Depression as a withdrawal symptom

[rain]

I had surgery for colon cancer when I was 20 and immediately after was diagnosed with severe acid reflux with stomach spasms.  My family doctor has been prescribing me with percocet and Losec for pain for the last 2 years.  I was taking 2 pills when required (approx. 2-3x/week).  There have been days before when I didnt use anypills, and I was fine.  The last 2 months before I quit my job was very stressful and I was experiencing pain all day, and I started to take percocet all day-everyday (not to exceed 5 pills/day) and Ativan 1mg (when required).  I now find since leaving my job I am no longer experiencing any pain and would like to discontinue use.  I stopped taking them 3 days ago and now am having cold sweats, shaking, moodswings, insomnia and SEVERE DEPRESSION/PANIC/ANXIETY.  To relieve some of these symptoms I started to take 1/2 pill 3-4x/day.  I am no longer experiencing the shaking but still have the depression/panic.  I have just started a new job and feel that I don't want to or can't do it.  It comes and goes numerous times throughout the day and is so overwhelming I have to force myself not to just walk away from the job.  Is this a symptom of withdrawal or am I even having withdrawals at all?  If it is a symptom of withdrawal, can I expect that sooner or later it will deacrease then be eliminated completely?  I am desperate to find an answer as the 3 doctor's I've seen just gave me Darvon or some other prescription that I dont think I want.

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

Tara,
Without a doubt depression is very mucy a symptom of withdrawal. Everytime I try and stop my medicine or I run out early I feel like I am going to climb a wall.  The hours go by like days.  I know how you feel.  You are not alone whatsoever.  You need to taper off them and not go cold turkey.  Tara, you now have a job that you love and that is not making you sick.  It would be a shame to have to quit because of this.  Take the two a day that keeps you from all the symptoms.  Then with the help of you doctor just taper off.  With your stomach condition so much better you dont want to quit the job just yet.  Then your stomach would be a mess again.  Tara I have part time job that I love more than anything else in the world. Yet when I go through what you are going through I cannot make the drive to work. It is truly pure hell.  When I am in that state of mind I cant even get  out of bed and get into the shower in the morning much less get to work.  It is embarassing. I hope this helps some.  Please email back and let me know how things are going.  Please dont quit a job that finally makes you happy.
Shelly.

[rain]

Hi Shelley,

Thank you so much for responding.  I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to about this as none of them even know what percoset is.  When I talk to my husband, I can tell he just doesnt understand.  I finally was able to sleep last night (from taking 3mg of Ativan)but woke up this morning with a really bad headache, dizziness and lower back pains.  Do you know if this is normal?  Also do you know if this depression will decrease with time?

Again thanks so much for responding.  Now that I know this is a normal symptom, I can tell myself that when I go through these episodes.  I have the same feeling in the morning.  I get a pit in my stomach and I just want to forget everything.  How do you get through a work day with all of this? I get very embarrased too because I am being trained at my job right now and when I get these moods I just can't grasp anything I am being told.  It usually goes for about 40 minutes.  Do you have this?  Please reply.  Thanks Shelly!

Tamara

[andrea_s]

Tara, I can relate to your post. I have been taking lortab for several years now. When I'm out....I turn into someone I don't even know! I've been at my job for over 20 years....and since I've developed this addiction I've gone downhill. On my "off days" I could not even function. My doctor doesn't realize I'm addicted...I space the pills he prescribes out, but buy tons of them on the side from friends and friends of friends. So he has no idea. He took me off work and prescribed zoloft. I have just a couple weeks left before I'm supposed to go back to work and I'm not any better off than I was 4 weeks ago. I'm still depressed and when I don't have a supply of pills, I get that empty hollow feeling. Sorry I don't have any answers for you or any good advice, I'm still looking for that too! But at least it will help if you know you are not alone. I'm in the same boat you are...but this forum has a lot of good advice on it. Scroll back and read some of the old posts. You'll see how many others are in this mess too. I felt all alone till I came to this forum. I was surprised at how many of us are addicted to pain medication. It is much more common than I ever realized. And everyone seems to have the same withdrawal symptons...with depression being a big part of it. It is surely the worst part for me. The physical ones, I can handle. I've survived that part. It's just the mental part I haven't learned to deal with.
Hang in there. And keep checking this forum. One thing about being here.....you are not alone.

