Member Comments are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! MedHelp International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any comments posted on this site, or the content and/or accuracy of such exchanges. MedHelp International does not endorse the views of any user.
Dealing with the pain and loss of dignity associated with addiction
by zoe1, Jun 18, 2003 12:00AM
I hope that I don't offend anyone with this posting. That isn't my intention. I just feel that this story is worth sharing. And, I do also have a question that directly relates to addiction.
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
Related discussions
-
another day (116 replies):mornin fellow junkies. todays another day. some of us ar...[more]
-
Death, Depression etc............... (114 replies):I need help today, I found out yesterday that my uncle d...[more]
-
how long will the withdrawal last from hydrocodone? (165 replies):I am on day 9 of my detox from hydrocodone 10/650, about...[more]
-
How long does hydrocodone stay in the system? (128 replies):I have been off painkillers for about 2 weeks and still ...[more]
-
How to withdraw from long-term hydrocodone use (141 replies):I've been taking hydrocodone for the past five years, an...[more]
-
Withdrawl from Oxycotin (110 replies):I have been on a different pain killer for the past 7 mo...[more]
-
Hi everyone can you help me get through this ? (244 replies):Day 1 of CT from OC about 80mg's a day for several month...[more]
-
Withdrawal and Depression (169 replies):I finally got to post!! I have been experiencing severe ...[more]
Post Comment
Related Communities
Recent Videos
Related Expert Forums
Recent Activity
Most Popular Trackers
RSS
Expert Activity
Community Members
Most Viewed Health Pages
It scares me that I see the same behaviours in the posts of some of the "regulars" here. I feel that a part of this disease is the tendency to blame others for your feelings rather than taking responsibilty for your own happiness. I know that the addict I loved often allowed things that I considered inconsequencial (even the rather offensive things that I've seen posted here) to affect him in a SEVERE way. It just isn't worth it... life is short enough as-is. Why waste any of the precious time obsessing over something someone else says, does, or feels that you have no control over. Why not slow down and see the beauty in the world around us? Just appreciate the little things. Life hurts a lot less when you let go of the pain. I often watched him self-medicate to try to escape reality.
Oh well... I'll get off my soapbox now. I wish you all the best.
We are all born with a 'Toolbelt'. It is empty, except for a couple of 'tools' that God gives us a birth...crying to let our parents know when we're unhappy and smiling to let our parents know when we're happy. Besides that, there's not much in there.
As we go through life, we have the OPPORTUNITY to pick up 'tools' along the way and place them in our 'toolbelt'. Good times bring the easy tools and we willingly and happily grab up those tools and proudly put them in our toolbelt. We pull them out when we want to share an uplifting story or event that happened to us. As important as those 'tools' are...they are not the most useful when it comes to helping others...and it seems that there are so many people in this world with toolbelts FULL of those types of tools...God Bless Them for such a simple, uncomplicated life. However, I've found that many of those people have absolutely no compassion or even tolorence for those of us who have chosen (or simply found ourselves on) a different path.
The bad or difficult times in our lives are another story and the 'tools' from these experiences are worth more than all the gold in the world. However, with that said, it seems that there are a lot of people out there that have gone through wicked-aweful times, yet they don't have these tools in their toolbelts, either. What they went through hurt them so much that when they did come out on the other end of it, they actually resented having had the experience or the pain was just too overwhelming that they couldn't even LOOK at the tool, let alone CLAIM IT and put it in their toolbelt. Instead, they made the choice to ignore it or simply toss it to the side...feeling ashamed or ignorant for ever getting themselves into the situation in the first place. BUT ... These are the most useful, powerful and life-changing tools that one can possess!
Where am I going with this? Well, look at what all of us have gone through. For some of us it has been hell...for others the hell is upon us at this very moment...and for even others the hell awaits us, nawing at our very core, afraid that the pills will run out, or we'll die before we get ahold of this damn addiction. BUT ALAS! This is the only truly POSSITIVE thing that we can take with us from this whole ordeal. Because of this, our compassion for others is so strong that we feel completely compelled to reach out to someone else who is going through their own hell and say "I know"..."I've been there"..."It WILL be ok, just trust me and let me help". OUR TOOLBELTS ARE FULL!
