Hello, I am a 26 yr old male with a fiancee of going on 14 years now. I have been addicted to pain killers for many years now. I have a horrible case of TMJ, and over the years doctors have been precribing me the usual narcotics. Vicodin-Percoset-Oxycontin-Hydromorphone.
I am struggling with getting and staying off the pills. I was going to a doctor to get about two 40mg oxycontin per day, along with three to four 10mg percoset in bewteen as well. I never followed the scripts. I abused the drugs everyday, and then when they ran out I would spend tons of money getting them from random people i knew. Then when I could not make it until the next script I would go through insane Withdrawls. I no longer even have the doctor giving me meds, and have relied only on others to get them from(which is stupid, and insanely undependable)!
Right now my current status is that I took a 20mg oxy like 20 minutes ago which is just keeping the withdrawl at bay, because I take more than double that in a dose every 2-3 hours to get rid of pain and to get a high feeling. I usually take anywhere from 200-240mg of oxycodone a day. I just have a little 10mg pice of the last oxycontin I have. I am saving it for in the morning(if i can). I will be able to get more pain meds on the 28th this month, but cannot find ANYTHING ANYWHERE right now. So I am going to have to go through withdrawls. I usually have some less strong meds to break the fall, like vicodin or even percoset, but not this time. So I have a feeling it will be really bad. I know some of you might say that it is good that it is bad so that it will make me not want to do it again, but it doesn't matter. I am so screwed up that when the 28th comes I will be awaiting those meds BADLY!
I really do want to quit, but at the same time really do have bad pain. The times I have went for a few months or weeks i ALWAYS RELAPSE! I have a wonderful fiancee and she is SO DISAAPOINTED with me(and has every right)! But she doesn't understand the addiction part of it for me(not and excuse). I just feel this will neever end, and that things are just going to get worse. I am really lost and do not know what to do anymore. I haven't been plugged into society for years, and have found that I am in a major depressed state of being. I go from my bed to my couch and just awaite my next dose of meds. This is like a nightmare that never ends.
Get to detox or call a pain mangerment doctor and get on suboxone ASAP YOU WONT BELIVE HOW GREAT IT IS, there are tons of people on this site that swear by it, and i am one of them !! Its been a little over a week for me and i am a new man. I havent felt any W/D at all. good luck.
i replied to your post on another comment - it's going to be okay - we all have to go through it - be sick of being sick and tired of the game - you can do this - you really can - the nightmare will end and you will take back your life - you sound just like me with regards to society and the bed to couch - you are not alone!!!!! I'm 5 days c/t with vics and it still hard but not as hard as day 1! each day is getting better!!! No doubt this will be the hardest thing you will do, but it's okay you will not die, as a matter of fact you will LIVE!!! Take a deep breath get you mind right and do the hardest thing ever....TAKE THE FIRST STEP toward your new future, your new wonderful life with the one you love. If you need help from a doctor, make an appointment, pick up the phone and dial!!! We are all here for you - it will be okay, all you have to do is take the 1st step!!!
DOA, thanks for the tip. I have read up ALOT on things to help and that has came up. I have never tried it.
Oconnor, I have taken the first step TOO MANY TIMES AND FAILED! I have gotten through these horrible withdrawls and relapsed. As far as calling a DR. I went to the ER about a year ago when it was bad as well. They did NOTHING for me. I tolf them all I wanted was HELP to turn my life around. A ned to sleep in,and a nurse to make sure I wouldn't die. They did NOTHING but send me a $500.00 bill for giving me a clonidine patch and a tray of food. I was there maybe 3 hours and they discharged me with no hope. The patch did nothing, and I of course relapsed.
You guys are awesome, and I am sure will be a great support for me as i go through this(I hope). But at this point I am not even sure if I can do it. The only reason I am now is due to not being able to obtain anything. If I could I would, and thats just the brutal truth. I used to think I had what it took to re-take my life over, but after many eyars of failed attempts I am starting to think that I can not do it. I CANNOT afford a detox, and my family is just as screwed up as me as far as the pain pills. I admire yall's commitment and courage, but I am afraid i have lost mine.
