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Downward Spiral - Oxy Mom - NEED HELP!
Well, I've posted before, but not for a long time. I've been taking oxycodone for 3 years now and started because my boyfriend was prescribed them after being in a bad accident. Started with 15 mg IRs but for the last 2 yrs have been taking 30 mg IR. Basically I'm out of control. I can't just do them to maintain. I have to do them to get high. Really high. When I get my hands on what I want, I would take 10-15 30mgs a day. I've stopped many times, but never for more than a week or so. I do want to stop, but it seems like the only thing that makes me feel good anymore. I don't work. I don't go to school. But I have 4 kids ages 2-8 and a big house that I'm responsible for.... Not a lot going on, I know. That's part of what makes me feel so worthless I think. I don't do anything that I'm proud of. I don't have any responsibilities that require really hard work. And I don't do anything I really enjoy. I don't go out. I don't have friends. And I love my kids so much. But the love I feel for my kids doesn't change how much I hate myself. So to feel better I use. When I don't use, I have no energy, no motivation, I'm very depressed, and I have no drive to do anything anymore. I mean, there are some things I really wanna do, but I just can't start. I'm prescribed suboxone, but my boyfriend is still prescribed 360 oxys every month and I'd rather do those. I end up doing them for "just one day" and it turns into forever. It's all me and my man fight about. And although he doesn't want me doing his pills because he knows I get out of control. He still gives them to me. If I ask long enough or beg or whine or have a fit, he will eventually give in. Guess he feels like he has no choice but to share. Even though he'll end up running out and has to go buy more for some insane amount. I've begged him to quit with me, to do it together. But he's made this decision that he can't quit or think about quitting untill I've quit for like a month. But I can never make it that long. Not with easy access. I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I feel like a sh*tty human being. I know it's up to me, I know I have to want it. I've just done it so many times, I've left for a few days, but after being back for a few days around someone who has what you want the most, I crumble. I really don't want to leave my home, my husband, everything. I really have nowhere to go. I would love to go to rehab but I don't know anything about them, I know they are expensive and I have a 2 year old. I'm on the downward spiral and I feel so alone...
No I hear ya and have to agree with your. I think it probably works for some and not for others. I think if you're in the right state of mind and are willing it can help change your way of thinking. Make you realize how precious everything really and make us more aware of our actions. But it is a lot of money. And if you're looking for a cure all solution you're probably never going to get off drugs. I think I'm learning, it takes a big 1st step and a lot of determination, hard work, and positive thinking in the aftercare to come. I'm working on the big 1st step right now.
I hadn't had any oxy's all day yesterday then a friend came over (a using friend) and I did some. But I'm back on track today and honestly didn't enjoy it as much as I normally would. I kind of wished I hadn't done. Then I would've had one day behind me. Can't even say that. But hopefully after today I will.
Thank you for reading and thank you for posting.
I hadn't had any oxy's all day yesterday then a friend came over (a using friend) and I did some. But I'm back on track today and honestly didn't enjoy it as much as I normally would. I kind of wished I hadn't done. Then I would've had one day behind me. Can't even say that. But hopefully after today I will.
Thank you for reading and thank you for posting.
Ibogaine is very controversial yes there are clinics in mexico that for 5 grand will induce a trip....ive been told its like a bad acid trip and although thjere has been some success it not as full proof as they would like you to believe it kinda like the wismane method painless rapid detox only cost 20grand...we have had 2 members try it one said it was what they said
the other said it was horable and everybody was sick from it....from what I know about rapid detox I believe the second story....you can stop taking the drugs but your far from cured from addiction.....addictions roots go deep down inside us to the very way we think
you need to change the thinking process to put the addiction in remission it actually quit simple aftercare both N/A and A/A offer free progams theres also addiction therapist and substance abuse conslors but it is something you will have to work on it wont go away
on its own and from all I have learned there is no magic cure save your money....Gnarly
the other said it was horable and everybody was sick from it....from what I know about rapid detox I believe the second story....you can stop taking the drugs but your far from cured from addiction.....addictions roots go deep down inside us to the very way we think
you need to change the thinking process to put the addiction in remission it actually quit simple aftercare both N/A and A/A offer free progams theres also addiction therapist and substance abuse conslors but it is something you will have to work on it wont go away
on its own and from all I have learned there is no magic cure save your money....Gnarly
Thanks for the info. So as far as the Vivotrol goes, are doctors prescribing it?
