Do you want to be my De-tox friend?

[intothedarkagain]

Hi everyone,
I am not sure I am a fluke or what. I have a very special habit. For the last few months I am experienced what I would call a total downward spiral. My dose was about 300-500mg of oxy snorted daily. More if I could get my hands on it.
That’s how much it took to feel normal. I haven’t got a buzz in months. I am trying to fight the dragon. Needless to say I have a problem. I doze out in public, with friends; I have run out of excuses. I fell asleep and crashed my car. I have officially become a danger to the community.
I have de-toxed 37 times in the last 10 years. Each one of them hold a special place of misery in my heart. Yesterday I started my 38th time.
Every time it feels worse than it did before. I feel like am going to die. I am afraid to seek help because what it would do to my reputation. Not that falling asleep in public doesn’t get the whole thing away.
Does someone want to be my de-tox friend? That is what I need right now.
I feel like I am going to die.

Sincerely,
quickdraw from oregon

[gizzy32]

You did it! I hope this is the last time you have to go through w/d's. What has caused you all these relapses in the past? Seeking help is very difficult, it took me a long time too, but that is what it takes. It takes accepting we are powerless and with a recovery plan and some type of aftercare we no longer have to live this way. Just wanted to welcome you again, many here are in the same shoes as you. What are you willing to do to get and stay clean?

P.S. If you look in the top right, you will see health pages and in there you will find the thomas recipe which can help ease w/d's. There is also the amino protocol. Good luck.

[bucksfan]

Hey Bud, I am 5 days clean. I was taking 40mg of Codone a day at only 5mg doses. In 4 years I have quit about 8 times never lasting more than a few weeks. My Physical WD's are never that bad because of the low amount I take so my battle is MENTAL. I will be posting here daily for as long as I can. I will be more than happy to talk to you. goodluck. There are better days ahead my friend please trust me even though it does not seem feasible at the moment.
Bucksfan

[intothedarkagain]

I have a strange situation in the fact I don't have to pay for the drugs.

I have chronic pancreatitis. It is just terrible, but it is intermittent. Well I am sick, I am really sick.
The problem came in the form of really good insurance, and a loose writing doctor. He would write me a script for however many I wanted. I didn’t have to pay anything, what a losing combination…right? My average was about 100-200 30mg pills a month. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but I would end of using all of them in about 2 weeks. After that point I was off to the streets to find more. I would spend all of my money. Sometimes I could stay on that cycle for months, without being straight. Every once and a while, things fall through and I get to visit Detox.
The only person who really knows the score is my girlfriend, but she is gone now. She got tired of the empty promises.
Now I am left to myself, which hasn’t proven too good. I have no one I need to impress with my sobriety. I go ape crazy, it’s like I have no limiter or something. I take more and more and more, until I pass out. I am chasing something but I just can’t quite get it. Right now I feel like hell. Really I am sure you know what I mean….right?
Quickdraw    

[intothedarkagain]

Thank you so much.
It is so nice to be able to talk to someone who has felt the same way.
What were your reasons for quiting?

quickdraw

[discretekarma]

I know how you feel. I've been dealing with something similar. I hurt my back at work. I've been on Oxy, Opana, Kadian, and whatever else.  Workers Comp paid for it all.  Nothing out of my pocket. I've also crushed them all and put them up my nose.  I'm trying to stop so I don't lose my wife. It's hard since I still need them for my back.  I know how you feel though. I also think that detox/withdrawal is the worst.  Feel free to send me a message if you want.  Where are you from?  Let me know how you feel. Keep posting. It really helps.  

[illadelphia984]

Today's my first day clean, and I'd love to be your detox friend. :)  I'm an opiate lover: everything from vicodin to oxycontin. Lately it's been percocet and vicodin. I, too, feel pretty bad today, but just remember that it's only temporary. "This, too, shall pass" is a bit cliche, but it's absolutely true.

Given the amount you were consuming, I'm guessing you're going to go to an actual detox facility. Is that right? I'm going C/T and it blows. Luckily (not really), I'm prescribed 2mg of xanax er 4x a day, so that's been helping a bit with the jitters. I just can't shake the chills. I've been cold all day, but I'm trying to hang in there. I wish you the best, and I'll be sure to pop in often to see how you are. :)

-Christine

[bucksfan]

My reasons...geez which one. This time I am being selfish. I am not quitting for anyone but myself. I want that feeling of loving and living life vs being a couch zombie. I am starting a new career and I am still in my mid 20's. I want nothing more than to be a succesful business professional making lots of monies, having a family and seeing my father and mother being proud. Not that they arent already b/c I am succesful now but not as much as I could be. My whole life I failed to reach my potential. I blew a guarenteed sports career to hang out with friends and party. I blew college (and I am very smart) because of a girl. I WILL NOT BLOW ANYTHING BECUASE OF THIS HABIT. I vowed from Saturday forward that I will no longer have regrets on choices I have made. I will fully believe in each decision I make and follow through with it! I believe the real happiness in life is when you realize that living is really  a gift. Just live your life man, go out do things you never thought you could. Remember we get 1 shot at this, lets make the best of it and pill does not allow that to happen. Think of being at peace and smiling at a sunset or a rising tide, or catching a bass, hitting a good golf shot or seeing a loved one smile every time you crave. It will bring tears to  your eyes yet it will take the craving away. I believe the world has it wrong. We are not the weak ones! We are the strong ones b/c we stepped into hell, yes we got banged up, yes we have scars but my friends we walked out of HELL on our own 2 feet. We beat adversity back. We beat the odds. From this experience you will build character, show a testament of your will power and make you believe you can accomplish anything. Yes my friends we are the strong ones not the weak ones! I would gladly have a addict who fought and recovered by my side than someone who has never seen the like of HELL>

[intothedarkagain]

Nope. No Detox center for me.
I can’t do that, if I do then everyone will know.
This is the main reason I need a Detox friend.
It would please me to avail to be your detox friend.
Here we go into day one.
How are you feeling?
Do you feel anywhere near as bad as I do?
I feel like I am going to die.
I can’t sit still.
Swear.
Imodium (immodium)-AD.
You know how it goes.

Quickdraw

[intothedarkagain]

Yes you are right.
I couldn't have said it better myself.

My parents know something is up. Everyone does, they just can't put their finger on it.
By all accounts I am a successful person. I am in graduate school.

It is all a lie. I am in a wreck, and it is all I can do to put up the proper face.
I should quit for myself.
The only probelm is I am in the middle of WD right now.
The only thing I am thinking it how I can stop from feeling so bad.
Aside from thinking nice thoughts do you know of anything that isn't another vice that helps.
It there anything?
Sincerely,
Quick draw

[illadelphia984]

So what are your plans on detoxing? Are you going cold turkey like me, or are you doing a taper?

I'm feeling better now than I was earlier. I'm at work right now; this morning was okay to start with, but then the cravings started coming, and they kept getting worse until my mind was consumed with the thought of "just one more time..." I even picked up my phone to call my dealer, but put it back down because I can't do this anymore. I've been an addict since I was 18, tried oxys when I was 20, and now here I am, 24, and still struggling with the same problem. Bucksfan hit it dead on: we only get one chance at life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. If we don't get clean now, when will we? We're blessed to even be alive. Every single one of us.

And Bucksfan: Your post almost brought me to tears. I remember my last time trying to get clean, and I was starting to have that clarity that you speak of: just being happy to enjoy nature, enjoy my family, enjoy BREATHING. We're going to get there, Quickdraw.

[intothedarkagain]

Wasn't that a great post Christine? I thought the reason it almost brought me to tears was because I was emotional. Now I know it was just good writing.

My plan: Cold Turkey.....

Does it suck: Yes

Was it a choice: No

I know that is not the right way to enter into a period of sobriety, but I make my best choices when I am WD. I hate feeling this way. I hate it so much I don’t ever want to feel it again, but for some strange reason every time I get clean, I feel so good I want to get high again.
I do have only one weapon in this fight against serious WD, a four day weekend and pot.
I am not sure if taking time off was a good idea, because sitting around is such a drag and it almost makes it worse, but I knew I couldn’t fake being cool doing what I do, so I called in sick.
What are you going to do?
How do you feel?

[bucksfan]

Here is what I do:
Workout,Take mulit Vitamin, Take Amino Acid, I am ADHD so I take my Adderoll,Eat Healthy, Get an Ipod hooked up with motivational, inspirational music. Take hot showers and take IB Profin for pains and aches. Get good sleep or as much as you can.

[intothedarkagain]

What kind of Amino Acid would you recommend?
What kind of working out do you recommend?
I do usually work out so I don’t want to got hit some iron and be both sore and WDrawing.
Does the vitamin, IB,  and AA really help?
Quickdraw

[bucksfan]

intothedark,

Yes be active! I am my own boss and have a home office. In my office I have LCD TV with 3 gaming systems. That is the root of the evil. When I took pills I would game or watch movies. Its sad cuz I was so active and good at sports, but the pills made me sit there and game game game. GET AWAY FROM ANYTHING YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE USING> GET OUT THE HOUSE! Laying there only makes it worse IMO. With that said the first day for me I couldnt get out of bed. Please get some good music going. Something that makes you want to really beat this. It helps so much. I leave my house once a day and listen to music in the car for an hour while I drive out to the beach and just ride up and down oceanfront roads. It really is amazing how lucky we are and how much beauty we choose not to see or appreciate.

