Emerg. Room and drugs...

Everyone,

Missing you more than you know. Phone lines to my house in the middle of nowhere continue to have damage somewhere unknown to phone company. They promise by mid-March it will be fixed. So it comes on randomly, for short periods of time. I never know though....Also, long story short-my employers donated the building next to our building to the local fire department to burn down (it was cheaper to have it burned down and then rebuilt new-versus remodeling the existing building). It was burned down Saturday Feb. 16th. Unfortunately, it turns out all the phone, internet etc. service for the whole complex of buildings where I work was routed through that building. The internet/phone service was destroyed completely. While they were digging a trench to place the new lines on Tuesday Feb 19th (once they got it all figured out), the construction company hit the water main. That caused a whole 'nother set of problems. SO-I haven't had internet at work and won't have it until Monday, March 3 and I have NO reliable internet at home until mid-March. Technology hates me.

Today I waxed it at work and ended up in the ER. My coworkers had to carry me to our work truck and put me in the back...All I could do was lay in the bed of the pickup and pray I didn't throw up on myself or pass out from the pain. It was 30 miles of logging road and then 35 miles of highway to get to the ER. My lower back is so messed up. Good news is that it will heal... but it hurts. I was hysterical when the ER nurse tried to give me some morphine. I asked to see the doctor and was really honest with him. I told him I was off opiates for over 60 days and I didn't want to go down that road ever again. He thanked me for my honesty. I really was in horrible pain and he told me it wasn't going to get better for a while. He was originally planning on giving me something really strong (perc 10 mgs) but after I told him my story he said he would give me the lowest dose he could that would at least take the  edge off and he prescribed hydrocone 5/500's. Only 30 of them. He told me I was still gonna hurt pretty bad but it would take the edge off. He told me to take them 4-6 hours apart. So....everyone can yell at me but I filled the script. I haven't felt pain like this in ?????
It is WAY worse than my knee surgery pain-or child birth.... I took ONE pill at 5 p.m. and took my second one at 11 p.m. My honey offered to keep the pills with him and I said that was a good idea. He will give me my day's doses in the a.m. before he goes to work. This will cut the temptation, but it's up to me if I'm gonna wait the 4-6 hours or be a big loser and down them all in the morning. I don't think I will though. I don't ever want to go back to the way it was before.
It is tempting to take more-but considering the dose I was taking when I quit a couple of months ago (about 20 10/325 mg Hydros) I could probably down the whole bottle and not really get high-and then I would f*cking hate myself. I had a long heart to heart with myself and know that I will do the right thing. I can't let myself and everyone else down. We have all worked so hard...I want to continue to be a success story.
I will only take them as prescribed-until the pain is even remotely bearable and then I am done. I wish I weren't a drug addict. I wish I could be given a big bottle of percs and that I could use them as prescribed to get rid of this gawd awful pain.....but I can't.
Believe me, if there were any other choice-I would use it. I'm using heat and ice to get rid of some of the muscle spasms. I NEVER take time off work in the field but I'm going to stay in bed for the next 3 days and work on paperwork stuff. I'm gonna be here on the forum whenever (if ever) I have internet at home. I really need everyone's support right now.  I'm all propped up right now with my heating pad. The internet is working hopefully for a while tonight.
I'm so worried you guys are disappointed in me. I can't have my friends mad at me (you guys know who you are).
I know I can do this. Of course there is always that urge to get high....but it's different now than in the past. It isn't all consuming.....I'm much more concerned with keeping the pain manageable and keeping my life together. I don't ever want to go back living like I was before. The misery of counting pills, taking pills, worrying about pills, hiding the pills.
And let's not forget the WD's. I have that fun little week long ride BURNED into my memory. I kept a journal and you bet your a$$ I've been reading that bad boy since I got home. I will NOT go back to living like that.
Okay-feel free to be 'firm' if you muste-but if you are gonna be negative...don't.
I am my own worst critic-believe me. I just need some kindness and some support.
I (we) have worked so hard to get clean. I'm not messing it up.
Any other suggestions as to what you can do to relieve really bad lower back pain will be appreciated. I'm gonna start seeing a massage therapist. Any special foods to help with the muscle spasms? Any special positions to sleep in?
I'm hoping my internet stays up for a while tonight.
I have missed you guys (avisg, GoingTo, r2r, IBK, gizzy, Troublein, hopeless, hopsing, nauty,liscamdave, bmc1976, FLaddict, 1234, wait2, savas, avalanche,toxic2,yoda
skyscreamer,worried878,lostmarble,eagleone,confused456,taekwondo,Ineedhelp,mteditor,cincee, grievingwidow, ITPER,strictlyfor,scaredgirl) AND everyone else that I'm only just getting to know.
Support me now...yell at me later (whimper).
Greebs