So as to not take up any more space here...I'll just close in saying that...We have SO MANY TOOLS in our toolbelts that can truly help others! THANK GOD for the wonderful people here and for the way that they have taken this 'tool' borne out of dispair and depression, anxiety and pain, and have chosen to put it in their 'toolbelt' for the good of mankind, rather than hiding their past pain and ignoring the benefits that can be had through them!
Zoe1, you now have a new 'tool' as well. You have been through hurt and pain and loss of a loved one. Be sure to take that tool and place it in your toolbelt. You will be able to help so many others who are right now walking in the shoes you wore down that perverbial path of loving an addict.
Just the musings of a tormented soul....
Peace and in One service,
Nana
ps. Hope I didn't offend anyone...it was NOT my intent.
Nana
Thank you so much for sharing with us. It really made me cry. You are a wonderful and special person and you do have so much to offer. He was so blessed to have you.
Thank you again and you will be added to my prayer list.
Take care,
Sandy
Nana,
You are also a very special person. Your post was so uplifting and you are absolutely right. I would not trade anything for what I have been through, because I would not be the person I am today. When you go through really bad and dark times and you come out of it, you can really see how beautiful life can be. I made up my mind last night to start volunteering and give back what I have been blessed with. I am so glad you got things straighened out with your doctor. I will be thinking of you.
Take care,
Sandy Good luck to all of us!
My question is rather strange. Regardless of my path here, I'm here. But the reason for my addiction hasn't been addressed on any thread, so maybe you can give me some insight. I'm terrified of dreaming. Not so much bad dreams, just dreams in general. I found out a long time ago that if I took vicoden, then I didn't dream (or acknowledge the dream. And typical, the longer I took it, the more I needed. I'm up to 20 a day, chased with 3-4 Unisom sleeping pills.
I've tried Valium and other benzo's, and I still dream. Not sure how to break this cycle. I know I want to quit (who doesn't), but then I DON'T want to quit because the hell of taking medication is not worse than the hell of dreaming. Yes, I'm working with a doc on the mental aspect (why I'm afraid), and while I hope for long term results, it doesn't help with the short term. So I keep medicating.
I feel like I'm in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.
What is it about Vicoden specifically that keeps you from dreaming/ acknowledging dreams, but still feeling rested?
Bmac
It is terribly difficult to watch someone who can't do that self-destruct. I prefer not to think of my former fiance as a "loser".... rather, I see him as a very ill person. He just couldn't find a way out.
BUT, I think it is important to clarify what I think of as his "illness". He often said things like "you would never leave me if I had cancer -- why leave me if I use?". I don't see choosing to abuse drugs in the same way as I see cancer. Rather, I see it as an illness similar to a compulsion to run a car into a tree. The 1st time he did it, I pulled him out and nursed him to health (risking my own safety).. I did the same the 2nd time but with reservations... the 3rd time, I left him to pull himself out (I didn't want to be burned again)... finally, he continued to run into the tree and was unable to pull himself out.
In open NA meetings that I attended (yes, even non-addicts are welcomed in the *open* meetings here -- I truly love some of those guys), I often heard that you either quit abusing drugs or you end up in jail, institution, or dead. Its scary but true.
The same goes for everyone.. either we take responsibility for our own actions or we don't. Either we live life to the fullest or we don't. Either we allow others to pull us down, or we don't. Its simple concept -- but harder to really live.
I don't always do everything right! I still get my self into stupied situations like taking these tramadol foolishly when I knew I should have put them down (and I could have)! But he is still here for me. I am glad I have my faith to comfort me because I today am afraid to kill myself because of it. I'm not quite ready to meet him yet! KimH
Take care,
Sandy
Sugarbeens
By the way, I got laid off today! But I got an interview tomorrow and another on tuesday! Not gonna bring me down!