[bucksfan]

I found them to. For the first few days I would suggest walking a mile. That will release natural endorphins as well. Then you can start hitting the weights. BE DETERMINED! Post here, you have no idea the relief you get by typing words to strangers who are fighting the same battle.
Also on the forum page in the bottom right is something called the Thomas Recipe. I believe most use that and it helps, nothing is going to make this easy nor should it. I posted a few days ago I wished my WD's were worse so I would not be tempted so easily. I promise you  on everything dear to me that it does get better. I believe that because of this you will appreciate a sober life more than before you ever took your first pill!

[illadelphia984]

My plans are to get as much support as possible (hence, my signing up here), drink plenty of fluids (I have cranberry juice at home; I hear that helps at cleansing your system), eat healthy (even though I don't really have an appetite now), get some moderate exercise, and smoke pot (that's something I don't think I'll ever stop, but you never know) to ease the WD's. I agree with Bucksfan about the music. Music is one of my greatest passions (I listen, but don't play anything... yet), so that definitely helps me. Sitting around will only lead us back to where we were: active addicts. We have to divert our attention elsewhere, even if that means doing things you wouldn't normally do. Hell, I've been in a fog for so long, I even have to get to know who I really am. Maybe that's a good place to start, huh? ;)

[bucksfan]

Yep, and you know what you might just surprise yourself on who and what type of person you are.

[intothedarkagain]

I am going to take you advice.
I am going to leave the house for a few minutes.
I don't really know were I will go, but at least I will be going somewhere and not just sitting here.

Maybe I will go to the YMCA.
I still have a membership there.

My problem wasn't games, but movies and music.
I play music, so it is really hard to not play the piano without wanted to be high.
Movies are really hard to because I have so many good memories of sitting in front of a big screen and feeling content.
Which is the inverse of how I feel right now.
I need to leave.
Your are right.
I have to go somewere.
I will be back in a little while I hope you are still here when I get back.
In the next few days I am going to keep everyone posted with my progress, I am going to win this.
I have done it in the past, and I can do it again.

Sincerely,
JS

[illadelphia984]

Good on you! I'll be leaving work in about 10 minutes, but keep going strong! You're damn right you can do it again. I sincerely hope you feel better and pray we'll both be able to get some zzz's tonight.

[bucksfan]

Hey Bud, I will be around. I check the site every few hours. WTG get out of the house! Appreciate the beauty.

[Tom7128]

Hey I know how tough detoxing is, I have 7 days clean today after spending 20 years on methadone. Believe me I have thought about giving up many times these last few days, no sleep, I can't stomach any food and when I do I've got to make a mad dash for the toilet and when I get there I don't know if I'm going to go or trow it back up. It also feels like a cement block has settled permanently over my head, having a conversation with someone that goes beyond saying 'hi, I feel like ****' is out of the question right now.

I have one thing going for me and that's the reason why I am going to get through this. I have built a foundation in NA. I have a sponsor and support from other recovering addicts. In my experience this is the best advice I can give you. Go to a meeting and tell people what your going through. If you can ask for help you will get it there. When they say 'one addict helping another is without parallel because only another addict can best understand and help another addict' That is powerful stuff and take it from me, it is true!

They way you wrote about your addiction to oxy's and how you felt at the end, you could of been writing about me. The only difference would be substitute dope for oxy's and you told what it was like for me. On the computer there's a site called intherooms.com which is all for and about addicts seeking recovery. You can do this, just ask for help. I did and that's why I'm going to be alright

[intothedarkagain]

I’m back from my walk. I walked 5 miles to an abandoned park.
As I walked my legs burned and I felt like I was going to puke, but as I got farther and farther from my origin the pain turned to something else. I started thinking about everything I have done to keep this pet addition of mine alive and I was overcome with guilt. This is the first time I have ever talked to anyone about having a problem. It feels nice to have people to talk to.
I understand what you are saying about going to an NA meeting, but I don’t think I can get away with it. I live in a small town, and word travels fast around here. To compound the situation I work in a profession that does not allow situations like this. They wouldn’t understand. So it feels like I am forced to face this alone. I want to go and talk to people in person, but I can’t have this effect my life any more than it already has. As of right now I still have a job and a loving family. I would like to keep both.
With this I am presented a problem. I have said to myself I am going to stay clean a hundred times over the years, but I forget so fast. Every cycle seems to be getting more and more desperate. I don’t know how I am going to live through another one with the way I feel right now. I keep telling myself that it’s a secret, but I am pretty sure the cats out of the bag to the people close around me. I think you are right.
I need to figure out a way to get help.
The cycle cannot continue.
You friend in agony,
JSmith

[bucksfan]

Awesome about the walk, and if you cannot go somewhere then stay here. This can be used as NA. Just log and read posts and post once a day, it helps tremendously. I really feel your pain bud and wish I could do something about it. Just know you are not alone. I am past the worst part but still feeling the effects as well. If it gets real bad please do not hesitate to contact someone close to you. Coming off OC's may differ than coming off of Codone.

[intothedarkagain]

It is so nice to hear from you.
You are right, for some reason reading about other people’s problems makes me feel like not such much of a dumb-***.
I hate who I have become.
This is not how I planned on celebrating turning 30.
What a drag. I keep wanting something to make me feel better, but every time I have ever done that it makes me forget about it so much faster. I think there is almost something more effective about having a terrible WD. I read about in the Permanent Midnight guys book. He said he hated Suboxone because it made it too easy to quit.
I have started to sneeze and cough a whole bunch. My legs hurt. I can’t set still. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep, but every hour I sleep during the day is one I can’t sleep at night.
I tried taking benedryl to sleep, but when I wake up I feel even worse and half asleep.
I want to know where Christine is at this right now.
From past experience I have found you can tell how bad a WD session is going to be by the first few hours, and this one so far feels like a doozey.
How many days are you clean again bucksfan?

Sincerely,
JSmith

[bucksfan]

I am at the start of Day 6. Hang in there focus on freedom, freedom that word takes on so many meanings doesnt it? I used benadryl as well but it didnt help at night. My first 2 nights were hell then the next 2 were better. What I did was made sure I had some good movies and a book. I wouldnt fight the sleep. I felt that it was easier to not try to fall asleep. Let your body teach you a lesson(one I have learned more times than I would like). Something feels different about this time. Maybe it is the offer I have to become a Financial Advisor and the oppotunity it presents to achieve my wildest dreams. Like I said I have failed at so many things and although I am currently a succesful sales rep now I am nowhere close to my potential and the reason was those pills. I also realized my family is getting older and each day I can call and say I love you is a special one. Try that as well. I promise you my west coast friend that it will get better. Please find something you want to achieve, something you really want in life, wheather it be simple smile, enjoying friends company, dancing in the rain(Oregon weather) and fight for that. Never forget that feeling you have once you get pass the physicals and I believe there will not be a 39th time. Also once the first few days pass read about other people just starting there detox and help them as I am helping you. Its cheesy but Pay It Forward. It helps you remember what you went through and also makes you feel good about yourself. Your East Coast Friend
BucksFan

[Holliee]

check your messages on inbox please sent you note and request for friend

[aTtHeEnD]

gizz has actually mentored a lot of us in here. You did do it, you have the WANT to. Stay here post often and read everything, especially gizz. You are not getting one friends, but literally thousands. I am only on day 4, but when you read some of what I wrote to other "This site has saved my life" People here care, have nothing to lose by helping you find your way, being a true friend...understanding. You can do it. We are all here for you. Keep reading!

[jt808]

hey man wow its amazing how many people i have said this to but u sound exactly like me i was using 50+ 10/325 norcos a day everyday for last 7 yrs  i been clean like 10 days now after yrs of tryn to quite i to lost my girl for the same reasons and its hard aint it u feel like u just wish u had someone there with u thry the good and bad seems lik it woulda just been easier it suxs but hey waht can ya do well i truly kno exactly how ur feelin so anythime u need to talk or btch whatever im around so good luck an stay strong.

[jt808]