For awhile we were both going to go to Mexico and take Ibogaine. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's a psychedelic drug but was discovered to cure addiction. It has a good success rate but you have to go to Mexico to take it (which I don't mind that!) and it's expensive. You're administered the Ibogaine, it goes on all night and by the morning you've 'seen the light' so to speak. You stay there about 2 weeks to do some body purifying or something too with diet. If you haven't heard much on it, look up "Ibogaine in the news" and there's a good clip that some dateline type show did on it. It's really helped a lot of people who've tried other things. I can't remember the website but I think it's the dreamhouse or something like that. I just don't know if I'm ready to "face my demons" ya know. psychedelics are a thing of the past for me. Not something I do anymore. But if it killed the desire to do drugs I would do it.
For awhile we were both going to go to Mexico and take Ibogaine. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's a psychedelic drug but was discovered to cure addiction. It has a good success rate but you have to go to Mexico to take it (which I don't mind that!) and it's expensive. You're administered the Ibogaine, it goes on all night and by the morning you've 'seen the light' so to speak. You stay there about 2 weeks to do some body purifying or something too with diet. If you haven't heard much on it, look up "Ibogaine in the news" and there's a good clip that some dateline type show did on it. It's really helped a lot of people who've tried other things. I can't remember the website but I think it's the dreamhouse or something like that. I just don't know if I'm ready to "face my demons" ya know. psychedelics are a thing of the past for me. Not something I do anymore. But if it killed the desire to do drugs I would do it.
It always amazes me how many people really are in this sh*tty situation. It really does help to hear just SOME support out there. Somewhere. I feel like if I had some support, a friend to talk to, another Mom to hang out with, a job, a passionate hobby, a distraction, than I would be more successful. When I lay around at home with no energy and know my boyfriend is running around getting a hundred things done I get resentful and it makes me just want to throw in the towel. I've looked into NA meeting and even scoped them out from afar, but never did go. I really am ready for a new life. I'm sick of feeling weak and worthless. But that's how I feel when I'm without the drugs, weak and worthless. The rollercoaster is getting old!
As for a quit day, it's today. There's not enough to be giving any to the wifey today so I'm on Team Suboxone. Go team!! My last oxy was at 8pm last night. I woke up at 3am with mild but still uncomfortable wds so I took a sub and went back to bed so I feel pretty decent so far this morning. (I've been up for like 20 minutes) I really am sick of relying on drugs period for my happiness. Does anybody remember just having energy to do things?? I do. I miss that. That's where I want to be. I recall seeing a regimen or tapering program for people to get off subs in like 21 days, I really should look that up again. If there's anyone here that has kicked subs that way I would love to hear some input!
So I started to reply at like 12 last night and then me and the boyfriend/husband got into a big fight. We're trying to buy our house and have appraisers coming today. So it's been kind of stressful, trying to get the house cleaned up and fix all the things around here that need to be fixed. I don't ever hear anything real positive about my "sobriety." I'll say tomorrow is the day without drugs like a hundred times before it actually HAS to be the day without drugs. He's sick of it. He's sick of me. We don't even make love anymore. And when we do, I feel like he does it because I b*tch about it so much. He's disgusted with me. I really don't blame him. I'm disgusted with me.
Well, maybe things will be different this time.
gnarly - Like you said, I guess some extreme measures may be necessary. I really feel like I need some counseling. And I'm not against NA. And I appreciate all the input. It's all very helpful.
witsend - We know eachother's story too well. One day, you're just gonna have enough of it too I guess. But being around someone else on the drugs sure makes it hard. Hopefully both our hubbys will want it too someday. My boyfriend would always tell me, "seeing you clean and doing okay makes me feel like I can do it." It was good motivation for him to do it, even though he's never tried. Maybe if you get clean, he'll want to get clean. I know my man is sick of it too. But he is really hurting too. But he doesn't want to be on pills all his life and he knows these things have destroyed our relationship. I just hope that it's fixable.
moni80 - There are doctors, teachers, people of all professions doing this crap. It's crazy but it's true. This crap is evil. We all deserve better. I always tell myself "i've gott do it for my kids" but I feel like if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't feel like I need to do them so bad. It's a vicious cycle. Wish the best for everyone and thanks to all just for posting it has helped me trememdously!!
