Decision to Change, support needed!

[Billy__B]

For the past 8 years i've been addicted to narcotics involuntarily.  I have severe migraines and problems with my neck that are mostly genetic.  I am 20 years old and have been prescribed opiates for about 8 years. ( since i was in 7th grade). My first doctor lost his license and ended that. at the time i was about 18. i found a Pain Management Specialist nearby and went to see him and i being prescribed Hydrocodone (Norco) at 6 pills daily and a strength of 10/325.  My pain management doc. took me off of that and put me on morphine sulfate ER starting at 60mgs and have worked up to being prescribed 200mgs daily (100mgs twice daily).  This was great until it stopped cutting the pain, so i started taking more and ran out of tablets and called my doc and told him all about it and he gave me the Norco for breakthrough pain so i was now taking the 200mg of morphine and the norco when needed for breakthrough pain. I kicked the norco cause it wasn't doing anything, i actually gave it back to the doctor to show him i wasn't selling it or whatever because he drug tested me and it didn't show up. But, after that i still had he pain along with clinical depression being amplified by the morphine.  I take 200mgs of zoloft daily. i started taking more and more of the morphine and when i would run out....well i could always get more if i wanted it. But when i had worked my way up to taking 800mgs all at one time. twice daily i decided i was really doing wrong.  I had a turn of bad luck and had to go from 800mgs twice daily on thursday to 30mgs twice daily on the following Friday.  Needless to say  it was very ujnpleasant but i wanted to quit so i just suffered it.  and ended up having to go to the Emergency Room because i couldn't breath and basically just lost myself in the depression and anxiety.  But now i'm still going through withdrawl very VERY severely and it gets so bad that i just get suicidal and what not. so i take a little more to fight the withdrawl and the next day it starts all over.  I get my refill on this Tues and what i want is to be able to take my meds the way i'm supposed to.  it's been 4 days since i mad friends with the E.R docs and they said i should have been dead from the withdrawl so i consider it a sign that doing this is the right thing.  I didn't start abusing medicine untill the morphine stopped not curing my pain. i do have a real need for the meds and i'm not ashamed i have to take them, but i just don't have any support in my house for this. i want to taper back down to my prescribbed dose and the family i live with (who ALSO take morphine and one has a morphine pump and takes oral all legit prescriptions) say that doctors just take away all your meds and let you suffer the withdraw.  I know that in some cases that is probably true, but the doctors at my local ER said i would HAVE to taper because of my amounts i was taking and the amount of time i've been on the stuff, and my pain. but i just need some advice. should i tell my pain management guy how i've been abusing this stuff and just come clean and tell him how horrible i am, or should i just taper mself down to my prescribed dose??  i am DEATHLY afraid of withdraw. i have severe anxiety/depression that i can usually deal with. but the w/d is what scares me the most and the whole heart trying to stop on me thing : /  Thanks for all of your help. i've read alot of the posts here and think this forum will be able to help me and support me.  :D thank you all!

-Billy

[Kova]

Hi.  are you on any meds for your depression?  if you ever have suicidal thoughts it may be a good idea.  there is nothing wrong with taking antidepressants if you need them.
why did you call yourself "horrible"?  you are not a bad person, you just have a problem.  i would come clean and tell the doctor.  tapering by yourself will be really difficult.

love and light,
Kova

[Billy__B]

Yea the Zoloft is for the depression and anxiety. I'm afraid if i tell my doctor he'll just cut me off and i'll be right back into the vicious cycle of this again. I've gone from takeing 800mgs twice daily to about 500mgs twice daily in about... 6 days?  but withdraw STILL hurts soooooo bad! Thx for the help kova :P

-Billy

[Billy__B]

P.S.  The reason i'm dropping so fast is lack of meds and parents saying if i don't do it this way they'll kick me out. i would LOVE to taper slower and not be unable to function from the W/D but i'm just at a loss.

-Billy

[worried878]

Lots of support here...long post and I can see u r at high doses...but briefly...how much on average did u take of morphine daily for the past month?  and that is the only narcotic u take?  just trying to get a feel for where u r at....and now u r 0 meds? other than zoloft?

[Billy__B]

I was taking 800 mgs twice daily up until about 4 days ago. and i'm out completely as of this morning. for past 4 days i had been taking 500mgs twice daily. but right now withdraw is super kicking me in the bum! >.< its the worst!! i do still have my zoloft though for as much good as the 200mgs daily does my depression ( which isn't much at all).  :'( i get my meds on tuesday and i WANT to just take my reg dose of it but i'm just really really anxious and i've already had one panic attack today which lead me to this site : /. I'm just in a very bad way. and thank you so much for the support!!