hey i just read what u two been writing im 25 and just felt like i can really relate to u i wrote this lik month ago and felt like u guys were so much like me just wanted to talk u guys.
well i was there like few months ago or so and i was clean for like month and a half but than i went on a bender and got even worse than i was which i couldnt of thought was possible..well here i go....hmmm ok well im 25 yrs old male and i  recently bought a condo bout full year ago im so far into debt with the bank to loan people every credit card all my friends close and far and everyone in between who would lend me money see i was eating 50+ norcos(10/325) (or lortabs,percs,vicodin u name it whatever i got my hands on) a day i work nites so i never slept that was in a 24hr period id say on average i ate 45/50 of em and that was for 6/7 years i wasnt able to get a dr. to write me enuf to last so i had many street dealers as many as 12  so u no what they charge u per pill so imagine 40ish a day everyday for couple years. well it was ALOT of money and debt, and i was doing this all secertily noone knew not my girlfriend who we were geting engaged we already rented a place in the fla keys to get married it was a destination wedding we booked it up had guest list done and the works we were together on and off for bout 7 years, also my mom and dad had no idea my brother and all my family and friends all had no idea that i was an addict of almost 6 years of doing alot of pills. i told everyone that the reason i never had money was that i was in debt for gambling i figured well id rather people think that i gambled than pooped pills all day everyday so they belived it. i tried quiting so many times half hartedly tho i always kinda knew in the back of my head that i was gona go back to em and i did. but this last time sum 2 weeks ago i just felt like wow im going to lose my condo that i just bought to forclouseur i cant even afford to put gas in my car let alone eat or pay for my habit my loans were pilling up and debt was eating away at me. i knew that if i told my girlfriend that shed probly leave me cause in the begeging of our relationship i was addicted to cocaine for a few years when i was in high school and college i beat that but promised her to never do any of that **** again. so i was very unsure how shed take it so i waited till she got home from work and i told her everything, and than told my family everything it was hard to see what this did to them especially them not having any idea. needless to say my girlfriend packed up and left me when i needed her most that really hurt. my family was very good bout it but just the way they look at me now like im sum piece of **** theyd never say that but i can see it. im going to loose my condo lost my fiancee more debt than i can count to more people than i can count and all by myself, and not a person that knows what im going thru. so i went to my dr got on sub  and just taking it a lil at a time but that was my final rock bottom i thought... i just wish that the person i loved most wouldnt of bailed on me when i needed her most but i guess i deserved it and got what was coming to me i guess. i dont no. well im sure there are alot worse stories but this was enuf for me to stop...  well that was as of like 3 months ago and since than i went back again i was just so unhappy and couldnt get rite i was depressed and didnt get off my couch when i was sober and just was miserable and it suked so needless to say i went back to the pills and went back HARD i was able to save alot money by just quiting for like 2 months so i had enuf money to just go crazy and get a ton of pills so the last month and a half ive been back eatin em and in the mean time i meet this girl i really wasnt planning on it cause i no that im a mess rite now but i couldnt help it we hit it off well and u really cant help who u fall for ya no i havent told her and dont no how to or when to, i no that i have to cause i saw what it did to my last relationship by me not teln her for yrs so im gona tell her soon. but the worst part is my parents who have been awesume to me since i told em they still thnk that ive been sober and i really cant tell em again i thnk that it would literally ruin my mom and i couldnt stand for that causze they really have done everythng for me that they could and more i just feel sooooooo bad bout it and i just cant stop  i mean i quit 4 days ago and told myself that im dun for good this time again, but they got the best of me again i just ate 6 norcos sniffed one and crushed another so 8 total and i no that with me getn paid tonite that im gona start the cycle over again. i really thnk that i would be beter off in a inpatient place where i can be watched but with my job and everythng its just not possible man im so ashamed of myslf i went to a meeting the other day but i hated it i absoutly hated it dnt no why i almost felt like i didnt belong but i no i shouldnt feel that way cause i do belong there as much as the next person i dont even no why im posting agin but it does kinda help getn thngs off my chest. im actually startn to thnk that ill never be able to end this cycle and it suxs cause ive been getn subs from my dr. but after i go see him next week and gota pee ill fail again and he said hes gona cutt me off if i mess up agin than that means no mur subs to do it than i really no that i couldnt go thru what so many of u have done either c/t or taper i no i cnt taper. i have never been able to taper. well i was able to stay sober for like month and half b4 but just couldnt get happy does anyone no what i can do differntly to find happiness while sober plz im beyond desperate and im just so dissapointed no scratch that im sooo beyond dissapointed with myself i dont no what i am anymur well sorry for the long post plz respond as harshly as u feel cause i defenitly deserve it. thanks for reading my story... well thats my story by the way the other girl i meet we were getn along awesome well i fukd that up now shes gone like my fieancee left so did she but i gota do this on my own and i just went to fla keys to detox for 8 days got back two days ago and i already fuked up i ate a hanful of pills lil bit ago but i threw the rest out i didnt want em anymore so im startn over AGAIN i just felt like u twq really sound like me so i had to share thanks. startn my first day tomorow again...

[intothedarkagain]

Do not feel like you are alone.
I am right there beside you.
Everything you feel, I feel as well.
I think all addicts, by nature are liars and con-artists.
We all project what we feel is necessary to prevent anything from coming in the way of our pile.
I cannot tell you how many times I have failed in the same way you have.
I tell myself, this time is different. This time I am going to change.
The strangest thing is…I am an extremely logical person.
In everyone situation in my life I am able to look at the consequences and gauge appropriate action.
In the case of pill, I am powerless.
If you put them in my hand, the reaction of placing them in my mouth is so limbic in nature, I have a hard time fighting it.
I know what you mean about coming clean with you parents.
This is the same situation I placed myself in last month.
I told everyone I had a problem. Family, doctor, everyone.
And here I am…on day one…suffering again.
Ashamed, miserable, and lonely.
It is only through talking to people like you that I can find any strength.
The people around me exercise moderation like an art-form.
Through talking to you I now know that I am not the only person who is broken.
The strangest and probably most embarrassing thing about the whole situation is that I don’t know what I am running from.
I started taking pills when I was in my early 20’s. I didn’t really have a problem until I hooked up with the dirty dr.
He would write a script for nothing.
Lots, and lots, and lots.
Enough to built a habit the size of Texas.
I once heard an ex-heroin addict tell me that in WDs you give back everything you took.
Right now I feel like I am giving it all back.
Everything.
Joshua from Oregon

[bucksfan]

Hey Bud
Yea I am 26, my habit was not that strong so I dont know if you should seek inpatient. I will say that you need to find something you want to quit for. Keep that thought in your head at all times. For every craving think of something peaceful. I bet it is really hard to have no support and for that I am sincerely sorry. Only my fiance knows and she doesnt even think its a big deal. I kinda of play it down. My only support was and is this site. So please keep posting and reading. No you are not alone. If you get back on the sub asap and stop the narco then you may not pee dirty. I have never tried Sub b/c I thought it was subsituting one addiction for another but again your dosage was much higher than mine. I am happy you have met someone knew remember things happen for a reason. I promise you that once you find something you want and sit back and look at the beauty of life getting over cravings has been a breeze. I have massive debt as well boat cars, credit cards and houses. I have 0 dollars in savings because my entire savings was in stocks and well lets just say they plummeted to pennies. I am quitting smoking, major depression,quitting a pill habit that has spaned over 4 years and switching careers all at once. I was so afraid I had the perfect storm brewing and began suicidal thoughts. On my second day i woke up and felt someone or something there. I have never gone to church so trust me when I say I couldnt believe it. That morning when I cut the tv on a song came MTV Jams which happened to be the channel my fiance had it on from last nite. The first lyrics were dont worry about what you dont have in life, be thankful for what you got, just live your life. I dont know how to say but Music has been the biggest help in my recovery. It gave the motivation to get on the treadmill that morning and since that song played I have not thought once about next months bills. I trust in my destiny, in my new career that I will succeed. Now that I beat these things back all at the same time, what can I not do? I want to go work 70+ hours and do things with friends and family as much as possible. With that said my energy is not back yet so I am still in a rut but the key to it is that I am mentally prepared. If you can get past the WD's I promise you that the light at the end of the road exists, or that the grass is greener. I am still having the WD symptons but I have found my smile, my laugh and bit by bit, minute by minute I am finding myself. That kid on the ballfield, that son playing volleyball with his father and a boy kissing his future wife for the first time. I truly believe that I will appreciate the small things so much more now that I have experienced this more than I did if I had not. As I said my friend you are not weak, you are the strong one. Thou shall I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil......
BucksFan

[jt808]

u couldnt of said it beter i dont kno what im running from either i thnk i got thngs pretty good ya kno i dont kno why i do what i do and have been doing sine forever. **** i have been doing somethn since 13 yrs old im now 25 gota get it together. i knew u two were good people to talk 2

[intothedarkagain]

man you make it hard to post.
You should be an author.
I find strength in your words.
I am going to leave again and go out and try to find something beautiful.
You have no idea how helpful you are bucksfan.
Sincerely,
you west coast friend.
Joshua From Oregon

[bucksfan]

I am glad bud and to be honest english was my worst subject in school. I have always been a math whizz. But when you are sincere and write from the heart then it bleeds over to the reader. Thank you so much for telling me they are helping. If you only knew how many times peoples writings have helped me here.
Your East Coast Friend

[jt808]

thanks for ur words i really needed em i gota stop thnkn bout sht it makes me crazy and the other girl well she left me saturday after she talked with my ex so its been even harder the last few days being home and havn no one. but im glad for this site there truly are sum good people on here to take time out for peole u dont even kno and help then it blows my mind. well good luck and stay strong...

[bucksfan]

Same to you man, if you need to talk just post and I will look for ya!

[intothedarkagain]

I'll be looking too.
We are here for you.
Don't worry we can do this.
It will just take a little time.
Sincerely,
JOshua From Oregon

[jt808]

and ill be around as well thnjks

[bucksfan]

I am going to get settled in for the night. I will be looking for you guys tomm, please let me know you made it through the night. I am seeing an improvement in the attitude intothedark, if you can stay positive you should have no fear for overcoming this challenge.
Your East Coast Friend

[dominosarah]

I just got on here a bit ago and started reading this.  Very impressive!!!!  You guys really encouraged each other.  That is what this place is all about.  I am almost 48 yrs old and it is soooooooo nice to see you all doing something now about this. WD is no fun but we have to rid our bodies of the toxins.  Just hang in there as it will get better.....sara

"Go with a spirit that fears nothing"

[flmagi]

Hang in there guys, you can do this and be free forever. Lots of success stories on this forum. Everyone is here to support you and help you get threw this.
Stay strong!

