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Endeavor to Persevere
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Endeavor to Persevere

Greetings to all......I feel like I need to  get this out there even though I am so embarassed  and angry. I was 3 days into my detox as some of you are already aware..and this morning my uncle came over to pay me some money he owed me and instead of money he brought pills!!!! I waas probably at my weakest point in my detox and so, albeit begrudgingly,I took them and yes I took some of them so I have fallen off the horse yet again!! I am so angry with myself (and my uncle) for allowing this addiction to win again....I had to go and delete my addiction tracker...that was really painful.....and here I go having to start at this again......my apologies to all of you who have been so kind to offer your advice and words of encouragement, I feel like such a loser..I'm gonna go do some serious soul searching here....as I must "Endeavor to Persevere"...peace.......

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Believe me when I tell you - like so many others here have said - you are not a loser! Don't make the mistake of judging your self-worth or your struggle for sobriety on how you FEEL. If you allow your emotions to lead you, they will take you here, there and everywhere ... especially now that you are fighting this battle to get clean. I went through something quite similar a few years back. I went into rehab because I had been on drugs/narcotics for chronic pain for years, nearly 10 of them. I wanted to get clean so I could determine what my pain level had become. The rehab facility used suboxone to wean patients off whatever they were addicted/dependent on. I was only there a week, and I sept through most of it. When I came home I was anxious and irritable. The rehab place had given me absolutely no information or skills in regards to what to expect from post-rehab. Looking back at the experience now, it truly makes me angry because I can't imagine how anyone could have stayed clean after being in that place. The two doctors than owned the facility were only in it for the money. No one could possibly convince me otherwise! Several days later, I ended up going back into rehab at a well known area hospital. I had begun going through withdrawls. Due to a complete lack of information from the first rehab; I was very confused. I thought I was supposed to be 'cured' already. The second rehab place sent me home with suboxone and told me to locate a doctor that prescribed it, a.s.a.p. When I came here to medhelp I learned about the nature of suboxone - it was quite addictive, I was very upset. I didn't understand the reason for getting me off one narcotic only to put me on another! I nearly weaned myself myself off the suboxone when I withdrawls became seriously difficult. Well ... that's when my oldest daughter came over to see how I was doing. She also happens to have back pain like I do. She saw how I was and then dug her methadone out of her purse and 'made' me take them. Obviously, I didn't fight off what she was offering and  it happened on more than one occasion. I recall crying like a baby because I was so-o disappointed and disgusted with myself. Sound familiar?? Granted, the methadone got me off the suboxone. ... I got myself off the methadone, cold turkey. After being on 10mg. daily for @ 18 months I just stopped taking it, period. I was scared to death about what I would go through, but oddly enough I had no withdrawls whatsoever -  I know now just how  fortunate I was... but it took me 3  tries at it before I could finally claim my sobriety! I understand, all too well, how you are feeling - but what's done is done. Beating yourself up isn't going to change what's over and done. Don't drag this mistake around with you. Getting clean is difficult enough - you don't need to punish yourself because you made a wrong choice. Just hold onto one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to get you yet another day of sobriety! Mark you came here and owned up to what happened. That couldn't have been easy - in fact, I see it as a very brave act. I hope that you will give yourself a break. Please, while you work at your recovery, be kind and patient with yourself. You will need both to keep yourself clean, because being drug free IS both an act of kindness and self worth! Here you will be understood because we have either done it ourselves or have experience with someone that has. I have seen my own 'story' (countless times!) in the posts left here at medhelp. Although we are all uniquely different  people - our addiction(s) are not. At it's core, addiction is just not that complex. You are fighting for the quality of the rest of your life!  You CAN do this Mark. No matter what, keep coming back here and let us know how you are getting along, okay??  Take care Mark!  
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Get back on that horse man. Have you flushed the rest of the pills? You know where those pills will take you. And don't beat yourself up over this. Make it up to yourself by getting back in recovery. OK?
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Hey man im glad you ended up posting this out....  Flush them all and keep moving forward..  

