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Death, Depression etc...............
I need help today, I found out yesterday that my uncle died, now thats not a huge issue however, once again it brings up bad memories of losing a good friend and this morning when I woke up I was miserable, I ached everywhere and I couldn't get out of bed. I was late for work and I have to go to a wake tonight, I can't handle this right now, I feel like I have become an intravert in the last 24 hours, I don't want anything to do with anyone, i just want to forget about everything including my life and just sleep. I don't know what I will do in the next two days, but I'm very upset and more scared then anything........

GWH
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J.B.-

You Are NOT dead. You are ALIVE. You are loved. Remember this always.

P.S. I am NOT GOD, BUT I am a frequent poster here under another "Nickname".

BUT there are times when the truth of his love can come through another, and HE wished me to be his messenger to you RIGHT NOW.

YOU ARE LOVED. YOUR LIFE IS SACRED. REMEMBER THIS ALWAYS.
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DMR,

At least you got on the wagon in the first place. That meant you wanted to get well. Part of recovery involves relapses in most cases. Take all the good time you had clean to get you back on. You at least know you can do it and I bet you felt good when you were clean. It happens, hang in there.

Kip, I just listened to The Man from God Knows Where by Tom Russel. So wierd. When I first got it I couldn't stand it. Put it on yesterday and was almost crying in the study. It's beautiful.

Hope everyone is well.

jf

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well i am going to babble because i just found myself crying in the bathroom and im just too tired to keep crying.I keep asking myself what is the problem,why am i so afraid of quiting these frigging pills,they dont make me feel good any more,i hate the lieing invoved to get them and a thousand other reasons to quit and then it came to me, i just want to be numb because i hate my life. I hate,and i know that is a strong word but i do hate my husband. I do not know how i could of missed it brfore but he is a joyless mean person and if i get straight that means i will have to do something about it because of my child.Up untill lately he was good with her but now that she is becoming her own person,he is not so kind. I can see the bewilderment on her face when he staps and it kills me,but how do i get the f--- out of here w/ no money or support.well i wrote this down so i cant pretend i didnt think it, maybe reading over and over will give me sterenght to do something about it,to all of you who fell off the wagon, dont beat yourself up, at least u got on .
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well i am going to babble because i just found myself crying in the bathroom and im just too tired to keep crying.I keep asking myself what is the problem,why am i so afraid of quiting these frigging pills,they dont make me feel good any more,i hate the lieing invoved to get them and a thousand other reasons to quit and then it came to me, i just want to be numb because i hate my life. I hate,and i know that is a strong word but i do hate my husband. I do not know how i could of missed it brfore but he is a joyless mean person and if i get straight that means i will have to do something about it because of my child.Up untill lately he was good with her but now that she is becoming her own person,he is not so kind. I can see the bewilderment on her face when he staps and it kills me,but how do i get the f--- out of here w/ no money or support.well i wrote this down so i cant pretend i didnt think it, maybe reading over and over will give me sterenght to do something about it,to all of you who fell off the wagon, dont beat yourself up, at least u got on .
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hey there m  as we get clean and stay clean , one thing is for sure I have never seen a addict  go through the hell of getting
clean   and then have thier life turn to **** , it just does not happen that way. when people get cleand up and start living, everything starts to work out for the better. The how procass is like some kind of divine intervention. It seems gets better and better when we get clean .
Im sure as you stay clean you life will be full of happiness
as that divineintervention continues to work in your life for you and you daughter.  
thanks for posting  and keep the faith
and try the recipe
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Hey JB i hope you feeling better as this day turn's into night.
I have 10 day's clean using the recipe, it't working really well.
I to was clean for many year's only to relapse a few year's ago do to pain medication from rotator cuff operation's.
I also have felt dead  and numb the last few year's , but the L-tyrosine has lifted that feeling along with the crushing depression. Speaking of V.C., I just finished  the book up country it was preety good, it mentions that we lost 58,000 and the VC lost 1,000,000 i did not know they lost a million guys, and some people say we lost.
.Being the addict that i am. reading is one of my normal addiction's.
I think suffering is one of the things i can really relate to in the last 3 years my younger brother died along with my inlaws and around half a dozen real close freind's who were all clean addict's who had hep c reach out of the past to snatch them up.
My youngest son starts saraycuse in the fall, Any way being experinced  as we are getting clean and all I think we have a lot to offer.  
Thanks for posting  your feelings. There is a lot to be said for the trruth no matter how ugly or painful.
I am grateful for yor post and thankful for yor service to this country, you sound like you are a good father putting you kids thrugh collage and all.    
KEEP POSTING AND THANKS
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Honey, I wrote a reply to you on a thread a little further down the line.  My nickname is "rowanshyne".
I went through some of what's happening to you with my first husband.
Hang on, you *can* have a real life with your baby and without drugs.  Honest you can.