[intothedarkagain]

wow that night took about 20 years to pass.
I am amazed that time is really relative.
I keep telling myself I am starting to feel better but I know I am only entering day two.
Thank you bucksfan for getting me to leave the house.
My long walk gave me a few mintues of sleep last night.
It is so nice to see everyone here.
You are my strength right now.
I know I am suppose to have personal strength but in the middle of DT I am nothing.
I feel like a scarecrow.
Staggering.
JOshua From Oregon

[illadelphia984]

You know, I've just finished my first cuppa joe (7:57 a.m. here), and I'm so happy how this thread has turned out. You're right, nrecovery: it is a spiritual program. For me, I've been filling the void with drugs, and that void is a result of lack of spirituality. Once I come out of my drug induced coma, I realize that, and that God (or Buddha, or Allah, or the Source) has kept me here for a reason. I should be dead now after everything I've been through, but I've been given another chance. Heck, I'm greatful that I woke up this morning. That's another thing I lacked when I was active in my addiction: gratitude. I took so many things for granted, but I was blinded by my ignorance. The blindfold has been removed. :)

Today's the start of my second day, but my attitude has done a 180. Yesterday I THOUGHT I could do this. Today I KNOW, I FEEL that I can. I'm so grateful this site is here and that I'm able to converse with people who sincerely want to help others. It's truly a blessing.

[illadelphia984]

Hey, Josh! Great to see you back. You definitely sound better.

Did you sleep? What is it, about 4 or 5 am there? How are you feeling physically? Here we go on day 2!

[intothedarkagain]

Awesome.
I am sooooo happy to hear from you.
It is about 5:00 in the morning here.
I have been up for hours.
I wish I could say that I feel better, but I am sure it is just a mind trick.
Whatever.
How are you feeling?
Are you expereiencing anything terrible like me.
Are you trying to climb up the walls?
My skin is not my own....at least at this point.
Yes you are right....here we go on day two.
I haven't cracked yet.
Rock and Roll.
JOshua From Oregon

[illadelphia984]

LOL at your last comment. I know exactly what you mean and, no, you don't sound crazy. Have you ever read "Be Here Now", "A New Earth", or "The Power of Now"? They're all great books and speak of the "nowness" of which you speak. I was watching a program last night on PBS titled "The Secrets of Enlightenment" and it just seemed to be syncronicity. It was just what I needed at that time. It's funny how things work that way.

[illadelphia984]

Hey man! Hell, even if your feeling better is a mind trick, live it up! Each day's going to get better and better for us, I can just feel it. I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. I know that climbing up the walls feeling (I was experiencing that last night after work). Do you feel up to another walk today? It sounds like it really helped yesterday. I'm going to go to the gym here at work on my break just to get my blood pumping.

Yesterday, I was scared about me being off from work all next week, but today I'm viewing it as a "me vacation." I'm going to do constructive things, like really delve inside myself and journal, meditate, and pray. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm actually looking forward to it.  :)

[worried878]

38 ios the winning number...what can u do differently this time around?  I would like it if u kept in touch..let us know how u r doing

[illadelphia984]

I can spot an eckhart fan a mile away! ;) No, the lecture last night was night by him, but Dr. Deepak Chopra. This was the first time I had heard of him, but his message was extremely powerful. Ram Dass is another author I would recommend. Have a great day, Dave! :)

[sway1]

you are me too! i am once again on day 2. right now i feel so ashamed. addiction is some powerful sh*t. i haven't been truly clean since 1994. i have gone a week or better, but my jones was always hovering and waiting for my moment of weakness. that is what shames me, weakness. in all other aspects of my life i am a strong ariculate woman. i think i,m scared of being 46years old. so i keep trying to be 25. my name is christine too. i have been working out with long resistance tubing, but i don't feel like i can do it today. maybe i do a shorter session. i am just so disgusted that i am putting myself and family through this AGAIN. man, i am hard headed! this is scary. i live in a small community too. i understand what you are saying. this site is my NA meeting. i would like to have a detox friend. best of luck to all. i will be back and keep posting. peace
                                                                                 sway

[bucksfan]

Good Morning Friends,
What a night. I hope my struggle took some of your struggle and allowed you to get some sleep. The two nights prior to last I went to bed at 1 and 11 and slept to 730 straight through. Last night I tossed and turned until 317AM. My back hurt like heck and Itried two couches and a bed. I did sleep straight through until 840. I am glad to see yall are up and posting!

[illadelphia984]

Good morning fellow east coaster,
   Sorry to hear that you didn't sleep well. I was knocked out, due to my prescription of restoril. I'll be taking that again tonight for fear of not being able to sleep. After about 3-4 days sober, I'll try going to sleep naturally and see how that works. I don't want to be dependent on anything anymore. True, I still take xanax (as prescribed), but I eventually want to taper off that using the Ashton method. I'm starting school again in two weeks for the first time since last July, which in and of itself is stressful. I was tempted to drop my courses yesterday, but I know I can do it. Plus, it'll help keep me occupied. I can't let my addiction rule my life anymore.

[bucksfan]

Way to go man! Look forward to that challenge! Embrace it! Make that your new addiction! Push yourself to get A's and when you feel stressed or discourage remember Feb 27th, 2009! Remember what you fought, and beat back with pure will power. Yes be careful on the Xanax as I have a good buddy who is prescribed a lot of them and he is addicted to those as well as other narcotics b/c of the Xanax. I am rooting for ya man!

[dominosarah]

sway........Dont beat yourself up.....the important thing is you are back.  You know the drill so stay with it.  We are rooting you all on.  Take some hot baths, drink plenty of fluids, turn up the music, get some exercise and stay in the now.  You are all doing this!!!!  That is great!!!!  Keep posting and stay positive.........sara

[intothedarkagain]

Yes!!! Everyone is here.
How nice.

You are all right!
I have been filling the hole of spirituality with dope. I need to fill the hole but for some reason when I look at the opinions I get scared. I don’t feel like I belong in a church. I know the idea that church is made for people like me, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with it all.
Shame.
I am looking at things differently today.
There is a certain humor to the entire process of WD. You just have to look really hard at it. I find the humor in looking in the mirror. I mean I look like sh*t and I feel even worse, but knowing the this is a result of a choice I keep making, over and over and over again, now that is just funny.
I mean if I was a rat and you gave me too buttons one gave me food and the other made me feel good for a few minutes followed by pain for hours…I would starve to death. Isn’t that kind of funny? If I wasn’t an addict and you showed me that type of behavior I would pair it with stupidity. Maybe it isn’t but it is to me right now.
For the first time ever I don’t feel so bad about not being perfect. I think bucksfan is right, we aren’t the weak. We are the strong. I have visited hell (even if it was by choice) and I am walking out on my own two feet.
I am tired of muting everything down. I am tired on not experiencing anything for what it really is. For some reason I get caught up in the idea that everything, even the good times, have to be made better by dope. I try to max everything out… and for what price. For the last….man I can’t tell you how long….I haven’t been able to smile or feel anything. Cold, and numb. I can’t tell you the shame I feel right now for not appreciating anything that has happened to me.
For heaven shakes, I have had nothing but blessing my entire life. By all accounts everything is perfect. And what do I do to repay this gift? I go out and fall in love with a spider.
This is the shame I feel….and I am tired of carrying it around.
I am tired of having my motivations rotate around someone other than myself.
I’m taking them back.
Right now.
Your friend,
Joshua From Oregon

[illadelphia984]

Although you feel shame now, I don't think you should BE ashamed of yourself. We all make mistakes, you know? At least you're getting your thoughts and emotions out, instead of carrying them around. I definitely know what that feels like.

I can relate to what you were saying about stupidity-- it's like we know what the consequences are once we pick up, but the addict in us overrides our logic and we give in. And what do we receive? A miniscule high in comparison to the hell we have to endure when the high is over. And, despite knowing this, we keep going back. Not this time. No, sir. I'm totally surprised, but I've had no cravings so far today, and it's only day 2. I'm lucky to have a spouse who is super supportive and to have you guys to help me along. Joshua, you're sounding better and better with each post. Keep it up, brother! :)

And sway, I agree with sara: keep posting and don't beat yourself up. I wish you all the best.

[intothedarkagain]

The sun came out a few mintues ago.
I can't tell you how long it has been since I actually appreciated that.
Here I am.
I think I am can see some blue skies.
I am going to go lay in a tanning bed.
That always feels great.

Joshua From Oregon out!

[bucksfan]

Wow, your guys attitudes is rocking! Please remember to take the good with the bad. When its bad think of the that Sun! When its good Smile at the Sun! Each day will get better, you two are much stronger than me because your addiction was a bit stronger than mine. I use you for my inspiration at times like today. If these guys can do it then I can as well. I will lean on you and please lean on me.
Bucksfan

[intothedarkagain]

That makes me so happy bucksfan, because right now...as a result of you I am looking at the sun and smiling. The first time in days.
I was so down the last week becaue I knew this weekend was coming, but right now I feel like I have been given a gift.

We can do this!
We WILL do this!

Remember, during days like this, the bad days on being doped.
Remember everything you missed because of it.
Try to remember all of the holes in your memory because of it.
(the strange thing is I still remember everything that has happened, the only difference between doped memories and real memories is the 'emotion track' to the doped memories is missing. I can't remember how any of those memories felt. Which is really what memories are for. Then again I could be wrong.)
Lean on us.
I will be here all day.
Probably all day for a long long long time.