Sent you message also...

Don't let this guilt consume you.  Learn from it and move forward.
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Thanks for the words of encouragement, and you are right I know all too well where it goes from here....I haven't flushed them yet though....damn it is amazing how the demon side of this gets in your head and rears it's ugly head when you are trying to get  away from it.....thanks for the response and I am gonna' go out and do some serious soul searching here and leave the pills here and hopefully when I get back I will have the strength to throw them down the toilet....peace.....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Hey bro....thanks for staying the course with me....it means a lot...I am gonna' go out in nature and try to get my head right and come back and do the right thing...thanks so much for the support...I'll post again soon...peace.....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Hi Mark.. You are not a looser You are a Addict.. There is a difference. I'm sorry to read of your relapse.. but Grateful that you posted. You are doing as I would to get my head on straight. I hope the Mother eases your temptation and strengthens your resolve. the pills are your death. get rid of them before they can you.. speak with your Uncle about how serious you are How you desire to be Free.. I will send a Pray for you for Courage for Strength and for Determination to Grab your life back from a controlling force.. respectfully. lesa
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Thank you for the support....I know what it is I must do here it is just so incredible how the addiction has so many weapons to pull out on you....I was doing really good and now this.....I am gonna' go and sit by the water and do some serious thinking about who I am and what it is I want out of the rest of my life....thanks again for the kind words and support ...peace

Pilamaye kola......mitakuye oyasin....
(Thank you friend...we are all related)

n8tiv_ndn
Mark

                             To Walk the Red Road

To walk the Red Road,
You have God-given rights,
You have the right to pray,
You have the right to dance,
You have the right to think,
You have the right to protect,
You have the right to know Mother Earth,
You have the right to dream,
You have the right to vision,
You have the right to teach,
You have the right to learn,
You have the right to happiness,
You have the right to fix the wrongs,
You have the right to the Spirit World,


To Walk the Red Road
is to know sacrifice, suffering,

To Walk the Red Road
is to know you will one day
cross to the Spirit World,
and you will not be afraid.
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just getn n...sorry for late response...was thinkn of u today as i watchd ocean..i know u feel bad right now but it happens to the best of us...ive done it few times tryn to quit...never got passed day 3......this time something clicked...hang n there my freind,,you can do anything....
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Hey brother........thanks for the response...I hope your day went well and you are gaining strenghth as time goes by....as you can see I fell off my horse (again) Sometimes I wonder if i've forgotten how to ride..lol......

I just came back from spending some time thinking and gathering up some strength...i will start the process again....I guess we only really fail if we stop getting up to try again....right???   peace bro........

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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you my freind have great mind with words...they helpd me today,,,ocean has moods also,today she was unstable and turbulant...like me...or maybe all of us...did supply me with dinner,,nothing special but i went....good luck,,gonna have tough time tonight and tommorow with the cravings myself....take care.
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1866508_tn?1333988213
thanks man....it has been an unsettled day for me most definitely.....I always enjoy the ocean as it puts many things into perspective with the sheer size and amazing raw power... I will continue to keep you in my prayers as I have since we first began talking you stay strong and maybe help an old Indian to make this journey with you........peace bro...

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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just lit candles...seems to make me more calm...will post soon....cleaning fish and heating grease...hands nasty but wanted to reply...b cool.
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1866508_tn?1333988213
no problem....enjoy your dinner........

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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hey man,just wanted to say hi before it got to late...i did copy that  and gonna keep it n my journals,,,tommorow is another day,,ill b lookn for your posts..b cool....
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1866508_tn?1333988213
thanks man I hope find sas much strength in the words as I do............peace bro.......

