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Do addicts have feelings?
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Do addicts have feelings?

This may sound like a stupid question but do addicts have feelings of love and do they hurt after a breakup? My now ex was a 3-month heroin addict and after a brief rehab stint, she got cleaned but I discovered that while she dropped the needle and her heroin habit, she is back on another opiate (pills that she gets from a dealer that works at a drugstore). She uses the prescribed suboxone to temporarily stave off the withdrawals. I didn't end the relationship because of her drug use specifically but because she was adamant that she stopped while I have valid proofs that she still get pills from this guy.
As I am madly in love with her, I still secretely hope that someday, she'll clean up her acts, admit to everything and come back in my arms. I have reluctantly turned the page but her once a day texts to reminding me how much she loves me and misses me are making the situation alot tougher to discard and forget. (but I am hanging tough as I don't want to enable her). I have learned that the drug addict only has one love and it's the drug he/she is on. Does that mean her love you/miss you comments are another lie? While the drug may be one of her primary priorities, I know for a fact she is hoplessly in love with her baby daughter. Could anyone provide some insight on an addict's feelings for others. I do understand that I may never be back with this girl unless she magically changes but I am interested in knowing if there is any hope in the future.
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43 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there!

To answer your question about addicts having feelings...Yes...we have feelings, but they are numbed with the drugs.  Until she is off drugs, you can count on her numbing out any feelings with the pills.   Fear, love, affection, sadness etc are all numbed with opiates, in my opinion.  I have done it a lot.  Not even a death of someone VERY close to me a few years ago could touch me when I was using.  Thing is...when she DOES stop pills, those numbed feelings will come back!  She is capable of loving you right now, but the pain of the break up is being numbed, see?
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199177_tn?1332183097
Not when were using we doesnt .It does mean she doesnt love you she just loves her drugs more .She is only going to stop when she is ready .I would move on putting your life on hold is not healthy for you ...You will have to see what happen but i would move on.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with the above.  I think we have so many feelings and they are out of control so we numb them I did that with every fight with a boyfriend I took more to calm down and not feel the hurt and I did this for ten years with opiates.  
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271792_tn?1334983257
I hear your pain and I am sorry you are going through this. It is not easy to love an addict.

Yes, we do feel. We feel a lot of feelings and so often that is our problem. For whatever reason (and there are many), we don't have the tools to deal with our feelings and that is why we turn to drugs. When we are high we don't have to feel.

I am sure that she loves you but you know well enough you are not first in her life and will not be until she finds recovery. She not only needs to put the drugs down, she needs to get to the issues that are causing her to use in the first place.

I am not sure you are the one to try and help her do this. I will suggest that you find help for yourself at this point. Find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in your area and go. Listen to the people who are going through the same thing that you are.

I wish you the best and hope you can get on with your life. Post any time you have questions. Take care of yourself.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for the responses. I have moved on and it's the hardest thing to do. I have been in several relationships in the past that didn't end well but a failed relationship with an addict is alot tougher to manage because you know someone you love isn't better without you and is destroying their lives. I just wish I could totally forget about her till she gets totally cleaned up and comes back to me (if that ever happens). But she is very clever and sends me calculated text messages to ensure I am still there. She told me she doesn't want me to fall away from her, which is why she finds every excuse in the book to contact me.
IF she ever decides to sober up, will she immediately regain her feelings for me or will she have to work on them all over again?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey~  I'm sure she loves you. She loves her child, also.  But,she's put her life and both of you at risk because of her love of drugs.  It's part of the disease. Addicts can rationalize anything!!  It's a sad situation...she needs to get help and get clean. Nothing
will work in her life until she does that...  She has feelings but her strongest feelings are for that "high"...it's how it is...
Be strong~
V.
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199177_tn?1332183097
I have know idea what here feelings may be when she gets off the drugs we thats hard to answer and to be honest an addict is better off waiting a year after they have stoped using to get into a relationship.They need to be focusing all there engery into there recovery .So thats a long time for you to wait but that really what she would need .
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hun, You haven't moved on. You are still excepting her text messages and still questioning her feelings. None of us can tell you how she will feel. We can only tell you what she needs to do to get and stay clean.

I know you are hurting and it is very sad. If you really want to move on and get on with your life (you are young), then get a new cell phone number, etc. Let her know you are not there for her every need.

You spoke earlier about how you don't want to enable her but you still are by being there and you are hurting yourself in the meantime. You are questioning her every move and thing that she says and trying to interpret it. You are going to drive yourself crazy.