[From Aunt Lindy to Mariah]

Good to hear back from you.
This will sound crazy but sometimes when I cant get to sleep I will take a Xanax. The trouble is that sometimes after finally falling asleep I sleep so hard that I dont move at all from the position I fall asleep in.  Which, by the way is normally on my back.  I have back trouble anyway compounded by waking up in the morning still on my back with one helleva backache.  So maybe when you are finally falling asleep after taking Ativan you sleep so hard that you are not moving and wake up stiff as hell.  Sometimes when I take Xanax I do wake up with a bad headache and a hungover type feeling.  This especially happens when I wait and take it early in the morning after 1 am or so.  

I am on antidepressants too. But I dont think that they make one yet to treat the depression of feeling like **** running out of meds early.  Antidepressants help the chemical inbalance part but there is nothing out there to help with the helpless feeling that you have when you have taken too much too soon.  

Shelly

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

I hear what you guys are saying and I feel for you. I didn't even want to come back to this board because of the way some of you feel about me. That's OK, you are allowed your opionions. I do however want to ask for help one more time. Tara, I am sorry if I get off topic for a little bit but I think that what I have to say might be on the same level as you. I posted here for a long time and was helped very much by people like tom and all you other guys who my clouded mind can't remember right now. I never stopped using OXYCOTIN, maybe a day here and there but for the most part I have been on them for at least the last six months non-stop. Most of you know my history but for anyone interested you can scroll down as I have had many posts. Staring with "oxycotin detox". I just want to start off by saying that this is not just another lame attempt for me to kill time in between scripts. My girlfriend and I are so sick of this addiction that we can no longer take it! There are many reasons why I want to quit again. One of the main reasons is the fact that I need 40mg's just to get out of bed. Then I do another 40 when I am ready to go out. Usually, another 20 and them I am fine for the day. Remember times this by two and you can get the idea of how much I go through a week. My percription use to last us like three weeks. Now we are lucky to get six days out of it. I don't want to rambel on so I will get to the point. I like many others here can now not imagine life without theese pills. I feel that there is nothing to look forward too. I am in such a deep dark depression that the only way I can see comming out of is to take more pills. Of coarse we don't want to and have been on an intence taper program but this is the first day without anything. I really have no idea what more to say other than I feel like such a piece of ****. I mean, I even spent every single dime I had on this ****. I have no more money and am ashamed of myself. I know that maybe someone out there might be able to help us....Again,              CHAD

[andrea_s]

Chad, don't beat yourself up. I have been coming to this board for about a year....I have been using the whole time too. I come here when I run out for support....then when I get my refill I stay away. Right now I'm close to running out, so I am hanging out here again. These damn pills have taken over my life. All my plans revolve around LORTAB! Shopping trips, vacations, even tupperware and home interior parties. If I have a supply of pain pills, I'll go...if not then I stay home. My job is in jeopardy, my marriage has already broken up, and my credit cards are maxed out. So. See! I'm all screwed up too! You're not alone. And right now as I type this....I'm thinking of a way to get hold of another prescription. The depression that goes with this is horrible. The physical pain is much easier to handle. There is nothing worse than waking up at 4:00 am and knowing I have no pills to take to get my day going. And there is no better feeling than waking up at 4:00 am with a supply of pills and knowing I can pop about 4 and get going and have a normal day. Ha! I guess I don't even know what normal is anymore.
Anyway,hang in there. Keep posting. I know you feel like no one wants to hear about it..but I do.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Thank you so much, I too have that sinking feeling in my chest when I know that I don't have any pills left. I want to talk some more but my head is pounding....Talk soon, Chad

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

You know what? I am sitting here trying to detox while watching the golden globe awards and so far they have made at least 5 drug refferances. The last one came from David Spade who said he was in a good mood due to the fact that he found 10 vicoden in his gift basket! Oh well, thought you guys might get a kick out of that! CHAD

[rain]

Hey guys,

I am very happy that there are a few people that can discuss this now.  Thank you for all your insight as I was totally naive to all of this until now.  Katie, you said that you are taking zoloft.  I have some of this now, and I started to take it today.  Do you know how long it takes before it starts to have an effect?  Also, will it make me groggy if I am taking it with my 2 percoset's each day?  

You guys are really making me feel better, I wish I had some advice to offer all of you.  Thanks,

Tara

[to CHAD from a friend in Philly]

Don't give up CHAD.  You are not alone.  Just because you have tried and failed doesn't mean you have no place on this forum.  We are all in the same situation more or less.  How are your education pursuits going?