n8tiv_ndn
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i will..probly forever...thanx.
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I'm hopin the third time is a charm for me bro, went 8 months the last time before I collapsed. Don't kill yourself over it get back on and start again, sounds like u got the will.
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Thanks for the support  I am trying to let go of the fact that I screwed up and just get back up and keep trying....so i lost a little ground here but this battle and the war carries on...thanks for the support.....peace....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Believe me when I tell you - like so many others here have said - you are not a loser! Don't make the mistake of judging your self-worth or your struggle for sobriety on how you FEEL. If you allow your emotions to lead you, they will take you here, there and everywhere ... especially now that you are fighting this battle to get clean. I went through something quite similar a few years back. I went into rehab because I had been on drugs/narcotics for chronic pain for years, nearly 10 of them. I wanted to get clean so I could determine what my pain level had become. The rehab facility used suboxone to wean patients off whatever they were addicted/dependent on. I was only there a week, and I sept through most of it. When I came home I was anxious and irritable. The rehab place had given me absolutely no information or skills in regards to what to expect from post-rehab. Looking back at the experience now, it truly makes me angry because I can't imagine how anyone could have stayed clean after being in that place. The two doctors than owned the facility were only in it for the money. No one could possibly convince me otherwise! Several days later, I ended up going back into rehab at a well known area hospital. I had begun going through withdrawls. Due to a complete lack of information from the first rehab; I was very confused. I thought I was supposed to be 'cured' already. The second rehab place sent me home with suboxone and told me to locate a doctor that prescribed it, a.s.a.p. When I came here to medhelp I learned about the nature of suboxone - it was quite addictive, I was very upset. I didn't understand the reason for getting me off one narcotic only to put me on another! I nearly weaned myself myself off the suboxone when I withdrawls became seriously difficult. Well ... that's when my oldest daughter came over to see how I was doing. She also happens to have back pain like I do. She saw how I was and then dug her methadone out of her purse and 'made' me take them. Obviously, I didn't fight off what she was offering and  it happened on more than one occasion. I recall crying like a baby because I was so-o disappointed and disgusted with myself. Sound familiar?? Granted, the methadone got me off the suboxone. ... I got myself off the methadone, cold turkey. After being on 10mg. daily for @ 18 months I just stopped taking it, period. I was scared to death about what I would go through, but oddly enough I had no withdrawls whatsoever -  I know now just how  fortunate I was... but it took me 3  tries at it before I could finally claim my sobriety! I understand, all too well, how you are feeling - but what's done is done. Beating yourself up isn't going to change what's over and done. Don't drag this mistake around with you. Getting clean is difficult enough - you don't need to punish yourself because you made a wrong choice. Just hold onto one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to get you yet another day of sobriety! Mark you came here and owned up to what happened. That couldn't have been easy - in fact, I see it as a very brave act. I hope that you will give yourself a break. Please, while you work at your recovery, be kind and patient with yourself. You will need both to keep yourself clean, because being drug free IS both an act of kindness and self worth! Here you will be understood because we have either done it ourselves or have experience with someone that has. I have seen my own 'story' (countless times!) in the posts left here at medhelp. Although we are all uniquely different  people - our addiction(s) are not. At it's core, addiction is just not that complex. You are fighting for the quality of the rest of your life!  You CAN do this Mark. No matter what, keep coming back here and let us know how you are getting along, okay??  Take care Mark!  
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Hey slenderthread...thank you very much for your kind words of reassurance as well as the honesty... it really does help me with my resolve to continue this battle as it is truly that my life and happiness is on the table here. I have been at this off and on for soooo loooong and I do have legitimate prescribable pain issues....every doctor that looks at my charts or mri's is all to willing to hand out scripts, however I know that the relief is but a fleeting moment paled by the comparable enslavement of opiates. The amazing power of these medications are incredible....much as life.... there is both good and bad in them...and they must be precariously balanced.....it isn't the "tool" that is the problem it is all in how we use them...and I, for one, am tired of being on the end of the yo-yo and will continue to right my ship and carry the fight to the front....thank you again for your time and compassion and know that your words were heard and that your truth has helped.....peace....

Pilamaye kola.. mitakuye oyasin...

