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Death, Depression etc...............
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Death, Depression etc...............

I need help today, I found out yesterday that my uncle died, now thats not a huge issue however, once again it brings up bad memories of losing a good friend and this morning when I woke up I was miserable, I ached everywhere and I couldn't get out of bed. I was late for work and I have to go to a wake tonight, I can't handle this right now, I feel like I have become an intravert in the last 24 hours, I don't want anything to do with anyone, i just want to forget about everything including my life and just sleep. I don't know what I will do in the next two days, but I'm very upset and more scared then anything........

GWH
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i'm very sorry about your uncle, but please do not let this destroy all the hard work you've done.  you will get thru this...just keep posting - go to a meeting if you are feeling desperate.  you know that this is the hard part - you've been right here before.  there are going to be many obstacles to overcome in the future, but you can't let them drag you down.  you'll be able to handle them even better, because you will be stronger and be thinking clearly.

go to the gym or whatever you need to do to take your mind off feeling depressed...you can do this - keep telling yourself that.

p.s. how come you got to start a new thread - i can NEVER do it.
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thanks for the comment, I needed to hear from someone.  I don't know how I got to post, I guess it was a sign...........I can never post a new question!! i get so irritated.  Anyway, I'm doing a little better, I think I need to get out of here sometime soon though, I need to be by myself, and away from work, you know?
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Hey dude, plese hang on today...

I too know the pain of loosing loved ones.  I am only 24 and have buried 3 friends my age.  

This is a trying time for you.  It is Gods little test for you, he throws this on you, which is too much to bear, and wants to see if you crack right now.  Don't give in to the Dope no matter what, it will take away the pain for 4 hours, then you will have to deal with all this later.

Time by yourself is important right now.  When my best friend died 8 years ago, I didn't see daylight for a week.  All I did was lay in bed, crying occasionally.  It is a sort of spriritual cleansing that must happen.  You have every excuse to feel the way you do.

I know that being without drugs so early after you last detox, you must have a hell of a depression right now, and this on top of it is no better, but it is a test, and I believe you will make it through with flying colors.  Please don't use GWH, I don't want you to be in pain again, not for this, not for a pill.  

I suck at condolences, but please hang on, at least for today.  Life looks like **** now, but will be much better once you pass this, because you will be able to look back and see how strong you were.  That may be enough to keep you clean for life...

Post often, today you will need it, or if you want become a recluse for a week, just please don't go for the easy-out.
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i think being alone won't be good for you right now...it's been my experience that i tend to wallow and become more depressed being alone..it's a delicate time in your recovery, and it would probably be good to surround yourself with people - also, it makes it more difficult to slip up.

a few months ago, my husband went skiing and our daughter stayed at my mother's house for a couple nights.  i was completely alone and had a big article to work on...i ended up relapsing, and convincing myself that there was no one else in the world right then, no one would know about it, etc etc.  it was the worst relapse i've ever had.  looking back, i really feel that had i been around family, i wouldn't have done it.

stay strong!!
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gwh, what you are feeling is all part of the recovery process. Highs and lows!!  Please don't give up now.  Maybe the friend you lost is looking over you and can help you get through this.  Make him proud.
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does anyone want to go to the chat room?
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never heard from you before, but believe it or not, that post just flipped a switch, actually it gave me the chills and goose bumps.  I lost this friend on 9/11 and I have thought about him day and night ever since, he was a college roommate and best friend, I can't even begin to speak about it, but he was killed because he was on the 104th floor helping others, he had the chance to leave, he even called his mother, but he wouldn't leave until everyone was out........ god bless him, and god bless you for reminding me of him because right now I think he could be a huge influence to me.  As a matter of fact, we used to smoke cigarettes together all the time, but then 4 months before graduation he decided to stop, I have no idea how he did, but he did it............ Thank you for the thought

GWH
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I will
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the page won't load..............
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bummer - i'm in there right now.
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I am glad to help.  The people on this board have helped me tremendously!  What a tragic loss for you.  Sounds like your friend was a wonderful person.  I bet you are glad to have known him.  I don't post to often on this board but I do read it often.  Actually it is this board that has inspired me to stopped taking vicodens.  I have taken one a night for several years now.  I know one pill a day may not seem like a big deal to some but I no longer needed it for the knee pain that it was originally prescribed for.  I just took it because it gave me energy and made me feel good.  Although I knew it was wrong I really just looked forward to it.  Hopefully, those days are behind me.  Thank you for listening.

Take care.
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gwh:
i've discovered that when i'm having a bad day, the sooner i ad-
mit i'm having a bad day, the sooner it seems to be over with.
it isn't fair! getting clean should exempt us from ever having a
bad day.... too bad it doesn't work out that way!

i'm just sick in my heart every time i hear about your friend...
there are so many reasions you have to go pick up again, you
just don't need this too!

so don't pick up today! accept the fact your having a bad day and
leave it at that! put off the dope a day (it will always be out
there)!

i've found that some days the best a junky can do is to put their
head down and move forward no matter what. if i had my way, you
wouldn't have to do this...but reality is usually different than
the way i would have things so...

keep an angel on your shoulder and keep posting!
kip
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This post and forum has been absoulty amazing. I had tears in my eyes reading it. GOD BLESS you GWH. I can't say anything,it was already stated, I can only agree. Things aren't what they appear and I could write a story about GOD'S hurdles. I think HE is smiling on me now because I passed the TESTS. It's a true feeling I've felt. Can't explain it. You'll feel it too. One foot in front of the other. SB
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nean the wourld to me//////////////////





















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I was hooked on onxcocet for about for months and taking about 50 mg a day. less in the start and more at the end.  I stopped for three weeks but my friends are all hooked and I started agian for about a month. Im dreading the withdrawal  but also every day i wake up and think about them. how do I stop this constent thinking and get on with my life. im only 21 plase any one with info would be great.
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Hi ewvery one. Im new this system but would relly, please really like some help or some one to talk to. I just posted a message but i would like to paint you a picture (quick one) of who i am. I just graduated with honours for my local university and am anttending teachers collage in the fall.I am only 21. I took oxycocet 5mg taps for four months every day less at the start and more at the end any where from 5 to 15 pills a day. unlike my friends who would buy 15 and only take 2 at a time all dayk, I took all 15 at once to get that "rush" you know what I mean. I stopped cold turkey one day when I told my girlfriend what was going one and the withdrawal wad horabble. but 3 weeks to a month later I was using agin. first in small doeses only 5 (5mg tabs a day) then before i new it it was 20 or so a day. once my dealer got 20mg tabs and i took 160 + mg in one day and not much better the next two. I have hit rock bottom, and must stopped because im out of money and also because I HAVE TO. I'm only 21 and have a loving family and girlfriend who would die if they new i was using again. today was my last day (I pray) took about 50mg worth and will stop cold turkey aging since i dont have the control to ween off them. you people are the first people I have been about to take to and just telling you makes me feel somewhat better, I dont know why. I have my whole life in front of me and i jsut pray its not to late to fix things up. I cannot go into rehab, to many complications in a town my size. but I did it once on my own i figure I can do it again. I would jsut like to know if there are other people in my situation that could give my any advice both positve or even negative if it is constructive to the situation. Please, I dont really have any one to talk to so this is my last chance. Ive been using againg every day for about 3 weeks about about 2 to 4 times a week for 2 weeks before that.its been 12 hours since my last dose so i know the bad stuff is comming, its the restlessness and aggitation i have trouble dealing with. is there any thing i can take?  it has only been the last 3 weeks that have been really bad. pleas help. Thank YOu and God Bless
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I promise, last post guys but it's 4 in the moring my time and i cannot sleep, a common side effect for me. "gwh, or Ghw" im hot sure i'm  getting it right but your post seem to be well advise and you present an educated backgoung on the subject. I dont want to come across "pushy" like i said this is my first time using this program and im not completly aware of the "rules" or how thing work. againg any help would be greatly appricated.
Thank You
Fraser (of course not my real name but i thought i would do)!!
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hi there - i saw your barrage of posts, and i really feel for you.  it sounds like you haven't been on this stuff for too long, but it is still isn't going to be a walk in the park.  you have to be able to drag through the physical withdrawal, and it can be very uncomfortable, to say the least...runny nose, the runs, chills, leg spasms, nausea...etc.  that part should only last a few days, then comes the hardest part...fighting the cravings, feeling tired and sometimes depressed.  if it was easy, none of us would be here.  it's a hard thing to do alone, and it's even harder when you are surrounded by people that are using.  i'm not in that situation.  i don't know anyone who is using, so that part was easy for me.  it will be hard for you to stay away from these people, but it may be too much of a temptation for you.  i take it your g.f. doesn't use?  can you get yourself to an na or aa meeting?  some people swear by these meetings.  do a search on this board for thomas' recipe - it's a number of vitamins and amino acids, which really help with the withdrawal process.  hang in there...post when you feel like it, as often as you feel - if no one answers right away, don't get discouraged:)
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Fraser! Think about it. your life Does have along way to go. We on here know your feeling bad, real bad! I'm not sure of your entire situation, but, telling those you love what is happening might be a big help. Think about it. You have to do the physical part on your own, but having people around you who care is a Big Blessing. If your honest and up-front, these people will not turn their back. I had my Mom and Step-Dad and my 8 yeard old daughter. She would color me get well pics and my mom would be there for whatever reason. After it's over, they can also stand by you and support you. They may need a little education on the 'how this happens'. Send them here. WE are a large strong bunch here. I did what the Doc told me. Now I'm the same as a street user. There is no difference. Hope this helped some. Print this post of yourself and read it everyday after your clean!  ~J~
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You all are absolutely amazing, I can't and never will say that as often as I should. I shyed away from the board yesterday because I needed to just be by myself, I came into work this morning and read all your posts.  Thank god nobody was in here at 7am in the morning, it brought tears to my face. You all are so "amazing" I said it again, you really are. I'm pleased to say that I didn't use yesterday, and that I feel much better about myself. I know if I used it would have been all over, I would have been just "bringing my head up for air and dipping back down"........sorry skipper, can't recollect what the exact phrase was.  In anycase, you are HONESTLY some of the most important people in my life right now. I know it sounds weird considering we havn't met, however, if we could ever meet I know we would have an incredible time, SOBER!! Thank you all so much, and I really can't tell you how much you mean to me. Skipper the angel is still here, but its all because of you, thank you so much, and thank you groovy,dive, jagstarr and "deas..." don't remember the exact name, you know who you are. I will always be here for all of you.  Remember, a lot of us end up here because, "one more pill won't hurt"

