Desperate

[Gladiator4782]

I've been abusing hydrocodone for ten years now at some points in my life I've been up to 20 to 30 pills a day. Going from one doctor to another getting what I could to feed this demon. I've lost so much because of this. Been to multiple rehabs and stayed clean only short periods in my life. I just got married a little over a year ago and I don't want to lose my family over this like I had lost my first one, but this is so scary and hard for me to stop. The withdrawals are so scary and miserable that left to my own choice I always choose to find my way back into the bottle. How can I stop. I always believe if I can get over the "kick" I can stop for good. But my mind or body always makes an excuse to betray this hope of mine. Even after a month to six months I always go back. What can I do I when nothing from religion to 12 steps to na hasn't worked. Need advice to make the comedown easier but also to stay clean please help

[lulu747]

Optimistic is good.
Have you been to a meeting yet?  I did SMART recovery.  I was way too sick to leave the house for 7 days but I started out at day 8.  I never looked back.  Sometimes we never know the paradigm that is going to shift within us.  For me it was a voice screaming at me.  Whisper screaming at first but then as the drugs left my system it was strong, loud and proud.  That voice saved my life, I made my life worth living.  For the first time in almost a decade I began to thrive and not just survive.  Life became too precious to jeopardize.  I invested my entire being into getting healthy...Mind/body/spirit.  I did a year of intensive therapy.  CBT and EMDR for PTSD.
I was destroyed from illness and abuse.  Destroyed.
But I rose from those ashes just like a phoenix and I flew.
Then I got sick again.  I'd been sober for over 2 years.  I was in debilitating pain and I needed/am waiting for surgery.
I've had to take pills.
It's really hard but I have guards up all over the place.  I still work a recovery program and I am honest- with everyone-especially myself.
It's not easy but I would NEVER do ANYTHING to compromise the life I have built for myself.
You can do this.  You can.
You just have to keep moving forward and don't look back.
Lu

[Gladiator4782]

Well I know y'all have either been where I am or are going thru what I am going thru. It's funny how things the big book taught me through all my failed attempts at sobriety come flooding back during this time of despair and loneliness, not loneliness in the sense if no one is here or no support around me I have that, but in the sense of the spiritual melody that is so hard to find to fulfill the void of euphoria. Though I remember the big book saying we were like a group of people who have survived the same sinking ship. In that statement alone I find some comfort in the fear of lost hope. For those who are here for me and those like me thanks. It helps with the loss of my frienemy opiates, I have for so long confided in. Still in withdrawal but optimistic

[Loveliveshere]

And the immodiums just help for the diarreah. Paxil helps me with my depression & its not addictive. Call ur doctor to see if u can get script for it.

[Loveliveshere]

Thats so weird im going thru the same thing. Im so sorry i know what its like to go day by day wondering what i couldve done differently :( i lost my family too bcus of vicodin. Im still struggling & felt like nothings worked. I was almost beat to death & still went back to them. But ive tried to stay strong for my son. Please try to quit youve been given a second chance. I know its hard but i quit for a full week so know you can too. I dont mean to sound so morbid im sorry i just want to hear from someone else that they can do it so i know i can do it too. I know how lonely you must feel..just think of your family & keep them close. Try to fight it you can do it! I know i can too im just scared of the withdrawls too all the time. Please keep posting to let us know how you are & it helps to write on here too. Theres so many supportive ppl on here that will help you. Good luck & please try to hang in there!

[Gladiator4782]

Thanks for prayers I'm still here still makin it

[motye51]

Morning...how we doing this a.m.??? U still hanging in there? Try to post if u feel up to it?

[10356]

How are you doing today Gladiator ? When I had quit i was also taking 30 to 40 norco a day along with my soma. I did not sleep for 8 days but I got thru it just as you will. I sent a prayer for you last night.. I'm pulling for you Gladiator that you get thru this and make it to the other side.. lesa

[Gladiator4782]

I read your reply to my situation. I admit that some of my thinking is that of an addicted mind and body. What else is there when you are in wd. Everything screams to go get whatever to make this better. I've given my car away for a little while to keep me here at hm in a "lock down" situation. This was my idea. Everyone asks if I'm sick and tired, but I am an addict my body and mind will never be sick and tired of the euphoric feeling I get from my addiction but I am sick and tired of the consequences upon my family and me. I do know this addiction leads to jails institutions and death and I've experienced two out of three and almost even that third one. This addiction is very powerful and I'm powerless against it on my own. As I struggle through this I accept this fact once again. The Imodium was looking for an easier way but I know in the twelve steps they also looked for an easier way but they could not. They had to give themselves absolutely to the care of god. But right now the only absolute I know is that I absolutely feel horrible. Have to get through this

[10356]