[To Tom and rest of forum from Maryanne]

any antidepressant will work better if you are not taking anything else or drinking alcohol.  I understand what you are going through as I just went through detox myself.  Get off those percocet as soon as possible.  I am on my 7th day clean and feel like a slave who has been set free.  I have access to all the percocet and lorcet I want as I am a chronic pain person but to hell with the pills - I've gotten my life back and I'm keeping it.  Better to spend my money on mineral ice, weekly massages and other pain relievers.  Good luck, Maryanne

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Well, I am kind of in a rut. As far as school goes I am unable to attend due to the fact that I am broke and have no one to help me. My credit is so bad that I can't even get a loan. That is very depressing. You know, the main problem is that I am stuck at home on workman's comp so I get extremly bord. I want to get help from a meeting or something but I am having trouble hooking up with one as I don't think that a AA meeting might be good for me as I don't really drink. Any advice?

[joe in Philly to CHAD]

You have a difficult situation on your hands.  If you want to send me an email I can tell you about some of the computer education programs in the Philadelphia area.  Some have needs-based scholarship programs.  

***@****

[rain]

Hello,

Do you know how often I should be lowering my dosages of percoset and by how much each time?  I have been taking the 2 pills/day for the last 6 days and I had cut that back from 4.  Also, do you know how this will affect my weight as I am already 18 lbs. under weight?

Thanks for your help.  I too have access to as many percoset as I need but I dont think I really need them.  Congratulations on your 7 days clean, you must feel great!

Tara

[cindi]

TO Chad,  I have been where you are and so have most if not all of us.  Don't beat yourself up anymore.  You said you feel like a meeting may help?  You don't really drink?  Alot of people will disagree with me but I found a really strong NA meeting in my area with alot of clean time.  They say the problem with Na is a lack of clean time but my sponsor has 13 years abd alot of the people at the meeting have in excess of 5 years.  It worked for me as i never drank much either.  Y don't you try looking into NA?  It may be for you also.  Once we are clean we have to learn to live again,  I like the thread somewhere up above this her whole life revolved around her drugs.  Mine did too.  Do dishes need drugs etc.  that was my life.  Then i had to learn to do all this over again.  Please keep posting   good luck and take care  cindi

[Marryanne]

Sounds like you are doing a good job of tapering!  Good luck to you!  Anyway, I had heard that you should at the end, cut by only like 1/2 pill per week to feel minimal discomfort.  Try working out with weights and eating protein bars along with lots of nutritious real food to gain weight.  You will look and feel great!  Good luck to you Tara and please keep us posted.

[dave]

Withdraws are not that hard if you get the right stuff.
Ask your doctor to give you the following:
1. 4 .2MG Clonidine pacthes, they last 7 days.
2. Soma, it is a musale relaxer and helps take the
   edge off. you will need a couple weeks worth.(240 pills)
   take 2 or 3 every 4 hours.

3. restoril, 30MG this is a sleeping pill and is worth
   its weight in gold. get 30 of these take one a night.

I have withdrawled both ways and if you have the above
supplies you will see how much better it is.
All these meds are cheap.

[dave]

Withdraws are not that hard if you get the right stuff.
Ask your doctor to give you the following:
1. 4 .2MG Clonidine pacthes, they last 7 days.
2. Soma, it is a musale relaxer and helps take the
   edge off. you will need a couple weeks worth.(240 pills)
   take 2 or 3 every 4 hours.

3. restoril, 30MG this is a sleeping pill and is worth
   its weight in gold. get 30 of these take one a night.

I have withdrawled both ways and if you have the above
supplies you will see how much better it is.
All these meds are cheap.

[rain]

Do you know if these med's cause drowsiness or confusion.  Also, do they also help with the depression?  I am having a very hard time understanding my new job, I do not feel like my mind is all there.  I have lowered my dosage and had to increase again because I am having really bad mood swings.  One minute I am fine and the next I dont care about anything, and I can tell people are noticing.  I have made an appointment with my doctor for next week.  Please reply with the side effects that you encountered so that I may decide if I should inform her of this situation or not.

Thanks!
Tara

[rain]

I was doing so well with tapering off of this percoset, I had a really bad day today and just took 4 after I got down to 1 a day.  Does this mean that I have to start over?  I am very upset I feel like I totally failed and now I want to throw it up before it hits me but I cant.  I am more depressed than ever right now.  Please, can somebody give me some reasurrance as I am alone right now and very upset.  I feel like a total screw-up.  What am I supposed to do now?  I feel like I am throwing my life down the drain.  I am only 22 and thought I was past all this or working towards it and now I am right back where I started.  I cant stop crying, and I'm shaking and I dont know why and I feel like I have a very weak mind.  Please somebody tell me where do I go from here?