GWH
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good job!!!!!  i was worried about you...and, i'm worried about schlub.  we've been kind of keeping track of each other's progress with the buprenex taper, and i haven't heard from him in days...has anyone?

want to try the chat room again?
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I'm sorry groovy, but everytime I try to enter the chat, my computer freezes!!!! I would if I could........so how are you doing today, fill me in.

I haven't heard anything from schlub, I haven't seen him post either. I hope he is doing ok.

I just wanted to thank you for your support, you have been a huge help and I really do appreciate it. thank you so much
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thank you, but you don't need to thank me...you've helped me a lot as well.  just being able to "talk" with other people who are going thru the same thing is comforting...makes me feel not so alone.  you, in particular, have been a great source of comfort to me, as well as a great "coach" - you're always ready to offer kind words and i appreciate it.

i am doing ok.  we're getting ready to leave for a week - leaving sat...school vacation.  i think it will be good for me to be away and really busy, especially seeing as i am running really low on bup.  my refill will be sent to the hotel i am staying at next thurs, so i have to really be careful with it between now and then.  i have huge anxiety right now, but i sometimes get that way before i travel - i stress about whether i have brought everything, and if i have left the house in order, etc etc.  i make myself crazy!!!
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you wouldn't be normal if you didn't act that way when going on a trip.haha.  So you going anywhere fun?? I"m heading up your way tonight, actually only to wakefield, your a little further down. Anyway, I'm sure you will have fun on your little trip, will you be anywhere near a computer?
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we're going to disney world, so i'm sure we'll have fun and be busy! i am NOT planning on bringing a computer...i think i need a break from it - not this forum, but just staring at this thing in general. i will really, really miss you guys tho.
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You won't have time to miss us, that sounds awesome!! This is going to sound really bad, but I have always had this urge to give micky one swift kick to the #$%, I don't know why but something about a big cartoon mouse all smiley and happy and then, well, I don't want to get graphic, I don't know, call me sick, but I think its a riot, haha. Anyway,...........

I agree, I think you need a break from the computer, too much time spent infront of the screen will make you go blind. Well, I hope your feeling better, please feel free to talk whenever you want, I really want to be here for you, I wouldn't like anything more then to get you away from drugs and even closer to your husband and children, although from the sounds of it, you are extremely close with them already. I think thats great. Well, I hope your doing well today. please keep me up to date.
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hello to everyone   what a great day  I dont know why i feel taht way,im sick as a dog( what does that mean anyway) but my mind is good. The other day i left my computer on in midpost and my 4 year old posted,im taking it as a sign from god because it looks like she wrote sved my life, flacky,i know but im grabbing all the posative signs i can.i spent all day yesterday with my husbadn in hospital, hes better now but it was a long day I was beating myself up because i had taken perc just to deal with him and the baby but ive decieded that i have to start somewhere realistic and running my life while withdrawling off 2oo plus perc a day is going to be too hard sa yesterday it was 25 not 200 and today i hope 15 and then so on.Ive maded my confession to my doctor and i think hell really help.Like fraser im not sure of all the rules of this bourd and dont what to get out off because im finding great hope and support from everyone but if anyone needs to talk,whine,vent or cry they can email me at6@ ***@****,sometimes just getting through the next 10 mins is the roughest and im still taking it min by mim so if u want to help or need help feel free    thanks again to everyone   untill my next lost of mind(which will proably be in 10 min or so) have a good day)
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Well, I have to say, I was stunned at 200 perks aday, but that is because I gag when taking pills, so the thought of having to swallow all those, ughhh.  I certainly have taken high doses, just not in the same way. Anyway, as good ole skipper would say, "there is always room for one more junky, we welcome you with open arms" In anycase, don't think negatively, you can do this, YOU WILL DO THIS, just stay positive, and don't worry, everyone falls, the trick is to fall forward...........We are here for you.

GWH
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groovy I too tried the chat room. No go just a blank screen.
Tom
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gwh:
ok, so the drugs have been removed and look what comes crawling
out...kick Mickey Mouse in the ass!!! i suggest you turn yourself
into the board of health for lack of emotional hygiene!

actually, i'm on your side. the only reasion that stupid mouse
isn't wearing a nazi arm band is his arms are too skinny from
chronic IV drug abuse.

hope today goes beter than yesterday. i think it will for me, as
i left the company cell phone and my pager at home today. i'm
kind of running around without a leash!

anyhow keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

PS: i want a shot at Mickey too, so leave something for me!!
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oh that was a conserative number and if you add in those teeny tiny oxycotin worth 40 mg each  its amasing .The funny thing is i remember just a few months ago thinking about withdrawing and tring say 2 perc every hour then 2 perc every hour and a half AND IT WAS TOO MUCH,i was looped,but then the doctor said here take these little girl (Doctor smiles) and started me  on oxycotin 40 mg 3x a day and they were so tiny and cute,christ they are so small they fix in a cavity in my tooth,and before i knew it each oxy taken was taking 8 percocect and whn i ran out of oxy i had to take at least 8 so no withdrawl (withdrawal) but then id get ill (if u can belieeve that)aqnd take more.good doctor and good drug huh ?
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I have a question and am hoping someone here might be able to help.  Why did I become addicted to pain medicine?  As far as I know, I have no family history of addiction.  I only slightly experimented with drugs in high school (pot).  I very rarely drink (only on social occasions).  What gives?  I understand the physical aspect of it but I don't think I was/am physically addicted because I only took one per day (never more, never less).  I didn't go through any physical withdrawal when I stopped in the past (just mental).  This has been going on for 3 years!  I know that this is probably a million dollar question but WHY ME?  I know other people who have taken pain medicine (for medical purposes) but never got addicted. I have a good life, loving husband and great 4 year old.  My husband is an athlete and travels quite a bit and has no idea about my problem and I don't think I could ever tell him.  All I know if that I greatly look forward to taking that stupid pill (vicoden) at the end of the day.  I feel horrible because for years I lied to my physician to get the prescription.  I just really want to come to terms with this whole thing.  I am sorry this post has become so long.  
Thanks,
D.
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skipper, don't you worry, I will leave some room for you to give mickey a few shots, haha, that godamn mouse, I'll catch him sooner or later, yea, so maybe I should be admitted for something, its not normal to want to kick the icon of childhood cartoons. anyway, I'm glad to hear from you, i hope all is well, and I wish I could spend the day without my "collar" god that would be nice.

