Detoxing Alone - Part 1 "The whole story"

[Detox_Damsel]

First I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who responded to my post. And a shout out to "GottaQuit" for making me feel so welcome. This is going to be a really long post. I just think you all need to know 'all the facts' so to speak, to understand what's going on. Since my post is so long it exceeds the limit, I will have to post it in 2 or 3 parts.

Due to a string of tragic circumstances, I am TOTALLY ALONE. No living friends, no family whatsoever. I live in Canada and my former Doctor (a she) is by no means an idiot. She is so well known she's number one in bloody Google and even has a award winning video out! She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. I'm her 'dirty little secret', and she waited until I was completely alone, knowing full well that I am agoraphobic, and used her illness as a way to 'sweep me under the rug'. She thinks I'm a spineless idiot. She couldn't be more wrong. I'm a fighter...if I wasn't there's NO WAY I would go threw this hell when I have enough medication to kill myself...along with 20 other people. Yes, I think of suicide and even wish that I would just die in my sleep so this would be over, but I am not capable of suicide. I don't know why...I just can't do it. If I was capable, I would have done so many years ago.

I am not a mean spirited person, and have sent my doctor 2 polite emails asking only for a referral to a doctor...not begging for pills. She didn't even bother to reply to either of them, but always did when I asked for pills prior to being 'dismissed''. It is only to save others from ending up like me that I will be filing a formal complaint to the College Of Physicians and Surgeons, which I guess to any Americans is like filing a complaint with the Surgeon Generals office, (also submitting a printout listing from my pharmacy of everything she had me on, dosages, and when they were delivered at the time she dismissed me, as well as a 2 year history of what I have been taking)  AND write down the whole ordeal in the 'patients comments' section of her Google listing. But that will have to wait. For now, I really have to focus on my own health issues. I'll deal with her when my brain isn't in shock (LOL).

Going to the ER/Hospital is TOTALLY out of the question. The only phobia I have that trumps hospitals or clinics of any sort....is needles. My fear was so bad, my former Doctor used to have to hide them before I came into her office. Perhaps the fact that I've never been in a hospital without being told I had terminal Cancer of (fill in the body part) and (fill in the months) to live has something to do with the hospital phobia. And you don't want to hear the horror stories about what happened the few times I had a blood test (seriously).

I am living on disability due to various health & mental problems:
hypothyroidism
fibromyalgia
arthritis
insomnia (since birth)...really.
severe panic attacks (often when nothing is wrong). I could be watching TV in a good mood, then WHAM! I'm gasping for air and can't stand up.
agoraphobia
claustrophobia
due to a series of horrifying events, can not take any form of public transportation. Just taxi's.
scoliosis
foot problems.....and of course:
depression (big surprise) I'm being sarcastic...I have a quirky sense of humor that doesn't always translate well in typing, so I thought you should know that too.

I went to a walk in clinic a few blocks away on day 3 of detox (I'm sure some of you can imagine how wonderful I felt...Yikes!, filled out a form (listing 911 as who to call in case of an emergency) which I thought was kind of funny in a tragic way (I have to be able to find the humor in life's obstacles to keep going) waited 2 1/2 hours,  saw a  stone  faced male doctor who asked me what prescriptions I was taking, I pulled out the large tin box I keep them all in, he didn't even lift a single pill bottle, pushed the tin towards me and said "Sorry, I can't help you. Go to the hospital" and wasn't interested in hearing why I can't, or the fact that I can't even call 911, as the past 7 times I've had to call either the police and/or ambulance, they found pressing 5 buttons on the intercom too complicated, so I had to leave the injured person, and run down 3 flights of stairs to let them in. So unless I can call 911, and sit outside waiting for them, I'm screwed. And if I am in good enough condition to run down the stairs and wait for them outside, I wouldn't need them. So that's a catch 22 situation. And due to my building being sold to a scum lord, I am the only 'original resident' and the only other person I met was completely nuts.

I'll spare you all the long, complex story of my pet cat Spike and only say, he has never been apart from me for even a day. He goes mental and starts crying if I'm gone for more than a few hours (which can be heard by people in other apartments), and has this uncanny ability of knowing when someone is a good soul or bad news....instantly. He is very people friendly, but if he thinks you are bad for me....he will leap on your face (before you can even get in my door), bite and scratch you, then sit in front of me in attack mode growling. The super scary part is that he has only done it twice (he's 5 years old), and both times he maimed the people so fast, their brain didn't even have enough time to send a signal to their body to put up their hands to defend themselves until he was done!!! And in both cases he was spot on about the people being VERY bad. I can't afford to hire someone to care for him, I already tried putting up a sign in my building offering 30 dollars just to feed him and clean out his litter box once a week, and not one person responded.

continued in part 2.....