As for a quit day, it's today. There's not enough to be giving any to the wifey today so I'm on Team Suboxone. Go team!! My last oxy was at 8pm last night. I woke up at 3am with mild but still uncomfortable wds so I took a sub and went back to bed so I feel pretty decent so far this morning. (I've been up for like 20 minutes) I really am sick of relying on drugs period for my happiness. Does anybody remember just having energy to do things?? I do. I miss that. That's where I want to be. I recall seeing a regimen or tapering program for people to get off subs in like 21 days, I really should look that up again. If there's anyone here that has kicked subs that way I would love to hear some input!
So I started to reply at like 12 last night and then me and the boyfriend/husband got into a big fight. We're trying to buy our house and have appraisers coming today. So it's been kind of stressful, trying to get the house cleaned up and fix all the things around here that need to be fixed. I don't ever hear anything real positive about my "sobriety." I'll say tomorrow is the day without drugs like a hundred times before it actually HAS to be the day without drugs. He's sick of it. He's sick of me. We don't even make love anymore. And when we do, I feel like he does it because I b*tch about it so much. He's disgusted with me. I really don't blame him. I'm disgusted with me.
Well, maybe things will be different this time.
gnarly - Like you said, I guess some extreme measures may be necessary. I really feel like I need some counseling. And I'm not against NA. And I appreciate all the input. It's all very helpful.
witsend - We know eachother's story too well. One day, you're just gonna have enough of it too I guess. But being around someone else on the drugs sure makes it hard. Hopefully both our hubbys will want it too someday. My boyfriend would always tell me, "seeing you clean and doing okay makes me feel like I can do it." It was good motivation for him to do it, even though he's never tried. Maybe if you get clean, he'll want to get clean. I know my man is sick of it too. But he is really hurting too. But he doesn't want to be on pills all his life and he knows these things have destroyed our relationship. I just hope that it's fixable.
moni80 - There are doctors, teachers, people of all professions doing this crap. It's crazy but it's true. This crap is evil. We all deserve better. I always tell myself "i've gott do it for my kids" but I feel like if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't feel like I need to do them so bad. It's a vicious cycle. Wish the best for everyone and thanks to all just for posting it has helped me trememdously!!
I was on Suboxone for 3 years...I don't want to tell you not to take something that may help with your addiction, but if I could go back I never would have started Suboxone.
Regarding your reaction to Suboxone, jumping back and forth between sub and oxy is likely the reason why you are having cravings/discomfort on the Sub. I did the same thing for a long time and felt the same way.
Oxy is a full opiate agonist with a low binding affinty...meaning it'll get you high, but not for too long bc it doesnt bind strongly. Suboxone is a partial agonist with a high binding affinity. Itll keep you outta WD and give some a buzz. You have 4 main types of opiate receptors and these drugs effect them very differently. Sub is only going to really work if you are on the correct dose and take it consistently.
Also, nalaxone actually is inactive when Suboxone is taken correctly under the tongue. It is included so people are discouraged to shoot it. It is actually the buprenorphine that can cause withdrawal and block the effects of other opiates. Because of its high binding affinity, buprenorphine will knock off low binding drugs like oxy and take their place on the receptor. The partial agonist action of the buprenorphine will not be able to provide the same feeling as a full agonist like oxy...hence precipitated withdrawal. This is why they tell you to wait until you are in withdrawal before taking Subxone. Its also the buprenorhpine that blocks the effect of anything taken after. The strong binding cannot be moved by weaker binding opiates like oxy.
Regarding Vivitrol, it was actually originally prescribed to alcoholics because the naltrexone was said to reduce cravings. Naltrexone is an opiate antagonist. Like nalaxone, it blocks the effect of opiates. It stays in you as long as you think you need it.
Be careful with the Suboxone and good look. Keep posting.
Regarding your reaction to Suboxone, jumping back and forth between sub and oxy is likely the reason why you are having cravings/discomfort on the Sub. I did the same thing for a long time and felt the same way.
Oxy is a full opiate agonist with a low binding affinty...meaning it'll get you high, but not for too long bc it doesnt bind strongly. Suboxone is a partial agonist with a high binding affinity. Itll keep you outta WD and give some a buzz. You have 4 main types of opiate receptors and these drugs effect them very differently. Sub is only going to really work if you are on the correct dose and take it consistently.