Meagain,I know what you mean, Its tough and its a large dose to come down from, have you thought of a less rapid detox?? maybe you should really take more time to come down from the dose your at now, you know??
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sometime when my daughter isn't looking, i'll give him a good, swift one for you...i've always wanted the coyote to catch that stinking road runner - i guess that is along the same lines as your feelings about mickey....maybe anger is somewhere at the root of our addictions?

i've asked this before, but no one answered - isn't there supposed to be a dr. monitoring this board and answering questions?
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ha what i say and plan are two totaly  different things you know,im flacky as hell ,gung ho and then the kids wake up and start talking ang talkin and talkin,add my husband tnen im suicadal  its two more hours into the day and now 15 just doe nt seem do able ,what did our  mothers say the road to hell is paved with good intentions . my darling daugheter splidded water on my keybourd so i have to let it dry out awhile but i hope u got my jest
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do me a favor and email me, do you still have the address, I have a quick question and or concern......... not a big deal, so don't worry

PLUS, I have a serious issue that I need help with, this situation needs to be addressed on the forum.  I'm having serious pain, not " I need a fix, fake pain" but real pain, I have been told several times by my surgeon that I need to take the pins and screws out of my knee, now, I know I should listen, HOWEVER, and that is a HUGE, HOWEVER. I absolutely refuse to have another surgery, I have nightmares about how I feel when I wake up, i can't handle that, and i will not be put on more drugs, no way in hell!!!!! I"m dead serious. Now the bigger issue at hand is that I'm in SEVERE pain!! The pain fluctuates, it tends to be more prominent in the mornings and late afternoon.  It usually only lasts for an hour or so, but I can feel my knee becoming swollen as the days go by.  WHAT DO I DO!!! I need some serious advice. I called my surgeon he said he would call in a script, what a great guy (sarcastic) I told him advil would do the trick........

GWH
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Hi deason and welcome to the board.
Your question is the million dollar question...why do we become addicted?  I honestly don't know, but I have my theories. There are plenty of people who have not got tons of skeletons in their closets and don't come from addictive families who get hooked on pain meds. I think it is because damn it, they just feel good! I'm serious.  They feel good.  At the end of a stressful day, popping one of those pills takes away the stress and gives you the energy to do whatever needs to get done for the night.  That is how it started for me. One pill a night for a while. Then adding a beer or two to make it have more effect. Then it became two, three, four pills together. This process took 4 or 5 years..but then eventually I was taking them all day long and got up to 200mg of hydrocodone a day.  Granted, I had surgery and chronic pain toward the end, which I still have now, but I sure abused the the hell out of the meds.  Eventually even with 25 to 30 pills a day, you don't get the high any more. You need that much to just feel normal.  I've been clean since last August, through the help of this forum, my friends, and the grace of the Divine. Truth is the best tool you have to beat this. That was my experience. Truth takes the wind out of the sails of the addiction monster.

So...if my story helps you at all...stop now. While you still can. Before it progresses. I never, ever thought my addiction would progress to where it did. I'm a responsible professional blah blah blah...but in the end I am an addict, like all of us here, and admitting it saved my life and my marriage.  Wondering why is a good question, but it won't stop the process.  If you are only taking one a day now, my advice is to get out of it now while you still can.
Good luck...we will be here to support you all the way, if you need us. Always room for one more, as Kip says!

gwh..I hear you loud and clear on the chronic pain problem.  It is a bear to deal with. I still have strong back pain.  I can't take ibuprofen anymore, as the huge amounts I was on gave me a GI bleed.  So, I either go without , or I take the occasional buprenorphine.  It is an opiate, but gives no buzz whatsoever. Ask you doctor if it is an option for you for pain management.  It has much less potential for abuse, though some folks do abuse it.  It is addictive physically, in that if you take it every day for a while and go off it there is a mild withdrawal syndrome, or so the reading I've done says. I take it very occassionally, no more than twice a week and sometimes go weeks without it, but when my pain flares badly, it really helps me a lot, and it does not trigger any desire to go back to narcotics at all, at least for me. I don't know if that helps at all, but it is something to at least research. Good luck.

love,
WW
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i don't think i have your email - if i happen to find it, i'll get in touch with you right away.  i'm sorry about your knee - have you ice - you have to do that if it's swelling.  or, what about an anti-inflamatory (sp?).  maybe you should tell your dr. the real deal, and he will have some suggestions for you.  if you are not going to use again, then it doesn't matter if he knows...right?  keep you knee up if you can.
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What about getting a prescription for Motrin?  It would probably help with the pain and as far as I know is non-addictive.  Also, how about applying cold compresses.   I can imagine the pain you are feeling.  I had a knee injury but not nearly as serious as yours (no surgery) but it was pretty painful.  Also a few years back my husband had to have ankle surgery and had two pins/screws put in.  When he woke from the surgery he was in extreme, untolerable pain!!  Just as you are, he was very apprehensive about getting the pins removed but he did get the second surgery done.  He said the pain wasn't half as bad as the first surgery.  
Take care.
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i looked, and i definitely don't have your email anymore...if you have mine, just send me a message.  i don't really know anything about knees/pins/surgery tho...ice is good tho...i know that for a fact.
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WW great to hear from you, you were the one along with skipper that got me started on this forum.

The pain is pretty bad, I had 2 knee reconstructions, and 4 scopes, I have a "dead mans ligament" in my leg, (I don't know how to spell cadaver)haha, anyway, all this in 19months. I was all about cortizone shots before games (soccer) all so I could try out for a semi-pro soccer team "The Boston Bulldogs" and get shotdown because all though I had the talent, work ethic etc... I didn't belong on a field, I just wasn't the same, so thats my sob storry. In anycase, Groovy, I might take your advice and come clean with the doc. oh, my email is r_baccari***@****.  

I have been keeping my leg up, Ice has become my best friend, I actually have a "stim" machine as home. You stick the electrode pads around your knee, on your quad, and lower leg muscles surrounding the knee and it contracts the muscles and tissue to lessen the swelling. It actually looks kind of funny when I turn it on.  I fell asleep with it on and my brother thought he would wake me up by turning it as high as it could go and watch my leg go crazy..........jerk. Anyway, I will be here if anyone wants to talk.

GWH
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Wow!  I hope you can find some solution to your pain. Sounds like quite an extensive injury!  Here I am suggesting Motrin and ice!!  The things you boys will do for sports!  Actually, I can relate to all that.  I come from a very sports oriented family.  Brother a minor league coach & husband is a professional athlete.  So I am well aware of what one will do to play.   Boston Bulldogs - that is so cool!  I always loved to watch soccer.  I just signed my son up for soccer and he starts on Saturday!
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oh boy did you open up a can of worms, I know this forum is somewhat confidential, but your husband is a professional athlete, "curiousity killed that cat" well thats my phrase because I get extremely curious. I'm assuming you will not tell us who he is, so if you can't do that, what about the sport he plays, that would be good.......I know, I can be irritating but I'm a very curious person.  

I get so happy when I hear about parents signing their children up for soccer, I think its an incredible sport, I love it to death and I miss it. I had a sports psych. therapist tell me that what people don't realize is how much "sport" can mean to someone. When someones life revolves around a sport and he/she spends his/her life training and dreaming, it becomes half of their life, hence, if you become injured and lose the ability, you lose 50% of your life.  Well its definitely true because the depression from being injured was horrible........

So back to the important stuff, your husband is a pro athlete..........
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gwh, I feel so silly, I just realized I addressed my last post to myself!  I am glad you realized it was for you.  Have you been able to remain somewhat involved in soccer?  I bet some high school/college/professional soccer team could use a great coach!  My husband is a hockey player and has been on the same team for quite sometime and will be until atleast 2003 (hopefully longer).  By the way that Mickey Mouse comment cracked me up!!  