Your friend in Peace,
JOshua from Oregon

[bucksfan]

That makes me happy Intothedark! Keep that chin up better days are near. Also once you are past the worst of the physicals call family and friends each day. Tell them you love them. I became a hermit on pills never going out to bars, parties or functions. I would do stuff but inside I would be dieng to be home and counting the minutes until I could leave. Please embrace these experiences, tho we didnt see it, they are the most rewarding. I have always been very popular and never treasured friendships or family. I see now that success is not what is in your bank account but having friends, family and a joy of life. The road we have to travel is going to be a bumpy one but if we include friends and family in this voyage nothing will stop us from reaching our destination.
Bucksfan

[intothedarkagain]

you are right bucksfan.
I haven't told my family I love in a long time.
They are so great.
When I was bent I too would hide myself in my room.
I don't know why that happens but it does.
They werid thing is I really didn't put and thought into that whole aspect of what was happening.
The bigger part, for me was who I would be when I was bent, I felt like I was bulletproof.
I could talk to anyone.
I could manipulate anything I wanted.
I got everything done, before it was due.
I didn't need to sleep, eat, or do anything.....I thought all of that was just a crutch.
Doesn't that sound lame now.

The one thing that scares me is how I feel when I am off of them.
I do not feel like I am in control.
I don't feel like I can talk to anyone.
It is almost backwards for me.
Then again I haven't been clean for more than a month in the last four years.

I was that person, a long long time ago.
Before I started using.
Now I feel almost like a hollow version of what I once was.
How long do you think it is going to take before I get my 'killer instinct' back?

I hate being weak, frail, and reactive.

You humble friend,
Joshua from Oregon

[illadelphia984]

I was the same as you and buck describe: turned into a recluse, had immense self confidence, feared nothing... but, as you said, once sober, it's the complete opposite. I was also that person you speak of a long time ago, but somewhere down the line, I lost my confidence, my outgoing nature, and now I feel like you said--a hollow shell of myself. I think the reason we feel this way is because we've lost touch with our TRUE selves. Once sober, it's like I look back on what I've done and where I am now and it feels like I have been living a double life, or that there are two versions of me.

We've been masking our true identities for so long that it makes total sense for us to feel lost or weak or disoriented. We'll get that back. I don't know when, but trust me, you'll know when you do.

And your smiling at the sun made me smile, too. :)

Buck: excellent post, as usual. oh, and don't forget e-friends. ;)

I love this place. If it weren't for this forum, I don't know what I'd do.

[bucksfan]

CHIN UP! I am in sales and yes they make me very good at being friendly with anyone. I was very concerned about this but each day it gets better and better. To be honest I beleive the gift of gab or people skills is something that we had before and only made better during our experience. Now you will enjoy talking with people and have the exact right words to say vs. a cloud being there and jumbling up words. Trust me when I say that was my biggest concern, energy lvls and talking with people?(Grumpy etc)

[intothedarkagain]

Nice,
once again I am not alone.
Now that I know there are people out there with the same situation, we can all beat it.
I have always been a social person, but on pills....sh*t.
Like I was saying on the dope, the world felt like it was mine.
In a strange turn of events, it was this attitude that got me to where I am right now.
Which is pretty Posh.
I worked hard.
Day and Night.
1 million miles an hour.
Everyone knows me as the guy who has all of the energy.
If they only knew that it wasn't my energy...but the dragons.
I don't know if I am going to be able to keep this position without 'that' attitude.

60 days ago I quit smoking.
Man I want one right now.
I have heard people say that quitting smoking is as hard as quitting Heroin.
Obviously they people have never done, or been hooked on Heroin:).
I am not going to smoke.
The sad thing is I feel like I am saying goodbye to my best friends.
Smoking, and now the Sh*t.

I just taped, in big thick blue tape, YOU ARE AN ADDICIT to by bathroom mirror.
This is the first time I have ever admitted that.
I don't know why but it makes me feel better.
Now I can see it every day.

Thank you guys for listening.
and btw bucksfan you have an nack at writing.
I too am a math, and science guy.
Writing isn't as fluid as numbers.
They at least most of the time make sense.
Right now your writing makes a lot of sense.
So does yours Christine.

Sincerely,
Joshua From Oregon

[bucksfan]

Remember what I said yesterday? If and when you do get past this challenge do you honestly believe there is anything you couldnt accomplish? My friend you could move a mountain with your bare hands. We are facing a tougher challenge than most will ever see. So in a week when your back at work and you have to find that ounce of extra energy, or that smile and some kind words when you feel you cant, remember this experience. Remember the fight, remember your the strong one and I promise you that you will find pounds of energy and enough kind words to write a novel. Smile, because soon you will have a whole new take on life, almost as if we are reborn but with strength, courage and will power that exceeds most.

[intothedarkagain]

Yes!
I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago I guess what.
I have tone in my skin.
I am not white as paper anymore.
Wow I didn't expect that to happen that fast.
I guess i wasn't taking very much dope in the last three days of using.
I feel so much better right now knowing that I am in control.
The mountain still looks heavy to me right now, but in a few weeks I will move it.
I just added that to my list of things I don't think I can do.
I am going to, at your advice, start at the top of the list and work my way down.

1.) Continue another hour without Dope.
2.) Continue another day without Dope.

Your words are armor.
Joshua From Oregon.

[bucksfan]

I didnt think I could get through this at this time, I am finacialy about to be in trouble,(that what you get for putting savings in stocks)I was quitting pills, just recently quit smoking, had severed depression that last week and my best friend who was in prison for 7 years and has been out for 5 may be going back in. ( he chose to make money illegaly at a young age and made alot of it but he is a good person). Just a minute ago I got a possible sale that would cover my bills and allow to me to change my career and take this opportunity of a lifetime that I have! Things happen for a reason and when you think you are at your lowest low know that it will only get better. Once you let your mind go of worry you begin to see what the joy in life is. LIVING!
As for each day during the WD process, look at like this. Football is a game of inches. Every inch you gain is one that puts you closer to your objective. Well in our case every minute we gain is one further away from our past and closer to our future. Most are scared of whats to come in life, me after my experiences, I am excited to see what waits for me around the corner.

[intothedarkagain]

Congrats on the sale.
You are that much closer to becoming what you should be.
I too am at a cross roads.
I have worked for the last two years on getting into position to have a really sweet job, in a profession that pays well, doing something I love.
Its funny how all of that doesn't seem of any value right now.
All that I feel masks that.
I am trying, like you said, to see the beauty of it all.
And little by little I am starting to get the hang of it.
I am sooooo thankful for you guys, and this site.
If it wasn't for your guys I would be finding stuff on the street by now.
If I can hold on for one more day, every thing is going to be way better.
Just like you said, I will be waiting to see what is around the corner...instead of fearing it.
We are at 1.5 days right now.
Rock and roll.
Joshua

[jt808]

whats up i just caught up on what uve been talkn bout and i was exact same way i use to be very outgoing always with my friends hanhn out eithr at a bar or wherever but after i got so deep in the pills the only place i felt i wanted to be was home by myself with my  dog doing nothn and i turned into a hermit when i use to be the life of the party, i dont kno why that is but i hated it i wanted to do stf but just felt beter sitn in eatn my pills doing nothn. and as for havn energy off the pills im scared of that as well with my job im with people all nite cuase i work nites and when im not using i get very crabby and just real edgy i havent been sober enuf to no if thatl go away ive bben addicated to sumthn since i was 13yrs old i dont kno who i am anymore i mean the real me the sober me and im afarid of that afarid of not knowing who i am or going to be, but im sure its gota be beter than the way things have been going so ill just have to take that chance. hope u all are havn the best day ya can.

[intothedarkagain]

Hey what is up JT808!
Nice to see you again.
Are you going to get on the wagon again today?
I am looking down the barrell of day two and things still suck, but they are getting better.
You can do it.
We were, and still are, the life of the party.
They drugs just pushed you back a bit.
Don't worry I bet with 30 days under your belt you will be at the front of the pack again. That is what my new goal is.
30 days.
Maybe then I can start to feel better without the white (or blue, or red).

Sincerely,
Your supportive friend.
Joshua From ORegon

[jt808]

and i just wanted to say that u three are GREAT writers and express urself where i almost get a picture in my head i wish i could do that but im glad i stumbled on this post cause i truly feel not so alone anymore knowing that i am not the only person going thru this, so plz keep up the writing i actually looked forward to getn on and reading what u had to say, sorry i write like a 4th grader.lol. u should hear this guys poem that i have become friends with ill try and find it and copy and paste it its REAL good...

[jt808]

i gota kno r u a buckeys fan or is that name for sumthn else cause i am a die hard buckeye fan i wanted to play ball there but wasnt fast enuf had to settle in at a smaller school in iowa. i just wanted to c if that was it if ya dont mind

[illadelphia984]

Welcome back! You're getting on just as I'm about to get off. :( No worries, though. Thank you for the compliment and, no, you don't write like a fourth grader. If I can understand what you're saying, that's all that matters. I've had little to no cravings today, just the chills and yawning. Hope you're feeling okay and I hope you all have an amazingly sober weekend! :) I'll be back on monday (maybe sunday--we'll see if my home computer is running okay).

~Christine

[jt808]

you to have a great weekend, and hope u feel beter.