Hi Gladiator Welcome to the forum ! You sure picked a strong name to represent you ! a Warrior.. The thing is with our addictions We can go thru all the steps and still not be able to stay clean. The reason I always went back was I was not ready I was not even getting clean right. I mean I thought like you if I can only get past the wd what a joke. Once you get clean that is when it gets hard, staying clean. I do not mean this to sound harsh it is just I had been where you are thinking nothing works. I thought I would die a addict. I found I had to change the way I think The way I viewed my addition... all addicts have been sick before that is why we fear the wd. we have many tips on getting thru them 5 days really is not that long of intense sickness for years of abuse.. None of this happens thou unless YOU are really ready.. I mean you are the only one that can make it happen You can have all the support in the world.. For instance, You said if your wife holds the pills it is a huge fight. If you were ready, There would be no argument for there is a change inside of us a deep shift. We know when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired we surrendered our will our fight we humble ourselves.. Are you ready to do this ? I sure hope so for I would not want to see you loose another family either.. as far as the Imodium that is addict thinking If I over take this our take this many of that it will help me.. How about lots of water add a sports drink to balance your electrolytes. eat healthy fruits veggies protein If you can not eat drink a protein drink it has lots of good things your  body needs.. get outside and walk as soon as you can force yourself. stay active.. lots of hot showers to help with bone pain rls The walking also helps with this and the anxiety.. There are many tips on getting thru the wd Keep reading reaching for support I really pray you are ready this time and that you get clean and live a Good Healthy life for the alternative is Death.. I wish you well on your journey. lesa

[motye51]

No, i hear ya. I took opiates, then suboxone for a long time and i could not taper!!! Some of us just cant, i chose cold turkey as well. Have you ever looked at the Thomas Taper on this site? If you can get your hands on the vits and minerals in that recipe, this will help. I seems like its made for fast w/d symptoms, meaning drugs that dont have a long half life. Get your *** in bed, drink lots of water and gatorade and just push!!!! We dont think we can do it, but we can! Its going to suck....u know this....but it will get better physically, u know this too. As soon as u can, get your butt into aftercare!!!! Post when u feel like ****....we will be here!

[Gladiator4782]

I hate this! Took some Imodium because I read somewhere it helps with the wd symptoms but to no avail symptoms are here. Depression will set in soon. If not today probably tomm. I can feel it. Pls pray

[Gladiator4782]

Cold turkey. It's the only way I know how because "taper" doesn't wrk even if she has control of them. It ends up in one huge fight

[motye51]

When u say kick, do u mean your going to go xold turkey tonight? R u going to start tapering?
My opinion, addiction is addiction, no matter what its to, i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, anything. I am going to assume she is an alcoholic that still drinks? Drugs and alcohol effect us differently b/c were addicts, not b/c of the substances.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum.....glad you are ready to quit and open to learning how to STAY clean.....that's the first step.

It may really benefit you to learn all you can about addiction. The only difference in alcohol addiction and opiate addiction is the substance itself.  The patterns are identical....and so are the recovery programs.

Here are two links that may broaden your understanding of addiction....and may help your wife as well.  The first link has 6 headings when you open it; each heading will open many articles and short videos on the r.h. side of each page.  There is a WEALTH of information here:

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/

The last one is a very long video....but a GRAND one.  The man speaking (after the intro) is a recovery addict himself and has devoted his life to helping others understand addiction and the brain chemistry of addicts.
He is funny and factual......I really enjoyed watching this as well as learned a WHOLE lot I wasn't aware of.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE

[Gladiator4782]

My wife does know and she does know about rehab. She is also an alcoholic and has been to rehab for it aswell. She doesn't think our addictions can be compared. But she is on board. Tonight will be the first night of "kick"

[Jinx_777]

intense cognitive behavioral therapy

find a NA meeting that touches you or you really like.  you have tried in the past, but if it didn't help then it wasn't 'the one' for you

don't stop until you find something that works.  strongly recommend the first tip

[motye51]

I read your post and I can totally relate b/c when your taking that many it is hard to quit.  Just a couple of questions if you don't mind.  Does your wife know that you take these? Does she know you've been to rehab?  
When your ready, you will know.  I believe, and this is just my opinion, you need to start tapering the hydro's.  Get your wife involved, she can hold you accountable.  Give her the pills and ya'll work on a taper plan over the course of the next couple of weeks.  This part is going to be the actual work, YOU MUST WORK A GENUINE AFTERCARE!!!!!  I know you know this!  Someone once told me, yeah, the w/d is hard, but the HARD work is trying to stay clean.  I can't believe you gave N/A you everything....again, my opinion. But all of us know that "it works, IF YOU WORK IT" !!!!!  Just meetings is NOT going to keep you clean.  I have been in N/A now for almost 9 months, and I'm STILL working on step 1.  This is not a race....go slow and steady!  It will work!

[Gladiator4782]

Am I sick and tired? I've thought I was before but i here i am again. I can't trust myself these days. I want to be completely done, and not ever go back. I know the twelve steps have worked for others but it hasn't yet for me. Of course I most likely didn't put my all into it. I have a family this time and my wife doesn't believe or understand them.

[jifmoc]

Hi, well you sound like you are very aware of your addiction. Gotta ask a pointed question: are you totally beyond sick and tired of this life? Are you willing to do anything that people tell you to do? That means, if you go back to meetings...doing everything your sponsor/others in program tell you to do?