-Billy B

[worried878]

1000 mg of morphine a day is not gonna be pain free/in fact a bit scary and I am on the positive side as a rule   but u know that..it sounds like u will suffer then refill on tuesday..merry go round?  is it not? geez...u dont feel well at all i am guessing?  u have nothing to tide u over?..when u get ur refill..sounds like that is ur plan..then post and have someone help u taper if u r tired of this..i would be sick and tired of being sick and tired by now...large dose

Zoloft is not going to take the place of the narcotic that got u here....receptor sites affected are totally different...zoloft is an SSRI....seratonin and u r taking away dopamine enhancement...google that..dopamine enhancers to try and help urself

I am sure ur pain is big time...as is mine...but u r treading into deep doo doo in the narcotic world..there will come a time when the narcotic is ur AD...zoloft is a flea in comparison..mrphine is not a usual "high" choice but just as addicting and the feel to take it to feel "okay" is a real problem

when u refill/if u do decide to refill/do u want help?

my thoughts are with u

[worried878]

oh...and for now if u have nothing to help..do u have anything to help u sleep..any muscle relaxxers, phenergan, ambien, anything that will help knock u out if need be and rest?

[susansuno]

Billy,that cycle of waiting for the next refill date got very old to me,I take lortab 10,anyway,I was honest with my doc and told him I was taking too many.....you are so young,how long do you want to do this?? I'm not saying to tell the doc but you need to tell someone,I just got real with myself so\\\ I am just another pill head trying to get off.
I will keep you in my prayers and wish the best for you.

[Billy__B]

God your right. It is very painful!!! i feel like i'm losing my mind.  I do want off this merry-go-round but i have tried all kinds of things for my migraines through various doctors and opiates are the first and only thing that have worked. my migraines stem from vertebrae in my neck that are way out of alignment and am at high risk for Degenerative Disk Disease and am showing early signs of it according to my pain management dr.  I don't want to completely just not take my meds because i wsa a very unhappy person because of my pain and i guess for the first time in my life i was painfree and i just ran with it way way badly.  But i do want to be back on my reg prescribed dose and at the same time, i KNOW that i probably won't be able to trust myself with my meds and i'm basically all that i have here.  I have Lunesta and Skelaxin ( muscle relaxer). i couldn't sleep so i just took a lunesta.  I know the zoloft isn't morphine i'm just saying that at my current dose of it it's not curing my depression/anxiety.  But of course i'm super messed up at the moment.  All i'm able to do is sit here and read peoples' stories and hope mine turns out okay.  I've already had 3 panick attacks today and think i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown from that. : / i'm just at a loss on many, many levels.  but i DO appreciate your responses.  this is sooooooooooooo hard and the family i live with said they would help however they could and the 3rd day in they said they were sick of it and if i didn't start acting nicer they would kick me out.  so not much support here.  everytime i read a reply here it takes my mind off of it for a bit.  :D atleast that's something?  

-Billy B  

[worried878]

Yep...alot..means u r alone in this   basicly...but u it the scheme of things we only have ourselves anyway...so that is where u r...just u and the wds....sux as they may seem bigger than u//////u 5 or 6 or 7 foot...wds can be 10 feet tall for sure...but i am never afraid..i have my faith so I am never alone.....i stayed home alone and kicked my habit..not as large as urs as it wa shydro at 80-100 a day  ....morphine is not  oftern something u will crave mentally//just physically..put it in perspective and remeber who has control here..and do call out for ur higher power whoever He may be...he will help u thru this more than any mere human can do...be safe...be over all this circus stuff...be ready to come back with an iron fist...this is just not worth it in the long run..burning precious years on drugs that will never be replaced...no paybacks in time in life..when the time is gone it is gone forever ...quit wasting it

i know these next few days will be hard..keep posting and let us kow what u do..ER may come into play as the number 1 thing that gets high users at home is dehydration..feels way worse than wds.....push the h20...imodium (immodium)...control fluid loss

keep posting..i am with u and hope u decide to be sick of all of this soon

[Billy__B]

Hey thanks for the quick reply! i just found out that i've got the lunesta/skelaxin/ (skelaxin is 800mgs 3times daily.  and i have like 2 months stock prescription on it.  : / and i MAY have some xanax that they gave me for a pre-op to put me under that i didn't take, could that work for my anxiety? till i can get to c my doctor?  i'm just soooooo anxious and its like a horrible nightmare that i'm having. : /

[troubleinohio]

sorry you are in this situation. it ***** so bad to have true pain and fight this demon. (bad back here amongst other things with me). and yes the xanax will help your anxiety greatly but be careful with it, its just as addicting as the opiates. But short term it will help you get through the worst of the WD's .  This is just my opinion and some may say not to take it at all. its up to you. do your research first, and use caution. good luck to you and keep posting.  