Some of you "Old-timers" may get a kick out of this article I stumbled upon tonight:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=638&ncid=762&e=1&u=/nm/20030618/en_nm/people_hunter_dc
I'm taking bup, and really decreasing my dosages drastically. I honestly want to be off of ALL of this **** as soon as possible. I had the most horrific stomach flu last Sunday (started at 7:00 a.m.) and is still somewhat there, although I don't know whether it's from the withdrawals or the remnants of the flu. I've been really, really nauseous and have been trying to keep an open mind. I'm running this mantra through my head over and over and over...."I'm not in this for short term gratification that will lead to long term consequences, I'm in this for the long haul that will eventually lead me out of the open door on the other side of a life filled with joy, as I once experienced it." So I'm going to stifle the short term pleasure (it really doesn't seem so pleasurable after taking the Norco's for 2 years now - I've become a recluse, a hermit, a redundancy (ha) and a withdrawn angry person - this is NOT me. I need to realize this, and I won't unless I'm off of this ****. I've said this TIME and again, but I have to to do this NOW, because the longer I wait, the longer and harder it's going to be to come off of these pills. The only reason I'm writing this is because I was once a lurker (and still am) and I know that others out there are and need to know that people here do care about you A LOT and understand what you're going through.
I had a true moment of clarity this weekend while I was so sick I couldn't keep anything down. Since I'm on benzo's, this didn't work out so well so I had some strange goings-on and I KNEW deep down that (and I read this here just recently!) karma, or whatever you want to call it will follow you. Every time I get a script, I get a big dose of bad karma. Every time I do the right thing, I get rewarded by seeing my family happy and I see that my world shifts into a better place - things start looking up. I feel like I'm constantly living with a dark cloud over my head when I take those pills, when I don't, I can see that silver lining (so much for the short post - I don't do those, though). Yeppers, I've said that I've had enough of this **** way too many times to count (I've been on this forum for a year so this song with my tiny violin has been played too many times), but I know that I can't keep on doing this to myself ANYMORE. I was thinking the other day (because of my clearer head) about the time my Mom took me to a wonderful little cafe when we lived in NC - it was all cherry wood inside and made THE BEST hamburgers and milkshakes. I was only 10, but I remember it well. I had lots of good childhood memories, but I just had such a joy inside of me - that pureness of heart that only comes from an un-altered state, and of course being a kid - but I did get those joys without these pills, and all too soon you forget what life's about when you take them. I'm looking forward to reading a book, traveling, putting that money away for my kids that I formerly spent for drugs. I know there's a long road ahead, but I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour if I have to. I have no choice at this point. I've already cut my benzo dosage in more than half, and am on a small amount of bup. I'm not going through this again. I just wanted to thank ALL of you guys (you know who you are - there are so many that I've talked with who are incredibly special people) who have been so instrumental in helping me. It's not an overnight occurrance that you can combat, it may sometimes take YEARS (2 years in my case - this is TAKING those pills, not coming off of them), but this volleyball game is ending NOW. I know my posts lately have been so self-involved, and I apologize for that, I just don't know quite what to say to others when I'm going through what I've been through these last 2 weeks.
My mom has also just been diagnosed with possible colon cancer after having a stroke, which my Mom-in-Law just passed from last year about this time (colon cancer), so it's been really rough, although I know some of you are going through very hard times yourselves as well. But there are so many positives when you feel like you're giving yourself and your family the best 'YOU' you can give them - can't change the current path, only can change how you react to it. That's my goal now. Take care, all. (my apologies for taking up too much bandwidth)
a season is 3 months.
so when we say we reap what we sow, we have to be realistic
about how long it takes for things to come to frutation.
as addicts we are addicted to instant gratification.
we want thing s to happen yestersday.
things take time , patients is a virture.
patients is faith.