Also, nalaxone actually is inactive when Suboxone is taken correctly under the tongue. It is included so people are discouraged to shoot it. It is actually the buprenorphine that can cause withdrawal and block the effects of other opiates. Because of its high binding affinity, buprenorphine will knock off low binding drugs like oxy and take their place on the receptor. The partial agonist action of the buprenorphine will not be able to provide the same feeling as a full agonist like oxy...hence precipitated withdrawal. This is why they tell you to wait until you are in withdrawal before taking Subxone. Its also the buprenorhpine that blocks the effect of anything taken after. The strong binding cannot be moved by weaker binding opiates like oxy.
Regarding Vivitrol, it was actually originally prescribed to alcoholics because the naltrexone was said to reduce cravings. Naltrexone is an opiate antagonist. Like nalaxone, it blocks the effect of opiates. It stays in you as long as you think you need it.
Be careful with the Suboxone and good look. Keep posting.
Your story is so similar to mine. I have children as well, two of them. I'm not a stay at home mom though, I don't know if I should even say this but I'm a nurse. I'm so familiar with the feelings of weakness and shame and just feeling like an all around loser with no self control. I want to be clean, you sound like you do as well, but that's what I don't understand because people say you just have to want it, but it has to be more than that. I don't even know why I'm writing because at this point I'm where you're at. I guess I just wanted to tell you thanks for posting and to let you know that I definitely can relate to what you're going through.
HI.....what a mess.....your going to have to want it bad and be willing to go to some extream measures to get off these things....first off your hubby is going to have to keep his pills under lock and key....your going to have to change up your mindset to'' I can do this''
your also going to have to be willing to go threw he!! to get over this addiction this is not going to just go away in a few days you have been abusing a lot for a long time its going to take a wile to feel better....your hubby is going to have to agree to not give you any no mater how hard you beg complaine or throw fits over...your going to need outside support
get involved with N/A and start working the program this is not optional your deep in the grips of addiction and will need all the support you can get....this is just the basics we will have more for you when you agree to a start date....just know it can be done dont waist your whole life on pills like I did I was strung out for 16 1/2yrs if I can kick anyone can post often for support let us know your quit date its not hopeless we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
your also going to have to be willing to go threw he!! to get over this addiction this is not going to just go away in a few days you have been abusing a lot for a long time its going to take a wile to feel better....your hubby is going to have to agree to not give you any no mater how hard you beg complaine or throw fits over...your going to need outside support
get involved with N/A and start working the program this is not optional your deep in the grips of addiction and will need all the support you can get....this is just the basics we will have more for you when you agree to a start date....just know it can be done dont waist your whole life on pills like I did I was strung out for 16 1/2yrs if I can kick anyone can post often for support let us know your quit date its not hopeless we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
Wow... I could have written your story almost word for word.. I too am a mom.. 4 and 7 yr old boys. My husband and I both take Lortab which HE is prescribed. not me. Anywho, my point is, I do the same thing, if the craving hits and they are in the house.. which they always are, all I have to do is ask, bug, whine, complain and he eventually gives in. Sometimes it doesn't even take that effort .. alot of the time when he first gets them filled, he just offers them to me willingly. When he begins to run low about a week later that is when the arguments start, he says he doesn't and shouldn't have to share with me but yet he gives them willingly when he has the stash if ya know what I mean. I too have the guilt of how did I ever let myself get here and so on, but if I continue to live my life with all the regrets I will drive myself insane. The past is the past and I can't change it. I like you, also want to quit but want us to do it together, hubby and myself I mean. But he is unwilling at this time to cut off his script so that makes it much harder on me when I know he has them or is about to get them. So I just continue with the same ole merry go round of getting them, running out, withdrawing, and then getting them filled again... same ole song and dance if ya know what I mean. I too am a stay at home mom, except for the part time work I do a couple days a week for the in laws. I too understand the energy and motivation factor, I am struggling with the same thing myself at the moment. I know, not much help or positivity in my post, just wanted you to know that there is another fellow mom out here in the same boat you are in.
Buprenorphine. That is the active ingredient in suboxone. Naloxene is the ingredient they add to it. Sorry, my memory escaped me for a little while there. But I've never heard of the implant, I'm wondering if it's a similar thing.
I don't know. I'd honestly like to get to the point where I don't need any kind of medication to keep me happy/normal. I'm prescribed suboxone. Is it similar to it's active ingredient? Naloxene I believe. It's supposed to make it to where if you take an oxy, it sends you into withdrawals. It's also supposed to keep the cravings at bay, but it doesn't do that for me either. I obviously don't take it as prescribed though. I notice if I do an oxy after taking a sub that day, the oxy doesn't have as strong of an effect..... How long does this implant stay in your body and where?