[Detox_Damsel]

I'll spare you all the long, complex story of my pet cat Spike and only say, he has never been apart from me for even a day. He goes mental and starts crying if I'm gone for more than a few hours (which can be heard by people in other apartments), and has this uncanny ability of knowing when someone is a good soul or bad news....instantly. He is very people friendly, but if he thinks you are bad for me....he will leap on your face (before you can even get in my door), bite and scratch you, then sit in front of me in attack mode growling. The super scary part is that he has only done it twice (he's 5 years old), and both times he maimed the people so fast, their brain didn't even have enough time to send a signal to their body to put up their hands to defend themselves until he was done!!! And in both cases he was spot on about the people being VERY bad. I can't afford to hire someone to care for him, I already tried putting up a sign in my building offering 30 dollars just to feed him and clean out his litter box once a week, and not one person responded.

I noticed that a few of you said how important it was to not lie to doctors. This may sound like a stupid question, but why would I lie to a doctor? I mean, how can they help you if you don't tell them the truth? And that brings us to the next part (are you having fun yet?)  all the drugs my former doctor put me on (many of which I have been addicted to for over a decade) , the strength and her recommended daily dosage. Here goes....

Valium 10 mg - 6 a day
Mogadon 10 mg - 4 a day (sleeping pill)
Percocet/Oxyconone 5 mg, 325 mg - 6 a day
Morphine 30 mg - 4 a day
Morphine 60 mg - 3 a day
Dantrium 25 mg - 8 a day
Remeron - 100 mg - 2 a day
Wellbutrin - 150 mg - 2 a day
Quetiapine (Seraquel (sp) - 100 mg - 2 a day
Quetiapine - 25 mg - 2 a day
Senokot  8.6 mg - 2 a day
Diclofenac - 75 mg - 2 a day
Clonidine 0.1 mg - 1/2 to 1 a day
Synthroid 0.88 mg - 1 a day

That's 45 pills...a DAY!!!

I've called close to 15 different numbers for clinics or places that help you find doctors, but every time I call, one of 3 things happen...they either tell me to check into some clinic (which, as I explained, I can't do) or give me another number to call, or tell me to ask my doctor for a referral. I think I may have finally found a number that can actually recommend a doctor, but I end up on hold every time I call, followed by a busy signal after 20 minutes have passed. So I'll keep trying. I realize that I can't do this all by myself, and as I have some serious issues that need medical attention, I will need to be referred to 1 general physician and 3 specialists.

But I think I am going to have an almost impossible time trying to get a doctor to treat me without giving them blood tests. I have worked hard to try and overcome my various phobias. Oddly enough the last time I saw my doctor, I let her, for the only time in the history of our association, give me 4 injections in my back. Yes I was on tranquilizers, but since I can't even leave my place and travel that far without being tranquilized, I used it to my advantage. I didn't freak out...but my doctor looked like she was going to go into shock when she realized I was really going to let her do it. I couldn't believe I made such a big deal over nothing and said I wanted to start working on my blood test phobia. She agreed to try and get me those rubber bands they put on your arm (which instantly trigger both a panic attack and a claustrophobic episode.) That alone should have been a giant clue that now was not the time to dump me as a patient. But I can't do everything alone, and right now, I can't even watch my TV because they keep showing people getting needles and I have a panic attack. So giving a blood test now? Honestly? I would either have to be unconscious or so incredibly bombed on tranquilizers I wouldn't even be able to stand up.

And last but not least, my body doesn't react to medication the way it effects the average person. No amount of morphine and/or percocet can make me feel even slightly 'high'. They alleviate my pain the same way Tylenol or Aspirin do for the average person. Valium makes me sleepy, and my sleeping pill Mogadon, acts as an effective tranquilizer, anti depressant, are the only thing that can stop my panic attacks, and makes me feel 'normal' enough to be able to leave my place and actually accomplish things. I honestly don't know how I am going to deal with not having them, even though I don't take them every day. I've been taking them for about 1/3 of my life!

Okay, I think I've answered every question and given you all a clear understanding of the situation I'm in. If you managed to read all this you should win some kind of medal.:-) Thanks again for all of your support and friendship.

[twolve]

I feel for you and I really want to try and get you whatever it is you are looking for, but I am not really sure I understand what your question is? I dont understand how a doctor could have you on all those medications...one doctor really prescribed all of that? What doesnt make sense is why he would prescribe you 30 mg morphine and 60 mg morphine. That was the one clue that made me think maybe you got them from different doctors? I am not accusing you of anything at all, I just really dont know. What was your doctors reasoning for cutting you loose, I seemed to miss that as well. Try and just explain your situation a little more cut and dry. I can tell you are an interesting indiviudal who likes to throw humor in there, but honestly you made it very difficult for us as readers to understand because you were all over the place with different punctuation and parenthesis.I am here to try and help you I promise, I just need to understand a little better, and everyone else on here is so amazingly helpful too and they will help you as well but I am thinking they may need u to clarify..