Tara

[tom to tara]

face it, you're an addict, like the rest of us. Doesn't matter how you started. Self-tapering is extremely difficult, and you're using a drug with a particularly addictive quality and nasty withdrawal. You need to seek professional help. Since you work, perhaps you have insurance and can get medically detoxed, after which you will have to cope with the psychological part of your addiction (the part that makes it impossible to taper) with AA or NA meetings.
go to AA and NA's web sites with meetings listed all over the place. Cheer up. You're not alone at all. You started taking a powerful and powerfully addicting medication for a legitimate reason, percocet, and the inevitable happened. You're physically and psychologically hooked like everyone on this site. But help is out there. Your doctor could refer you to a detox, or, since you've got a new job and can't take time off, detox you as an out-patient -- not as comfortable, but at least you have someone else supervising your recovery. It' best to get detoxed first, then find some AA or NA meetings in your area to go to. It's scary walking in to a meeting the first time, but that evaporates in the first five minutes when you realize that you are with people who accept you, people who have experienced what you're experiencing, people you can be totaly honest with, since it is anonomous. No one will force you to talk, but it's highly recommended that you do. Tell them your story and just watch all the looks of recognition in the room. You'll realize that you're just a normal, decent person with nothing to be ashamed of. Addiction is a disease and help is out there. Ask for a sponsor when you speak. You'll learn why. About the darvocet: darvon or darvocet is a lower grade narcotic but is good at relieving the withdrawal symptoms of drugs like percocet. If they offer you some, take them and see if they help. As long as you don't use the darvon for too long, it would be easier to taper than the stronger percocet you're on. Percocet is oxycodone and is considered to be in the morphine class of narcotics, so it's very, very serious stuff. Just don't try to do all this alone. Secrecy will just keep you using. Find some meetings you feel comfortable in; don't just accept the first meeting you find. That's important. And, from what you've said, I'd personally recommend trying AA meetings over NA. You might be more comfortable there. Besides, all those drinkers are pill addicts too, just like you. Remember: there is no shame in what you've done. Hold your head up high and ask for that help. You'll make it, tara. You're in very good company. Take care. Post again, if you want to talk. Good luck.

[tom to tara and Chad]

well, well, well ... here we are again. I'm writing this at 5PM Sunday. I've got to go into work in an hour. Why? Because I got myself into major dutch at what should be a dream job. What happened? I'm writing the manuals for a new piece of software as it is being developed. We have this ridiculous date to go to beta because the company is desperate to bring out a new product before they issue their first IPO. So, here I am -- in charge of writing these books while trying to deal with my addiction. Naturally, I can't tell anyone at work why one day I seem to be on top of things and then totally lost the next (when I run out of my pain pills). Last Friday, I had a choice: make my doctor appointment so that I could get all my meds refilled, or go to a meeting about this rush-rush project. Guess which I did. I rationalized some excuse to make the doctor appointment and then returned to work, totally flush with the drugs that keep me going, feeling on top of things again. Five o'clock comes around and I get an e-mail. For missing the meeting my name is mud and the VP takes the leadership role away from me and puts me under another writer, who is now in charge of the project. I now work for someone who last week worked for me. Embarrassed doesn't quite cover it. They can't afford to fire me because no one else knows enough about the software. But, now, I get the silent nods from project directors that called me by my first name last week. I'm now "the guy who can't be counted on." Why did this happen? Drugs. Always drugs. I look back at my life and all the squandered opportunities and trace the causes. I don't have to look very far. Drugs. The taking, the finding, the buying of drugs and all the hung over mornings when I called in sick so I could get high and pull the bed sheet over  my head and hide from my responsibilities. Every single failure in my life can be traced to some or all those aspects of using prescription narcotics. So here I am, about to come into work on a Sunday evening just to salvage whatever is left of my reputation. AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE WHY!!!!!
Only to my friends on this forum can I say these things and know that I will be understood. Not excused, just understood. I have what should be a dream job with great pay and great opportunities and what am I doing? Just what I always do. Seek out, obtain and use pain pills or risk coming apart at the seams. Thirty years of almost making good, almost achieving that special thing, almost, almost , almost. I think that my headstone should read "He was almost someone."
Chad, tara, Maryanne, Dan, JB, Charlie, Katie, Brighty (and so many more) … I know you know how I feel. You know about all the "almost's", don't you? Sorry if I have no words of inspiration tonight. I feel like something you peel off the bottom of your shoe. Not exactly on top of the world tonight. I just couldn't get into my car and leave for work tonight without talking to someone. Thanks for "listening." Have a good night, everyone. Talk to you again soon.
Signed,
A very diminished tom