[lostmarbles]

Hello darling... bloody hell you have been through the mill and I am so sorry that yo gave gone through all of this... But what a bloody inspiration to alot of people.. really, you are amazing and I applaud you on your courage and bravery and stamina having to endure the pain you must be in without going down that path again...I was going to mention seeing someone like a masseuse or maybe physiotherapy? acupuncture has worked wonders for some? try sleeping to the side with a pillow in between your legs.. when I fell off my horse I couldn't walk for ages, was in horrific pain and I had acupuncture, hot stones put on my back and slept with a pillow in between my legs.. it's obviously not the same pain as you but it was a killer nonetheless.. plus the horse kicked my butt and i had a horse shoe print on my butt for a very long time!!! go on... i know you want to laugh..its ok im laughing out loud now at the reminder !!! no one is going to be negative.. what for? you are doing amazing and I am sooooo proud of you.... you sooooo have my support.. so glad youre with us again.. stay in touch when you can and let us know how you get on.. much love to you Greebs... Marianne xxxx

[wait2long]

you take care of yourself sweetie!
i hope you get well and heal up quickly!

~~~~~~gentle hugs~~~~~
xxxooo

[10356]

Hello I'm pretty new here but I wanted to say to you it took allot of courage to turn down the morphine,  When my back goes out I find very hard to roll over in bed but laying on my side is always the most comfortable I can not do it on my own but my hubby will hold up his arm I grab it and shift myself that helps allot,you can also try pulling your knees up towards your chest just a little as it helps to stretch the muscles, I have faith that you will not down all your alloted pain med(hubby holding good idea) at once after the courage and honesty you showed in the E.R. I wish you a very speedy recovery and thank you for posting. You are an inspiration even now. limbo

[Greatgreebo]

Thank you for the positive posts and the tips on dealing with a bad back-it is so appreciated!! I'm really glad I was honest with the ER doctor-it helped my situation out and also helped with my opinion of myself. I know that I can do this.
Hope my internet is back up and running soon. I miss the forum and my friends!!
Greebs

[Yoda99]

I'm confused... (What's new?)  But what did you wax?  A body part?  LOL, I know you're going to think I'm so stupid.  Help me out, babes.
Yoda

[troubleinohio]

Greebs I so  totally hear u! my back has made me puke b4 2 when the pain is that bad so i know what u r going thru. it sux so bad. I m in same boat as u right now, broke my thumb and hand & hurt shoulder ^ head too. was given 10 mg percs. good news is they were not my doc ( i told ER not to give me VIcs which were my doc) & these percs r  2 strong 4 me, they make me puke so i take only 1/2 of one & only when the pain is bad throbbing. Im doing well w/controlling my usage, & they dont make me high or mess w/my head either. just make me tired feeling queasy even at the lower dose. I hope u heal fast and r back up and around soon. I much rather have this hand pain i got than the back pain, i know how excruitiating it can b at its worse, i really do, you have my sympathies. its terrible u cant do anything, not even move in bed withotu causing more pain when its that bad off. I will b thinking of U girl. xo xo xo  

[flmagi]

So sorry you hurt your back. I don't think anyone is gonna yell at you. I think you're being really strong only accepting the 5mgs hydros. I'm sure if I was in that kind of pain (been there, done that) I would have taken whatever they offered and figured I'd deal with it later. You are obviously alot stronger than I am. It really does suck that we can't take proper meds to get rid of pain when we really need it. But you will probably heal faster not taking anything stronger because you will be forced to lay there and recoup. If you went on the Percs, you'd probably try to get up and do things.
So, how the hell did you do this? Did you slip on the ice or something?
Try to enjoy your days off (yeah, right). Get some rest and get better soon. ouch, ouch, ouch

[jim811]

Hi Greebs...

When I first started coming off the meds, I think 38 days ago, you were definitly an inspiration.  Turning down those meds was excellent....you did great.  Having the low dose hydros handed out was a good idea too...just chaulk this up to an experience and one I'm glad you shared with us...could happen to us at any time.

Nick

[confused456]