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Hi, Mark---so sorry you had a bad patch today. But start again tomorrow. It is a new day, clean, bright, and waiting for you to inscribe your story upon it. I am praying for physical and emotional peace and comfort for you, and healing for your head and heart. I'll be watching for your posts today---Margaret xox
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Hi Mark, that poem is beautiful. It almost made me cry. Forgive my ignorance, but did you write it or is it a poem of your ancestors? In any case, I'll bet it is lovely in the native tongue.

I don't think you have forgotten how to ride the horse, you just have a wild, unpredictable one that tries to buck you off. Get back on and work with him and train him. You can do it. I have faith in you.

Take care and God bless,

Minn :)
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Did you flush those pills?
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That's my question have you flushed the pills. If you don't they will flush your life down the toilet. You have opiates in your system right now so your power of choice is gone. Once the pills are in me they are in control. Please keep posting but I also noticed you weren't mentioning the strength you were trying to gain by clearing your head? How do you do that high? I've been right where you are so many times there is no deep philosophical awareness here there is relapse and the hell of addiction. Please stay close seems to me you're in the throws of your DOC it's not a moral issue. We have all been there and I hated when everyone kept telling me to flush but I did it only to relapse again. I have cancer so I have an endless supply of pills like you but I don't want them they will kill me not the cancer I was taking them to numb my emotions not my physical pain. I'm not judging you I'm sharing my experience and each time I relapsed it was so much harder to start again. Please stay close and be as honest as you can even though you're using I need your experience because I know I'm one pill away from where you are and I'm fighting to not go there. Sharon
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Margaret....thank you for the words of encouragement and you are right...today is a new day....I just got up as I stayed up last night and greeted the sun this morning in a prayer ceremony....I have not used yet today......your words will help to give me strength...the battle will continue.....thank you again for your support....peace.....

Pilamaye kola.....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Hey Minn......thank you so much for your input...the words of the poem were not mine...it is by anonymous...but I have long found strength from them...am trying to muster as much strength as I can as this battle rages on...I will not give up...I will get back up on my horse and charge into the fray...........Hoka Hey!!!!.......peace.....

pilamaye kola.........

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Hey.....not as of yet...what I did do is to give them to my son-in-law with the instructions toonly give me 1 per 12 hours and only if I asked for it and he will not cave so...I am  treating this slip up as part of my taper and trying not to beat myself up about the mistake...so far I haven't taken any since yesterday...I know it is not as good as flushing them but so farso good...thank you for your replies and your concern it is appreciated greatly....peace....

pilamaye kola.....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Sharon.....I do not feel as if you are judging me...quite the opposite...I feel as though you are acting as a concerned friend and trying to spare me some pain of making mistakes that will destroy me...I will  take your words into my heart and use them for strength as they were spoken from a place of knowing and compassion.....I will keep you in my prayers as you fight your battle with cancer...thanks for taking the time to try and help an old
Indian out....I will continue to fight this battle as it is still worth the fight.......thank you....peace........

pilamaye kola

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Hi Mark,

From what tribe are you descended? The language is beautiful. Use the strength of your ancestors and fight this. You have the power within. Tame the horse.

Blessings,

Minn
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Thanks minn....my father was Oglala Lakota my mother was Comanche and Scotch Irish.....I still have many relatives living on the Pine Ridge rez in South Dakota....I lived up there for many years ....Wounded Knee and Manderson I still go back most every summer for the family Sundance...boy I sure miss being able to take in ceremonies I could really stand a trip to the Inipi lodge(sweatlodge)........I will continue to pull from the strength of my ancestors and all of you fine folks that are trying to help me along in this journey.....if I had half the strength of most of my ancestors I do not think this battle would be so hard...they were truly a resilient tough bunch of people.....at any rate I appreciate your support and I will continue to draw strength from the kind words.....peace