[rain]

Just listening to your story I have a pit in my stomach.  It's the worst feeling ever when your addiction causes you to do something and the consequences seem irreversable.  I have never read a post like this from you and it is almost frightening.  I read your posts everyday for reasurrance and I have never seen you this down.  It just goes to show how much power these pills have over your life.  

Tom, it is a shame that this has happened and I can only imagine how hard it will be for you to face your co-workers everyday but you are a strong person.  The good thing is, is that you are right now indispensable within that organization and you can still rectify this situation.  The important thing is that you understand how this has happened and how you can prevent this from happening again.  If you look at your old posts, they are so inspirational and I think that the best advice you can seek right now is the advice that you have offered that has helped so many of us get through times like this.  

You are very experienced with this and you are one of the most knowledgable people that I have seen on this board.  I know it is easier said than done but I think you should view this as an event in your life that you can strive to make better and use it as an incentive to your recovery.

I hope you are feeling better Tom.  

Take Care!

Tara

[tom to tara]

thanks, my friend. I will take your words to heart and consider your advice. I thank god that I have someone like you to talk to. The world can be a dark and cold place. Hearing from you has given me a little warmth and light. I don't even know who you are yet I feel the security of your companionship. Have a good night.

[DChas]

Well I cant say that i have any legitimate reason for using painkillers - but slowly over the past year i have become addicted.  I live in an area that has an epidemic going on with herion and opiate use, with oxycontins being the most widely abused drug lately.  You can sell a 80mg pill here for $100 easy.  People are stealing and robbing for them - and I know so many people that are completely caught up in this nasty circle of addiction.  As for myself, i hold down a couple of good paying jobs, so i can afford to spend 20 to 40 bucks a day on pills.  But that leaves no money for anything else and also keeps me using, making me more of an addict.
Reading all of these posts makes me feel better that i am not alone and also worse cause i know i have to quit sometime and its going to be hell.  I cant miss anymore time at work (trying to get a promotion) since ive already used up sick time for those days when i couldnt find anything.  And i dont want to go to rehab if at all possible.  However i feel that its becoming necessary.  Im ashamed of having to do it, and i know that it will hurt me at work even though no one has to know why i had to take time off.  
Right now I usually am snorting about 20 to 30 mgs a day of oxy.  This would be an average day.  Sometimes I do up to 50 if i feel like splurging.  I try not to ever do them in the morning so that my body doesnt get used to needing it to get out of bed.  But after work i start and do it till i go to bed in little doses.  When i cant get oxys i get percs or vics and chew 2 or 3 and that works the same.
Ive tried quitting pretty much cold turkey (had some muscle relaxers and trasidone)  a while ago and it sucked but i only missed a day and a half from work and went 6 days before slipping back in again.  However this was when i was only doin about 10mgs a day.  I had some problems sleeping, but i could sleep, had some cold sweats, muscles sore, yawns, and general overall lack of all energy.  I managed to get through the days and even through some full work days.
Im scared to even try this again now.  
Ive tried tapering lately but i guess im not ready to make the full effort cause i keep going back to a 40mg day again without fail.  I have it in my mind that i will get a supply, ration it out for 2 wks to taper down to 5 mg a day - but im not sure if this is even worth attempting.
Gotta go for now if anyone has any thoughts for me id love to hear.

[Tom G.]

Hey tom,
   Read your sincere post. I am so sorry to hear about the the decision your management made based on missing one small ASS meeting without consideration of the impact it would have on an important member of the team. (Poor Management in my opinion). One meeting does determine the outcome of a product. The Company has a schedule and if you meet that schedule so what if you missed that meeting. You seem to me to be a very well respected professional in your field and with your company. Maybee the V.P. screwed you on this project by taking the leadership role away from you just to send you a message. If he is smart he is going to watch how YOU respond to this decision and if you act like a team player and bust ass on this project no matter who is in charge and meet the company's goals then HE WILL BE IN AWE OF YOU. Take this situation and channel the negativity of the situation into something positive because it will BENEFIT you and your company and everything will fall into your lap. If you appear to be upset and pissed it will only HURT you.  Hang in there we are all together here...Tom G.