[intothedarkagain]

Bye Christine,
Thank you so much for being there for us.
We are going to have an AWESOME weekend.
No looking for hookups anymore.
I wish I was having your DT.
Man if I could say I didn't feel any side effects right now I would be happy as pie.
and yes JT808 you don't write like a 4th grader.
I would know.
I teach.
Joshua From Oregon

[bucksfan]

OH.........................IO! Yes sir! I also wanted to play ball there but its funny how things work out. I threw away a shot at a possible sports career b/c of choices I made. I threw away a college degree b/c of choices I made and almost threw away my life on more choices I have made. Do you know what I learned from this? That life is full of choices, each one gives you life lessons unique only to yourself. We cannot dwell on the coulda woulda shoulda's, for if we do then we will have no opportunities to make more choices. If you could have a life planned out and written down for you but you could never make your own choice and experience the emotions and lessons learned from the choices, would you choose to live that life or the one with choices? I, myself prefer the choices, because its the choices we have and the emotions we get from our successes and failures that let us know we are really living.

[intothedarkagain]

I am going to the tanning booth now.
I will be back in an hour or so.
Hang on JT808.
Stare the demon in the face and tell him you aren't his friend anymore.
That is what I keep having to do.

JT808 You seem really smart.
You know that if you keep doing what you are doing, the end will not be what you want.
Ruins, ashes, gnashing of teeth.

You are going to have to visit the hell of WD eventually.
This weekend seems like as good a time as any.
Destory your dealers numbers.
To them you are nothing more than a pestering leech.
I know they act like your friends, but what friend would try to kill you.
That is what they are doing...right?

Joshua From Oregon

[bucksfan]

Hey Jt,
What amount were you on again? If you are tapering what amount are you on now? I have a taper that worked for me a few times but it requires Methadone(and prefererably if you dont like it to get high off of so you dont get addicted to that) and also tramadol.

[jt808]

this was written by deamons-within hes a good guy 20 yrs old 11 days clean so far.

Demons in a prescription Bottle

Written by:
Carmine Vercetti  (Thats my Pen Name)

I’m gonna put my Life up in his hands
I’m gonna pray to my God above everyday
to make my problems go away
I am enslaved by demons in a prescription bottle
A 30 MG line is on my mind all the time and I cant slow down the throttle
I’m beggin please from on my knees for these demons to let me go
I wont forget my wrong regrets and put my life up in his hands
I am enslaved to demons in a prescription bottle
It might take a while for me smile but my redeemers here for me
I hold my Rosary close to me and close my eyes and happy dreams are what I see
I’m gonna slay these demons in a bottle
Theres no tellin what my excuse will be tomorrow
I had a bad day, my pain won’t go away and my problems are here to stay
Its all because I am enslaved to these demons in a prescription bottle
Will I still need more tommorrow
I just want to end this road of sorrow
And maybe someday when my addiction goes away good times will finally follow
When I can stand and say that I have slain these demons in a prescription bottle
And Waive good by to Oxycontin cause that’s the problem
Shattered tears and endless fears of what I am to become
I am on the Run no where to hide cant get away from these feelings inside
Please release me from my Sins,
I am beggin please from on my knees for these demons to let me go
I sit and Pray for better days where I don’t have to be enslaved
Waiting for the sun to shine upon my face and have the wind be at my back
I still can never take back what I have lost from these demons in a prescription bottle
I wish I could slow the throttle, no telling how many I’ll need tomorrow
I need to settle down and be at peace and find my destiny
Things just  aint what they used to be
Take it back and pump the breaks and forget all my mistakes
Remembering what’s lost and can’t be found
I can’t stand these demons in a prescription bottle
Let the good roads finally follow
My pride is what I need to swallow
When my stash is gone I live in hell, damn these demons in a bottle
Up all night with cold sweats until tomorrow
The only way to feel better is these damned demons in a bottle
Love is hate and hate is love, their on my mind all the time
Up my nose is where it goes and it stands to show how much I lack control
I am enslaved to demons in a prescription bottle
I wonder what excuse I’ll have tomorrow
I had a bad day, my problems wont go away, endless excuses everyday
I cant stand this disease that’s eating me
why cant I be free from these demons in a bottle
I have decided to my addiction in his hands
Because my redeemer understands
I want to Say goodbye to the  demons in a bottle.
But will I still need more tomorrow?

[jt808]

yea i would def choose the life with choices for sure its true every choice is a life lesson and all i can say is i will be a stronger person for the choices i have made weather bad or good choices well they hav mostly been bad but im gona change that startn today this time for good.... and the amount i was on was about 50 a day of norcos 10/325 or whatever i get my hands on lortab percs u kno how it is but manly norcos and thats been for the last 7 yrs im gona go c/t i have sub but im gona try this again two times ago i went 5 days of hell as i was getn beter my cuz came over 2 c if i was alive cause i didnt answer phone for those days well he walked in with a jar of pills and here i go again and recently i went to fla to get clean and i did 8 days i was home for less than 48hrs and well u kno what happaned so today im startn and im not takn sub cause i wana go thru the hell of w/d again so i can know the pain and this willbe the last time but if it gets to bad i will take a sub but im gona hold off as long as possible cause i wana or i shold say deserve to go thru the hell of w/d for all the bad thngs i have done i deserve it. hope that made sum sense

[bucksfan]

Yea but please be careful b/c you are coming off of such a large amount. I dont know if it may be better to take the sub or to ween vs. C/T. Either way I am praying for ya and please make this be the last time.

[jt808]

yea i kno it was literally the worst thng last time and i made it like 5 days untill my cuz came by i was so pissed at myself i made it thru th eworst than messed it up but im done i really am i kno ive said it a thousand xs but this is it i dont thnk itl be that bad cause i havent taken that many since i quite the other day so im kinda hoping that its not as full blown as b4. either way just gota man up and do it. thansk for the supporte, and what position did ya play i was linebacker/fullback but manly linebacker.  GO BUCKS.......OH-

[bucksfan]

Which sport, LOL. My best shot was in baseball but in football I was QB. I played everything from Summer Volleyball to Bowling to Football.

[ToWonderWhat]

Dude did i read that right? Your off to the tanning bed?  My god bro im so jealous lol.. Unless this little space heater gives out some sorta ultra violet rays ima be white for a grip lol. I gotta tell ya man u are  DOIN IT ... You came here looking for a freind and that u will find (have found) bro. Your story well help more than u know goin CT from that amount. I will be here for you all to, at this point im learning from you and im up a day or 2 on ya :)  ..  Buckyyyyyy good to see u bro  you are the Mack. Congrats's on 6 goin on 7 now is it?  See you found another Buck-Nutt hell yeah. Hi jt808 ....IO.... lol ima goin to Florida in April and you bet your Arse ill be thinking of you when im there lol. Man i cant wait thats gonna do my mind,body and soul soooooo good. Keep up the good fight yall WE CAN DO IT !  ..... much luv  Craig

[intothedarkagain]

Hey everyone how is it going?
Just got back from the tanning bed.
I don't even go to get tan. It just feels really
nice when you are climbing out of your skin
and sweating.
You are emerged in light for 15 mintues.
You don't feel as bad.
Its like a hot bath only on steriods.

Anyway JT.
I am proud of you for trying again today.
How many have you taken since you stopped last time.
In my expereience it takes a little while to build up another massive WD.
I have went about a week straight after a nasty WD and not had another one.
I find that if I am on a bender that lasts more than a week, I have an *** kicking coming my way.
How many days have you been bent since the last time you quit?
Joshua From Oregon

[intothedarkagain]

Man it is so nice to hear from you.
Yeah tanning bed...bad ***.
I am jealous of you for going to florida....florida....bad ***.

Thank you for you complements on my CT.
Right now I feel like I am some sort of super man.
If I were any weaker I would be dead by now.

I am glad I am not taking anything to make it better.
I think you need to suffer in order to understand what you are doing to yourself.
60 days ago I quit smoking, and everytime I ran I suffered.
I felt a pain for everydrag I took over the last 10 years.
I think once I have paid them all back, I will stop hurting.

Thank you everyone for listening.
Joshua From Oregon.

[jt808]

i was clean for like 9 days in fla i got back tues and took sum on weds nite id say ive had probably btwen 60-80 in those few days i had my last handful early this morning about 3 or 4 so im startn to feel like real sht here but cause i was clean for those days i dnt thnk itl be tooo bad bad enuf but whatever its all part of it ya kno. well i hope the tanning bed helped i dont thnk id like to be in the bed but not sure well c if it comes to that im just really not lookn forward to this again. aight talk u guys

[intothedarkagain]

Don't turn away.
This is am important part of getting clean.
I just went for a ride in a convertable caddy.
I looked at the trees.
They were so nice.
Did i tell you.
Today I had a span of about 20 when I wasn't WDing.
It was heaven.
Hang in there.
It won't be as bad WDing this time.
Not if you were clean for 8 days then on for three.
I am suprised you feel anything.
It takes me a lot to get hooked again.

To bucksfan.
I told my family I loved them today.
I think it freaked them out. I don't think they are use to it.
Joshua From Oregon

[bucksfan]

Hey JT, knowing that it shouldnt be to hard this time. I think you will only feel a little compared to 9 days ago. Hang in there it will get better and Josh way to go man! My fiance and I just got done arguing for about good 30 minutes so I am in a rut. Ughhh

[intothedarkagain]

don't be in a rut.
the rut you feel right now is 100 miles higher than the rut you were in 7 days ago...right?
I know how bad it ***** to argue with your loved one.
Be thankful you still have one.
I learned that from listening to you I think.
Right?
JOshua From Oregon

[jt808]

def be glad that u still havesomeone to argue wu=ith and than make up with its a great thng and dont ever forget that man, u should just go make up with her now lifes to short to argue with the ones u love. ull be ok go giv het a hug and kiss i wish i could so dont take that for granted bud.