Mitakuye oyasin
(We are all related)

pilamaye kola....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Although I am of German and English descent, for some reason, since I was a child, I felt a connection with the Native American people. I recall begging my mother for an Indian headdress. I read everything I c
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I am sorry, but I post from my phone and I guess I posted by mistake. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have always felt a connection with the Native American people and their relationship with nature and spirituality. I believe if people reach within they can tap into a natural, higher power. I have probably totally butchered my entire point, lol, but I would love to have that spiritual, natural connection.
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hey minn.....nah you did not butcher anything......I firmly believe as my ancestors say "mitakuye oyasin" which means that we are all related...all of the 4 legged creatures...the winged creatures...the creatures of the water as well as the "standing people" or those of the plants...and yes even us 2 legged creatures...we are indeed all related as we came from the same Mother...our beautiful Mother Earth...and we should all bear this in mind as we walk down the Red Road of life and do no harm to any and only take what we must and always give something in return....much as you are trying to give me the benefit of your knowledge and understanding of this disease of addiction....I really am honored by the words of you and all the others who are trying to help me...it won't be forgotten....peace...

Wopila Tunkashila....pilamaye kola.....mitakuye oyasin....hetchetu welo.....
(Thank You Gradfathers....thank you my friend...we are all related...it is so)

n8tiv_ndn
Mark












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Dont beat yourself up over this at all!! What matters the most is what you are gonna do from here on out! You know what you know what you need to do.! ((hugs))~Bkitty
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OMgosh,,that made no sense at all,,Im sorry. I was trying to say that you know what you need to do to remain sober. ((hugs))~bkitty
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1866508_tn?1333988213
Bkitty...thanks for the reply....and I do know and I will continue my battle....I spent the day with my two daughters and my grandson and granddaughter...it was a really good day....it helped to remind me of one of the most important reasons to win this war.....I have done a lot of thinking since this happened and I have only taken 2 pills in 12 hours so I am treating as it was part of my taper.....I am striving to not take the remaining few.......but at the very least no more than 1 per 12 hours and then back to the biginning of the circle.....but with renewed resolve and determination....thank you for your support....peace.....

pilamaye kola....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Hi again, Mark. I hope your day went well and that you went to bed tonight feeling better about things. I thought of you all day. I am praying for your physical and emotional comfort tonight while you sleep. Have a good Sunday, being mindful of the simple joys and blessings that are part of each day and giving thanks for them. I am thinking of you and wishing you the very best---Margaret
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Hey snake....I had a very good day....spent it with my 2 daughters and both grandchildren...we walked out in nature and spent some time down at the creek...I guess bein' an old Indian i just feel more calm and together when out with the Earth Mother she soothes me as does all of nature....I will win this war...I may have more battle scars when I'm done but that's ok.....thank you for the concern and compassion and wise words they truly help and mean a lot....peace....

pilamaye kola...

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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HEY Dude ......not to many of us would have been able to pass up that kind of temptation 3 days into a detox so dont beat yourself up.....just use this as a learning experience
and know just how powerful your enemy is......look at the bright side you not using now you have regained your composure time to move on pick your self up .....dust yourself off put one foot in front of the other and walk this thing out YOU CAN DO THIS it just going to take some work If I where you I would get involved with aftercare right away it will help you and give you a support system there is no substitute for human interaction N/A is where I started out it works if you work it give it a shot we all wasnt to see you get well and all are offering up advise on how to do this we have been in your shoes good luck and God bless........Gnarly    
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gnarly....your honesty and sincerity is above question you have made a great many people see the right way to get this done and I respect that....
i will take your suggestion on aftercare into my own council and see if it might not work for me.....I'm really bad in groups...always feel like I am out of place unless I am back in South Dakota around my Indian relatives and you can;t even imagine the hard times and abuse and od's and suicide amongst the youth of my people it is very disheartening...I have to win my battle so maybe I can help others......the Indian people need some help.....peace my brother your words are taken to heart.....

pilamaye kola.......dok sha

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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Oh Mark, you sound like such a kind and gentle soul. I am glad you got to spend time with your family. I love nature too and find when I can be outside walking, or, working in the in the yard and garden, that I feel better.  Although we live in a subdivision there is a strip of woods next to our house. Early in the morning I can see and hear lots of birds, watch rabbits and squirrels play and there is even a beautiful red fox and his mate who come drink from our water feature. I lived in the country on a farm until I got divorced several years ago. I felt so lost when I had to live in an apartment. I am very thankful I found this tiny little condo and still have a little piece of country in my life. I am sorry for rambling, but your post hit home with me because I understand your feelings of being lost and out of place.