Blessings,
Wren
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Meagain, I am glad to see you are still here and posting. When you try to get clean, real life creeps in and usually it is damn painful. We find out we were chemically numb for a reason. I spent most of my life running from pain. Reality initally does bite, but over time it will get better. Patience is not a virtue most addicts have a vast reserve of initially. Plus it hurts so damn bad we don't even want to try, it's just so scary. I hope you can find some help, it sounds like you are very depressed. Just taking that step to do that is frightening, I know. There is a way through this though. The pain of feeling your feelings won't kill you although you might think that it will. Take care, I am glad you are still with us. IR
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anyone out there?? I think I'm the only one who has to work today............ oh well, I hope everyone is doing well.
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I asked a question on the thread above, it was in regards to a med that is prescribed for muscle spasms, the front says "DAN" on each half, and the back has a few numbers. Any Idea what this maybe.  A friend showed me the bottle, it said take 1 pill 3 times a day and it was "Metha....." not methadone, just curious. I have had issues with my leg, but i'm still clean!! thanks

GWH
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jackfrost:
yes parts of "the man from god knows where" are quite beautiful. i
especially like Dolores Keane and Iris DeMent singing "when irish
girls grow up."

if you like 'the man from god knows where," try "Tulare Dust." it is a compilation of songs by merle haggard. my favorite by Tom Russell is "Borderland" or "The Long Way Around."

keep an angel on your shoulder
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Ok, I think its methocarbamol, so if anyone is alive and feels like giving me any info, I would appreciate, if not, I hope you all get through the day. I promise, tomorrow will be better.

GWH
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well im back.(Never let your 4 yr old have fluid around a computer)actully the computers hers so i shouldnt *****.I dont know what to talk about but i made a firm promise to myself not to become invisale again so here i am, I think thats one of the best tips ive gotten,keep around people so u dont get into trouble.To everyone thanks,Everyone keeps saying how depressed i sound,but really i dont feel that way ,what i feel is overwhelmed,like i just need a little niche to hang on to start but i cant find it.I have to say that with this clondine i dont feel half as bad as i thouht i would,i have a bad back ache but thruthfully there were alot of times i felt like s--- when i had the pills, i just cant nodd off to pass the time.Which i miss,but in bed last night it occured to me that maybe what im feeling is engery,which is y i took the pills in the frist place,so are these the heebee geebees,or i am i just feeling again in a long time?
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Yeah.. Some of us are here at work, looking at this forum, because it's Monday, and the Coffee hasn't started to kick our asses into work mode yet. At least not MINE. Hey about that Muscle relaxer Metho.... If it is anything like SOMA/Carisoprodol, DON'T take it, man. That's some Bad-ass ****! I took two of those once and felt like I was "Brain Scrambled" for more than 8 hours. NOT a GOOD feeling... Sort of felt like a hangover/drunk with none of the good feelings, but all of the "Enhanced Stupidity" of drunkeness...