Awwww Greebs.....I have been missin' you!! I have been reading like a mad woman in your journals though and thanks!! You did a very admirable thing! That is great! I'm so sorry for your pain, physical, and the phone lines....Hope you get some relief soon. You are an amazing person that did an amazing thing by being honest....with yourself and the doctor, some may have tricked themselves at that point, so I think you handled it wonderfully!! Can't wait until you're better and phones are fixed!!! Heating pad, or electric blanket to lay on is what my Uncle uses when he blows his back out. Do you have either??

Missing you much!!......"confused"

[feohmoon]

You did an amazing thing...in the midst of a stressful situation (even painful)...doesn't sound like a drug addict to me!
You are an inspiration...be proud of yourself.

[feohmoon]

I wanted to thank you for your post...it made me smile...sounds like my daughter -  (A beautiful blonde also!)

I also want to tell you how amazing your accomplishment is...1 year...Wow, great job!

[suppdawg]

You should not confuse taking pain medications for legitimate pain with abuse. If you have a history of abuse you are smart to be careful but remember that being miserable in pain is not going to make things better. I have a long history of back problems. Each time the pain subsides I find it realitvely easy to cut back and quit. I know that not everyone is as lucky as me but I think as long as you are only taking them for significant physical pain you will be fine. I would caution against a massage therapist or chiropractor until you have a full diagnosis and MRI. I had what was most likely buldging disks that my Chiro manipulated and tore resulting in a like of pain and suffering. Massage therapists should only be working on patients that have healthy backs, they are not health professionals and while great people do not understand pathophisiology to the extent that will be beneficial.

[cathy5841]

hi i am cathy and when you were here before i was just a lurker...but i do remember you. you are doing great be proud of yourself.  pain meds are for pain.  there is no shame in managing your pain.  you know how to be responsible and you will be.  if you dont take it to manange your pain sufficiently, you may wind up spiking out of frustration from the pain.  so you take care of yourself, be good to yourself and dont beat yourself up.  you are still a hero around here.
sending  prayers your way
cathy

[Flutterby111]

That is a fear of mine, getting seriously injured, in fact I dreamed of it last night!!!  ANd I told the docs the same thing-I didn't want narcs, and they kept saying it over and over narcotics, narcotics-ugh.  But, you do need relief, that is a fact.  ANd you have a solid plan, and good support at home, and here on the forum...you will be just fine-you are strong...you know, I don't know if this is just me but, when I was really in pain and I would abuse and take more pills than I should, it wouldn't even help the pain, I'd just be high...but when I'd take the appropriate dose it would help-just a tidbit..there.....I think it was the pills saying "don't play with fire lady-gonna get burned!!!"  anyways, I hope feel better, and your internet connection remains as strong as you are...!!!!  

[worried878]

Keep us posted...we may all have to deal with this at some point...u r lucky your sweetie is helping you...count ur blessings and keep us updated...off to work and good luck to ya...u will be ok..i guess we feel a huge guilt when we have to take a pill for surgery or some emergency later on...I am sure it is scary...keep us posted and prayers are with ya...sure u will do fine tho

[swtbreezie]

Hang in there sweetie, back pain can be excruciating.  I know I had a back surgery, but it's better now than it has been in two years.  I hope your pain eases up soon.  I know I would not want to go back on opiates either.  God Bless You,
swtbreezie

[road2recovery]

So good to hear from you...I do not beleive that just because we are addicts we have to suffer.....Only we know how bad our pain is...So good for you for first being honest with the doctor, and second taken as needed...
Keep reading your journal or w/d's and i doubth you will down the bottle...lol
I know i would not...AIN"T going through that $hit again....
SO PROUD OF YOU!
r2r
ps...what is waxed??

[GoingToMakeIt]

     It does my heart good to see you on here. I know it's been rough with all the snow but hurting your back? That is not fun. You are not a failure for using or needing relief from pain. Nor does it mean that you went 'off' the wagon! Pain pills were designed for acute pain like that. You better not be counting this as using. As far as I'm concerned it is 60+ days for you.
    You are such a strong person. I admire your resolve. We all can't wait for your internet to be back on! Missing you all the time.
GTMI

[Yoda99]

Now I see that my post was pretty stupid.  I guess it was too early for me, and I had been up way too long (sleep issues).