Witchywoman, thank you so much for sharing your story with me.  I always wondered if it is that simple, It just feels good.  You hit the nail on the head when you said "At the end of a stressful day, popping one of those pills takes away the stress and gives you the energy to do whatever needs to get done for the night."  That is soooo true!  Thank you so much for the inspiration.  Congrats for being clean since August - that is fabulous!
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I'm glad you had a laugh at mickeys expensive, you probably would have found it even more funny if you knew I didn't mean a kick to the ass, I meant a swift kick to his $%^&, you know.........the kind that would put him on his knees, god, I'm sorry, its so dumb and kind of weird, but I laugh so hard every time I think of this big goofy cartoon mouse just getting whacked and falling down...... I know, I have issues.

Thats awesome your husband is a professional hockey player, but I guess I won't know what team he is on, maybe the panthers, but don't answer that if you don't want to, either way, THAT IS AMAZING.  I have been asked to coach a couple of local high schools, and have also been asked to be the assistant coach for bentley, but I find it painful to sit and watch.  Unfortunately when I was brought up playing soccer, nobody taught me how to sit and watch, and do nothing BUT THAT. you know what I mean? Anyway, my pain has subsided a bit, but I really want to go home right now.  I hope all is well.

Groovy, you out there?
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Lanas, Are you out there?  I was wondering how you are doing. I hope you are getting some energy back.
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Hi deason, thanks for asking.  I'm still here.  Had a couple of very hectic and worrisome days, but today got some fabulous news--a client for whom I was able to get a new trial who had gotten a murder sentence (40 years) first time around received 5 years on reckless homicide with imperfect self-defense second time around (the RIGHT decision, I might add).  Anyway, I am about as pumped as I can be under the circumstances; going to celebrate with a little champagne tonight.  In my line of work you don't win often so it feels really good when you do.  My energy level at the moment is way down, but I was up most of the night worrying about what was going to happen in this case and then spent the first half of this afternoon so high from the "win" that I am physically exhausted now! I am tired of being tired but overall am not as tired as I had been so it IS improving.  How are you?  Are you still taking 1/2?  How is it affecting you?
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Your original thread was called "death and depression"?  I did read your statement about your uncle's death, your state of mind and (what was your burning question?).  Forgive me, but it sounds like you want some attention...and you got it.

We just go on but it takes time to heal.  We all grieve in our own ways.  When we lost one of our daughters two years ago, I was destroyed.  I had to be led around by my friends and family for days on end.  Even drugs gave me little relief and may have made things all the worse.  

Can things get even worse?  You bet they can!  Anyone here that knows my story can verify that.  You can and will go on and on as I can tell by the flavour of your subsequent postings.  The human spirit is infinately strong, my friend!

J.B.
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My God--I cannot imagine losing a child.  If you have lost a child and still have so much hope in your life, you have come very very far.  Forgive my ignorance, where are you in the "addiction process?"
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I think death had a lot to do with my addiction, both my parents, two of my best friends and my daughters best friend all died within a year and a half. A drunken driver killed my daughter
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lanas, congratulations on your success with your client!  It is great to hear that your energy level is improving.  I haven't taken any vicoden in two days. I am basically going to sleep right after my son at around 8:30.  I find that I am so irritable and emotional. Yesterday I broke a glass while loading the dishwasher and I completely fell apart. Hopefully today will be better.  I am leaving this afternoon to visit family for the weekend.  I hope everyday improves for you.  

gwh, How are you doing today?  I want to thank you for being around for me yesterday.  It is really nice to "talk" to someone who is fighting the same battle.  You are a great guy!  I hope you have a good weekend.  Are you going to watch the Boston Marathon?

Take care.
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You hit it on the head,

It was more or less a statement describing how I felt at the time, I needed to hear from people to keep me from losing it, you know? It wasn't my uncles death that plays a threat in a relapse, its a wake/funeral in which I remember losing my best friend on 9.11.......... life goes on

I'm so sorry about your daughter, I don't need to hear the rest of the stories, that is enough to make me upset, I really am sorry. I give you all the credit in the world.  I hope I can be as strong as you, I have been doing well, its been 5 days with no substance what so ever. I"m on my way.

Thanks again,

GWH
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Oh my gosh!!!   Are we living parallel lives?  (well, no, my husband is far from being a professional athlete!)  I too went to bed immediately after my daughter (who is also 4) at 8 pm last night.  I too broke a glass yesterday while trying to empty the dishwasher.  What a mess!  Glass everywhere--I mean EVERYWHERE.  I just looked at it and thought "Okay, you've made this mess, you HAVE to clean it up, it's not like this an option, so just do it."  It took me twice as long as it normally would have, but hey!  I did it and without drugs to make it go twice as fast!  THat's okay!!!!   I am trying very very hard to focus on life being more simple without the drugs--right now it is not; but this forum helps me to know that it is out there so that is what is keeping me going.  I still can't believe how similar your days seem to be in many ways to mine.  And believe me, I took the hydro for the energy, to clean my house and do the laundry and cook dinner, etc etc etc...  my house is dirtier than I like it right now, there is more laundry stacked up than usual, our dinners have become more, well, "basic" and I just keep telling myself it's okay b/c it is temporary.  I think it is wonderful that you have gone two days!!!!  I know how hard it is to go without when you have gotten so used to it and so used to the enrgy it gives you.  But remember before you started taking the pill?  You had the energy, right?  That's what I keep reminding myself....  So how are you today?
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That is weird
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Sorry, I meant to type more but I accidently pushed the post comment button.  That is amazing that our days were so similiar!  I wish I had handled the glass incident as well as you.  You have a great attitude and I hope some of it will rub off on me.  I feel pretty crummy today and have a long day/weekend ahead of me.  I hope visiting my family and seeing some friends will help distract me.  I am heading out in a few minutes and won't be back until Monday.  I will try and check in over the weekend.  I hope you have a great weekend.

take care!
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well, realize that the first few WEEKS I did not have a good attitude, so hang in there.  I'm actually a little detached emotionally right now, to be honest, but I keep telling myself it is the changes from drugs to no drugs.  I keep living it one day at a time.  That's all you can do.  You probably won't even read this until Monday, but I hope you have/had a great weekend and that your friends helped "pick you up."
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OF COURSE, I have been going to the marathon since I was about 8, plus my girlfriend is running it!! she is incredible shape. I actually just went out to buy her an official jacket, so when she crosses the finish line I can put it on her.
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schlub, groovy, witchywoman, Jagg, lanas, gwh, mrmichael...and everyone !!!

I fell off the wagon, **** !!!  3 days ago, I was clean for 1 month, and I couldn't stand the pain anymore and called in for a refil of my vicoprofen...

I am so ashamed of myself.  I want to be clean so bad but I am NOT HAPPY when I am clean.  there are always tense situations with wife and family that I cannot handle.

For example, my mom is strongly suggesting to me and my wife to have a baby, my wife doesn't want to.  She already has a child from  her ex.  My mom is threatening not including me in her will if we don't have a child.  My wife hates my mom and vice versa....life sucks when they disagree.  I am caught in the middle

It's really a nightmare when my mom visits or we visit her

help

DMR
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I felt the same way when I previously tried to get clean. I was never happy, a life sober wasn't a life, it sucked. I'm doing pretty well now, but I'm not even close to a month sober, so I don't know what to say other then, we all know, that sooner or later, THE ABUSE HAS TO STOP and if we don't stop it, it will stop us........try to pick your head up and start again, don't keep taking the vicoprofen, try to stay strong, you can do this, you just have to want it........

GWH
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gwh is right about really needing to WANT it, because face it there are going to be a million other stressful things in our lives.  i was always making excuses like, i had an argument with my husband  and would go running for the pills - stuff like that.  well, if i'm going to stay married for a long time, i'm sure many more arguments are going to occur.  my mom and i had a BIG argument about my "recovery", and everything from her sounds like critisizm (sp?) - i seriously felt like taking a whole bottle of pills, but i thought back about how many fights we've had and how many more will come and realized i don't need to rely on those friggin pills anymore - they don't help me....instead they were killing me.  

flush them, and just start over.  we all have probably tried a number of times before we could do it.  i have failed miserably many times, but for some reason i feel like this is "the one"!  

good luck!
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"critisism"?? no idea.........anyway, I always thought of excuses like, ITs monday, or oh its wed. night.......or hey if I take everything I have now, I can start being sober tomorrow................... there will always be an excuse. DMR don't feel bad we all do this. KEep your head up, it will be a struggle but you can do this.