[bucksfan]

LOL, enough about me, how are you feeling? Are the WDs getting any better? I think we have got your mentality at a good spot the trick will be to keep it their once the physicals are over and your emotions settle down. Right Febuary 27th, 2009 down somehwere and every time your mind wonders look at that date and remember what it felt like

[intothedarkagain]

I am doing that.
I am writing down everything and how I feel right now.
It would be nice if I could tell you I feel better right now...but I don't.
I am coming off such a large amount, I mean 10-15 30's a day,
I think I will feel pretty down for a while.
You are right though...my mind is in the right place.
I feel happy about something.
I am going to make staying clean my new addiction.
If I obsess about it enough I know I will be able to get into it.
Right now It is pretty hard to focus on anything but...
when I write on this page I feel better somehow.
It is nice to talk to people who are fighting the same devil I am.
Yes, when you make up with her, which should be right now, tell her you love her.
..and kiss her....if she is into that type of thing:)

I am staying strong.
I think I am going to print out this string and post it on my wall.
That sounds like a good idea.
Sincerely,
Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

lol, u got it bro. yea im ok with the physical stuff for the most part ive done it soo much just like inthedark but its that long haul the maintence part were i def wander off a lil well alot. and i hate the emotional part of this after a few days cause im really not that kida guy i keep all mu emotions inside but when i go thru this man its uncontrobable and i hate it makes my head go crazy and thnk about all the stuff i coulda had and messed up if it werent for those kinda thoughts id have no problem with this. what are u guys planning on doing to keep ur sht together for the long haul? and tricks or secrets ya got?

[intothedarkagain]

I have been thinking a lot in the last few days.
I have the same thoughts you do. What I should have done. What I could have had. Etc. They circle in my head like little car crashes.
Flashing in my brain and keeping me from sleeping.
That and the fact I feel like I have an ant farm under my skin.

I have a plan though.

2 plans in fact.

I have taken some of BUCKS advice and I am making a list of things I can't do.
I am going to start at the top of the list and work my way down.

The second part of my plan has to do with filling the void.
At first I am going to fill it with physical activity.
I am sure if I hit is as hard as I hit the dope, I will be on a new plain in no time.

See that is the cool thing about addicts.
We don't know when enough is enough.
Sure that applies to drugs, but it applies to every thing else as well.
We are the people who set the boundries of what is possible.
I feel like I am doing that with whatever I do.
I hit it as hard as I can, and I don't stop when everyone else does.

Don't think of it as a weakness.
It is in point of fact, our superpower.


JOshua From Oregon


Do you have any ideas for plans on the long haul.
I am in the process of stealing any good ideas.
I have also heard church and NA work really well.
THis is my NA

[jt808]

yea the thought man they consume me and that why i go back each time to just stop thnkn cause i have sooo many bad thought that i just ruined alot, but enufs unuf thnkn bout the bad stf its ove and i gota deal with like a man not a coward and hide behind a bottle of pills.... and plans for the long haul i def agree with the physical and man u hit it rite on the head everythng i do is like 180% i go bals to the wall weather good or bad i kno no limits so if i focus my energy on good like exercise and stf like that. ive never been real relegious so mayb that as well i have tried the na i should really giv it a fair shot tho i have a hard time mayb cause i hate to admit what i really am and that a dam addict.

[intothedarkagain]

Yes...another 180 percenter.
It is so great though.
Face it like a man...darn straight..
because that is what you are right?
I think every thing is going to be really lame for a little while.
I have to finish reaping the harvest that I have sowed.
At least I am planting food this time around.
not disaster.
Church. Yes.
Physical. Yes.
I think you should sign up for a marathon of something.
I was thinking about that.
i haven't ever tried to run 26 miles, or whatever it is.
I think I need something to fight against.
Something that gets my Dopamine rushing again.
I heard it is going to take us about 3 months before
food, sex, and laughing hit the right part of the brain.
I don't get the same buzz out of any of those things anymore.
I figure if I hit something that hurts me really bad, then I will be helping the process along.
you shouldn't have a problem admitting you are an addict.
You should, if you haven't already, read bucksfan's post above on
how we aren't the weak ones,
That really helped me.
YOu shouldn't feel ashamed, or bad at saying that.
Think of it like a really big, really awesome looking scar.
It will be a really cool story to tell in a few years to your new friends.
They are all going to be like "oh my gosh, I can't believe you did that. You bet junk and lived to tell about it" oh my.
It will go on and on.
I can hear it already.
Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

ha, that a good way to put it just add another scare i got plenty of em. and 26 miles i thnk ill stick to may a lil less than that.lol. im a linebacker here ill do like 4/5 for now. but i get what ur sayn all we gota do is just focus or obessive energy on good and there will be no stoping us we will b like machines i kno this cause its in our nature and way of thinking... im just turning the phone off itd b ringingt off the hook esp. being friday so just me my music my pup and this site. for a few days. and yea i heard that its somethn like 90 days for the dopamine to start comin back i thnk, and i cant wait for that ya kno.

[intothedarkagain]

Good move on turning off the phone.
You don't need anyone right now but yourself,
and someone who is fight the same fight.
I can't be around my friends because they
will totally know something is up.
It is hard enough for me to talk about this
problem of mine with you, and I can't even see your faces or hear your voices.
(I don't know if the second part of that is right.
I swear I can hear you talking when I read what you write.)
I am turning my phone off as well.
Just me, the fire, the piano, and you guys
We have a little bit of a trek ahead of us JT808.
You better dress in layers:)

Joshua From Oregon
And yes we are going to rewrite the book as soon as we get done refocusing all of our obsessive energy on something productive.
They aren't even going to see us coming.

p.s. (I have always thought this:
Satan works harder in people like us.
We are too valuable.
We, (the 180 percenters) move mountains and guide the flocks.
If he has us, he has everyone who follows us.
You are not doing this only for yourself, but everyone who is standing in your shadow).

linebacker?
Really?
I was a cornerback.
Rock and roll.

[jt808]

dude u got some real cleaver words no joke! and yea it really is true 180% so true so true,  what day are u on i forgot what u were at thnk u said almost 2 rite? cornerback huh nice...so none of ur friends no about whats goin on with u?  havent came clean with anyone

[bucksfan]

I am going to workout, work, golf and fish. I am going to travel back north to see family and appreciate the small things. I am really glad how much your attitudes have changed from when you first arrived. Maybe a small miracle is taking place. Maybe a few strangers, miles apart stumbled upon this site and comforted each other. These strangers found light in a time full of darkness. Though we will never meet we may have put a permanet impact on each others life that will change us forever. Hopefully one day years from now when we are loving life and the sun is shining bright  you will glance up to smile at the sun and at that moment you know that each one of those strangers from that site we stumbled upon are doing the same thing.

[intothedarkagain]

My girl knew.
She was very tight lipped about it.
The really close circle I think knows something up.
They can tell there are two different mess.
One bent, the other straight.
I am coming up on finishing my second day.
I am getting pumped just writing this to you.
Third day is going to be a breeze compared to today.
It in no way could get any worse.
Then again I got to rid in a caddy, and go tanning today, both of which are bad. a.s.s.

I am trying to get clean without coming clean to any of my friends.
My parents know the score.
My doctor knows the score...well kind of.
I don't want this to be a giant black mark on an otherwise blemish free life.
Then again who am I joking with.
Blemish free life.
Yeah maybe four years ago, before I started using.
at least back them I was making mistakes on purpose.

Man one of the turning points for me was when I crashed my car.
I fell asleep in my giant Mercury.
The road swept to the right.
I, being asleep, drove straight.
I felt the car unload as it went over the cliff.
You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you are on a rollercoaster.
I opened my eyes when I felt this and I got a second to look out the front window for a second.
Nothing but trees.
In that moment it felt like time stopped.
I knew that were I was at was a direct result of the choices I made.
At that very moment the whole game, my life, was out of my hands.
It was in his.
The roulette wheel had been spun and I put everything on red.
I tore through about 15 tree before I stopped.
When I came to the car was taking on water.
I had to kick the side door open and climb out.
The drop off the road was about 20 feet.
It doesn't sound like much, but try doing that 20 drop in a 17 foot long car going 65.
I cut off traffic on my way off the cliff.
If there were kids walking on the shoulder I would have killed everyone.
I would be writing this from jail.
I came out without a mark.
The crash pushed the engine up into the dash.
I don't know how I lived.
I guess there is a reason right.
He left me here and took so many others, who were making better choices, for some reason.
Maybe the reason is so I can talk to you.
You know, get you through this.
Me helping you get through this is what is getting myself through it.
Sorry for the length of this post.
I ramble.
Joshua From Oregon.

[jt808]

u def dont have to apoligize for the long post i was on the edge on my seat man thats sum scary sht dude wow u really gota make ya thnk like i gota get my sht together cause i may not get another chance u literlly escaped death and u wer4e meant to be here for somethng important not just help us but even bigger and i cant wait till u get what u were meant 2 be here for its gona be big but i gota say im glad u r here not only here but here with us helping eachother thru these dark times.