I hear what you saying, I want to get clean or more pills, whatever comes first. I would run out all the scripts from drs and be a dead man walking for a few days and wish I was clean and over rat race of running drs, playing the pharmary game and on and on, then the pills come in and out the door with the getting clean idea until I get down to about 10 pills and it's panic mode again. Look into the Suboxone, you say you cant afford detox (rehab) but the Suboxone Dr will be about $200-350 and the pills about $200-300 w/o insurance, ask yourself how much you spend for oxys in a month? You do have want it takes to re-take your life back, just dont be to proud (man thing) to get some help doing it.
Good luck with whatever choices you make
I dont know what you are asking? I think your asking how to get through a couple of days of wds untill you can get pills? Well you lay there and take it. IT will hurt and you will be sick. All you can do is take something for bathroom issues (you will have these), try to eat, ake hot baths or showers for the pain in your body (legs for most people), and drinks lots of fluids. I took pheng 25mg its just to make you hold down something not habbit forming safe drug they even give it to preg women. Its not going to be fun but you will make it.
i could have wrote your post nearly word for word myself, many times (except Im a woman, lol) but you know what I mean. I was the same way. Frantically calling around every damn relative and friend I could think of that might have a few Vics or percs here and there, even darvocets or Tylenol 3's if nothing else-- they would have to do to keep the WD's away at least a little. But of course after awhile, they catch onto the game, realize youre using them, or simply just cant or wont give you any more.
You just have to get sick and tired of playing the game. Maybe after going through severe WD's a number of times you will change your mind and decide to quit.
I by no means can criticize you, as I am relapsed myself right now (not my first relapse either btw) but Im about to run out on Christmas Day, and I will have no way to get anymore either. Im pretty panicky already just thinking about whats coming. Im also losing my health insurance, my doctors and medicines (including non narcotic ones mind you, and i have a ton of medical problems) I m scared to death. Im also being cut off cold turkey from xanax, so i pray to god I dont keel over from a seizure too.
Thanks for the insight. I know the part about just having to go through it and feel like I am dying part. I guess i was hoping their might be an easier way to get through it. I was readin another post about relapse, and she said that her dealer called with half off his pills and she was at the ATM in 5 minutes. That is how I am. There was a few times where i was on day 4, even day 5 once and the worst was over and I got that CALL. I was gone so fast it was sick. My fiancee thinks I am weak, and that this is all my own fault(she is right), but she has no idea about addiction. She is the greatest thing in my life, and she seems too perfect sometimes. I feel I am losing her, and it is pathetic that it is even a choice to keep going back to the pills.
As far as the suboxone, I can't afford it. I understand what you mean about the cost of pills, but it is a little here and a little there. I have NO MEANS to come up with that lump sum of money. I WISH I COULD! So at this point I think I am fu***d!
I woke up this morning to a very small piece of oxy which I had hoped was at least a 10mg and it was more like 5mg so right away I started the panic feeling, shaking, mild tremors. Anxiety is the worst. I cant get the thought of friggin pills out of my head. Even though I have called EVERYONE possible mroe than once already, I still find myself wrapping my mind around the possibility of thinking I might be able to get something. My fiancee(as much as it kills her) asked a friend at work if she had anything for pain and told her it was for her tooth. she said she had some vicodin. So she was supposed to get them today and come home from lunch to bring them to me. Well she called and said it was a NO GO! So that sucked.
Ill ask a silly question. If I wake up tomarrow after notbeing able to get any pills will that be day 2 for me or day 1? Since I had this 5mg oxy early this morning? I would like to think if I was able to get through day 1 and wake up tomarrow(if i can sleep) then i wil be tackling day 2!. I am not looking for sympathy people SERIOUSLY, just some help and maybe some guidance. Thanks
If you want to call it day 2 It is up to you. The big issue is getting off of them. Hang in there. The next few days are rough. Try the Thomas recipe. (in my journals if you want it) There is lots of helps for going c/t. Keep posting! It is your lifeline.
And when you're clean...have you thought of marrying that girls? 17 years as a fiancee is a long time.:)
Baths are your friend.