   Greebs, I'm feeling for you and I'm so glad to see you posting.  You take those pills when the pain is so bad you can't stand it.  That's what they were intended for.  I think you are a strong person, and I don't think you will allow yourself to start a habit again.  You're not the wimp I am; I so admire you.
   Feohmoon, you are so cute and made me feel better about my stupid comment to Greebs.  When she said she waxed it, well that's what came to mind.  Thank you also for the congrats.  Be careful, you are making me feel special.
Love you girls,
Linda

[Mawmaw3]

Advice from a chiropractor I used to work for... To relieve lower back pain, lie on your left side, with left leg stretched out straight beneath you. Pull right leg up toward chest, and place a pillow underneath it (the bent right leg). Works for me when my back is really aching. Also, for those suffering from RLS (and this will sound crazy to some...LOL)... take 2 cakes of Lever 2000 soap, and unwrap them. Place one cake at each corner  at the  bottom of the mattress, on top of the bottom sheet and beneath the top sheet so that your feet are exposed to the 'fumes' of the soap. I don't know why this works, but it does (at least for me, and my daughter when she was in wd's). Best wishes to all here on the board.

[toxictome]

We are not martyrs...you have a legitimate reason for the pain meds...you were honest w/ the Dr. and you are taking all the right  steps to insure you don't abuse/overinduldge!!

You need to do what helps you heal...
make a plan AND stick to it!!!!

I'll keep you in my prayers for a SPEEDY recovery.......

and i guess the plus side for us is...maybe you'll have a little more posting time while you're recuperating!! (just like an addict...always lqqking to see what 's in it for me!!!) LOL

Take care , my friend!!!    (((HUGS)))

[NautyOne]

Hi Greebs.  You know I love you, Girl.  I am very worried about you.......have been for a while.  All I can offer is an open heart and mind.  You have my phone number and can PM me anytime.  When I told you, you can call me anytime.......day or night...I meant it.  

I'm always here for you if you need someone.

Luv,
Nauty.......................<3

[Jacqui805]

I'm left almost speechless about what you went through!!  I'm so sorry, and I sure as heck know what it's like to puke from pain, let alone doin' it in front of others, on them, or on yourself.  Like the others have said, you've come a long way, but this is a legit reason for taking what you've got, and it took huge ones for you to have turned down the stuff in the E.R.!  I'm so glad that you will hill, and terribly sorry about the computer situation.  Get here when you can, and we'll try to give you huge doses of support at one time to help get you through your technological and physical nightmare.

Jacqui

[Greatgreebo]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support. It brings tears to my ears (or is that the back pain making me cry!?!)
I'm still hanging in there and NOT abusing the pills. Actually, I'm not using them at all during the day-just laying on the couch with my good buddy Mr. Heating Pad. I take them at night only.
Once again, thank you for all the tips, support and love. I miss you all so much. Obviously my internet is working for a bit and please note that it's the middle of the night (again) that I'm posting. I'll never understand why the phone line only works in the dead of night. Oh well, just wanted to check in with you guys. I'm hoping that by Monday I won't even need pills at night.
Hugs to everyone and I miss you all.
Greebs

[GoingToMakeIt]

I am not sure if you will get this. But boy do I miss you. I hope things are getting better with your back by now. I have sent several PMs but I do know the internet has been sporadic.You are loved and missed .

[Ghilly]

You hurt yourself.  It happens.  You're also clean now and making a go of a normal life.  Part of that normal life is being able to take meds, if necessary, to make you comfortable when you're in bad pain.  Look at this as a test.  You were prescribed the pills, and now you can prove to yourself that you CAN take them only when you need them for the pain, and then just enough of the drug to make the pain bearable.  You know that you won't take any more than you have to.  I know you can do this.  It's not a step backwards, IMO, but a step forward that you can now take something that has been prescribed for pain only when you are IN pain, and then stop taking them without looking back.  I know that you're strong enough to do this.  As far as negativity goes, nobody is going to think negatively of you for not wanting to be in pain.  You're not taking them for recreational purposes just to get high.  You have a real reason now.  And the fact that you leveled with the doctor and got a lesser dosage of a weaker painkiller than he originally wanted to give you, and that right there proves how serious you are about staying clean.  :)

Ghilly