong person and tell anyone that doesn't like it to f*** off. Now coming off meds I feel like the smallest most useless person in the world.Is that normal? I only have one true longtime friend in the world and he told me today that I am not at all the person he knew before the pills. I feel weak and sorry for myself when really I did this to myself. I dont even have a right to whine.I rolled the dice ,time to pay the price.I guess my question is can little pills make you feel this crazy when you quit? I feel so little when I should be proud as hell for as far as I have come.So what do ya'll think?Can coming off pills make you think you've lost your mind.I dont even know where the real me is anymore. I used to be cool as hell. Now I am just a little whiner who cant decide if life is worth living.Can coming off this junk make someone feel like this or am I bound to this depression forever?To anyone who suffered from bad depression after quiting(some people dont)some input would be awesome?Thanks for your time,Doner

[zoe1]

Hi...  I know that my story is sad.  I lost someone that I loved and that hurt.  But it isn't all bad.  I was able to have a long relationship with a wonderful person and for that I'm grateful.  He wasn't abusing drugs when we met (neither of us even knew what oxy meant).  The first time he went through treatment, I went to family week and was introduced to 12-step programs, specifically Al-Anon.  For me, that has changed my life.  I have been able to apply the 12 steps to my own life and slowly, slowly change my own life.  

Don't get me wrong.. it wasn't easy.  Toward the end of his life, watching him self-destruct was *very* hard on me.  During that time, I went to extra meetings and also saw a counselor.  I finally realized that I had to be responsible for myself.  No matter what he did, my happiness was/is up to me.  

The week before he killed himself, a peaceful feeling came over me... I just sortof realized that we were never going to be us -- that although I loved him, it was over.  (I'd broken up with him months before that, but this was different).. so, I told someone who I knew I could trust that if he were to ask me out, I'd go.   I went on a date with a different man in the 1st time in over 6 years -- nothing wild, just a movie.  Then the day before he shot himself, my ex-fiance called me.  For some reason, I just let him talk and listened without judging.  He was obviously drunk or high or both and wasn't making a whole lot of sense, but I still just listened.. no point in nagging.  He told me about some crazy plan he had and I just said that it sounded like a good idea and that I was proud of him.  

That was the last time I talked with him.  

I believe that everything that happened to me throughout that time was my higher power guiding me.  Without Al-Anon, I never would have let go enough to let things happen as they did.  Of and by myself, I probably would have told my ex that I knew he was drunk and lectured him.  Then I would have regretted it forever.  That goodness that I had turned that control over!  

I can honestly say that I just loved him..  as he was.  That doesn't mean that I would have subjected myself to life with an active addict;  I wouldn't/couldn't have done that.  I also love myself.    

Well, I'm rambling on...  I know this is a forum for addicts and not really people like me.  If you want to talk more, kiki, let me know.

[SarpyJesse]

Kim- You have a GREAT outlook and attitude when it comes to "Life".......... I'm glad you posted what you did-- You probably helped more people than you realize.

Some of you "Old-timers" may get a kick out of this article I stumbled upon tonight:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=638&ncid=762&e=1&u=/nm/20030618/en_nm/people_hunter_dc

[Jerri2]

Glad to see you back and posting again!I was wondering where you went to!?!I wish you all the luck in the world you can do it girl!!!Love to ya..Jerri

[tobie]

I was glad to read your post.I feel the exact same way.But this is like the 3rd time I've detoxed off oxy's and that feeling will past.Me and one of my friends were talking today and she said you know before the pills you were the 1st one in the club and the last one to leave and now I don't even go to the store for cigarrettes.I feel like I have no personality and I don't know if I even want one,hell yes I do.See I'm just as confused as you.But hell,I go through this so much you'd think I liked it.Remember this it helps me a lot:IT DOES'NT MATTER IF YOU WIN THE FIGHT AS LONG AS YOU WIN THE WAR!!    email me if you wanna whine together sometimes it helps and I been doin'a lotta whining lately.                     Tobie  (***@****)

[Kiwi chick]