Yes I have thought of marrying her. It has been 14yrs we have been togather. We have been engaged over a year now. I saved up and got her a past present future diamond ring that was $6,000! There is no set date, but she is the only one for me. She was there for me when I was 17 yrs old and enetered into the only rehab i have been to for Cocaine. I have been clean from that **** from the day I walked out. I beleive almost 10 yrs now in FEB. I always tell myself i was able to quit that I can do it with this. But its diff. I am soo more addicted to these pills. Also I actaully have bad pain. I even think to myself if I should try getting some coke to help get through the withdrawls, thats is how bad the withdrawls make me fell , and how bad I wish there was something to help. I have never done it though.
So are you trying to get clean and stay clean or just trying to make it till you get more pills? Sorry can't really tell. I am 39 days clean from oxy, methedone, hydromorphone and fentanyl. If you need something let me know.
Congratulations on your engagement!
I think as addicts we go from 1 drug or alcohol to another. You are coming to realize that it isn't just these pills that are the problem. It is deeper than that. Have you sought out a counselor? Many here have been tremendously helped by it. It helps us get tot the 'core' reasons we use.
Wishing you & yours a Happy Holiday season.
Keep posting. We are all here to help you. There really isn't anything 'taboo' here to talk about.:)
I am not even sure what I am trying to do. I would like to think that if I get through the worst part of it, I will try my damndest to stay away and start fresh. But the reality of it isnt that simple. If I could I would like to find just enough to get me by until the 28th when I can get 90 15 mg oxycodone pills from someone i know. when I go through withdrawl I have millions of things going through my mind. Alot of mixed emotions, and very confused. So I am nto sure at this point what I am wanting to do. I mean I want to get off for good, but it isnt that easy for me. I tried cutting off all ties and it worked good for a few months one time, then i just went and looked everyone back up when the relapse happened. I have had counslers but never discussed this because I was afriad of losing my scripts.
More than anything I am just happy to have found a site with people that have the same issues as me. I almost thought I was alone. I will continue to post and let you know how things progress. Thanks
OK I was able to get some 1mg Klonopin pills. I read through the Thomas recipe, and for the most part I do all of those things anyway and it is agony. I haven't gotten vitamens, or imodium, ltyronise or whatever. From readin it are you saying that you only start the vitamins and other stuff after day 4? Besides the immodium. I can do the Klonopin thing. showers always made me feel better when I was in there, but when the hot water runs out then I can barely stand or move. But they do feel good. I am going to try and eat a bowl of cereal. Oh, and I do not have a work that demands me to go in. I work from home, so I can sit and be misrable like you stated.
I liked a bath with epsom salts. The water stays warmer longer and you can reheat by adding hot. Epsom salts infuse magnesium into you so that helps the legs. I think the vitamins after day 4 is because most get real nauseous and can't hold them down. Also the body is detoxing so much it can't process them. Drink lots of fluids, Gatorade helps restore electrolytes in you. Keep us posted on your progress.
I will say this though, if your sites are set on the 90 pills, then you haven't even come close to making the decision to quit. I hope you do quit. I am praying to that end for you. Good luck and stay in touch.
You are right, I haven't made my mind up yet. Many times i have had that " I am done with this **** attitude" then got through the w/d and then relapsed later. This time I am just going to be 100% honest about everything. That is something I dont think I have done. With everyone on here it seems I can actually so that without being made to feel like a bum, loser, quitter! Thanks for all the advice. I took a .50 of a klonopin and some sinus medicine for my sniffles. Now I am heading for the shower. Thanks again for all the support. Just typing on here helps keep my mind off pills believe it or not.
Thank you so much for your opinions and thoughts on all of this. I used to think I was alone with this. I was just scrolling through websites trying to find things to help with w/d and I came accross this site. I signed up right away. Even though last night I took 5 5mg vics at one time then about 2 hours later I took 4 7.5 vics then 2 hours later another 4 7.5! I gave the remaining pills to my fiancee to give them to me only as needed. Today I still feel w/d symtoms I guess because of the massive amount of oxy i was taking every day since forever. But it is better than nothing. I hope that day of reckoning will some my friend. Thanks for everything
This was my first post on this forum, and i have had 90% positive feedback. Im sure I deserve the 10% negative though. I want to thank everyone for all of their support and insight. I am not clean YET, and will continue to post and try and help others until my day comes. THIS IS A GREAT PLACE FOR ME, AND I THANK GOD I HAVE FOUND YOU ALL!
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