[tom to Tom G]

I hear you, man. And you're absolutely right about how I should react to it. So, far, this is what I've managed to do. But they're a ruthless bunch and loyalties are paper-thin. If I walked out now, 48 hours later no one would remember I ever existed. However, I know deep down I made it happen and I need to take responsibility for it. But, man, nothing stings like wounded pride. The fact that the reason it happened MUST remain secret simply makes me look like even more of an enigmatic flake. I work for a start-up on its third round of venture capital financing, so the IPO is a life or death thing and the project I'm on is the key to going public. And, yes, I have stock options that could wind up being anything from worthless to enough for a down payment on a house. So I have good reasons to tough it out and make it work. But the loss of respect of my peers hurts deep down and knowing it was entirely my own doing makes me hate myself. And always for the same goddamn reason. What's that line about "counting the cost"? After thirty years of opiate addiction, I don't dare make a full tally of all I've done and failed to do. I'm 47, so you can see I've never known what adult life is like truly sober and I may never know. But I know what shames feels like tonight. Thanks for your wise words, Tom G.

[andrea_s]

Tom, I just finished reading your post. I'm in a similar situation. I didn't share this in any of my earlier posts because I was ashamed. I have almost screwed up my whole life because of these damn pills. I'll give you the short version. Chasing these pills around has ruined my marriage, my credit and almost my job. I have been at the same job for 22 years. But over the last 2 years I've gone to hell in a speed boat. If I'm out of pills, I just can't focus. I've missed so much work it's just downright pitiful. I used to be one of the top employees and now I'm at the bottom of the list. I can't remember the last time I worked a 40 hour week. I finally went to my doctor and got 6 weeks off to try and get my **** together. Well, my 6 weeks are almost over and my **** is still scattered all over. No one at works knows about this. They all think I'm very ill....they see me struggling to get through the day, they see me breaking out in a sweat then getting chills, they see me run to the bathroom and they see me burst into tears for no reason. I guess if they ever find out that I brought this "illness" on myself, they'd probably tar and feather me. I left my husband because trying to deal with this addiction and deal with him was just too overwhelming. And another reason I left is because I have gotten fo far into debt trying to support my habit and ...well, I don't want to be within 10 miles of him when he finds out. I'm staying with my mom for now. And even with all this going on.....the only thing I can think of is.....I CAN GET MY LORTAB REFILLED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep! Today is the day. Of course I haven't been doing without....I got hold of some darvocets but lortab is my drug of choice and I'm counting the hours till I can pick up my prescription. Thank God for this forum. Like you said....it's the one place we can be ourselves. You guys know more about me than my own family and friends do. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about this mess. I guess I'll deal with that when I'm down to my last few lortabs,huh? Ok, thanks for listening!

[rain]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is feeling better today.  I am reading all the above posts and I can see that everyone is kind of in the dumps right now and I think we are being hard on ourselves.  You know, there are alot of addicts that do not even have the want to quit and that is something that is a shame.  But everyone on this forum is here for the same reason, they want to get better and I think that is a start that everyone should be proud of.  I myself am proud that I have even brought myself to this forum and I think everyone here has accomplished something by doing the same.  I'm not excusing any addictions but I am saying that we are much farther ahead than if we were using with no thought of ever quitting.  When I get depressed now I can put that thought in my head and try to get another step closer to my goal.  I hope everyone will try to think positive when times are the hardest, otherwise we could get closer to the possibility of giving up.  I hope this makes everyone feel somewhat better because I know that when I am down the people on this forum make everything better for me.  I feel very secure here with all of you!

Tara

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

It's tough to go on when it seems that life in general has knocked all the wind out of our sails.  And then depression sets in to deliver the death blow!  Like Tom, and many others here I have been fighting this war with addiction for many years.  For me, depression is the cruelest part of the whole progression.

I've tried most of the AD's like Prozac,Paxil,Effexor and a few mood elevators like Elavil.  For me, nothing works except complete abstinance from all mood altering drugs.  Programs like AA and NA gave me a high like no other I've experienced.  It's great to feel great and have self esteem and be substance free!