recaprocity -we reap what we sow is a principle,
if you plant corn you get corn, if you plant goodness you get goodness.
this topic started about derpression, something we all have
experence with, we learn not to pay to much attention to our feelings, because as addicts they always in the end tell us to kill our selves.
when we put down the drugs it takes months before we get past
depression, in the 1st few weeks it can be severe.
things like l-tyrosine help a lot, along with 5htp.
and some of us need meds like prosac or paxil.
as we stay clean things do get better, we just have to
folllow those who have gone before us and let them be our example.
peace!!!!!hippy
Take care,
Sandy
I kept reading this post every day and it really kept me going. Every day even though I was not posting, because I felt too bad to type, I would read something that would give me inspiration. So, keep reading.
Thanks to everyone.
that I am going thru withdrawls for the 3rd or 4th time in my life. In july of 99, I was struck by a vehicle that pulled right out in front of me. I was driving to a fourth of july party in my freshly waxed 71 Chevy Nova SS. One the accident happened my foot was in a lot of pain, but I kinda shrugged that off and was wprried about my car. The hospital sent me home
with some medicine for the pain Tylenol w/codeine. No big Deal, I was 24 at the time and never even took pills for a headache nevermind this addictive stuff. So, as the pain continued I went to an Ortho-Surgeun who without care, prescribed my Vicoden, then up to vicodin es. I guess I was probably taking 7-9of those a day.I remember one night wondering why I was so talkiitive and excited about everything, because I always took 1 pill just sleep thru the night, eventually I figured out that it was he medicine and, that night I became an addict. It seems to always come back though, I recently pulled a tendon in my arm at work and they prescribed me vicoden. I know..I know, I should have said something, but I didn't. I took the pills ad used em all and the hunt was on for more. I had a person suplying me with morphine pils, he is now in jail for selling drugs. I don't want to end up like that and i don't think any of you do either. It soes seem like forever, in fact I feel so week and crappy that all I wanted to do is get to the computer and tell my story. Thanks for readig, and believe me, the sooner you stop the better. Last summer I was clean and I never felt better. Now I ave lost wirght, have constant shakes when I try to sleep, nothing I enjoy doing works as my concentration sucks.....Well good luck to us all and God Bless..take care of your body's it's the only thimg you truly own and have power over..bye 4 now
Doner, if the kids want to stay in the house, try putting out construction paper, glue, paint, child scissors, markers, crayons, and I don't know if you have any creation books, but if not they are cheep. Kids will play for hours with this stuff. They may make a mess, but it dosen't take long to clean. Then stick them in the tub with cups of shaving cream mixed with food coloring, small containere, empty water filled spray bottles. The yogurt containers with the plastic spoon are good, they can pretend they are shaving, and is another activity they won't get board of too fast. Kim
Love,
Suzie
This is for Zoe 1--wow what a depressing story.
I am so very sorry for you and really empathise with you. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years is on oxy's and cannot stay away from them, he just uses them for entertainment, not pain....I travel out of town on business alot and always have this dread fear of coming home to something as awful as you had to face. It really becomes an unmanageable crazy world doesn't it. I am not sure how you were finally strong enough to let go, I really admire you for that, but I am certain that it did not help to ease your pain in losing him. How are you doing now? I am glad to hear you do not blame yourself in anyway...it's just so difficult to understand why they cannot see how terrific life is and how much better it can be without the drugs, I'm just am thankful and pray that I never have to know it from their side.
Don't get me wrong.. it wasn't easy. Toward the end of his life, watching him self-destruct was *very* hard on me. During that time, I went to extra meetings and also saw a counselor. I finally realized that I had to be responsible for myself. No matter what he did, my happiness was/is up to me.