Good Luck!
Jess
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thank god, a voice!! but its too late. my leg is killing me, I have IT syndrome, my IT band on the outside of my leg gets so tight that when I walk it sounds like a rope being twisted, do you know what i mean? you can literally hear it, how groes is that.   Anyway, I only took about half the pill, the prescription says take 2, so I should be ok.  I'm feeling good today, my lovely girlfriend is running the marathon so I am leaving work early to watch, (i'm the only person in my dept. this is supposed to be a holiday.........)

GWH
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I believe that methocarmal is the generic name for Robaxin.  It's pretty tame stuff and is used for rest and relaxation and as an adjuct to physical therapy.  I took Soma for about a month a few years ago and found it a lot stronger than Robaxin. But Soma is a different drug altogether, being similar to meprobamate.  People need to be careful about taking hydrocodone and muscle relaxers for safety's sake(like driving a car with your kids on board).

Boy, I can sure tell it's Monday...I can barely type!  Be good,

J.B.
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thank you. As far as the pain killer, i'm all set, it was more or less a curiousity. I will not take any more pain killers for my knee, I feel like the cloud has been lifted off my head ever since I stopped using. So, hopefully I can keep it going, you know?

J.B thanks again for the info. your always one of the more knowledgeable people in this forum. I hope all is well with you and I will indeed be good.

GWH
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I'll take your advice regarding Tom Russell. I should have more pocket money for cds as I have paid my last damn OLP. I took the rest of my hydos, gone, all gone like spineless lizards they are. I making my way out of the jungle now. I am not even thinking about the future, except for my kids. I am just going to see what it feels like to be human again.

jF
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Hey--just wanted to say I've been thinking a lot about you and you sound much better--are you off all the pills but the clonodine (sp?)?  Yes, feeling does come back and be prepared, some is really good and some is really not, but on the other hand, that's the way life SHOULD be.  Hang in there... and always remember that you are doing this not only for yourself but for your daughter as well.  And if you get really really low and have trouble thinking about yourself, don't ever let yourself forget about that little girl of yours.  Let me know how you're doing.
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If you REALLY want a GOOD painkiller for that Knee, I would recommend Ultracet. It is an Offshoot of Ultram, just not as addictive, and has all the pain-killing ability of morphine. I just switched to Ultracet from Ultram 4 days ago, and I only take 4 50Mg pills per day... It Kills ALL my pain, and I don't seem to HAVE to take handfulls of the stuff like I was doing with the Ultram. The pain I have is caused by severe Peripheral Neouropathy, and without the Ultracet, my feet feel like they are on FIRE, and have Icepicks stuck in all my joints in the feet. Well, take it easy, and Good luck goes out to your GF in the Marathon!!
Jess
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J.B.--(Sorry it's taken so long to write--I've been gone most of the weekend).  It sounds like you have an incredible life--lots of joy and lots of pain.  It also sounds like you have a very manipulative mother (welcome to the club!  boy can I relate to THAT!).  But you know what, it is okay that you "fell off" the wagon; as others have pointed out, you got on it in the first place and made it 30 days.  I got on and made it 22 before falling off for 3 days.  I got back on and haven't been off again for another 25.  I have deicded to not even count that 3 days because I've done so well otherwise.  Just get rid of the pills and continue with your progress.  And don't feel another bad thing about it.  You have proven to yourselve that you are capable--you CAN do it.  So keep doing it; think of it as a bump in the road and nothing more.  I have had many days that I have thought the pain of "this" is too much or I can't face my family so energyless because there are so many expectations of me, etc...  a million excuses to take stuff again.  But I have committed myself to the fact that I WILL face pain.  I WILL be energyless for some time.  I WILL have a dirty house.  I WILL not be what everyone expects me to be.  I pray fervently every day.  So far, I've made it.  I still struggle with the lack of energy, but I have seen some improvement.  Just get back on track; you've done nothing more than get off track.  Just get back on.  YOu're doing just fine.
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you ever hear that saying, "curiousity killed the cat"
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I've been "in and out" myself these past several days.  Mostly out.  Anyways, I'm not sure what you were referring to about my manipulative mother.  That must be someone else's problem, but I can surely relate.  Mothers are and have to be, very manipulative, in order to raise us children properly.  Maybe you are in fact reading between my lines(lies)and are on to something worth exploring.  I think I'll call my mother tonight and just talk to her as a friend.  