That all disappeared when I relapsed some time ago when life dealt me a bad hand and I wasn't strong enough to cope. Now I suffer fits of depression, self pity, anxiety and just plain fear.  I will keep trying though because I know that there really is a light at the other end of the tunnel.  People like you help to light the way for me! J.B.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I've been opiate free for over 72 hours now.  Already I feel my old self coming back again.  I decided to quit because I feared that I was starting to go down that old road again.  With a little help from my friends in AA, I made the decision.  It's pretty scary no matter which way you decide to go but I chose to stick with the winners instead of the whiners.  J.B.

It's only a life and death matter.

[andrea_s]

Hi Tara. Your post was great. Thanks! I guess we do beat ourselves up alot....but you're right when you say at least we are here and facing the fact that we have a problem. You guys are a great bunch of people. This forum has been a lifesaver for me. Up until a year ago I thought I was alone. I still have my same problems but at least now I have people to talk to about it.
Tara......what is your story? How did you end up here? I could probably read back and find some old posts. :) Just curious how you ended up in here and how long you've been struggling with this. Again...thanks for your post. I needed some perking up!

[Frank]

Well folks,

When I originally posted it was kinda of like hurling a rock into the sky, not knowing or caring where it would land, just a moment of frustration when I could be honest with someone. Obviously it's virtual honesty, but the people in this thread are just like me. Addicted, wanting to change, not wanting to change, intelligent, functiong people who are trapped. I have see so much caring and inspiration in the last week, just in this thread. I think maybe you will be my friends. Oh I have plenty of friends who think I am successful, a family man, a great guy to have a beer with etc. But there is not a soul in the world I can talk to about my dependence on pain killers. I just want to say thank you all for your kind words and encouragement to each other. Tom, hang in there. I think what I see here is insight - we may not have a lot of other good characteristics and I even consider myself an upscale junkie, but I really want a better life and can really feel for the first time that others out there have the same regrets and suffer from the despair I do. That means something, it really does.

[andrea_s]

I second that! This forum is the only place I open up and spill my guts. And it does help to know I'm not alone.

[rain]

Hi Katie,

Actually, I think you responded to my question a couple of weeks back when I posted the question at the top of this thread regarding depression as a withdrawal symptom (that is pretty much all there is to my story).  Now I am weaning myself off of percocet with the help of everyone here.  I am having alot of ups and downs too but I am trying to stay positive.  I was reading your posts and feel very scared for you.  I know what the initial withdrawal felt like (which seemed to be 100 times worse),and I cannot imagine going through that numerous times.  I hope that things get somewhat better when you return to work.  I know that the busier I am, the more I can keep my mind off of the pills.  Do you know what happens at AA or NA meetings as I am totally clueless on this subject?

Have a nice day!

Tara

[To Tom and rest of forum from Maryanne]

Tom, I just read your post about what's going on at work and how upset and depressed you've been about taking the pills.  I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and you know I'll be here for you.  I do not judge you Tom and do understand how you feel.  I myself should have been half way through med school by now and guess what?  Pills have gotten in the way - all the call outs, the cop - outs, the lieing to get what I think I want and need!  It sucks, doesn't it?  It's alright though  -  there is light at the end of the tunnel and when you are ready to live a life clean of all drugs, you will know and I want you to know that I will do everything I can to help you -  Your friend, Maryanne
PS  -  keep in touch via email and from now on, I'm going to try to read through these comments more thoroughly, I had no idea this was going on...

[spook]

Tara,this is all perfectly normal,you should never abruptly stop Opioid(narcotic)Analgesics or Benzodiazepines.
you are on day 3 and your symptoms are peaking from both drugs,just taper off slowly as you feel comfortable,but switch to valium as your benzodiazepine.

[spook]

Tara,this is all perfectly normal,you should never abruptly stop Opioid(narcotic)Analgesics or Benzodiazepines.
you are on day 3 and your symptoms are peaking from both drugs,just taper off slowly as you feel comfortable,but switch to valium as your benzodiazepine.Ativan withdrawal is causing all the panics,you said as required,so I assume at least once a day,Ativan wears of very quick and causes these panicks if you go to valium and taper of it you will feel fine.