GWH
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JB:
you know i was just talking about to irish rose. i believe i
said, "there's nothing more wrong with JB other than he doesn't
post enough!" of course she jumped to your defence saying, "JB
has a lot on his plate, lighten up!" of course she is right (she
always is)!

so my friend, how goes it? are you keeping a lid on everything?
i'm not. next wednesday i have an outpatient procedure done on
the toe next to my big toe. the foot doc practicly promised suc-
cess.....will see. if it was up to me, i think i would be off
with the damm thing. this will be the second attempt to fix a
problem that seeems to have no fix!

please remember, your wife and you are in my prayers.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip
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THanks all for your support

FRASER123...welcome to our junkie forum, you are one of us now.  Although I just fell off the wagon, I can try to help you out
Shoot me an email at va_dcblue***@**** if you want to discuss something in detail.  Anyone else want to email me...you're welcome.

This Narcotic thing sucks...why does it have to be so addictive?  Why can't it be like Asprin or Tylenol?

DMR
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I guess it's time for a little attention for me!  Like you, I need it so much.  This is my secret, quiet place where I can voice myself honestly without the fear of being?....fill in the blank.

I think it was lanas who asked where I was in the addiction process.  I'd love to be able to say that it is all "under control" and I am in recovery.  I was for many years, a recovering junkie/alcoholic and life was truly wonderful for the most part.  I worked hard and my three kids became college graduates eventually.  I was the epitomy of pride and riding up there on my "pink cloud".

I thought I was invincible!  Hell, a million VC couldn't kill me once...a long time ago.

But things started to go haywire as they often do in life.  One night I could no longer stand the screams and writhings of my wife in serious cancer related pain...and I injected a little morphine into a vein in my arm.  "It" was back as I booted the drug, bringing blood in and letting it out slowly.  It was the ultimate orgasm, then I died.  I'm dead now and only I know it.  We can never hide from ourselves!

J.B.
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J.B.-

You Are NOT dead. You are ALIVE. You are loved. Remember this always.

P.S. I am NOT GOD, BUT I am a frequent poster here under another "Nickname".

BUT there are times when the truth of his love can come through another, and HE wished me to be his messenger to you RIGHT NOW.

YOU ARE LOVED. YOUR LIFE IS SACRED. REMEMBER THIS ALWAYS.
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DMR,

At least you got on the wagon in the first place. That meant you wanted to get well. Part of recovery involves relapses in most cases. Take all the good time you had clean to get you back on. You at least know you can do it and I bet you felt good when you were clean. It happens, hang in there.

Kip, I just listened to The Man from God Knows Where by Tom Russel. So wierd. When I first got it I couldn't stand it. Put it on yesterday and was almost crying in the study. It's beautiful.

Hope everyone is well.

jf

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well i am going to babble because i just found myself crying in the bathroom and im just too tired to keep crying.I keep asking myself what is the problem,why am i so afraid of quiting these frigging pills,they dont make me feel good any more,i hate the lieing invoved to get them and a thousand other reasons to quit and then it came to me, i just want to be numb because i hate my life. I hate,and i know that is a strong word but i do hate my husband. I do not know how i could of missed it brfore but he is a joyless mean person and if i get straight that means i will have to do something about it because of my child.Up untill lately he was good with her but now that she is becoming her own person,he is not so kind. I can see the bewilderment on her face when he staps and it kills me,but how do i get the f--- out of here w/ no money or support.well i wrote this down so i cant pretend i didnt think it, maybe reading over and over will give me sterenght to do something about it,to all of you who fell off the wagon, dont beat yourself up, at least u got on .
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well i am going to babble because i just found myself crying in the bathroom and im just too tired to keep crying.I keep asking myself what is the problem,why am i so afraid of quiting these frigging pills,they dont make me feel good any more,i hate the lieing invoved to get them and a thousand other reasons to quit and then it came to me, i just want to be numb because i hate my life. I hate,and i know that is a strong word but i do hate my husband. I do not know how i could of missed it brfore but he is a joyless mean person and if i get straight that means i will have to do something about it because of my child.Up untill lately he was good with her but now that she is becoming her own person,he is not so kind. I can see the bewilderment on her face when he staps and it kills me,but how do i get the f--- out of here w/ no money or support.well i wrote this down so i cant pretend i didnt think it, maybe reading over and over will give me sterenght to do something about it,to all of you who fell off the wagon, dont beat yourself up, at least u got on .
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Hey JB i hope you feeling better as this day turn's into night.
I have 10 day's clean using the recipe, it't working really well.
I to was clean for many year's only to relapse a few year's ago do to pain medication from rotator cuff operation's.
I also have felt dead  and numb the last few year's , but the L-tyrosine has lifted that feeling along with the crushing depression. Speaking of V.C., I just finished  the book up country it was preety good, it mentions that we lost 58,000 and the VC lost 1,000,000 i did not know they lost a million guys, and some people say we lost.
.Being the addict that i am. reading is one of my normal addiction's.
I think suffering is one of the things i can really relate to in the last 3 years my younger brother died along with my inlaws and around half a dozen real close freind's who were all clean addict's who had hep c reach out of the past to snatch them up.
My youngest son starts saraycuse in the fall, Any way being experinced  as we are getting clean and all I think we have a lot to offer.  
Thanks for posting  your feelings. There is a lot to be said for the trruth no matter how ugly or painful.
I am grateful for yor post and thankful for yor service to this country, you sound like you are a good father putting you kids thrugh collage and all.    
KEEP POSTING AND THANKS
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hey there m  as we get clean and stay clean , one thing is for sure I have never seen a addict  go through the hell of getting
clean   and then have thier life turn to **** , it just does not happen that way. when people get cleand up and start living, everything starts to work out for the better. The how procass is like some kind of divine intervention. It seems gets better and better when we get clean .
Im sure as you stay clean you life will be full of happiness
as that divineintervention continues to work in your life for you and you daughter.  
thanks for posting  and keep the faith
and try the recipe
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Meagain, I am glad to see you are still here and posting. When you try to get clean, real life creeps in and usually it is damn painful. We find out we were chemically numb for a reason. I spent most of my life running from pain. Reality initally does bite, but over time it will get better. Patience is not a virtue most addicts have a vast reserve of initially. Plus it hurts so damn bad we don't even want to try, it's just so scary. I hope you can find some help, it sounds like you are very depressed. Just taking that step to do that is frightening, I know. There is a way through this though. The pain of feeling your feelings won't kill you although you might think that it will. Take care, I am glad you are still with us. IR
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Honey, I wrote a reply to you on a thread a little further down the line.  My nickname is "rowanshyne".
I went through some of what's happening to you with my first husband.
Hang on, you *can* have a real life with your baby and without drugs.  Honest you can.

Blessings,
Wren
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jackfrost:
yes parts of "the man from god knows where" are quite beautiful. i
especially like Dolores Keane and Iris DeMent singing "when irish
girls grow up."

if you like 'the man from god knows where," try "Tulare Dust." it is a compilation of songs by merle haggard. my favorite by Tom Russell is "Borderland" or "The Long Way Around."

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip
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I asked a question on the thread above, it was in regards to a med that is prescribed for muscle spasms, the front says "DAN" on each half, and the back has a few numbers. Any Idea what this maybe.  A friend showed me the bottle, it said take 1 pill 3 times a day and it was "Metha....." not methadone, just curious. I have had issues with my leg, but i'm still clean!! thanks

GWH
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anyone out there?? I think I'm the only one who has to work today............ oh well, I hope everyone is doing well.
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Ok, I think its methocarbamol, so if anyone is alive and feels like giving me any info, I would appreciate, if not, I hope you all get through the day. I promise, tomorrow will be better.