You know, when one of my kids call me I'm thrilled.  My oldest(daughter)calls about every other day to keep me posted. I look forward to those calls and I hope they will never stop coming!

J.B.

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Hey J.B... thanks for the post. I know, life is a roller coaster and the funny thing is that I love them. I will try to look at it that way. The only thing is that I am looking for a way up and hopefully it will happen soon. I am not a new comer. I found this site when I tried to detox in Feb. I have been posting on a regular basis. It makes me feel good. How about you? what is your story?
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God, I was reading all these posts... You guys are really good. I beleive that me too went into pills when I lost my husband (I was 26 and I am now 30)... It was 4 days before my son's first b-day. I think I cried that day, I think about him every day but I still have not faced his death. Sounds Familiar? I have been taking pills for 4 years or so but things got worse about 2 1/2 years ago....  I was taking 10-12 vic es/day, soma (same amount) and was on the Duragesic Patch... God, I could still function and was doing great on all that.. Someone at work noticed that I was not "all there" and I had to face it... Not too mention that I took too much vic and almost OD... Had to be brought to the ER! That woke me up but the final draw was when I was caught doc hopping. Felony.... not a good thing. Then, I STOPPED. I was forced and I am sure that it was for the best. Went cold turkey on my own since no doc wanted to see me and my insurance was aware that I was a "seeker". Could not go anywhere. Me too, have legit pain. Mental and physical. I guess I wanted to hide ALL my emotions with these pills. 2 months clean, I am feeling more active but it is mentally hard because I have to face reality i.e. my husband's brutal death, being a single mother of a 4 year old and working 50 hours/week to support him... I am french and my family is overseas, my ex in laws are in another state (that might be a good thing) and I just feel really lonely. Dont take me wrong, I love this country and I belong here.  It just has been a tough road and I wish things would have been easier. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I guess, what I am trying to say is that we all try to cope with things differently... It is ok to go toward the wrong road but I beleive that we are all trying to fix our "direction" and we will make it through this web support. Does that sound Corny? I know that when I have a "down" time, I come here and read posts. They help me because I see that I am not the only one hurting and trying. Sorry if this has been a long post. Thanks for listening...  : ) Love you guys...
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It's good to hear from you!  Are you a first time poster?  To reiterate part of your post, I'd like to say that most of us are here because we "aren't all there".  But then again, maybe we are all there and they aren't all here. So what the Hell?

I was almost shocked and disbelieving when I read that my drug therapist was arrested for DUI and possession of controlled substances.  We are funny beings to say the least!  Dear heart, don't ever feel like you are unique and alone in this grand life of adventure.  You may hate the way things are going right now, but...stick around awhile and try to enjoy this crazy ride we are on. And as with the amusement parks, we pay for it all one way or another.  Up,down,up down,up down...yehaw!

J.B.
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Thank you for your post. It is nice to hear that, especially when you feel down... Congrats to you too for staying away from all this ****. I know how hard it is. I will try to look at me as a success story... I guess there is positive in everything. You just have to look for it.... Talk to you soon. Hang in there.
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Hi Frenchee, congradulations on two months clean. Don't look back. You are a brave woman, you went through hell, your kids are lucky to have such a wonderful mother. As far as not being all there well, in my opinion we are all in a dream, some know it some don't. When I came here I was on 200mg. a day of hydros and 3 shots of vodka and a six pack every day. Right now there is not a mg. of hydro or a drop of booze in me. Two people here took me under their wing and I found others on the net and I come here.

I still grieve for all the people who died so close together and I miss them right now. But I also have come to think of them as saints or allies. I really believe in what goes around comes around. Sow seeds of negativity and you will be surrounded and consumed by it, sow seeds of recovery and walking into the light and loving and you will be taken care of by the gods.