The week before he killed himself, a peaceful feeling came over me... I just sortof realized that we were never going to be us -- that although I loved him, it was over. (I'd broken up with him months before that, but this was different).. so, I told someone who I knew I could trust that if he were to ask me out, I'd go. I went on a date with a different man in the 1st time in over 6 years -- nothing wild, just a movie. Then the day before he shot himself, my ex-fiance called me. For some reason, I just let him talk and listened without judging. He was obviously drunk or high or both and wasn't making a whole lot of sense, but I still just listened.. no point in nagging. He told me about some crazy plan he had and I just said that it sounded like a good idea and that I was proud of him.
That was the last time I talked with him.
I believe that everything that happened to me throughout that time was my higher power guiding me. Without Al-Anon, I never would have let go enough to let things happen as they did. Of and by myself, I probably would have told my ex that I knew he was drunk and lectured him. Then I would have regretted it forever. That goodness that I had turned that control over!
I can honestly say that I just loved him.. as he was. That doesn't mean that I would have subjected myself to life with an active addict; I wouldn't/couldn't have done that. I also love myself.
Well, I'm rambling on... I know this is a forum for addicts and not really people like me. If you want to talk more, kiki, let me know.
You said, "just like when we plant somthing it takes a season to grow."
Um... were you referring to a good hemp crop? Cause about every three months, it's time to harvest. :)
Just doin' my share to help "stick it to da man".
Peace,
Methman
About an hour or so after this 'episode' (my kids were at the pool), I got a call from our re-financing agent that our closing was approved and our mortgage is now almost $200 less per month than it was originally, plus we have an extra month that we don't have to pay. I know that has nothing to do with withdrawals, but it made me feel a little better.
The depression is really horrendous, but with time, you'll begin to feel like yourself again. I can't believe that I'm going through it again, but I know this time I don't have a choice. It's hard to put into words, but I have a very deep feeling that the choice has been made for me and there is no way I can ever go back to that way of living again. It's from here onward, not backward. Please just take it in daily increments, or even hour by hour. Cry if you need to, scream into a pillow, have a positive outlet (exercise is good if you can manage), drink lots of water to flush your system. Know that you're giving yourself the best gift you can, and that a certain amount of suffering is natural (Oh, so easy to say and so hard to go through).
I came here tonight (can't sleep again) because this depression is just overwhelming and read your post and just felt that commonality of what so many of us here go through and it's just so hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's just my body re-adjusting itself to normalcy, as your's is. I have to remind myself that I cannot be in self-destruct mode anymore, and that after I'm clean I have to be REALLY aware of the dangers of relapse. Take care and know that there are others out there that are going through this and can totally empathize with what you're going through.
Life sucks.. but today is my first day.. pill free.. and I am not the least bit scared.. I have been through withdrawals before and they suck.. bad.. real bad.. but I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am losing myself.. losing my soul.. I have gotten to the point where I think if I can't be my own.. be myself.. I would feel better dead.. now bear in mind this is not a suicidal message.. but the exact opposite.. i am coming back to life.. i am going completely cold turkey.. no benzos.. no immodium.. no l-tyrosine.. not even hot baths.. i want to feel the pain.. the pain will let me know i am alive.. let me know that i used to deal with it.. the pain.. but for the last 2 years.. i have been hiding.. not anymore.. now i see the light.. now i want my life back.. now i want to stop lying.. and sneaking.. and pretending.. i want to feel.. i want to heal.. i want to be me..
i just wanted to share that with you.. i am the happiest person alive today.. the way i see it.. bring on the w/d's.. bring on the sleeplessness.. bring it on.. fear is my friend..
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
I came off a 20+++/day percocet habit of many years last August, after tapering.
I'm glad you have such determination, because that will definately help you get your life back!!!!
I understand wanting to feel the pain and all, but if you are going to use nothing, please keep yourself hydrated!!! I would still suggest some Immodium, but hey its your call.
I want to tell you, getting control of my life again(after so many years on percs), has given me a much better appreciation of life period. It is sooooooo worth it.
Please keep posting, as you continue in your recovery(ie. share the hope)
percs
Unconditional? I am a lucky man! Bill
today is the first day of my life.. i am reborn..
one love.. thanks for the support..
i love you guys..
-true