Kia ora, I just found this forum tonight. I'm on about day three of w/d and feeling damned low and alone in the world.I'm addicted to Morphine, Heroin and Methadone. My problem is that i am a secretive addict, so the only people who know i am using are my drug buddies.  I have a new partner of about 6 weeks.I injected in front of him on our first date because i thought it was better to be straight up and then he could leave then and there if he wanted. I must say he wasn't very comfortable with it, but for some reason he stuck around! He has no idea that i'm in w/d because he thought that i had cleaned up . i did, for about ten days, then stupidly turned back and went in for more.  He has no understanding of opiate addiction, thinking that when i cleaned up about 5 weeks ago, that i was cured or something. He didn't even acknowledge the hugeness of this for me. (I managed to clean up for about 6 weeks last year, but then as soon as i had just one taste, it was all back on.) So anyway, as is expected,all the emotional stuff i had been supressing for the last ten years began to rear it's ugly head again once i was clean. I couldn't deal with it alone and so one night after ringing up Drug and alcohol counsellors begging for help,("sorry we might be able to see you next week. We'll give you a call") i decided just to get wasted instead of face my emotions.Since then,i have been using nearly everyday. I hate that i am not being honest with my man, but he said in the beginning that he wasn't going to stick around if i was using. Originally he was a great reason for me to give it all up, but it wasn't as easy as that.( if only!) My last boyfriend left me and stated that my 'insincere and half hearted voicing of wanting to give up' was painful to watch. that made me feel like a right idiot. I don't want to lose another partner due to my addiction, but i am coming to realise that i can't do this on my own, I need fellow addicts to talk to. My privacy about being an addict, " a dirty junkie" is a big deal to me. NZ is a small place and i have a career to protect, so i am glad i found you guys. NA is not an option for me. Neither is residential treatment, slthough i sometimes wish i could go there. I'm really struggling here.  i live in shame and fear of being found out. Sometimes i envy my other friends who can outwardly admit " I'm a jumkie!" Cos they are then able to access more support than i can. I suffer in silence and feel like one big fraud most of the time because of it. I also am quite a spiritual person, and am having this problem with karma too. I have it in my head that if i use then nothing will go right, and if i don't use, then it will all get better. One of the resons i relapsed last year is that life just DIDN'T get better by not using. In fact. it was harder. Obviously this way of thinking isn't right is it! oh well, that's all i have to say.

[KimH]

Just don't talk to me when I have PMS! LOL KimH

[hippy]

just like when we plant somthing it takes a season to grow.
a season is 3 months.
so when we say we reap what we sow, we have to be realistic
about how long it takes for things to come to frutation.
as addicts we are addicted to instant gratification.
we want thing s to happen yestersday.
things take time , patients is a virture.
patients is faith.
recaprocity -we reap what we sow is a principle,
if you plant corn you get corn, if you plant goodness you get goodness.
this topic started about derpression, something we all have
experence with, we learn not to pay to much attention to our feelings, because as addicts they always in the end tell us to kill our selves.
when we put down the drugs it takes months before we get past
depression, in the 1st few weeks it can be severe.
things like l-tyrosine help a lot, along with 5htp.
and some of us need meds like prosac or paxil.

as we stay clean things do get better, we just have to
folllow those who have gone before us and let them be our example.

peace!!!!!hippy

[pammy0690]

Maybe if you are struggling with your addiction now would be the time to take it slow with a relationship.  You should be really selfish right now and not be concerned about what others think.  If you are serious about wanting to quit then do what it is going to take.  Honesty is always the best policy and and deserve someone who accepts you for who you are.  If you lie and cover up then it is you that loses in the end.  Six weeks is not a long time and I really think that taking it slow and more importantly taking care of yourself and being honest is most important.  Do not sell yourself short, and sell yourself out.  Goodluck!  Pammy

[tobie]

Hello!Most of you probally don't remember me but I've posted a few times.This time is different.Ok,I have been addicted to oxy's for 2 years now and I've tried desperatly to get off but never had much success.About 3 weeks ago I started getting the strangest feeling,like something was about to change.So me and my husband went to see an addictionologist and told him everything.He gave us clonidine and phenobarbital.I was like comatose that day, after I took this,I have a 5 year old to take care of so needless to say I could'nt cont' this.So back on pills I went (200-250mgs.aday)Then june 13 my world fell apart.My mother found out EVERYTHING!(I'M ONLY 22)She came over to my house took my daughter and refused to give her back untill I could pass a drug test.I was screwed!!So,I decided it was time to quit so I bought 3 and a half methadone wafers and took 1 every 24 hrs and I had no wd's and now it's been 5 days clean from everything but I feel so down.I don't know how to act.I feel like I'm learning to live all over agian.How do I get through this?I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to.I'm bored.Any advice or just someone to talk to would be great.My email address is ***@**** so long-Tobie

[pammy0690]

My advice although I am still on meds hang on it gets better.  Find some outpatient group for support, and maybe see a doc about a depression med.  Also Make yourself exercise and do stuff.  You are in the time when the depression is bad and you starting to think why did I get clean so that I can be depressed all of the time? In no time you will be better but really it takes as long as it takes.  Sounds like your mother in a harsh way really showed you how much she loves and cares about you and your family by giving out some tough love.  I bet it was a hard thing for her to do but she did it because she loves you.  Best of luck to you and I hope it all comes out ok.  I think if you stay the course it will!  Peace Pammy