I admit it is a simple perhaps niave philosophy, but I believe it.

I will say one of my prayers for you. You are a success story, hang it there.

Peace,

jF
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I'm hoping that things are looking up for you presently. I'm bumming around the house today looking for something constructive to do to keep from getting buzzed. We had another death in the family and my wife flew out to Boston yesterday. It seems like life is starting to get shorter anymore when we start losing all our loved ones left and right! It was best that I stayed home to take care of the "farm"...so here I am.

My story is little different than most here. I'm simply an addict concerned with opiate and alcohol abuse for many years. People have remarked here that I've had such a remarkable life and have experienced so many things that I must have had several lifetimes. In part, it's true...I'm abnormal for the most part though when I look at it.

It's a common belief that your whole life flashes in front of you before death, correct? Well, three doctors say I'm going to die soon due to all of my diseases. Everyday I get to think about some part of my life that I screwed up(there are many)and I get to forgive myself quietly and humbly. It's one way of deleting some of the "tapes" that keep rolling in my head over and over to the point of driving me insane. I think that the surest sign of this insanity is the act of swallowing another drink of alcohol or dose of morphine just to forget who we really are for a short time. These "little deaths" will eventually add up to the "big one" soon enough. Selfish, eh?

Talk about rambling!  I'm gone...

J.B.

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JB:
such an eloquent post. my life seems devided into some before and after. the before ...all the drugstores....anything morphine, di-
laudid, neumorphan...all waiting for kip. it drives me crazy today!
all the bad things i did to people i cared about...all the other
bad people...all of it 24-7. and now i get to play it out again and
again....i think steve earl wrote a song with a line in it that's
always stuck with me "what they don't tell ya' 'bout life in the
fast lane-- is you always come home on the slow train. yeah that's
me ....plenty of time to replay all the really screwed up things i
did to other people and oh yeah, all that **** i did to myself. we
have got to to let our selves off the hook, but how?

keep an angel on your shoulder
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J.B., some pretty profound rambling young man! I know what you mean about the self forgiveness. I am trying too. I have spent the majority of my life running from myself. Awhile back I was on an airplane reading a meditation book I have been into lately by a buddhist nun. This guy sat down next to me and asked what I was reading. He said "oh you're into all that new age stuff huh?' I told him it as actually pretty old age stuff. Well it turned out he was a Hindu. He started giving me all sorts of unsolicited advice about how to live my life. It was pretty hilarious actually but he for some reason told me to quit running from myself. It was kind of weird that some stranger picked that up about me or maybe he was just weird. At any rate I have been trying to make friends with myself. I hope it is not too late. I thought the pain of just sitting with myself and my pain would kill me. At times I wished it would. But I'm still here, trying to get along with myself minus the chemical babysitters. Sorry to hear about the loss of a loved one in your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. IR
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just kidding  ha  ha
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I know you already know this, but sometime we need to hear it instead of just telling it to others.

"That was then, this is now".  Remove fanny firmly from pity pot, and carry on.

My own belief is that Addiction is a living entity and it will do  *anything*, ANYTHING, to bring you back into it's prison.
These memories arise and you think you want to either die or get loaded again.
Stomp the livin' sh*t out of Mr. Addiction and live for *today*, it's the only thing you can make a difference in.

Hell, I just screwed up, sent a post to the wrong person and in the post, I had explained to a friend that I was building up the chutzpah to tell the insultee exactly what I thought of her.
I can't even fall back and say, "Wow, maaaan. It was like,  the drugs, ya know?"  I wasn't on drugs. Damn!

So if you *really* need someone to whip, pick me.  My arm is getting tired from doing it to myself.

In my religion, my spirituality, I believe the primary reason we are here is to learn and grow.  You can't learn and grow sitting in the sunshine *every* day.
I also believe in re-incarnation, so if I give up now, I just have to come back and start all over again. <sigh>  I'll keep going, thank you.