[Billy__B]

Wow u just hit it on the head, everyone except my doctor and my therapist thinks i'm just using for the high, but it started as pain relief THEN i liked the high.  no i just want to not have this damn pain >.<  It is a true battle.  my parents aren't supportive at all.  My dad has taken this stuff since 1997 and says it doesn't make him feel very good.  he takes 90mgs 3x daily PLUS w/e his morphine pump gives him.  He's sooooo in denial about it because i can see the same **** happening to him that i did when i was on it.  He saw me this morning (its 8:44 a.m. now) and i was in the depths of misery and he felt sorry cause he said he saw himself in me.  I didn't know it but he was addicted to vicodin for 4 yrs and to beat it went to morphine.  Given he HAS had 27 back surgeries, is disabled, and still trys to do stuff for himself so i don't hold it against him.  Just GOD am i gonna be in his position in 8 years??  4???  he gave me a 60mg of the morphine on "spec" (speculation that u will pay back or trade later) so atleast that's something.... it just is, in no way a decent live if u have true chronic pain and have to contend with this monster daily. i'll post later. and i did not take the xanax.  i took a lunesta and slept in nightmare hell for 6 hours : /


-Billy B.

[Inquizitive1]

Billy, I am sorry to hear all you are going through.  At such a young age only a strong person could have dealt with what you are dealing with right now.  While forums are a good place to get minor advice about your involuntary addiction, I believe that your doctor is the appropriate source for advice on your medication.  With the number of drugs you are taking, there is an increased risk of drug interactions.  So taking any of your old drugs without consulting your doctor is not adviced.  Mixing a number of drugs can be fatal and lead to an overdose even when you are taking amounts you have taken before.  When talking to your doctor be sure to mention your concern of drug addiction so he can tailor your drug therapy around this.  And you are not a terrible person.  People way older than you are way worse than you are.  Some do not even have a reason to take the drugs.  But please, for your safety, before you make any decisions on how you want to modify your dosing consult your doctor and let him modify it for you or at least inform you of what could be potentially dangerous.

- Inquiz

[Billy__B]

Thank you for the kind words.  I see doctor on tuesday when i get refill.  I had that 60mgs bout an hour ago and compared to yesterday, i feel GREAT. not high, just not puking/ shaking/ and don't feel like i'm going to die from this withdraw.  Not sure it that's possible but i've heard it is.  I'm going to try to take my mind off of this stuff. will post again later.

- Billy B

[Drod26]

Hey dude,
Well first of all I must say I was on something totally different (tramadol) so there is really no comparison on the types of meds however the "addiction" is something I can give you advice on. Man, I would tell your Pain Management Dr. whats up that way he can help you come off them and taper down to get you in the right direction. I know I'M not much help but keep your head up & follow your heart & everything will work!! This forum had helped me SO much! being able to track your recovery and leave journals and chat with people that has been in your shoes definitely shows the light at the end of the tunnel. OK well if you need anything let me know...good luck & God bless...

[Billy__B]

Thank you for our input!  I've called my doctor and have a 15 min appt on tuesday when i get my script to tell him.  I just know its hard.  I'm feeling alot better right now though.  Thanks for all the help and i will keep posting!

-Billy B

[Billy__B]

I have decided to get my refill and take it as prescribed.  I have talked to my Wife and told her about my problem, just came out honestly....and she left for about 4 hours then came back and told ME that she has been seeing a doctor for pain in her back.  As i have been in a plan crash (4 years ago) and her in a car crash (last year) she is completely on board with the demon of chronic pain VS. opiates.  we had a 2 hour talk and came clean with each other bout our situation.  We have decided for me that i am going to just get my refill and take it as prescribed since that is what was alleviating my debilitating migraines (actually more like spinal headaches due to my Degenerative Disk Disease and spinal fluid that leaks out of my vertebra). She has been taking morphine prescribed at 50mgs twice daily and has been running out.I'm going to tough this out and get my refill and do as i am supposed to.  She is going to switch to my doctor (since we are getting back together....been apart 2 months when my addiction got me to where i was just Mr. Don't care) and go into his pain med plan.  we have talked about this extensively and have decided that if we take the meds as we are supposed to and can be able to lead healthy normal lives than we will.  We have actually written up an agreement (we are both weak in different areas) and got this agreement notarized and it is hanging on our wall atm (we just moved back in together).  We are going to lean on eachother and overcome the demon of abuse!  We are resolved to! Any thoughts would be appreciated, i'm going to show her this site and get her involved here as well!  thanks all for the support and i'm going to keep on posting and helping where i can. this forum helped me tremendously!

Billy B

[OnOxyfor10yrs]

I am going to PM you now!