[cindi]

Thank you Tara, you took the words right out of my mouth.  I know we have a tendency to suffer in silence.  What makes us do this?  shame and guilt.  I have been battling addiction for many years and it is like carrying around a monster on my shoulders.  it had taken over my life, consumed me and became my obsession.  I have been feeling so down in the dumps like everyone else.  And like the people in this forum, I feel so comfortable here.  Finaaly, I feel like I belong somewhere.  I hate that my friends and family think that I am so strong to overcome so many obtacles.  They have no idea how I struggle.  My mom was my mainstream of support, she is gone, my husband is in recovery and has been clean for 10 years.  It is very easy for him or so it seems.  well, anyway, I'm on my way back to bed, this pneumonia has done me in this week  take care cindi

[Tara]

Hi Spook,

My doctor gave me ativan to control the panic attacks but I did not know that it could cause panic.  I will try valium because the panic has been worse lately.  Is valium addictive?  I am not very familiar with all of these meds.  All I know is what I've taken so this is all pretty new to me.  I have also found that I become extremely irritable when the ativan wears off.  Is this a normal side effect?  I have searched ativan and only found that it can cause confusion and other symptoms that do not apply to me.  Please reply with your thoughts.

Thanks,

Tara

[Tara]

Hello,

I know what you mean.  I find it very frustrating when I need somebody to talk to and nobody I know can understand.  My husband is aware of my problem but I am sure he doesn't understand.  He makes light of it or just nods his head as though he is listening.  In fact, I am afraid to even tell him because when we get in a fight he will say I am not thinking straight because I am on so many drugs.  

This is the only place I can turn to when I need support.  It has gotten easier now that time has passed but I still get excessive cravings.  

I can see how it would be difficult for you to deal with this since your major source of support, (your mother), is gone. Fortunately, we have all found this site to help put us at ease.  I know for me, without this site, I wouldn't have even known the symptoms I was having were withdrawals.

I hope you are feeling better.  I've never had pnemonia (pneumonia) before but I've heard it's pretty bad.

Take Care,

Tara

[spook]

Ativan wears off fast and causes withdrawals similar to the symptoms you are taking the drug for.The underlying symptoms re-emerge and combine with the drug withdrawals,this is called "rebound",it is the pits!!.If you are on Ativan for Panic Disorder then that is a Physician error as the Type of Benzodiazepine and dose are wrong.I did not know you had Panick disorder,if you do then normally Xanax in doses of around 6mg daily are usually required,this is equivalent to around 12mg of Ativan,so if you are recieving for TRUE panick Disorder,we have a big problem.
Symptoms of a panick attach:
shortness of breath and smothering sensations
choking
chest discomfort or pain
palpitations and accerated heart rate
sweating
dizziness,faintness
nausea or abdominal distress
Depersonalization or derealization
numbness or tingling sensations
flushes or chills
trembling or shaking
Fear of dying or impending doom
fear of going crazy or doing something uncontrolled.
Initialy these feeling occur spontaneously but later become associated with events like travel on public tranport,being in a supermarket,etc.You must have at least 4 of these symptoms and they must occur or have fear of occurance at least 4 times per month to fit the Psychiatrists Definition,however GP`s,Doctors can prescribe and they are not as discerning.
About 32 out of every 1000 woman suffer from Panick disorder,it is a severely debilitating disorder that leads to increased substance abuse and mortality.
Limited symptom panick attacks occur much more often and are hard to differenciate from anxiety,EXCEPT they start ABRUPTLY,reach a peak in around 10 mins and subside in an hour or so.This is also the hallmark of Panick Disorder,sudden and then dissapears,whereas anxiety can remain constant for years.
Xanax,Valium and Ativan are all addictive Benzodiazepines and seem to work for up to 8 months(when taken daily in large quantity),so the long term prognosis is a mystery to me,If on Xanax you must taper using Xanax or Klonopin as other Benzodiazepines are not completely cross tolerant.If you want to taper and stop using Ativan switch to valium 15mg daily(equal to 1.5mg Ativan)and reduce half a tablet every 3 to 4 days.If you trully have Panick Disorder,see a Psychiatrist OR find a physician who knows about Xanax and will taper you from it 0.5mg/4days max when it becomes a problem eventually.First try a non Benzodiazepine drug as the benzo`s are a mind bender,to say the least,30% of people who take xanax in 6mg doses for Panick Disorder fail to EVER taper to zero.At this point I cannot recommend a suitable non-Benzodiazepine Anti-Panick Drug.

[oxyhater]

I have a nephew taking oxycotin he is to sorry to work so he supports his habit by robbing my mom and dad he is a piece of **** and all you sick bastards are just like him  ps Im sorry for the comments but go to rehab

[oxyhater]

I have a nephew taking oxycotin he is to sorry to work so he supports his habit by robbing my mom and dad he is a piece of **** and all you sick bastards are just like him  ps Im sorry for the comments but go to rehab