I understand completely. I could never control myself either. And my ex-girlfriend would always offer even though she knew I was trying to stop. Addicts dont want to get high alone.
You are stronger than you think believe me, but having that kind of access keeping you from seeing it. You are on here, you want to quit. If that temptation wasn't there you would be surprised how much stronger you'd feel.
Your situation is tough. I only had to worry about myself when I quit...so I feel like I shouldn't try to give advice here. Obviously you want to keep your family together, etc.
Have you heard of Vivitrol? It is naltrexone....which blocks your opiate receptors. Meaning, taking oxy would have the same effect as popping breath mint. It has come in pill form for a while, but now there is an implant that doses you daily. So there is no way you can skip your dose, and use. Is that something you would ever consider?
You are stronger than you think believe me, but having that kind of access keeping you from seeing it. You are on here, you want to quit. If that temptation wasn't there you would be surprised how much stronger you'd feel.
Your situation is tough. I only had to worry about myself when I quit...so I feel like I shouldn't try to give advice here. Obviously you want to keep your family together, etc.
Have you heard of Vivitrol? It is naltrexone....which blocks your opiate receptors. Meaning, taking oxy would have the same effect as popping breath mint. It has come in pill form for a while, but now there is an implant that doses you daily. So there is no way you can skip your dose, and use. Is that something you would ever consider?
Thank you Georgiagirl. It's nice to hear from someone who too is a Mom.
And to postgrad, I have to agree with you for the most part. If the pills weren't here when I had my craving I wouldn't do them. It's just too easy when they're right here and accessible. For some people it's doable but I feel my addiction is too strong or I'm too weak or whatever it is, it's just not working for me. As bad as I want to be off these things.... These pills are destroying me. I'm not even a shadow of who I used to be.
And to postgrad, I have to agree with you for the most part. If the pills weren't here when I had my craving I wouldn't do them. It's just too easy when they're right here and accessible. For some people it's doable but I feel my addiction is too strong or I'm too weak or whatever it is, it's just not working for me. As bad as I want to be off these things.... These pills are destroying me. I'm not even a shadow of who I used to be.
You use boyfriend and husband in here but it sounds like you are only talking about one person, so I will assume that.
First, telling you that you need to quit for a month before he will consider quitting, and then giving you the drugs to fail...classic addict manipulation.
He is putting his addiction on you. Suddenly, you control his willingness to quit, BS. The reality is that he is controlling your relationship with his drugs.
Bottom line, I rarely say something is impossible, but staying clean while living with someone you used with or is the source of drugs is impossible.(I have tried) I think you realize that, so you need to figure what you are willing to do.
First, telling you that you need to quit for a month before he will consider quitting, and then giving you the drugs to fail...classic addict manipulation.
He is putting his addiction on you. Suddenly, you control his willingness to quit, BS. The reality is that he is controlling your relationship with his drugs.
Bottom line, I rarely say something is impossible, but staying clean while living with someone you used with or is the source of drugs is impossible.(I have tried) I think you realize that, so you need to figure what you are willing to do.
Hang in there. You absolutely can get better. It really is as simple as really really wanting it. I am a mom too and stay at home. Sometimes I get that "hamster on a wheel" feeling, that's normal. To say u have nothing going on is not true. You're a mon and take care of small children. There is nothing more important or challenging than that! When I quit 3 weeks ago ct, I looked at my kids and thought.. They deserve better, I deserve better. I would lay down in front of a train to spare them 1 second of pain (I know u would too). I would rather be sick, tired, depressed for a short while (in the big picture) than let them have an addict for a mom. Just dig deep, I know you'll do this. I also had pills in the house when I quit. Never tempted me cause I really wanted to be clean. They r now all flushed by my husband cause of the temptation but honestly I didn't care they were here (they were his and I thought he may need them but he obviously didn't cause they r gone) either way I had my mind made up. I'm not saying it's easy cause we both know it's not but it's very doable. You just have to get your mind around the fact you're going to feel crappy for awhile but it passes. At about 2 weeks clean I found a pill in my bathroom and I flushed it without a thought. Ice been addicted on and off for 8 years. I'm not saying I will never fall or crave them cause I don't know that. What I do know is I'm clean and craving free today. Please know u are important and you matter to those children so much. There is nothing more special than that! When you're clean your children's laugh is so much sweeter. Go luck my friend. I know u have it in you!!!
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