GWH
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you ever hear that saying, "curiousity killed the cat"
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Yeah.. Some of us are here at work, looking at this forum, because it's Monday, and the Coffee hasn't started to kick our asses into work mode yet. At least not MINE. Hey about that Muscle relaxer Metho.... If it is anything like SOMA/Carisoprodol, DON'T take it, man. That's some Bad-ass ****! I took two of those once and felt like I was "Brain Scrambled" for more than 8 hours. NOT a GOOD feeling... Sort of felt like a hangover/drunk with none of the good feelings, but all of the "Enhanced Stupidity" of drunkeness...

Good Luck!
Jess
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thank god, a voice!! but its too late. my leg is killing me, I have IT syndrome, my IT band on the outside of my leg gets so tight that when I walk it sounds like a rope being twisted, do you know what i mean? you can literally hear it, how groes is that.   Anyway, I only took about half the pill, the prescription says take 2, so I should be ok.  I'm feeling good today, my lovely girlfriend is running the marathon so I am leaving work early to watch, (i'm the only person in my dept. this is supposed to be a holiday.........)

GWH
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I believe that methocarmal is the generic name for Robaxin.  It's pretty tame stuff and is used for rest and relaxation and as an adjuct to physical therapy.  I took Soma for about a month a few years ago and found it a lot stronger than Robaxin. But Soma is a different drug altogether, being similar to meprobamate.  People need to be careful about taking hydrocodone and muscle relaxers for safety's sake(like driving a car with your kids on board).

Boy, I can sure tell it's Monday...I can barely type!  Be good,

J.B.
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If you REALLY want a GOOD painkiller for that Knee, I would recommend Ultracet. It is an Offshoot of Ultram, just not as addictive, and has all the pain-killing ability of morphine. I just switched to Ultracet from Ultram 4 days ago, and I only take 4 50Mg pills per day... It Kills ALL my pain, and I don't seem to HAVE to take handfulls of the stuff like I was doing with the Ultram. The pain I have is caused by severe Peripheral Neouropathy, and without the Ultracet, my feet feel like they are on FIRE, and have Icepicks stuck in all my joints in the feet. Well, take it easy, and Good luck goes out to your GF in the Marathon!!
Jess
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thank you. As far as the pain killer, i'm all set, it was more or less a curiousity. I will not take any more pain killers for my knee, I feel like the cloud has been lifted off my head ever since I stopped using. So, hopefully I can keep it going, you know?

J.B thanks again for the info. your always one of the more knowledgeable people in this forum. I hope all is well with you and I will indeed be good.

GWH
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J.B.--(Sorry it's taken so long to write--I've been gone most of the weekend).  It sounds like you have an incredible life--lots of joy and lots of pain.  It also sounds like you have a very manipulative mother (welcome to the club!  boy can I relate to THAT!).  But you know what, it is okay that you "fell off" the wagon; as others have pointed out, you got on it in the first place and made it 30 days.  I got on and made it 22 before falling off for 3 days.  I got back on and haven't been off again for another 25.  I have deicded to not even count that 3 days because I've done so well otherwise.  Just get rid of the pills and continue with your progress.  And don't feel another bad thing about it.  You have proven to yourselve that you are capable--you CAN do it.  So keep doing it; think of it as a bump in the road and nothing more.  I have had many days that I have thought the pain of "this" is too much or I can't face my family so energyless because there are so many expectations of me, etc...  a million excuses to take stuff again.  But I have committed myself to the fact that I WILL face pain.  I WILL be energyless for some time.  I WILL have a dirty house.  I WILL not be what everyone expects me to be.  I pray fervently every day.  So far, I've made it.  I still struggle with the lack of energy, but I have seen some improvement.  Just get back on track; you've done nothing more than get off track.  Just get back on.  YOu're doing just fine.
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well im back.(Never let your 4 yr old have fluid around a computer)actully the computers hers so i shouldnt *****.I dont know what to talk about but i made a firm promise to myself not to become invisale again so here i am, I think thats one of the best tips ive gotten,keep around people so u dont get into trouble.To everyone thanks,Everyone keeps saying how depressed i sound,but really i dont feel that way ,what i feel is overwhelmed,like i just need a little niche to hang on to start but i cant find it.I have to say that with this clondine i dont feel half as bad as i thouht i would,i have a bad back ache but thruthfully there were alot of times i felt like s--- when i had the pills, i just cant nodd off to pass the time.Which i miss,but in bed last night it occured to me that maybe what im feeling is engery,which is y i took the pills in the frist place,so are these the heebee geebees,or i am i just feeling again in a long time?
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I'll take your advice regarding Tom Russell. I should have more pocket money for cds as I have paid my last damn OLP. I took the rest of my hydos, gone, all gone like spineless lizards they are. I making my way out of the jungle now. I am not even thinking about the future, except for my kids. I am just going to see what it feels like to be human again.

jF
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Hey--just wanted to say I've been thinking a lot about you and you sound much better--are you off all the pills but the clonodine (sp?)?  Yes, feeling does come back and be prepared, some is really good and some is really not, but on the other hand, that's the way life SHOULD be.  Hang in there... and always remember that you are doing this not only for yourself but for your daughter as well.  And if you get really really low and have trouble thinking about yourself, don't ever let yourself forget about that little girl of yours.  Let me know how you're doing.
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I've been "in and out" myself these past several days.  Mostly out.  Anyways, I'm not sure what you were referring to about my manipulative mother.  That must be someone else's problem, but I can surely relate.  Mothers are and have to be, very manipulative, in order to raise us children properly.  Maybe you are in fact reading between my lines(lies)and are on to something worth exploring.  I think I'll call my mother tonight and just talk to her as a friend.  

You know, when one of my kids call me I'm thrilled.  My oldest(daughter)calls about every other day to keep me posted. I look forward to those calls and I hope they will never stop coming!

J.B.

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God, I was reading all these posts... You guys are really good. I beleive that me too went into pills when I lost my husband (I was 26 and I am now 30)... It was 4 days before my son's first b-day. I think I cried that day, I think about him every day but I still have not faced his death. Sounds Familiar? I have been taking pills for 4 years or so but things got worse about 2 1/2 years ago....  I was taking 10-12 vic es/day, soma (same amount) and was on the Duragesic Patch... God, I could still function and was doing great on all that.. Someone at work noticed that I was not "all there" and I had to face it... Not too mention that I took too much vic and almost OD... Had to be brought to the ER! That woke me up but the final draw was when I was caught doc hopping. Felony.... not a good thing. Then, I STOPPED. I was forced and I am sure that it was for the best. Went cold turkey on my own since no doc wanted to see me and my insurance was aware that I was a "seeker". Could not go anywhere. Me too, have legit pain. Mental and physical. I guess I wanted to hide ALL my emotions with these pills. 2 months clean, I am feeling more active but it is mentally hard because I have to face reality i.e. my husband's brutal death, being a single mother of a 4 year old and working 50 hours/week to support him... I am french and my family is overseas, my ex in laws are in another state (that might be a good thing) and I just feel really lonely. Dont take me wrong, I love this country and I belong here.  It just has been a tough road and I wish things would have been easier. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I guess, what I am trying to say is that we all try to cope with things differently... It is ok to go toward the wrong road but I beleive that we are all trying to fix our "direction" and we will make it through this web support. Does that sound Corny? I know that when I have a "down" time, I come here and read posts. They help me because I see that I am not the only one hurting and trying. Sorry if this has been a long post. Thanks for listening...  : ) Love you guys...
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It's good to hear from you!  Are you a first time poster?  To reiterate part of your post, I'd like to say that most of us are here because we "aren't all there".  But then again, maybe we are all there and they aren't all here. So what the Hell?

I was almost shocked and disbelieving when I read that my drug therapist was arrested for DUI and possession of controlled substances.  We are funny beings to say the least!  Dear heart, don't ever feel like you are unique and alone in this grand life of adventure.  You may hate the way things are going right now, but...stick around awhile and try to enjoy this crazy ride we are on. And as with the amusement parks, we pay for it all one way or another.  Up,down,up down,up down...yehaw!