Now, help *me* instead of always thinking of yourselves, lol!

Wren
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Wren, I was just wondering if you could possibly be from Colorado. At any rate, I think you are trying to say that we should stay in the here and now state of reality and get on with life. That's some good advice so stick with that, Wren. I used to feel the same way, once.

Sure, I arise each morning full of physical pain but feeling so hopeful that today will be decent and tolerable.  And you know, for the most part, every day is a treat for me! Most days are well worth the effort.

I've forgiven myself of so many things lately that I can't help but be kind to myself. Kind of like the way I treat my old hounds. They are thirteen this summer and can't hunt anymore, and I can't bring myself to put them down. They bear all the scars and injuries of many battles and like me, they are survivors. And they love me, I know they do!

J.B.

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Wren! Wow, another Witch on this forum! Yay! It's nice to not be the only one..lol.  Nice to meet you you..mm and bb , as we say.

Are you by any chance the same Wren who used to post last summer?
If so, welcome back...if not, I wonder where that Wren is? I lost her email address and think of her often.

love,
WW
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are you a "good" witch or a "bad" witch?  hahaha - just kidding.  what kind of witch are you?  are you a wiccan (sp?).  i'm very curious about that kind of stuff...sorry if my questions are ignorant, but i guess that is what i am in this area.
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Hi JB,
Hope you are doing ok.
I couldn't help but really be affected by your words about the 'little deaths' then adding up to the 'big death'.
You are so right about that!  Just running and hiding behind a bottle or a pills just to make it all go away temporarily, but taking such a big toll on your life just for such a short time of enjoyment.
Then, BAM, you're back into reality again, then what?
Waiting to do it all over again, and dedicating your full day to this, and this only.
Your only real focus.  Sure we may work, take care of kids, go about our daily day, but me personally, i know what i'm always waiting for, to get high again, and for what, just a very short time to feel numb for a while.
It does all add up and it does catch up to us, all of us, no one is immune.  Some it just catches us earlier, others it moves slower, but it always catches us sooner or later.
I've been behind my husband this entire time.  I took a break with a pregnancy, plus, he was always a bit more 'active' shall we say in his drug use.  I'm looking at a man that looks like he so close to death it scares me.  It scares me because i am now in places that i've seen him go through and never throught i'd reach that point, never not me!!!  So when i look into my husband's eyes i see my future, and it's not a pretty sight.
My husband went to detox this morning, and he's going to have help getting all the toxins out of him and hopefully find a way to stay clean once he comes home.  I'm left to do this on my own, and i do have a plan.  I just hope to god that god is kind enough to spare me the full brunt of withdrawal because i have to work, and my kids need their mom.
We shall see.  I just wanted to tell you that you words are so true.
Addiction is a powerful beast, and i was warned, but unfortuately, you just don't believe it until you've lived it.
Good luck to you and thanks!
Lv Jenny
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Hi groovy...I'm a good witch, I guess...there really is no such thing as a bad witch. I'm Wiccan, otherwise known as preChristian European Shamanism, but it is pretty ecletic these days.  I don't discuss it much here, as we all have different views on religion and I tend not to talk about it unless specifically asked.  It's a life affirming, peaceful religion that focuses on the Divine inherent in nature and celebrates the seasons of the earth, and a whole lot more that I won't go into here..but it's all good stuff.

Jenny, I'm rooting for you woman. Just stay focused on the goal, and take Kip's advice, I am convinced he knows what he's talking about.  We're all in your corner and I'm sending you strength and love.

JB..as ever, your words always reach me right in the gut.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.

love,
WW

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I've always posted here with you in the back of my mind.  It's been a long time, really, that you and I have been here come to think of it!  My advice to you has always been to do whatever it takes in order to survive(cope)without killing yourself and your family.  You seem to have done well in spite of all my advice my friend.  I like that in a person!  Give me a handful of people like you and we could....?  It just takes a certain amount of character and spirit and "no whining" to go the long haul, right?