[intothedarkagain]

Upon hearing bucksfan's advice I went out tonight.
I went to a dinner with my brother, sister, mom, and dad.
We drank soda and milkshakes.
I was sweating, and shaking, but it was a truly blessed evening.
For some strange reason, maybe its because of this site, I had the gift of gab.
I was clever.
You have no idea how happy that makes me...to know that I have wit...and it isn't just the pills.

Rock and Roll.

bucksfan,
I do think a miracle is taking place.
When I read about people, who live hundreds of miles away, having the same struggle, it gives me strength.
I now have strength to beat this not only for myself, but to help you guys.
I am living through hell right now.
With no help.
I am taking it square on to show everyone that you can do it.
No methadone, no suboxone, no clonodine, nothing.
Just will, and sweat, and bananas.
I am going to make myself and example for all of you.
I know that by reading my posts the odds are all stacked against me.
i mean really 37 times....that is a lot of failures.
but for some reason I think I needed all of those in order to get my mind in the right place.
I have never tried talking to anyone who knew what I was going through.
I just holed up in shame.
Now i know I am not alone.
I think I knew all along, but I was affraid to ask.

right now, with all of your guys I feel better in my head than i have for years.
I am not just saying that....and I am not being emotional...
I am not drugged.
My legs hurt, my heart is pounding, and all i want to do is call someone to fix all of this,
but you know what....i haven't wanted to call that terrible number all day.

You know why?

Every time I start to feel that way I get on here and start talking to you guys, which is why I have posted about 100 times today.
It is getting better.
I smiled the whole time at dinner.
it was like i knew something cool was coming, and no one else even suspects it.
I know that in about a week, the new me gets unveiled.
Hell the new me was unveiled tonight....
Complete with the quakes, shakes, and cold sweat.
The only difference was I had a clean mind, and a clear objective.

I was also pulled over by a cop on the way home, and I got to look him square in the eye.
If I was pulled over last week, I would be in jail.
How is that for being blessed.

Everything in the world is at peace for me right now.
bucks, jt808, christine, gizzy...thank you more than you ever know.

Joshua from Oregon.

[intothedarkagain]

Did I mention I play music.
That is one of my biggest triggers.
I use to write music for big television shows.
Those times are past.
They went up my nose.

Now I write songs about fighting an enemy I love.

See also,

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=443356240

I hope this helps someone out there tonight.
I know I need help.
I will be up all night if you want to talk.

Joshua From Oregon

[intothedarkagain]

O.K. guys I am going to try to sleep now.
You know how that goes.
I will be up in about two hours…if I am lucky.
When you talk to me again I will be on the tail end of this demon. Day three. Yess!
I can’t wait to have it in my rearview mirror.

Sleep well my friends.

I am with all of you.

Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

hey guys i just got back on i feeln lik sht and kno if wont slp nite its hitn me hard now, talk u all later ill prob b around if anyone up. have good nite all

[intothedarkagain]

I'm here.
Like I can sleep anyway.
Who am I fooling.
So you are fighting it hard right now.
I am too.

My legs.
I hate feeling like i need to go somewhere.
I kick and kick.
sweat.
cold.
sweat.

I am here for you.
JOshua

[intothedarkagain]

I did it!
Day three.
I met day three wide awake.
I don't know when I am going to get any sleep.
It will be soon.
You can't live without it.
I know I am not going to die...it just feels like it right now.
I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
Joshua From Oregon

[sway1]

don't know why i thought your name was christine. must have been one of the responses you got. sorry. day 3 here too. also not sleeping. want to take some benzos but they tend to make me do stupid things after a few days. i am awed at how many people picked up your thread. that's great. lets you know you are in the right place. good luck. peace.     sway

[intothedarkagain]

It is great to hear from you guys.
Here we are.
Day three.
Wow.
What a trip this has been.
Repleat with ups and downs.
Right now I am in a bit of the downs, but I am sure that will go away when the sun comes up.
I have a hard time keeping the moral high when the lights are out, and I can't sleep.
I bet you know how that is Sway...right?
My mind is right...and that is all that matters.
Last night was really hard for me guys.
That one hurt me a bit.
I didn't cave.
I won't because of you.
Joshua

[bucksfan]

Hey Friends,
I am still here just wanted to pop in real quick and say I am proud of yall. Intothedark and JT I truly think you guys are going to make it this time. The attitude is amazing, I am witnessing something special.

[intothedarkagain]

We have made it DAY THREE here we are.
When I woke, or should i say quit trying to sleep, this morning, I was a bit in the dumps.
Then I came to this forum and I got my wind back.
I can't tell you how much all of your kind words are reprogramming me.
Things aren't as bad, when I know I have a group of like minded people there to support me.

In time I will become the support and the cycle will continue.

This has, hands down, been the best experience I have ever had on the internet.
Nothing can come even close to the strength I find in bucks, jt808, christine, eagle, christine, nrecovery, sway, wonderwhat, discretekarma, gizzy and the rest of you.

You guys are so rad, you have no idea.

Thanks to you my mind is starting to find a new way to think.
Now I am starting to think about what I am going to do INSTEAD of getting high.
I have made plans, goals, said I love you to relatives, burnt all of my connections.
This is something that I haven't done in years.
It feels like I have put my life on hold for these last few years.
I just pushed the pause button for a second time, and the tape finally feels like it is rolling.
In the past every thing came second to getting 'fixed'.
(Who every came up with that expression?
Wouldn't a better expression be getting "broke".
That word covers both money and mind.)

I digress.

Today is going to be a big day for me.
I have made plans to leave the house.
Not for a few minutes, but the entire day.
Right about I am wishing I didn't make any plans,
but I know tonight I will be happy I moved around all day.

I consider my process here, and my drug experience as a whole, as the tempering of steel. Hot cold Hot cold.
My mind is getting stronger.
I am not ashamed anymore.
In fact I am a little proud.

Sincerely,
Your brother in the mountains,
Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

i just couldnt bring myself to type cause how aweful i felt but i got the strength now just seeing how yall r doing good to hear u being so positive i could sure use it rite bout now.

[intothedarkagain]

Awesome to see you again man.
I glad you made it through the night.
I was right there man.
Boy did that stink.
We did it though.
Here we are.
I am on day three, feel a little better than yesterday, and I am looking forward to day four.
I can't wait in fact.
Everything is going really well right now.
I have you guys to keep me in line.
Any new insights from last night JT?

Joshua From Oregon

[Demons_Within]

Whats up guys< I am on like day 13 or so not exactly positive a he moment, I just need to keep my dominent thoughts on being sober and not going through what I went through ever again.  This is the farthest I have ever gone in my recovery with Oxy's and other pain meds, I feel happy with normal life for a change, and the Subs are working just shy of a miracle, eventually I am planning on tapering off of the subs but the doc said there is no rush, Good luck all, I will keep in touch, Keep it up JT,

Be Blessed and Well ~Demons~

[jt808]

hey man good to c ya its ben a whil edeamos u seem to be doing great, i am not rite now i turned my phone on and i shoulnt of bad bad news always a txt away. but so far so good i turnded it off again just got me thnkin tho.

[jt808]

ur rite my skin aint mine rite now it feels like sumones havn a fite over it and im just sitn here watch and feeln it happan

[jt808]

huy just wanted to let u kno of a song that ive been listening too thought u mite like it kinda makes sum sense with what were going thru, its rodney atkins-if your going thru hell. i reccomend listening 2 if ya can. and id appreciate any othr songs u thnk have helpd u cause mucis def helps me theu this. i kno u guys are bust so when ever u get a chance. hop yall hav a good nite

[intothedarkagain]

Look! coming up on day four.
It feels like a lifetime since I wrote the first post.
You guys made it happen.
JT hang in there man.
everything is going to get way better in a little while.
Today was a great day.
Everything in the universe is opening up.
I am ready.
Joshua From Oregon

[jt808]

whats up man good 2 hear frm ya sounds like u had a good nite im glad 4 ya man its good to get out an about. i forgot about my god daughters christing tomorow morning i dont kno what 2 do bro i mean i cant do it like this and i gota my heads spinning i keep teln myself to get a few pills to look normal tomorow, idk wht 2 do

[bucksfan]

JT man dont think that buddy! Remember to smile and appreciate the small things listen to some motivational music and look at that date I told you to write down. Feb 27th, 2009. Picture yourself then compared to where you will be tom, you can do it. Take a vitamin, walk, get some good food in ya and a nice hot shower. Please dont resort to pills its not the answer. If you can go tom without the aid of pills in the middle of WD's imagine what your capable of doing once you are past the WD's. Once again my friend, Tho I walk through the valley of death, I fear no evil............

[jt808]

i kno man its just like im suppose to be the god father and i dont kno if ill be able to hold it together in front of EVERYONE all my family and friends im startn to get a panic attack i thnk i cant stop thnkn bout if i ruin there first kids critining, i gota try and keep it together.

[intothedarkagain]

Last night was a dream for me.
Day four, yes.
I stayed up till 3 then it happened....sleep.
silence.
nothing.
I didn't feel anything.
Just dark.
and sleep.
I have, we have, done it.
JT don't be tempted.
Pull it together and try to look sqaure.
You can do it.
Don't take them.
If you need any help me just give me a ring through the PM.
We are so close.
Things are still pretty rough, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was three days ago.
Rock and Roll.
Joshua from Oregon