I hope that you get the help you need to really move on. You seem like such a nice person. Best of luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
You are right, I should have said, I am trying to move on. It's only been a few weeks and it's still driving me nuts. I'm still checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if she texted, I am still looking forward to her "sweet" comments, I still have trouble sleeping wondering what she is up to, I am consistently wondering where she gets all that money to get high (this is the toughest), I am still hoping she is still in love with me. The only thing I have done is break up the relationship and I am just miserable but I won't flinch. I have no way of changing my number as I have a work phone (she knows where I work so she can find me if she chooses to and get my new number even if my company agreed to it). We still have some common matters to finish and while they aren't important and don't have an immediate timeline, she makes it seem like the most critical and time sensitive things to do just so she can see me. As hard as it hurts for me to even type this, I do wanna cut her off for good but she knows exactly what to do to keep me "close" and she is succeeding. You are right, I am driving myself crazy. I know love can't be controlled but I am consistently asking myself why I let it get this far.
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900459_tn?1304996859
Yes we def do have feeling but like the others said we are just numbed and some things dont hurt us as much as they normaly would but for me i can also say some things that normally wouldnt really bother me make me feel terrible i know for me i was always so depressed and hated myself so much knowing what i was doing to my family and girlfriend it hurt me so much to see them worrying about me and not being able to help me and them crying about my problem and yet i would still use because at the end of the day i would tell myself that i do need the medicine for whatever reason and i was doing it for a good reason when i really wasnt but every day i would cry sometime because i hated what i was putting my family and girlfriend thru every day but just could not stop without help and not a little over two months clean i am so much happier and feel so much better because my feelings are back to normal again and everyone is so proud of me for beating my addiction
sorry that was so long for just a yes or no question to i just go into it and felt i needed to say all that to explain why i say yes :)

ABritt
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271792_tn?1334983257
You keep going forward and take care of YOU.

Keep posting anytime you need to.
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1253584_tn?1332881554
Hi I remember ur story very well my heart wen out to u and ur situation... U need to take car of urself...she isn't going to get better until she wants to or until she hits rck bottom.... Ur doing the right thing by staying away for now... Just keep staying strong!!!! If u need someone to talk to Or just to vent u have this site... U will be surprised how much it helps....and how better u will feel afterwards... Good luck with everything...
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495284_tn?1333897642
You need to let go of her and move on with your life.  She is your drug~~~~~sara
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1253584_tn?1332881554
I agree with dominosarah
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1202033_tn?1273774954
Yes, of all these comments I believe Sara is right. It sounds as if you have an addiction as well. You both need some help for yourselves to get well again. Get to an al-anon meeting or even see a therapist. Until each of you battle your demons neither one of you will be good for the other.

Best of luck to you.

Jacky
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Avatar_f_tn
Even if she stops drugs, she won't need to be focusing on a relationship.  She will need to focus on detox and aftercare in order to live clean.  So rather she is on drugs or not, you need to move on and try to go on with your life!

Best Wishes to you!