When all is said and done and we are alone and still capable of lucid thoughts, maybe we can be thankful that we tried it all.  We've used every conceivable drug and combination of drugs and any rehab program available and have survived!  Now you have a lot of experience and common sense under your belt that will see you on through the rest of your life.

J.B.
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Hi there. I read your post and you really moved me. I know how you feel... I went threw my own detox in February. I, too have a child and I am a single mother... I am 30. My husband passed away 3 years ago... It has been tough. I started the pills for migraine and endimitriosis... I did enjoy the Highs.. .to I kept taking them...more and more. I even had valium, soma, and duragiesic patch. With all that, I still managed to take care of my son and my daily things... Anyway, it became too much and ALL I wanted was to get high. A good friend of mine saw that I was in trouble and that I needed help. He did just that. It was kinda "toughlove" but he got threw my head. The first 2 to 3 weeks were hard. Lots of fluid... I read a lot. It kept me focus. Anyway, to make a long story short, I just wanted to say that I understand your pain. Is one of your kid big enough to help you out? You dont have to explain but just say that "mom" is not feeling good... Let me know what I can possibly do. I am thinking about you. Get the help you need. We are all here to help you out.  : ) Good luck.
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i was joking about the good/bad thing...

i used to have a friend out west that was wiccan.  he was something else every 6 months - he'd try something, get tired of it and move to the next thing.  he was always trying for the greatest shock value he could get.

i have heard it is a very peaceful religion (or whatever you refer to as being), and anything involving nature and showing appreciation for nature is great in my book.  i'm not really sure where the "witch" aspect of it all fits in, but i am interested in finding out more about it.  i love to study things - doesn't necessarily mean it will become "my" thing, but learning is my hobby.
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Thank you for your post. I hope you are doing Ok today. How is your husband doing? I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers (in my own way). Please keep strong. You will make it.

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Hi!

Just wanted to see how you are doing. You know how I was telling you and everybody that all the online pharmacies are a joke? Well I found a Legit one in Florida... I use Ultram (as you might know from my posts..) anyway, you can get Ultram, flexeril, and SOMA there legally (for a VERY good price), but they don't deal in any Narcotics like Vicodin or Percocets, Etc...

Anyway, I hope you're having a great day Frenchee~!!

Bye for now`
Jess
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Thanks for asking.
My taper is going pretty good, i am maintaining on one 10mg meth today, which is down from yesterday.
My husband walked outta detox last night and i had to drive all the way down there (45 miles) to pick him up.
I just got back from dropping him off at another detox closer to the house, and a much better place.
It's gonna cost us, but shoot, money doesn't matter, we don't have any anyway!
Good luck to you sweetie!
Lv Jenny
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Well WW, you know i always look up to you and admire your strength for keeping on and staying clean.
Thank you for your prayers, and i'm really hoping i can find the strength within that i know is there to do this.
You are an inspiration to me, always, i always think of you when it comes to quitting, so remember that, and know that you're one special witchylady!!!  :)

Frenchee, you have a lot of strength and i am so sorry about your loosing your husband.  I always have that thought about my own husband, and unfortuately, the fear is very close to becoming a reality.  Despite our habits, somehow us mothers find the strength inside to care and nurish our children despite our illnesses.  Mother nature is remarkable in that respect.  
Keep being strong, and it will get easier.  Your husband's death will never be easy for you, but over time, if you can come to terms with it in your own mind, it will get easier for you.
Just remember, life here on earth is only really a small part of our existance, you will be with him again one day, and then it will all make sense to you.  Good luck to you!

JB, you've always thought so highly of me, and i really appreciate that so much, especially when i'm feeling down.
I've walked many lines, always trying to keep one toe over the sane side, but i know all it takes it one gentle knuge and i will fall.  I'm the type that tries to remain on the side of what's right, but i take my chances at times, and somehow i've remained alive to this point, but my luck may run out eventually and i know it.  
Thank you for caring, and know that i'm thinking of you too.  You've had your fair share of hell, and you're gonna be ok, you've proved that.  Everything really is going to be ok!