J.B.
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Hey J.B... thanks for the post. I know, life is a roller coaster and the funny thing is that I love them. I will try to look at it that way. The only thing is that I am looking for a way up and hopefully it will happen soon. I am not a new comer. I found this site when I tried to detox in Feb. I have been posting on a regular basis. It makes me feel good. How about you? what is your story?
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Hi Frenchee, congradulations on two months clean. Don't look back. You are a brave woman, you went through hell, your kids are lucky to have such a wonderful mother. As far as not being all there well, in my opinion we are all in a dream, some know it some don't. When I came here I was on 200mg. a day of hydros and 3 shots of vodka and a six pack every day. Right now there is not a mg. of hydro or a drop of booze in me. Two people here took me under their wing and I found others on the net and I come here.

I still grieve for all the people who died so close together and I miss them right now. But I also have come to think of them as saints or allies. I really believe in what goes around comes around. Sow seeds of negativity and you will be surrounded and consumed by it, sow seeds of recovery and walking into the light and loving and you will be taken care of by the gods.

I admit it is a simple perhaps niave philosophy, but I believe it.

I will say one of my prayers for you. You are a success story, hang it there.

Peace,

jF
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Thank you for your post. It is nice to hear that, especially when you feel down... Congrats to you too for staying away from all this ****. I know how hard it is. I will try to look at me as a success story... I guess there is positive in everything. You just have to look for it.... Talk to you soon. Hang in there.
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I'm hoping that things are looking up for you presently. I'm bumming around the house today looking for something constructive to do to keep from getting buzzed. We had another death in the family and my wife flew out to Boston yesterday. It seems like life is starting to get shorter anymore when we start losing all our loved ones left and right! It was best that I stayed home to take care of the "farm"...so here I am.

My story is little different than most here. I'm simply an addict concerned with opiate and alcohol abuse for many years. People have remarked here that I've had such a remarkable life and have experienced so many things that I must have had several lifetimes. In part, it's true...I'm abnormal for the most part though when I look at it.

It's a common belief that your whole life flashes in front of you before death, correct? Well, three doctors say I'm going to die soon due to all of my diseases. Everyday I get to think about some part of my life that I screwed up(there are many)and I get to forgive myself quietly and humbly. It's one way of deleting some of the "tapes" that keep rolling in my head over and over to the point of driving me insane. I think that the surest sign of this insanity is the act of swallowing another drink of alcohol or dose of morphine just to forget who we really are for a short time. These "little deaths" will eventually add up to the "big one" soon enough. Selfish, eh?

Talk about rambling!  I'm gone...

J.B.

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J.B., some pretty profound rambling young man! I know what you mean about the self forgiveness. I am trying too. I have spent the majority of my life running from myself. Awhile back I was on an airplane reading a meditation book I have been into lately by a buddhist nun. This guy sat down next to me and asked what I was reading. He said "oh you're into all that new age stuff huh?' I told him it as actually pretty old age stuff. Well it turned out he was a Hindu. He started giving me all sorts of unsolicited advice about how to live my life. It was pretty hilarious actually but he for some reason told me to quit running from myself. It was kind of weird that some stranger picked that up about me or maybe he was just weird. At any rate I have been trying to make friends with myself. I hope it is not too late. I thought the pain of just sitting with myself and my pain would kill me. At times I wished it would. But I'm still here, trying to get along with myself minus the chemical babysitters. Sorry to hear about the loss of a loved one in your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. IR
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JB:
such an eloquent post. my life seems devided into some before and after. the before ...all the drugstores....anything morphine, di-
laudid, neumorphan...all waiting for kip. it drives me crazy today!
all the bad things i did to people i cared about...all the other
bad people...all of it 24-7. and now i get to play it out again and
again....i think steve earl wrote a song with a line in it that's
always stuck with me "what they don't tell ya' 'bout life in the
fast lane-- is you always come home on the slow train. yeah that's
me ....plenty of time to replay all the really screwed up things i
did to other people and oh yeah, all that **** i did to myself. we
have got to to let our selves off the hook, but how?

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip
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I know you already know this, but sometime we need to hear it instead of just telling it to others.

"That was then, this is now".  Remove fanny firmly from pity pot, and carry on.

My own belief is that Addiction is a living entity and it will do  *anything*, ANYTHING, to bring you back into it's prison.
These memories arise and you think you want to either die or get loaded again.
Stomp the livin' sh*t out of Mr. Addiction and live for *today*, it's the only thing you can make a difference in.

Hell, I just screwed up, sent a post to the wrong person and in the post, I had explained to a friend that I was building up the chutzpah to tell the insultee exactly what I thought of her.
I can't even fall back and say, "Wow, maaaan. It was like,  the drugs, ya know?"  I wasn't on drugs. Damn!

So if you *really* need someone to whip, pick me.  My arm is getting tired from doing it to myself.

In my religion, my spirituality, I believe the primary reason we are here is to learn and grow.  You can't learn and grow sitting in the sunshine *every* day.
I also believe in re-incarnation, so if I give up now, I just have to come back and start all over again. <sigh>  I'll keep going, thank you.

Now, help *me* instead of always thinking of yourselves, lol!

Wren
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just kidding  ha  ha
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Wren, I was just wondering if you could possibly be from Colorado. At any rate, I think you are trying to say that we should stay in the here and now state of reality and get on with life. That's some good advice so stick with that, Wren. I used to feel the same way, once.

Sure, I arise each morning full of physical pain but feeling so hopeful that today will be decent and tolerable.  And you know, for the most part, every day is a treat for me! Most days are well worth the effort.

I've forgiven myself of so many things lately that I can't help but be kind to myself. Kind of like the way I treat my old hounds. They are thirteen this summer and can't hunt anymore, and I can't bring myself to put them down. They bear all the scars and injuries of many battles and like me, they are survivors. And they love me, I know they do!

J.B.

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Wren! Wow, another Witch on this forum! Yay! It's nice to not be the only one..lol.  Nice to meet you you..mm and bb , as we say.

Are you by any chance the same Wren who used to post last summer?
If so, welcome back...if not, I wonder where that Wren is? I lost her email address and think of her often.

love,
WW
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are you a "good" witch or a "bad" witch?  hahaha - just kidding.  what kind of witch are you?  are you a wiccan (sp?).  i'm very curious about that kind of stuff...sorry if my questions are ignorant, but i guess that is what i am in this area.
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Hi JB,
Hope you are doing ok.
I couldn't help but really be affected by your words about the 'little deaths' then adding up to the 'big death'.
You are so right about that!  Just running and hiding behind a bottle or a pills just to make it all go away temporarily, but taking such a big toll on your life just for such a short time of enjoyment.
Then, BAM, you're back into reality again, then what?
Waiting to do it all over again, and dedicating your full day to this, and this only.
Your only real focus.  Sure we may work, take care of kids, go about our daily day, but me personally, i know what i'm always waiting for, to get high again, and for what, just a very short time to feel numb for a while.
It does all add up and it does catch up to us, all of us, no one is immune.  Some it just catches us earlier, others it moves slower, but it always catches us sooner or later.
I've been behind my husband this entire time.  I took a break with a pregnancy, plus, he was always a bit more 'active' shall we say in his drug use.  I'm looking at a man that looks like he so close to death it scares me.  It scares me because i am now in places that i've seen him go through and never throught i'd reach that point, never not me!!!  So when i look into my husband's eyes i see my future, and it's not a pretty sight.
My husband went to detox this morning, and he's going to have help getting all the toxins out of him and hopefully find a way to stay clean once he comes home.  I'm left to do this on my own, and i do have a plan.  I just hope to god that god is kind enough to spare me the full brunt of withdrawal because i have to work, and my kids need their mom.
We shall see.  I just wanted to tell you that you words are so true.
Addiction is a powerful beast, and i was warned, but unfortuately, you just don't believe it until you've lived it.
Good luck to you and thanks!
Lv Jenny
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Hi groovy...I'm a good witch, I guess...there really is no such thing as a bad witch. I'm Wiccan, otherwise known as preChristian European Shamanism, but it is pretty ecletic these days.  I don't discuss it much here, as we all have different views on religion and I tend not to talk about it unless specifically asked.  It's a life affirming, peaceful religion that focuses on the Divine inherent in nature and celebrates the seasons of the earth, and a whole lot more that I won't go into here..but it's all good stuff.

Jenny, I'm rooting for you woman. Just stay focused on the goal, and take Kip's advice, I am convinced he knows what he's talking about.  We're all in your corner and I'm sending you strength and love.