TH
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Avatar_m_tn
Well, friends. This story is getting more interesting and sadder by the day. I just learned that she was arrested yesterday and immediately checked the online crime registry and she was charged with 4 offenses. Possesion of dangerous substance with intent to distribute being the most severe. Another one is possession of drug paraphenelia. You wonder why such an innocent 21-year old resort to this but we all know the answer. Now I know why she was pleading with me to be with her and why she urged me not to drop her when she needed me most. According to the website, they already set a court date for July, does that mean, she was just given a court date and let go or will they keep her till the court date? (If they give her bail, I doubt someone bailed her out).
I spent the past hour just sobbing but I am relieved as this may be (a big maybe) her way out of that lifestyle. But I am disappointed that I didn't receive a phone call. She probably thinks I wouldn't find out.
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1253584_tn?1332881554
Like I said in my post above shehas to hit rock bottom in order for her to start thinking differently. This could quit possibly be the best thing happens to her. Even though it doesn't seem like it now. She will have no choice but to get clean in prison if she has to stay til her court date. U have been doing a great job being strong I k ow it's hard but it'll probally pay off for u. As far as y shed do it? When r addicted to drugs nothing else matters! The only thng that matters is getting r next fix. So it doesn't matter at the time how we r gong to get the drugs or what we have to do to get the drugs as long as we get them! I hope she gets better. Good hearing from u and good luck
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199177_tn?1332183097
Whether you were with her or not this most likely would have happened .The only thing that would have changed this is if she had gotten herself into recoverycare .Its hard to tell what will happen now but i will tell you if she has an intenet to sell charge she is looking at jail time ... Its very sad but some of us have to hit a very hard bottom.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am not questioning myself on leaving her especially considering she wouldn't admit to relapsing. It was the right thing to do and I am actually glad I found the strength not to see her. I think she will be looking at jail time as well. Her baby daughter will be the one suffering through this unfortunately.
I hope that this will be her rock bottom...
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Avatar_m_tn
Yes addicts have feelings. I love my wife so much that after i got clean my feelings were all over the place I blamed myself for my wifes addiction even to this day i keep thinking that i should not have given my wife drugs so yes we all have feelings feelings of love guilt remorse . Feelings showthemselfes in many different forms but every one has them ,,,,James
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935907_tn?1296073436
Hi ut, Everyone has feelings, but as an addict progresses into their addiction feelings have a tendency to be subdued or hidden. I noticed or realized that during my many years of active addiction that my real feelings disappeared in time and really didn't surface when needed. Now going on 6 months of abstinence I realize that my feelings are coming back stronger than ever. I am more sensitive than ever and whenever I talk about the horrors of my addiction and the harm that was brought on, I cry rather easily, but its good. They were trapped and arrested feelings that needed to come up to the surface. Now I can say that my true and real feelings are coming out of the closet. God Bless, mike in nc
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Avatar_m_tn
After 2 days in jail, her parents bailed her out. I was actually hoping they wouldn't so she wouldn't have no choice but to detox in jail. I am sure the first thing she will be doing is getting her fix now. I am also starting to wonder if they are enabling her since they knew it was either jail or death!
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Avatar_m_tn
I just want to keep everyone posted on this situation. After she was bailed out, she spent 2 days at the hospital so they would help her deal with the withdrawals. After she left the hospital, she stayed clean for exactly 4 days and went back to using again. Only this time, she is doing it heavier than she ever did. She continues to deny everything althoug we are just friends. She isn't comfortable with the "friends" label and keep urging me to reconsider, which I adamantly refuse to. Her text messages are getting weirder and longer. She sends them throughout the day but mostly after midnight. She keeps repeating how much she loves me, how much she is grateful that we met, how she is blessed that she has me and keep urging me not to sleep with anyone else now that we are friends. Her trial is in a couple of months and she should be getting a couple of months of jail time.
I have lost total respect for her parents as they are master enablers.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi~  How are YOU doing?   Are you okay continuing a relationship with this girl?

V.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey, thanks for asking. I am doing alot better. I have accepted her as a friend so it's not really a romantic relationship anymore. I am still very much in love with her so it's still hard to deal with it all but it's easier now that she isn't "my girl".
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495284_tn?1333897642
I am glad you have stepped back a bit........I hope she will get the help that she needs.   sara
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1253584_tn?1332881554
U have been thru alot. It seems like u r doing the right thing by stepping back. She really needs some serious help. It sounds to me, from what ur saying,  that she worst then ever with her drug use and addiction. It seems like nothing can stop her.  I remember when I was like that. But for me being like that, it opened my eyes and made me realize that I needed some kind of help. That's when i started to get help. And get my life back togeather. From what I remember didn't u say she was taking suboxone? That didn't work for her? That's what I'm tappering from and it works great for me. I really wish it would have worked good for her . Y did she stop taking it? I hope things get better for her. Keeps is posted
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Avatar_m_tn
She does need help. She was taking suboxone but said she no longer needs it as she is "fine now". Remember, she is still denying her drug use as obvious as it is. Her mom found some dope in her purse and she told her that it was old from the time she was using. She doesn't understand that it so obvious that she is using. I quit questioning her when we meet occasionally. We just talk about work, sports...
I don't think she realizes how bad of a situation she is in. I heard alot about the rock bottom theory before an addict finally decides to stop. If it is a valid theory, I believe that her rock bottom is years away since everything is coming so easy to her: loving parents providing her with good food and shelter, taking care of her daughter, providing her with a cell phone, fixing a broken down car for her.... Also, the strip club owner calls and urges her to come by for shifts as she is apparently a big draw. While I know she doesn't like doing it, I believe that's where she gets her money (she has a $100/day habit). All she has to do is go there for a couple of hours shift and leave with $200.
As for me, I have felt great since not being burdened by the relationship. Of course it still hurts to see her destroy her life at such a young age but at least she isn't my girl, fiancee or wife. I have never been the selfish type but obviously, I couldn't handle being with her so acting selfish was the only way to be.
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