Love to you all, Jenny
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Frenchee, I had endo pain for years so bad I couldn't take it. I had three laps and a hyst. The last lap was a month ago and the doctor took out my last ovary. It had a huge cyst and was bleeding into my pelvis. The pain would shoot down my leg and I couldn't walk or move. The thing is, after detox the pain was worse then ever, because, according to my doctor, I had been on the drugs so long that my body was not producing any of its own endorphins to kill the pain. Once I got through the few weeks of misery, my body started regenerating and is now producing endorphins. So the pain isn't as bad. Certainly not as bad as being addicted to norco. I had memory loss, still don't remember a lot of things that happened. My old boss called yesterday and said I was such a start and then it just went to ****, he would tell me something and I wouldn't remember it. They called me into Internal Affairs and I got pissed and quit.
Back to the issue: a heating pad works wonders. If you can take bup, it really helps. Some natural supplements help. For me the only thing that worked was having NO hormones in my body. I'm 32 and going through menopause, but honestly it's not bad; hardly any hot flashes and it did take away the pain. Endo just feeds on estrogen. When it does still hurt, I have to remember the horrible things about being and addict, and decide which is worse: addiction or pain. When  I had the migraine today, I almost would have said pills. It's a daily fight we have to keep up; one day at a time, don't think of it as forever, just get through today. Sounds corny, but it works. I need to take my own advice. tlk
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Jennyfla, I am glad you are doing all right.  I am thinking about you. I know it is tough but you are going to be all right and feeling BETTER before you know it. I am dealing with heavy pain today and have not gotten any sleep in the last 3 days. I keep waking up and having a hard time breathing. I dont know what is going on but I am scared to go to the doc since I was caught doc hopping.. NOone wants to help me. Even if it is legit, they dont care.

TLK... How do you deal with the pain and no pain killer. Or are you still taking something? I am SO tired of feeling that way. My head hurts, and I feel like my stomach is going to explode. I am cramping really bad today. I know it will be better soon. It usually does not last more than a week but GOD.... such a pain.

I am thinking about ALL of you and hope we all make it through the day, and the next one, and the next one.....
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Frenchee, if you're still reading, we're in the same boat. I started my pills for endo, migraines, but loved them and kept up. Finally, after years, the pain from the endo seems gone with my last surgery. I'm 32 and have 3 kids, and all my youngest has seen is me sick (she's almost 6). That kills me. I really want to be there for them, and when I think of how capable I used to be before I fell, it kills me. I want to be that person again. Sometimes when I was high I was that person. No, I guess I faked that person. Just wanted to share, since we're similar here. My husband and I seperated but got back together, trying to make that work on top of everything else. I've hurt so many people, and it's my kids that really get me. And myself.
tlk
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Funny you posted about your pain... I actually really hurting today. It has been for a few days. I cant hardly walk and seating feels like my "stomach" is going to explode. I just hurt so BAD. I have not taken anything in over 2 months but it is not getting better. It usually hurts twice/month and then it is ok. I have done the heating pad but it does not do much for me. My OB put me through "fake menaupose" one year ago and it was really tough on me. Constant hot flashes, cold sweats, mood swings and gain weight... about 20 pounds. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I am only 30 and I am not ready for the Hysterectomy (sp?). I am hoping to have one more child in the next couple of years.  I have been blessed with my son... I, also have had several lap and I am suppose to have another one this summer. Gee, cant wait... Anyway, it hurts. I know you understand the feeling. I just dont know how to deal with it. Thank for your support. Hope you are doing all right.
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Hi I am Andy,
I am 15 and from Liverpool UK, no, i am not "just another stupid kid". I had a girlfriend, for five months and we have been through alot together and now she is moving away. this is not some teen love flimsy thing, I loved her and now she is gone, I don't sleep/eat ever, I sit up playing my guitar and it has been like this for over a month now.

andy
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