JB..as ever, your words always reach me right in the gut.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.

love,
WW

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i was joking about the good/bad thing...

i used to have a friend out west that was wiccan.  he was something else every 6 months - he'd try something, get tired of it and move to the next thing.  he was always trying for the greatest shock value he could get.

i have heard it is a very peaceful religion (or whatever you refer to as being), and anything involving nature and showing appreciation for nature is great in my book.  i'm not really sure where the "witch" aspect of it all fits in, but i am interested in finding out more about it.  i love to study things - doesn't necessarily mean it will become "my" thing, but learning is my hobby.
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Hi there. I read your post and you really moved me. I know how you feel... I went threw my own detox in February. I, too have a child and I am a single mother... I am 30. My husband passed away 3 years ago... It has been tough. I started the pills for migraine and endimitriosis... I did enjoy the Highs.. .to I kept taking them...more and more. I even had valium, soma, and duragiesic patch. With all that, I still managed to take care of my son and my daily things... Anyway, it became too much and ALL I wanted was to get high. A good friend of mine saw that I was in trouble and that I needed help. He did just that. It was kinda "toughlove" but he got threw my head. The first 2 to 3 weeks were hard. Lots of fluid... I read a lot. It kept me focus. Anyway, to make a long story short, I just wanted to say that I understand your pain. Is one of your kid big enough to help you out? You dont have to explain but just say that "mom" is not feeling good... Let me know what I can possibly do. I am thinking about you. Get the help you need. We are all here to help you out.  : ) Good luck.
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I've always posted here with you in the back of my mind.  It's been a long time, really, that you and I have been here come to think of it!  My advice to you has always been to do whatever it takes in order to survive(cope)without killing yourself and your family.  You seem to have done well in spite of all my advice my friend.  I like that in a person!  Give me a handful of people like you and we could....?  It just takes a certain amount of character and spirit and "no whining" to go the long haul, right?

When all is said and done and we are alone and still capable of lucid thoughts, maybe we can be thankful that we tried it all.  We've used every conceivable drug and combination of drugs and any rehab program available and have survived!  Now you have a lot of experience and common sense under your belt that will see you on through the rest of your life.

J.B.
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Well WW, you know i always look up to you and admire your strength for keeping on and staying clean.
Thank you for your prayers, and i'm really hoping i can find the strength within that i know is there to do this.
You are an inspiration to me, always, i always think of you when it comes to quitting, so remember that, and know that you're one special witchylady!!!  :)

Frenchee, you have a lot of strength and i am so sorry about your loosing your husband.  I always have that thought about my own husband, and unfortuately, the fear is very close to becoming a reality.  Despite our habits, somehow us mothers find the strength inside to care and nurish our children despite our illnesses.  Mother nature is remarkable in that respect.  
Keep being strong, and it will get easier.  Your husband's death will never be easy for you, but over time, if you can come to terms with it in your own mind, it will get easier for you.
Just remember, life here on earth is only really a small part of our existance, you will be with him again one day, and then it will all make sense to you.  Good luck to you!

JB, you've always thought so highly of me, and i really appreciate that so much, especially when i'm feeling down.
I've walked many lines, always trying to keep one toe over the sane side, but i know all it takes it one gentle knuge and i will fall.  I'm the type that tries to remain on the side of what's right, but i take my chances at times, and somehow i've remained alive to this point, but my luck may run out eventually and i know it.  
Thank you for caring, and know that i'm thinking of you too.  You've had your fair share of hell, and you're gonna be ok, you've proved that.  Everything really is going to be ok!

Love to you all, Jenny
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Thank you for your post. I hope you are doing Ok today. How is your husband doing? I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers (in my own way). Please keep strong. You will make it.

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Hi!

Just wanted to see how you are doing. You know how I was telling you and everybody that all the online pharmacies are a joke? Well I found a Legit one in Florida... I use Ultram (as you might know from my posts..) anyway, you can get Ultram, flexeril, and SOMA there legally (for a VERY good price), but they don't deal in any Narcotics like Vicodin or Percocets, Etc...

Anyway, I hope you're having a great day Frenchee~!!

Bye for now`
Jess
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Thanks for asking.
My taper is going pretty good, i am maintaining on one 10mg meth today, which is down from yesterday.
My husband walked outta detox last night and i had to drive all the way down there (45 miles) to pick him up.
I just got back from dropping him off at another detox closer to the house, and a much better place.
It's gonna cost us, but shoot, money doesn't matter, we don't have any anyway!
Good luck to you sweetie!
Lv Jenny
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Frenchee, if you're still reading, we're in the same boat. I started my pills for endo, migraines, but loved them and kept up. Finally, after years, the pain from the endo seems gone with my last surgery. I'm 32 and have 3 kids, and all my youngest has seen is me sick (she's almost 6). That kills me. I really want to be there for them, and when I think of how capable I used to be before I fell, it kills me. I want to be that person again. Sometimes when I was high I was that person. No, I guess I faked that person. Just wanted to share, since we're similar here. My husband and I seperated but got back together, trying to make that work on top of everything else. I've hurt so many people, and it's my kids that really get me. And myself.
tlk
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Jennyfla, I am glad you are doing all right.  I am thinking about you. I know it is tough but you are going to be all right and feeling BETTER before you know it. I am dealing with heavy pain today and have not gotten any sleep in the last 3 days. I keep waking up and having a hard time breathing. I dont know what is going on but I am scared to go to the doc since I was caught doc hopping.. NOone wants to help me. Even if it is legit, they dont care.

TLK... How do you deal with the pain and no pain killer. Or are you still taking something? I am SO tired of feeling that way. My head hurts, and I feel like my stomach is going to explode. I am cramping really bad today. I know it will be better soon. It usually does not last more than a week but GOD.... such a pain.

I am thinking about ALL of you and hope we all make it through the day, and the next one, and the next one.....
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Frenchee, I had endo pain for years so bad I couldn't take it. I had three laps and a hyst. The last lap was a month ago and the doctor took out my last ovary. It had a huge cyst and was bleeding into my pelvis. The pain would shoot down my leg and I couldn't walk or move. The thing is, after detox the pain was worse then ever, because, according to my doctor, I had been on the drugs so long that my body was not producing any of its own endorphins to kill the pain. Once I got through the few weeks of misery, my body started regenerating and is now producing endorphins. So the pain isn't as bad. Certainly not as bad as being addicted to norco. I had memory loss, still don't remember a lot of things that happened. My old boss called yesterday and said I was such a start and then it just went to ****, he would tell me something and I wouldn't remember it. They called me into Internal Affairs and I got pissed and quit.
Back to the issue: a heating pad works wonders. If you can take bup, it really helps. Some natural supplements help. For me the only thing that worked was having NO hormones in my body. I'm 32 and going through menopause, but honestly it's not bad; hardly any hot flashes and it did take away the pain. Endo just feeds on estrogen. When it does still hurt, I have to remember the horrible things about being and addict, and decide which is worse: addiction or pain. When  I had the migraine today, I almost would have said pills. It's a daily fight we have to keep up; one day at a time, don't think of it as forever, just get through today. Sounds corny, but it works. I need to take my own advice. tlk
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Funny you posted about your pain... I actually really hurting today. It has been for a few days. I cant hardly walk and seating feels like my "stomach" is going to explode. I just hurt so BAD. I have not taken anything in over 2 months but it is not getting better. It usually hurts twice/month and then it is ok. I have done the heating pad but it does not do much for me. My OB put me through "fake menaupose" one year ago and it was really tough on me. Constant hot flashes, cold sweats, mood swings and gain weight... about 20 pounds. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I am only 30 and I am not ready for the Hysterectomy (sp?). I am hoping to have one more child in the next couple of years.  I have been blessed with my son... I, also have had several lap and I am suppose to have another one this summer. Gee, cant wait... Anyway, it hurts. I know you understand the feeling. I just dont know how to deal with it. Thank for your support. Hope you are doing all right.
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Hi I am Andy,
I am 15 and from Liverpool UK, no, i am not "just another stupid kid". I had a girlfriend, for five months and we have been through alot together and now she is moving away. this is not some teen love flimsy thing, I loved her and now she is gone, I don't sleep/eat ever, I sit up playing my guitar and it has been like this for over a month now.

andy
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