P.S. I know you love your cat, but your life is whats most important and if you need to get help then your cat needs to take a backseat. I love animals and I have a dog who is my very best friend. But you come first, ok?

[SuzzQ]

Wow.. 45 pills.  I am pretty much alone too.. I live alone.. btw, I love your cat!!!!  I have a cat too, but she is very different from yours.  I am new on here.  I don't know what you should do, aside from not giving up and keep looking for some kind of program.  The pills you need to take, you need to take, I would say.  This is just my opinion.  If the vicodin doesn't work anymore, you need to quit it.  That's what I am doing.  This is my 4th day.  I am sick.. I am tapering down.. I've only taken 1/2 norco today, and no klonapin.  I wish you luck and will be following your reports..  Usually, I would have taken 3 whole ones by now, so I feel I am doing well... aside from being sick.. also, your story is very well done.. or told..

[twolve]

Good for you on only take a half today...keep going...i really wish you good luck.  I hope I can continue to have strength, I have to work on Monday which I am scared to death for because today is only Day 2 for me. Uhhhh....

[ZJILLIAN]

Actually I think the relationship with your cat should be in the front seat. It is the most joyful thing in your life. It is a beautiful relationship of what seems to be mutual understanding and trust. Hold on to that. Treasure that. Also you are a wonderful writer. I mean that. Treasure that as well.

What else would you like to add?
Do these drugs work for you?
Is there something you want to change about your medications?

[Detox_Damsel]

My 2 part post was a response to the questions I was asked based on my 1st post, which I made yesterday called "Detoxing Alone". Before I make another post, I think you all should read it as it will answer some questions and includes questions. Then, ask me questions, and I'll ask some more questions later. I hope that's okay. Just trying to spare you more reading *wink*

[scaredmom330]

I also am on alot of pills for various pain. I have a wonderful doctor, what I can't understand is why did your doctor cut you lose? did she give you a month worth of meds until you can find another doctor? I am so sorry you are going through this alone, just know we are here to support you in any way we can.

[Charetti]

I have heard of docs cutting patients off because they do not believe they can help that person and dont want to be held responsible for them.  They find it hard to believe you actually need all those meds but will perscribe them anyway to get the patient out of their office.  Stinks, I know, but it happens.

I also have a friend that cant seem to tolerate ANY meds except for xanax.  I go back and forth believing her cuase it seems so weird.  On the other hand why would anyone choose such a life.

Your illnesses are complex for sure and I dont have answers, but I stand by my earlier answer..keep calling anyone to find some help.  I agree with twolve when they ask what your question is exactly.  Do you want off all those pills?  Do you just want another doc to give you the same pills?  Do you want your life to change or back to status quo?

But I know one thing for sure...you deserve to live, and live with some peace of mind and body.  I am glad to have read your story on here, you are clearly a good person who can make jokes when you are down.  That is an amazing gift, so dont stop fighting for your rights.

God bless and good luck

[kolo13]

And when the broken-hearted people living in this world agree. There will be an answer..

[TrayCee]

wait...you still didnt say why you were discharged.

[dochollywood]

let it be...well let's face it, Lennon was an addict too.  Genius, brilliant addict

[kolo13]

Yeah doc, I wonder about the effect of so many of my heroes being addicts.

[GottaQuit]

I think about that all the time ... I KNOW my heros helped influence the choices I have made and how I chose to live my life ... but at the end of the day, I have only me to blame ... and so it goes...

[kolo13]

And to bring this back around to detox damsel, it wasn't just our heroes. I thought the character on SNL who had a purse full of pharmaceuticals was hilarious. But this precious  girl really was prescribed a shopping bag full of pills, and then to pile on an incredibly complex set of phobias, well where can she turn to?  And the line " my body doesn't react to medication the way it effects the average person" totally cracked me up, I mean, how would you know. I don't mean to poke fun at your expense detoxdamsel. It seemed that you saw the humor in your tragic situation as well. Almost any avenue for help you might turn to is blocked by a phobia. It almost begins to read like a vaudeville routine. I do wish you the best though, and I hope you will continue to post, you don't have an internet phobia, right? Good luck.

[keekee57]

Dang!!!!! I thought I was an addict, but isnt this disease powerful,baffling and cunning. My suggestion is to quit worrying about  doc's as they all have you on the list, so I would with all sincerity recommend that you go to an AA meeting or NA meeting. You have to take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I ruined everything and burned all bridges and I am living proof that my body does not require all the prescriptions that I manipulated docs for. I am as well a great innocent looking manipulator and lier. I am man enough to admit that, but most important is that I am an ADDICT!!!! Once you get past all the med stuff, admit it to yourself and go to a meeting and get a sponser..... Life is good being alone....