Take care and God bless,

Minn
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You have a great attitude!! Like I said,,you know what you need to do. For me in the beginning there was like a disconnect,,I knew what I needed to do but I was unable to carry it out/act it out. Mostly because of the withdrawal hell that you go thru and then the mental abuse. It also was and uncomfortable feeling,,,being sober again. I was not used to it. Honestly,,in the beginning,,I didnt like it at all. I just kept telling myself that this is my new reality and in time I will get used to it again. I did. It just takes time and perseverence. ;)) You got this,,youll make the connection. ((Hugs))~Bkitty
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hey minn.....thanks for sharing that with me....nature is indeed a powerful force for me as I feel most at home when I am somewhere that I can't see or hear cars,planes or the general hustle of "city life" if things wern't in such despare back on the rez I would move back....but there is no housing except to pile in with relatives who already have WAY TOO MANY living in small houses..and way too much alcoholism and drug abuse yet I do miss it though...not that part but you know what I mean (hopefully).....but on the bright side I have held to my word and have only taken 1 pill per 12 hours and I feel like horse poo but I am making it...thank you all for the continued support and strenghthening my resolve....onward I go hoka hey!!!! peace.......

pilamaye kola..

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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hey bkitty....thanks for the words and indeed I think I have forgotten who I am without these drugs...I must change that and reclaim the person that I am and not let my addiction define me...I am still working hard here and have not given up....
i will get there and I will need to lean on you guys as I go as you have made this journey successfully and know the way....thank you for helping me to get there..........hoka hey!!!!!......peace......

pilamaye kola.....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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1866508_tn?1333988213
just an update.....back on target after the "mishap" I have only taken 1 pill every 12 hours since Friday....just went and re-stocked up on Vitamin water crackers and some fruit.....feeling tired and my pain levels are ramping up but that was expected....no surprise...thanks again for everyone sticking with me....thank God you folks stay the course with those of us still trying to win this battle....you guys really don't shoot the wounded or leave a buddy behind...it is much appreciated....peace.....

pilamaye kolas....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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I read in your one response about your people needing help.  Show them what you are made of, climb thru the ashes and let them see it can be done.  I know you have it in you~~~sara
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Hi Mark, glad to see your post. Great job on getting back on track. Stay the course. I believe in you.

Love and peace,

Minn
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Sarah....thank you for your words of encouragement I will do it this time....I have to do it this time....I will draw on the strength of my ancestors...as I've said somewhere before if I was half as tough as they were this would be no battle at all.....I continue down this path it is good to have the support and company from those of you that have gone before me and remember the way and why we do this....thank you....pilamaye kola...wowahwa ...

Mark
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minn.....thank you for your continued support it means a great deal to me in this struggle....I have strengthened my resolve and confirmed my choice yet again.....thank you and please keep checkin' on this old NdN....I'll need  the support especially the next few days....pilamaye kola....wowahwa......


Mark
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As one of my native friends here on the forum has told me so many times  is to sit quietly and you will feel their presence~~~
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ahh very wise advice......I completely agree.......the silence speaks only wisdom.......thanks for your support......peace my friend.....

Mark
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Hey folks....thought I would update for those I haven't already communicated with.....I decided to have a little "potty party" with the last of what I had.....my daughter and son-in-law were there....got a couple of hugs and some encouragement from them and now I move into the real fun....I'm 17 hours in and feel like #### but still ready to get this done.....thanks to all of you for all the advice, encouragement, and just plain humanity in general I will post as I go...."it is what it is"....peace all.....

pilamaye kolas........

n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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2025470_tn?1334018991
I'm glad you flushed them Mark!  I kept telling myself to grind it out minute by minute until I see some improvement...  It will come my friend.

Stay tough!

Sean
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