Emotional trials, I wanna get high but know I cannot

[CarmineVercetti]

So last night I was talking with my daughters mother as we usually do because we have remained secret friends since her marriage and will always share a bond that nobody else will ever understand.  She admitted to me that She was having an affair before we broke up while I was in treatment.  For some reason this really struck me hard and I was really upset and did not know how to sort out my feeling at first but I was def angry but then the more I thought about why I was angery I was starting to become less angry.  

In our relationship at the end I had no clue she was cheating on me til the end when she left me for him within a day , within a week she was moved in, within 2 months they were having a child.  I was left with no choice but to move on.  I remember those days being very dark and the pills were the only thing that made me happy.  I was guilty because I felt everything was my fault, we originally broke up and ended it after I let her read my journals, with every single nasty detail, she is the only person ever to do so,  she could not accept the worst of my personality, all my lies, my secrets, manipulations, she saw into my mindset and saw how wrong she was about me.  I dont blame her for leaving, I dont blame her for having the affair, maybe I do Blame her, but either way it still happened and there is nothing I can do about it.  In the end I ask if what I have to show for it is worth the pain and betrayal and the answer is YES it was worth every tear, because in the end what gave me the strength to get help and become a better person was my babygirl, my Bambina Jazzlyn Renae.  She is the brightest little 3 yr old girl in the world and she melts my heart away with love.  I live for her now, not me.  I dont drink anymore, I am at the end of my methadone taper, I have bad habits still yes like everyone, I smoke pot still, but I dont know when I am stopping that , The methadone needs to come first.  It has been the best worst thing that has happened to me, it showed me the life of a legal methadone junkie, people that live their whole lives going to a clinic and becoming a number in a system that dispenses a ritualistic dose every day.  That dose becomes that persons life, some take taxies, some carpool.  People know why they are their and openly deal drugs around hallways in the clinic and in the parking lot.  some really want help but many are just taking advantage of a insurance provided drug abuse.  Some argue that its better than a heroin addiction, I would agree but that does not mean it is not a different animal of addiction all itself.  
Since I started my methadone program on Feb 17 I have not used or abused Ophiates less for one slip up where I found something in my dads car that I thought was an OC but that was a mistake obviously.   I know my habits, triggers, and know I cannot do this alone.  the cost of this knowlege was more than someone not addicted to drugs could ever know.  People openly nodd off and fall asleep at the clinic, they are so High they cannot function, they are walking zombies and ignore or dont realize it.  I was falling asleep at work everyday for 2-3 hours no joke, I would fall asleep in important business meetings with important people in my company, SLeep Apnea was how I got away with it.  I Do actually have it but I know that is not the real reason I was not able to fully perform my job.  The Methadone was the soul factor.  I gained 40 lbs and stopped working out, got depressed, never went out, came home every day I was on methadone and slept my life away, every day for almost three months.  Now I am down to 35 mgs and my outlook on life is feeling better than every before.

Its like finding out last night that I was not the soul cause of the destruction with my daughters mother and the void put in my family; she was just as guilty, it was her fault too.  She deserves to take half of my guilt and I believe she has.  She still struggles, my habits affected her too much for her not too, she drinks a lot from what I gather and still occasionally takes pills.  One time a couple years ago we mistakenly and by coincidence met each other in the same parking lot for waiting for the same dealer and both lied to each other about it.  I didnt know that til later when she decided to tell me she knew after I admitted one of my relapses to her.

Tomorrow brings more sunshine even if its raining

[CarmineVercetti]

hey guys thanks alot I really appreciate it, Its been a hell of a ride and I am glad I see more clearly the reality of things and what is important and I dont even drink anymore and am working at this methadone as much as I can, I know its not for me, I do not want to spend the rest of my life as a numher in a system, pink liquid from little cup, but I also dont want to be the guy snorting pills or H off the toilet seat,
Sobriety and Faith are my only options, God and my Daughter are my common ground along with my family and friends.  I started using this account a long time ago and had a diff username before but its always helped and the people can relate and not judge, I appreciate every word of advice and support.  God Bless Nicholas Patrick

[kyle505]

I think that we all want to get high - that's what got us to this forum in the first place. Despite the fog caused by the meds, you show a lot of wisdom, and an understanding of your addiction.
I came to the realization years ago that life will send us, wrapped up and hand delivered, hundreds of reasons to use. That's life.
Your daughter and the time you can have with her is the real gift.
Great post.

[atthebeach]

what a great post.  i have been following your posts. you and your x both had dark,dirty secrets. you have moved on, you are cleaning yourself up, you know what you need to do.
you are doing it. congratulations on your continued taper. keep moving forward, one step at a time. exercise, healthy diet, getting off the meth and you will be better,stronger,much healthier. good for you re-claiming your life.
yes very sad that some people do and will spend the rest of their lives chained to that meth clinic. sad state of affairs, the govt. changed their drug of choice, to methadone. it sickens me. it happens all over the country, our tax payer dollars at work.
your beautiful daughter, what a precious gift, cherish her, she will grow so quickly. stay clean so you can enjoy and remember every minute spent with her. keep the faith, keep moving forward. you are doing awesome.
continued prayers and blessings
debbie

[akitagurl12]

It's great you posted instead of getting high.  I know you already know, but sometimes it helps to be told again...  Getting high will not make you feel better.  And the high will be gone and what you will be left with is alot more pain then you are feeling right now.  You just had a trigger and cravings suck, but are harmless....unless we follow through with it.  Emotions are constantly changing, so hang on & tell yourself that you are ok no matter what.