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Death, Depression etc...............

I need help today, I found out yesterday that my uncle died, now thats not a huge issue however, once again it brings up bad memories of losing a good friend and this morning when I woke up I was miserable, I ached everywhere and I couldn't get out of bed. I was late for work and I have to go to a wake tonight, I can't handle this right now, I feel like I have become an intravert in the last 24 hours, I don't want anything to do with anyone, i just want to forget about everything including my life and just sleep. I don't know what I will do in the next two days, but I'm very upset and more scared then anything........

GWH
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Avatar universal
I know you already know this, but sometime we need to hear it instead of just telling it to others.

"That was then, this is now".  Remove fanny firmly from pity pot, and carry on.

My own belief is that Addiction is a living entity and it will do  *anything*, ANYTHING, to bring you back into it's prison.
These memories arise and you think you want to either die or get loaded again.
Stomp the livin' sh*t out of Mr. Addiction and live for *today*, it's the only thing you can make a difference in.

Hell, I just screwed up, sent a post to the wrong person and in the post, I had explained to a friend that I was building up the chutzpah to tell the insultee exactly what I thought of her.
I can't even fall back and say, "Wow, maaaan. It was like,  the drugs, ya know?"  I wasn't on drugs. Damn!

So if you *really* need someone to whip, pick me.  My arm is getting tired from doing it to myself.

In my religion, my spirituality, I believe the primary reason we are here is to learn and grow.  You can't learn and grow sitting in the sunshine *every* day.
I also believe in re-incarnation, so if I give up now, I just have to come back and start all over again. <sigh>  I'll keep going, thank you.

Now, help *me* instead of always thinking of yourselves, lol!

Wren
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Avatar universal
JB:
such an eloquent post. my life seems devided into some before and after. the before ...all the drugstores....anything morphine, di-
laudid, neumorphan...all waiting for kip. it drives me crazy today!
all the bad things i did to people i cared about...all the other
bad people...all of it 24-7. and now i get to play it out again and
again....i think steve earl wrote a song with a line in it that's
always stuck with me "what they don't tell ya' 'bout life in the
fast lane-- is you always come home on the slow train. yeah that's
me ....plenty of time to replay all the really screwed up things i
did to other people and oh yeah, all that **** i did to myself. we
have got to to let our selves off the hook, but how?

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip
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Avatar universal
J.B., some pretty profound rambling young man! I know what you mean about the self forgiveness. I am trying too. I have spent the majority of my life running from myself. Awhile back I was on an airplane reading a meditation book I have been into lately by a buddhist nun. This guy sat down next to me and asked what I was reading. He said "oh you're into all that new age stuff huh?' I told him it as actually pretty old age stuff. Well it turned out he was a Hindu. He started giving me all sorts of unsolicited advice about how to live my life. It was pretty hilarious actually but he for some reason told me to quit running from myself. It was kind of weird that some stranger picked that up about me or maybe he was just weird. At any rate I have been trying to make friends with myself. I hope it is not too late. I thought the pain of just sitting with myself and my pain would kill me. At times I wished it would. But I'm still here, trying to get along with myself minus the chemical babysitters. Sorry to hear about the loss of a loved one in your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. IR
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Avatar universal
I'm hoping that things are looking up for you presently. I'm bumming around the house today looking for something constructive to do to keep from getting buzzed. We had another death in the family and my wife flew out to Boston yesterday. It seems like life is starting to get shorter anymore when we start losing all our loved ones left and right! It was best that I stayed home to take care of the "farm"...so here I am.

My story is little different than most here. I'm simply an addict concerned with opiate and alcohol abuse for many years. People have remarked here that I've had such a remarkable life and have experienced so many things that I must have had several lifetimes. In part, it's true...I'm abnormal for the most part though when I look at it.

It's a common belief that your whole life flashes in front of you before death, correct? Well, three doctors say I'm going to die soon due to all of my diseases. Everyday I get to think about some part of my life that I screwed up(there are many)and I get to forgive myself quietly and humbly. It's one way of deleting some of the "tapes" that keep rolling in my head over and over to the point of driving me insane. I think that the surest sign of this insanity is the act of swallowing another drink of alcohol or dose of morphine just to forget who we really are for a short time. These "little deaths" will eventually add up to the "big one" soon enough. Selfish, eh?

Talk about rambling!  I'm gone...

J.B.

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Avatar universal
Thank you for your post. It is nice to hear that, especially when you feel down... Congrats to you too for staying away from all this ****. I know how hard it is. I will try to look at me as a success story... I guess there is positive in everything. You just have to look for it.... Talk to you soon. Hang in there.
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Avatar universal
Hi Frenchee, congradulations on two months clean. Don't look back. You are a brave woman, you went through hell, your kids are lucky to have such a wonderful mother. As far as not being all there well, in my opinion we are all in a dream, some know it some don't. When I came here I was on 200mg. a day of hydros and 3 shots of vodka and a six pack every day. Right now there is not a mg. of hydro or a drop of booze in me. Two people here took me under their wing and I found others on the net and I come here.

I still grieve for all the people who died so close together and I miss them right now. But I also have come to think of them as saints or allies. I really believe in what goes around comes around. Sow seeds of negativity and you will be surrounded and consumed by it, sow seeds of recovery and walking into the light and loving and you will be taken care of by the gods.

I admit it is a simple perhaps niave philosophy, but I believe it.

I will say one of my prayers for you. You are a success story, hang it there.

Peace,

jF
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